Genuine Excuses for Speeding: 
 • I had passed out after seeing flashing lights, which I believed to be UFOs in the distance. The flash of the camera brought me round from my trance. 
 • I had to rush my dying hamster to the vet’s. 
 • I was in the airport’s flight path and I believe the camera was triggered by a jet overhead, not my car. 
 • A violent sneeze caused a chain reaction where my foot pushed down harder on the accelerator. 
 • I had a severe bout of diarrhoea and had to speed to a public toilet. 
 • There was a strong wind behind my car, which pushed me over the limit. 
 • My friend had just chopped his fingers off and I was rushing the fingers to hospital. 
 • The only way I could demonstrate my faulty clutch was to accelerate madly. 
 • The vibrations from the surfboard I had on the roof rack set off the camera. 
 

An elderly couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was feeling romantic and was eager to talk. 
 ‘You used to hold my hand when we were courting,’ she said coyly. Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. 
 A few moments later she said: ‘Then you used to kiss me.’ 
 Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. 
 Shortly afterwards she said: ‘Then you used to bite my neck.’ Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and climbed out of bed. ‘Where are you going?’ she asked. 
 ‘To get my teeth!’ 
 

A sales manager and an operations manager went bear hunting. While the operations manager remained in the cabin, the sales manager went looking for a bear. He eventually found one and took aim, but merely succeeded in wounding the animal, which proceeded to chase him back to the cabin. The bear was closing with every stride until just as he reached the cabin door, the sales manager tripped and fell flat on his face. Too close behind to stop, the bear vaulted over him and landed in the cabin. 
 The sales manager quickly jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside:

 

‘You skin this one while I go and get another!’ 

Which English king invented the fireplace? -

Alfred the Grate. 
 

What do you get when you cross:- Bambi with a ghost?

Bamboo. 
 

Chat-up Line:- • You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy. 
 

 

5 minutes ago, ravip said:

I didn't nose that Xmas carrots were in season yet