Worst Joke Ever 2024

[scottiejohn]

9 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Alzheimer’s kicking in Eddie ??

I posted this 23 hours ago....... and you gave it a like !!

Classic case of coming again too soon I think!

Edited August 3, 2019 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

This is a reminder for "chickenslegs"

[Seth1a2a]

 A Urinalysis Machine...

 

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.....

 

 

 

[Andrew Dwyer]

Cats !!
Gotta love em !!

[overherebc]

Penguin is driving across USA when he notices steam coming from the engine. Checks and notices the water pump gasket is leaking a bit. Pulls into a gas station and explains his problem and is told the mechanic will come in 30 minutes and fix your broken gasket. It's a hot day so the penguin decides to have an icecream. Gets in a bit of a mess trying to eat the icecream and is just heading to the toilet to wash his face when the mechanic pulls up and says are you the penguin thats just blown a seal? No no he says, it's just melted icecream.

Edited August 3, 2019 by overherebc

[fasteddie]

[VBF]

7 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

This is a reminder for "chickenslegs"

I always get a sense of Deja Vu from this thread ????

[chickenslegs]

7 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

This is a reminder for "chickenslegs"

 

 

[scottiejohn]

8 minutes ago, chickenslegs said:

 

Does chickenslegs need a second chance?

Maybe someone else test in case my memory!!!!!!!!!

PS; I meant in case my memory goes!   eh! where!

Edited August 3, 2019 by scottiejohn

[Andrew Dwyer]

I would really like to see the world void of plagiarism !!

You may say I’m a dreamer .

But I’m not the only one .

[VocalNeal]

22 hours ago, Seth1a2a said:

A duck walks into a bar, hops up on a barstool, and says to the bartender, "Got any worms ??". The bartender says "No, we don't serve worms here", so the duck hops down off the barstool and leaves. The next day, the duck walks into the bar again, hops up, and says "Got any worms??"; again, the bartender says "No, we don't serve worms here", and the duck leaves.

This goes on for several days, until one day the bartender finally had enough, and tells the duck, "Look, you come in here every day and ask for worms, and every day I tell you we don't serve worms. If you come in here again and ask if we got worms, I'm gonna set you up here and nail your feet to the top of the bar. Now GET OUTTA HERE !! "

The next day the duck walks into the bar, hops up on a barstool, and says, "Got any nails??". The bartender says "No", to which the duck replies "Great! Got any worms???".

 

[Andrew Dwyer]

Now that’s just not right !!

[scottiejohn]

44 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

I would really like to see the world void of plagiarism !!

You may say I’m a dreamer .

But I’m not the only one .

I'm a believer.  You copycat!

PS;  But not that Canadian so called singing type!

Edited August 3, 2019 by scottiejohn
PS; added (as usual)

[Andrew Dwyer]

6 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

I'm a believer.  You copycat!

PS;  But not that Canadian so called singing type!

Imagine ????

[Isaanbiker]

"Please tell your wife to squirt me a drink."- ????????

[scottiejohn]

3 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Imagine ????

What if.

 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

The business is doing badly and one of two people from middle management will have to go. It's not an easy decision, as both Theresa and Jack have been there a long time and they're both very good. The first one to leave work tomorrow will get their cards, decides the Personnel Manager; that's the only way he can think of doing it. The following evening, 30 minutes before she usually leaves, Theresa tells Jack she has a bad headache. It could be a migraine coming on, so she's going to go home early. As she gets her coat, the Personnel Manager spots her and decides to take immediate action. He goes over to her and says, 
"There's something I have to say to you, Theresa. I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off." 

"Jack off!" she retorted angrily. "I've got a bad headache." 
 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Two busybodies were walking through the park slagging everyone off when one says to the other
"Look at her from number 16, breast feeding in public again!" 
"Not just that, the boy looks 18 and he's not even her son." 
 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Two neighbours are chatting over the garden wall. 
"When my husband comes home from work tonight, he'll probably bring me a huge bunch of flowers." 
"Oh isn't that nice, you are lucky." 
"No, not really. He'll expect me to take all my clothes off and be on the floor with my legs in the air." 
"Oh dear, why's that?

"Haven't you got any vases?" 
 

Edited August 3, 2019 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

[metisdead]

Some troll posts not related to Worst Joke Ever have been removed. 

[Seth1a2a]

 

A Noble Story Of A Fathers Pain.
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mothers pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and "kick it up a notch."

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, they found the mail man lying dead on the porch.

 

Edited August 3, 2019 by Seth1a2a

[Andrew Dwyer]

About time as well !!

[Andrew Dwyer]

Often wondered how this was invented ??

And now I know !!

[chickenslegs]

I’m thinking about removing my spine.
I feel like it’s only holding me back.

 

I’m terrified of elevators…
… so I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.

 

I used to hate facial hair…
… but then it grew on me.

 

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brothers told me about it.

 

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.

 

Know what the hardest part of riding a scooter is? Telling your parents you're gay.

 

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

[chickenslegs]

[chickenslegs]