Worst Joke Ever 2024

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."
The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the Military Police ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister You see, I don't want to go to war. The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen I still have my “meat and two veg” 

I don't want to go to war either! 

 

PS; For the non military “meat and two veg” = Male sexual organs!

 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A married couple in their 60's are visited by a Fairy who grants them both a wish.
"I want to travel round the world with my darling husband" says the wife, two tickets for a luxury cruise magically appear in her hand. 
Husband says: "Sorry but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me." 
The Fairy waves her wand and husband becomes 92
Moral of the story - men who are ungrateful misogamist ba&t&rds should remember that Fairies are female!!! 
 

Edited July 1, 2019 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him.
Murphy had never been seen in church since his confirmation.
After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said,' Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come today?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, last night, I misplaced me hat and I know that me wife will be asking me where it is.  I know that McGlynn has a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn comes to church every Sunday. I also know that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church; so, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."
The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shal Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than Burn in Hell, right?"
Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about' Thou Shal Not Commit Adultery' 

I remembered where I left me hat."

[scottiejohn]

[Andrew Dwyer]

Don’t worry because :

[Andrew Dwyer]

It happens all the time to me !!

 

 

[VocalNeal]

 

Which one is the Dalai Lama?

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[Andrew Dwyer]

 
Which one is the Dalai Lama?

Gotta be this one ?
He has “ the guiding light “ behind him !!



But surely the guiding light should be in front of him ??

IDK , I don’t make the rules [emoji51]

[Andrew Dwyer]

Maybe he just wants a nice breeze in his garden ??

[Andrew Dwyer]

I should steer clear of this one mate..... or at least stay up wind !!

[Andrew Dwyer]

[ballpoint]

5 hours ago, VocalNeal said:

Which one is the Dalai Lama?

I telephoned him once, but it was a very strange call, and the following week I received a camel like creature in the post.  Turns out I'd called dial a llama by mistake.

[ballpoint]

At last, a laundry label on a shirt that I can understand.

[ballpoint]

[scottiejohn]

8 hours ago, VocalNeal said:

Which one is the Dalai Lama?

The one with a phone. with one, or was it 3.

????

 

PS; 3 is a UK mobile telephone provider!

Edited July 2, 2019 by scottiejohn
PS added!

[scottiejohn]

 

 

 

I am not sure if this is funny or serious but here goes!

[scottiejohn]

"Cath," said simple Fred. "I don't know too much about this sex thing, I guess we'll have to go and see the doctor." 
So the newlyweds visited the surgery and asked the doctor to show them how it was done.

The doctor agreed, told Cath to take all her clothes off and then he got down on top of her and performed enthusiastically in front of Fred.

When it was over he said, 
"That's what sex is Fred, now do you understand?" 
"Yes, thank you, doctor," said Fred,

"How often do I have to bring her in to see you?" 
 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Pregnancy and Women Pregnancy Q & A
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
A: Not unless the word 'alimony/ means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college. 

[scottiejohn]

[Andrew Dwyer]

Yup !!

Seems like my life story told briefly !!

[Andrew Dwyer]

You’d be surprised at how many times this has happened to me !!



None !!

Surprised ??

[vogie]

My wife says thinks I'm silly sleeping with the bedside light on...........well I think it makes a nice hat.

[Andrew Dwyer]

I recently received a toilet brush as a gift !!

Long story short, am going back to toilet paper !!

[VocalNeal]

^ stop and think, don't do anything rash