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My foreign fiancé keeps saying that he is buying me from my parents


hhdoob

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5 hours ago, baansgr said:

Definately and in fact not many Thais do anymore. Where the sin sod comes in is in deepest, darkest issan where they want paying for the mothers milk, dont care two hoots about the young couple having to struggle and of course when its a retired Foreigner....yippee do da dollar signs are in the air

You have def not been to a wedding in BKK where two super rich Thais get married. There are crazy displays of gold and money etc.  I mean absolutely crazy!!  I’m talking about weddings at 5 star hotels with well over 1000 guests. 

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Sin Sod ist yesterday's story. When I married, I was also asked to pay Sin Sod. She has a son of an irresponsable Thai man. So I denied, I said if you want to marry me YOU have to pay me money to me. She still wanted to marry me.

 

"but he came up with 100k baht for the sin sod, which I could feel that it is a bit low". 100 K baht is a lot of money, not only in Thailand where it is a fortune. Of course he should not pay, except he is a stupid guy.

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10 hours ago, khunPer said:

She doesn’t mind party or anything else, but her mum shall have the 200k baht sin sot she asks for, just to settle it, as she says that her mum would never understand why she should not have it.

I second that.
Exactly for that reason I agreed to a modest amount of SinSod.
My wife handled that part of the proceedings " in chambers ": everybody happy.

As for amount, 100.000 THB for a Thai rank and file employee is about a years' salary. For people working in the West one or two month worth, or even shorter.
Does not really break the Bank, does it?

As for the soon to be PhD groom, maybe he will be better of in the soon to be great again country's country side.

For the Bride: if in doubt, don't do it.
and if you do it anyway, demand a prenuptial !!

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explain to him, that the SinSod is not Lost Money!

it is to be put aside, kept in trust by the parents

 

- until it eventually comes the time you no longer need the man 

 

the sinsod is there; to be given back to you in this instance - that is why it's there... for 'you' later on, when you have nothing else to live on

 

 

if parents keep it, well then this is what usually happens, and what he is scared of! 

 

 

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The story's  People make up to get attention  waaaaaaaaaaa

 

This kind of business i would keep to myself not on the bla bla paper 

 

and her English  is excellent  as many Thai are 

 

 

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3 hours ago, tifino said:

explain to him, that the SinSod is not Lost Money!

it is to be put aside, kept in trust by the parents

 

- until it eventually comes the time you no longer need the man 

 

the sinsod is there; to be given back to you in this instance - that is why it's there... for 'you' later on, when you have nothing else to live on

 

 

if parents keep it, well then this is what usually happens, and what he is scared of!

Parents only kept my money and gold for 10 minutes then back into my safe.  Same with all the men I know. 

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On 1/22/2019 at 4:20 PM, puukao said:

Gets a PhD so he can avoid working and then complains about money and everything that is real life.  really the worst loser, and will be nothing but problems forever.  Take his money and leave him as soon as he buys you a house.  No kids.  I repeat, no kids.  and get a boyfriend on the side. this guy is an embarrassment to himself and others.  

 

reading the OP's letter, lots of phrases seem to be American-specific.  interesting.  some of the slang even seems to originate from America.  But i digress.

 

take his 100,000, gold, make him buy that house ASAP.  he will learn a valuable lesson about life.  why marry such a guy anyhow?  tell him to be a real man and pay 1 million.  are you not worth 1 million?  

 

Note:  oh, you are pregnant already?  OMG.......  OK, have the kid in his country and get him to pay child support for 18 years.  

Re post above I really hope you are joking, if not it turns my stomach

Either way i would go out for a beer never to be seen again kid on way or not

Lastly i am not even Amurican

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20 hours ago, alex8912 said:

You have def not been to a wedding in BKK where two super rich Thais get married. There are crazy displays of gold and money etc.  I mean absolutely crazy!!  I’m talking about weddings at 5 star hotels with well over 1000 guests. 

A lot is rented, its big business in Thailand renting gold and such for the wedding to appear wealthier than  you are

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21 minutes ago, baansgr said:

A lot is rented, its big business in Thailand renting gold and such for the wedding to appear wealthier than  you are

BS you don’t have a wedding with 1200 guests at the Oriental or Plaza Anthenee etc and rent gold. I’m talking about MAJOR weddings. Have you ever been to one? I have been to two in the last 12 months at above hotels. Maybe upper middle class rents. 

