When I want to call a family meeting,

I just turn off the WiFi and wait for them all to gather,

 

Two atoms were walking down the street.

One turns to the other and says,

Oh, no! I think I’m an ion!

The other asks, Are you sure?

Yes, I’m positive!
 

Want to hear a construction joke?

I’m still working on it.
 

Q: Why couldn’t the lifeguard save the hippie?

A: He was too far out, man.
 

What's the difference between toothpaste and haemorrhoid cream?
I'll tell you when I stop crying.

Just came out of Tesco's and there was a woman crying her eyes out, she'd lost all of her holiday money.
I felt so sorry for her, I gave her 500 baht.
I don't normally do that kind of thing, but I'd just found 50,000 baht in the carpark.

Why do people always remember where they were when someone famous was killed?
Do they feel perhaps they'll need an alibi?

At a wine merchant, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire
A drunkard, with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position
The director of the winery wondered how to send him away
He gave him a glass to drink
The drunk tried it and said:
"It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable”.
"That's correct”, said the boss
Another glass:
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results”
"Correct”
A third glass:
''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive”, calmly said the drunk
The director was astonished
He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something
She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine
The alcoholic tried it
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and - if I don't get the job - I'll name the father”

1 hour ago, ballpoint said:

I suppose you send everyone to sleep with (a)  "Blanket on the Ground"!

I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

A man and woman, both married separately, had to share a room one night on a business trip.
They feel weird at first, but they both fall asleep in their separate beds.

After a few hours of sleeping, the man wakes the woman up and asks her, "Could you grab me another blanket from the closet? I'm really cold."

The woman responds, "Or we could just pretend to be married for the night?"

The man replies, "That would be amazing."

The woman smiles and says, "Okay. Get your own bloody blanket!"

Edited July 15, 20214 yr by fangless

Sorry for making those blanket statements/jokes
It's my quilty pleasure.

3 minutes ago, fangless said:

Sorry for making those blanket statements/jokes
It's my quilty pleasure.

No one give a sheet...