RIP James Earl Jones.

 

 

Father", the man confessed, "it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month."

 

The priest told the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s."

 

Soon, another man entered the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've been having sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the last two months."

 

 Who is this lady asked the priest 

 

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replied.

 

"Very well", sighed the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary’s."

 

At mass the next morning as the priest was preparing to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redhead entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church were on her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short; and she was wearing matching, shiny emerald green shoes.

 

The priest and the altar boy gasped as she sat with her legs spread slightly apart ..... just enough to reveal that she wasn't wearing any underwear!

 

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, "Is that Fanny Green?"

 

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears, but managed to calmly reply, "No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes." 

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".

Prankster attached this photo to the reversing camera:

Janet was lying in bed one night. Art was falling asleep, but Janet was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me.
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, Art threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" Janet asked.
"To get my teeth!

On the side of the screen, just now: the fastest way to get a divorce (or get killed) known to man!