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Hhdoob: I enjoy reading your posts - you really look like a good woman. Your Bf has luck with you, and I think many guys in TH can only dream to date with a girl like you. 🙂 Only one advice can give you - you express yourself well, so try to talk about your feelings to your Bf. If you and him are made to be together then this can lead to a good solution.

 

To some posters here: if you read carefully this first post then you can see that with this paid Sin Sod they will be equal... so whatever if you are against Sin Sot but should see THIS situation, and to situation of implicated people.

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21 hours ago, marcusarelus said:

Have you ever gotten a bar fine back?  Sin sot is given back in all the marriages I know of.  Bar fines rarely. 

Yes, I have gotten a  bar fine back and I know of farang-Thai marriages in which the sin sot was not returned--apparently thinking the bride would have many more chances to milk the farang.

 

However, neither case is the point of my simile.

 

The bar fine and the sin sot are paid to motivate the girl's overseers to allow the girl to go with you. In effect, you are paying for the girl's attentions.

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Truncated for sake of brevity:

 

On 1/22/2019 at 9:09 AM, RocketDog said:

To the OP:

I read your post and all the responses. Some were sincere, many were either derisive and/or useless, and a few were sad  attempts at humor. 

I didn't intend to reply but am doing so because I don't think you're a troll and deserve a considered response. I'll try not to repeat what others have said except to summarize or clarify. 

 

 

Here goes. 

HIM:

I don't think your fiance is a worthless bum, insincere, or immature.

...

 

YOU:

You have taken a giant step up for yourself and your family by long, hard work and dedication to your education. Y

.....

 

BOTH OF YOU:

The fact that you both share a secondary language may have seduced you in to assuming that you also share a common world view.

 

...

Can't say I agree.  I don't care how "embarrassed" he is that he can't support himself, the fact still remains that he'd [email protected] well better learn and fast.  I've always been of the opinion that anyone who wants to live like an adult-- have own place, marriage, children-- had better start, well, living like an adult, which means supporting themself, first.  I'm sorry he's having financial issues but many people are, and they realize that taking on additional responsibility when they can't even be responsible for themselves is not a good idea.  He can't even pay rent and he thinks he's going to be a husband and father?  While still expecting you to pay all the bills?  He has to have mommy and daddy help buy wedding rings, which one can get pretty cheap if one wants to? 

 

You are working multiple jobs while he whines that he can't get a job-- and blames it on you to boot.  He claims he has no money but then spends half of what you want for sin sot (and whatever percentage of his share of the bills that amount would be) flying "home" (why, does he miss mummy and daddy?).  He "is hoping" he will get a job in Thailand some day (what if he doesn't?  Will you support him forever?  Will he expect you to pack up and go back to his home country?)

 

And no, he doesn't hate paying for a meal for you because he's so egalitarian.  Every relationship I've been in, from friends to significant others, has understood that every so often it's not perfectly equal and one person pays for the other, no nickel-and-diming or keeping score and it all comes out in the wash.  Trust me, I'm the very independent type and I don't like *anyone* paying for me-- not friends, not SOs, not even my parents-- and even I can understand this.  So don't buy that BS from him that it's all about equality.  It's not (otherwise he would be equally as bothered with you paying for everything).  He's just cheap.  (And yes, I know-- student loans are expensive.  If he's so worried about money, why's he living in Thailand, getting a woman pregnant, and thinking of getting married?)

 

He has not "invested heavily in your future with his degree," unless you're considered to have done the same with yours.

 

I agree with everyone else: say "no way Jose" and let him know he's welcome to marry you *when he is self-sufficient*.  You don't have to cut him out of your life, but you don't have to take on him and his personal expenses "forever" ("til death do us part/as long as we both shall live") until you know that arrangement won't have to be forever.  I am not saying he should support you; I am saying he should be able to support himself, as you already can, and then you pay the bills together.  Otherwise you're going to be a mother twice over.

