A police officer jumps into his squad car and radios the station.

I have an interesting case here, he says. A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.

Have you arrested her? asks the sergeant.

No, not yet.

The floor’s still wet.
 

Day out at Walmart ...............

I’m not having much luck with jobs lately:

I wasn’t suited to be a tailor.

The muffler factory was just exhausting.

I couldn’t cut it as a barber.

I didn’t have the patience to be a doctor.

I wasn’t a good fit in the shoe factory even though I put my soul into it.

The paper shop folded.

Pool maintenance was too draining.

I got fired from the cannon factory.

And I just couldn’t see any future as a historian.
 

Q:Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon?

A:Because he was a paleontologist.
 

Did you hear about the new dating site for retired chemists?

It’s called Carbon Dating.
 

I'm no use as a personal trainer because I’m not big or strong enough. 
Today, I put in my too-weak notice.

Q: What do you call a fat psychic?

A: A four-chin teller.
 

I won an award for being the best scarecrow in my field.

I told them, Hay, it’s in my jeans.
 

Did you hear about the kidnapping at the school?

It turned out okay. They just woke him up.
 

An employee goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

Boss, he says, the wife tells me we’re doing some heavy housecleaning at her mother’s home tomorrow and she needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.

Sorry, but we’re shorthanded, the boss replies. Tell her from me that I can’t give you the day off.

Thanks, boss, says the employee. I knew I could count on you!

 

 

 

Edited July 14, 20214 yr by fangless

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognised it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

 

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realised the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realised the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

 

"Look," she said, "I went along with the <b j >, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

Edited July 14, 20214 yr by ravip