I just got thrown out of my local park for arranging the squirrels by height…

Apparently, they didn’t like my critter sizing.

It doesn’t matter if you’re rich or poor. At the end of the day . . . it’s
night.

Why are Vampires sick?

 

 

Cuz their are always ""Coffining""

I told me wife: There's only one thing that scares me during Halloween...

 

My wife: "Which is?"

 

Me: “Exactly”

Two blokes at a pub were discussing event of the world over a couple of schooners when the talk turned to politicians and government.  1 bloke made the observation that most politicians appeared to be 'post turtles'.  The 2nd bloke scratched his head and asked what he meant.  
1st bloke replied: Sometimes when you're driving down a country road you see a turtle balanced on top of a fence post.  That's a 'post turtle'.  The 2nd bloke still looked puzzled and asked how that applied to politicians.  The first bloke explained:
You know he didn't get into that position by himself, he has been elevated above his ability to function, he doesn't belong up there and he doesn't know what to do while he's up there.  The 1st bloke finished with:  You just can't help but wonder what kind of dumb <deleted> put him there in the first place!

 

(Too True)

So what if I can't spell Armageddon?

 

 

It's hardly the end of the world!

I sent my hearing aids in for repair three weeks ago, and I haven't heard anything since...

Just found out my grandfather is addicted to Viagra,

 

nobody is taking it harder than grandma...

I hate it when my girlfriend gets angry at me for being lazy,

 

 

its not like I've done anything.

 

What's a forklift?

 

Food, usually...

I spotted an albino Dalmatian,

 

it was the least I could do...

I once bought a wooden car. Wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden wheels, wooden seats, put the wooden key in the wooden ignition.

Wooden start.   

 

(Groan)

Congratulations to me!

 

With the British interest rates having increased dramatically, I have
just made my final mortgage payment!

 

I still owe £142,236.27p, but I'm just not going to pay them any more.

I lost three fingers on my right hand, so I asked my doctor if I would still be able to write with it.

 

 

He said: “Maybe, but I wouldn't count on it.”

50 minutes ago, Beachcomber said:

Which country is the largest weapons supplier of the Ukraine?

 

 

 

Russia ! ! !

Yes this is almost funny but certainly true!