 

 

 

And yes, in this case, asking him for the sin sot is a bit ridiculous, and I can even see why he thinks so.  You can't ask him for rent, you can't ask him to help pay for the wedding, but then suddenly you manage to ask him for sin sot?    He can't even pay for basics and stuff that matters, he can't even support himself, and this is what you want him to come up with money for?  That's like looking at your friend who can't pay for food or rent and inviting them to go on vacation with you, or being that person with thousands of dollars in credit card debt and buying expensive clothes.  Frankly, I think he's right on one thing-- there are better things he could spend that cash on, like helping to pay the bills and for *his child.*

 

And I hope in future the both of you-- educated people that you are-- will evaluate your birth control choices together and find one that is effective.

 

 

 

On 1/22/2019 at 7:52 AM, SOTIRIOS said:

...why was this even allowed here...???

 

(A few foreigners have tried to post their ordeals with Thai women...here.....and they have been insulted, scorned and even accused of being scammers....)

 

...go figure....

And do you complain about it when those other threads are posted?  Or is it just when the tables are turned that you have a problem with it?  (And it sounds like she's also been insulted and scorned, so this thread should fit right in.)

 

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On 1/16/2019 at 5:49 AM, scorecard said:

Well maybe you didn't pay any sin sod, but keep in mind it's very normal in Thailand.

 

My guess is that sin sod happens in 99% of weddings, it's normal, it's standard.

 

Because you didn't pay doesn't mean that's normal. 

A sin sod is not paid if you are marrying someone who has been married before, has children or is not a virgin, so are you saying 99% of weddings in Thailand involve a virgin 😄 😄 Farangs get sucked into this sin sod malarky like lambs to the slaughter.

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On Wed Jan 16 2019 at 6:26 AM, BobbyL said:

I am not sure I have ever seen a Thai person write something in English so succinctly. 

 

I didn't pay any sinsod when we got married as it was never mentioned. If it was, I may feel similar to him as the whole idea of it seems strange to me. I would be highly embarrassed having to bring out a platter of money / gold on my wedding day in front of friends and family.

 

In my opinion let a Thai man deal with all that nonsense. 

agree same me...

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On ‎1‎/‎16‎/‎2019 at 1:25 AM, hhdoob said:

Since we both are paying some large sum of money for the wedding - he for the sin son, and I do for the wedding party. 

I think it is really unfair that he is saying or making jokes that he is buying me and stuff like this. I told him to stop saying all this but it keeps coming out when we get into fight.

Why can't he understand that my side has paid and invested much more in this than he does? 

Why is it embarrassing to him to bring 100k baht on the wedding day when everything else is already paid for by me and my parents?

 

I am trying my best to understand his point, but I can't help feeling so disappointed with myself being pregnant before marriage and having to go through all these troubles. 

I still want to keep the wedding and nourish this relationship and the baby. 

 

 

The above English composition does just not read the same to me as the original OP.

I think maybe "theguyfromanotherforum" might have called this correctly in his post #5.

 

(but then maybe she is just upset from another fight with Cheap Charlie over the sin sod and having to buy her)

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On Thu Jan 24 2019 at 3:02 AM, smotherb said:

Yes, I have gotten a  bar fine back and I know of farang-Thai marriages in which the sin sot was not returned--apparently thinking the bride would have many more chances to milk the farang.

 

However, neither case is the point of my simile.

 

The bar fine and the sin sot are paid to motivate the girl's overseers to allow the girl to go with you. In effect, you are paying for the girl's attentions.

not really ..well I dont know about bar fines cause i dont hang out there but from what I heared it is the money for the mamasan ( female pimp ) non of this the actual prostitute is receiving...in reverse if the farang is not happy with her she  will receive a lot of abuses..( verbaly and physicaly ).well if the pimp have to return the cash imagine what will happen in other country...in my place the women would not survive it or survive it with a big ugly scar around her face or/ and her breasts cut apart....so one of the many reasons i stay away of this "adventure" at home and for sure in los....

about sin sod ..of what i have heared in ancient times when the girl solely dependet on the husbands income and if the husband  divorced her or if he died this money was used to ensure the material survival of the widow / ex...cause in ancient times ( almost as today ) a thai man with brain and status would never ever marry a second hand women or a widow or a non virgin...unlike many falang do...that me think why the falangs are so welcome in certain circles...they often marry the old fat ex prostitute with a backbag  of problems preferable with spoiled kids...the standard......no wonder why they bs the ding dong about sin sod...

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6 hours ago, fouryesrs said:

not really ..well I dont know about bar fines cause i dont hang out there but from what I heared it is the money for the mamasan ( female pimp ) non of this the actual prostitute is receiving...in reverse if the farang is not happy with her she  will receive a lot of abuses..( verbaly and physicaly ).well if the pimp have to return the cash imagine what will happen in other country...in my place the women would not survive it or survive it with a big ugly scar around her face or/ and her breasts cut apart....so one of the many reasons i stay away of this "adventure" at home and for sure in los....

about sin sod ..of what i have heared in ancient times when the girl solely dependet on the husbands income and if the husband  divorced her or if he died this money was used to ensure the material survival of the widow / ex...cause in ancient times ( almost as today ) a thai man with brain and status would never ever marry a second hand women or a widow or a non virgin...unlike many falang do...that me think why the falangs are so welcome in certain circles...they often marry the old fat ex prostitute with a backbag  of problems preferable with spoiled kids...the standard......no wonder why they bs the ding dong about sin sod...

Well now, my friend, you said it; you don't know much about bar fines. You see another similarity is that there are about as many ways the bar fines is distributed as there are ways to distribute sin sot.

 

At times, the girls do get money from the bar fine; in some places any additional money you give the girl is a gratuity because bar and girl are paid from the bar fine. 

 

You will note I used the word "overseer" as opposed to "parent," "guardian," "mamasan," "pimp," etc., in deference to the similarity between the two. However, all such people are in a position of power over the girl.

 

I suggest that some parents may subject their daughters to verbal and physical abuse if they have to return the sin sot. And, you even bring-up a story about your country, in which the girl may be butchered by her parents as reprisal.

 

Yes, your examples of sin sot being used to take care of a girl whose husband dies or is otherwise incapacitated is yet another example of the similarities between sin sot and bar fine. Girls who have drawn significant bar fine for the bar are at times offered support during their down times--pregnancy, illness, beyond their use-by dates, etc.

 

You are correct that Thais can and do look down upon a "second hand woman."  Which makes it all the more ludicrous for a farang to pay sin sot for a non-virgin, a girl past her prime, one with children, one having been married before, or worse yet, a bar girl.

 

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On 1/23/2019 at 9:15 PM, Katia said:

Truncated for sake of brevity:

 

Can't say I agree.  I don't care how "embarrassed" he is that he can't support himself, the fact still remains that he'd [email protected] well better learn and fast.  I've always been of the opinion that anyone who wants to live like an adult-- have own place, marriage, children-- had better start, well, living like an adult, which means supporting themself, first.  I'm sorry he's having financial issues but many people are, and they realize that taking on additional responsibility when they can't even be responsible for themselves is not a good idea.  He can't even pay rent and he thinks he's going to be a husband and father?  While still expecting you to pay all the bills?  He has to have mommy and daddy help buy wedding rings, which one can get pretty cheap if one wants to? 

 

You are working multiple jobs while he whines that he can't get a job-- and blames it on you to boot.  He claims he has no money but then spends half of what you want for sin sot (and whatever percentage of his share of the bills that amount would be) flying "home" (why, does he miss mummy and daddy?).  He "is hoping" he will get a job in Thailand some day (what if he doesn't?  Will you support him forever?  Will he expect you to pack up and go back to his home country?)

 

And no, he doesn't hate paying for a meal for you because he's so egalitarian.  Every relationship I've been in, from friends to significant others, has understood that every so often it's not perfectly equal and one person pays for the other, no nickel-and-diming or keeping score and it all comes out in the wash.  Trust me, I'm the very independent type and I don't like *anyone* paying for me-- not friends, not SOs, not even my parents-- and even I can understand this.  So don't buy that BS from him that it's all about equality.  It's not (otherwise he would be equally as bothered with you paying for everything).  He's just cheap.  (And yes, I know-- student loans are expensive.  If he's so worried about money, why's he living in Thailand, getting a woman pregnant, and thinking of getting married?)

 

He has not "invested heavily in your future with his degree," unless you're considered to have done the same with yours.

 

I agree with everyone else: say "no way Jose" and let him know he's welcome to marry you *when he is self-sufficient*.  You don't have to cut him out of your life, but you don't have to take on him and his personal expenses "forever" ("til death do us part/as long as we both shall live") until you know that arrangement won't have to be forever.  I am not saying he should support you; I am saying he should be able to support himself, as you already can, and then you pay the bills together.  Otherwise you're going to be a mother twice over.

 

 

 

And yes, in this case, asking him for the sin sot is a bit ridiculous, and I can even see why he thinks so.  You can't ask him for rent, you can't ask him to help pay for the wedding, but then suddenly you manage to ask him for sin sot?    He can't even pay for basics and stuff that matters, he can't even support himself, and this is what you want him to come up with money for?  That's like looking at your friend who can't pay for food or rent and inviting them to go on vacation with you, or being that person with thousands of dollars in credit card debt and buying expensive clothes.  Frankly, I think he's right on one thing-- there are better things he could spend that cash on, like helping to pay the bills and for *his child.*

 

And I hope in future the both of you-- educated people that you are-- will evaluate your birth control choices together and find one that is effective.

 

 

 

And do you complain about it when those other threads are posted?  Or is it just when the tables are turned that you have a problem with it?  (And it sounds like she's also been insulted and scorned, so this thread should fit right in.)

 

He has not "invested heavily in your future with his degree," unless you're considered to have done the same with yours.

 

Yes sir, I certainly think that my 6 years of engineering school and two years of pre-med, all paid by scholarships and year round work in the engineering labs, was a definite investment in my future.

 

My first job out of school was working on a National Institute of Health grant to develop an artificial heart, headed by one of the most famous (still) heart surgeons in the world. From there I opened an Engineering Consulting business, was granted 4 patents, and successfully retired two years ago.

 

Perhaps you consider your degree worthless, assuming you have one.

I'm sorry you wasted your time.

I think you sound very bitter.

 

When you abbreviated my post you left out the most important line: "To the Op". That salutation was intentional. Frankly I don't give a hoot what you think about me or my reply to her.

 

 

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3 hours ago, RocketDog said:

He has not "invested heavily in your future with his degree," unless you're considered to have done the same with yours.

 

Yes sir, I certainly think that my 6 years of engineering school and two years of pre-med, all paid by scholarships and year round work in the engineering labs, was a definite investment in my future.

 

My first job out of school was working on a National Institute of Health grant to develop an artificial heart, headed by one of the most famous (still) heart surgeons in the world. From there I opened an Engineering Consulting business, was granted 4 patents, and successfully retired two years ago.

 

Perhaps you consider your degree worthless, assuming you have one.

I'm sorry you wasted your time.

I think you sound very bitter.

 

When you abbreviated my post you left out the most important line: "To the Op". That salutation was intentional. Frankly I don't give a hoot what you think about me or my reply to her.

 

 

I didn't say I wasted my time with my degree (and yes I do have one, but nice try at insult, that was cute), nor that you did (and no, I really don't care what you've done with yours, but go ahead and talk about it if it makes you feel better).  Read my post again and actually try to comprehend it this time.  You told the OP that her fiance has "invested in their future" with his postgrad degree as an excuse for why she shouldn't expect him to pay his own way, while ignoring that she also has postgraduate education, as if hers is worth nothing.  They both have an education to invest in their futures.  Give credit where credit is due.  The only difference is that she actually has money (or admits to having money, not sure which is his issue-- being broke or just saying he is). 

 

Nor do I give a crap whether you care what I think of you or your reply (although the fact that you bothered to both address it and to take it personally tells me that yes, you do care).  If you want to put on Offense Glasses and read way too much into my post, knock yourself out.  I merely pointed out that I disagree with a few points you made, something people do on this forum about every three seconds, so if you're not used to that by now maybe the internet is not for you.  My reply was also addressed to the OP, in case you hadn't noticed (again-- really-- maybe actually read my post before you get offended by something in it and proceed to let your offense cloud your reading), so you're right, you don't need to worry about it at all.  You gave advice, I gave advice, some of my advice happened to not agree with your advice.  Life goes on.

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On 1/16/2019 at 6:25 AM, hhdoob said:

I think it is really unfair that he is saying or making jokes that he is buying me and stuff like this. I told him to stop saying all this but it keeps coming out when we get into fight. 

Ignore all the sinsod discussion in this thread, he continues to be uncaring and thoughless when you have requested he drops his jibes about 'buying you'.

 

Just drop him and his nasty comments, if he really cared for you he would be more considerate

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