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My foreign fiancé keeps saying that he is buying me from my parents


hhdoob

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I am Thai woman in my late twenties. The wedding is two weeks away. My husband-to-be is from Europe in his mid 30s. 

We've met abroad about three years ago, when I was studying for my Masters in Europe. I am not from a wealthy family, I am just fortunate enough to get the grant that covered all the education and expenses during my two-year time abroad. Long story short, I graduated and started working in Bangkok. We live together in a small condo that I paid for the down payment myself and I am paying off the monthly credit still. I've met his parents. He's met mine. Our parents have met. Things seemed to be progressing very well. And then I got pregnant. We started the "Sin Sod" talk with my parents. I told my mother about the pregnancy but my mother suggested to keep it secret to my father for now. The money talk bit was quite exhausting from the very beginning with him, as he does not seem to understand it very well. I tried sharing articles to him, explaining in many ways but it is to no avail. My parents are from the country side, do not speak a word in English and they are both teachers. My parents never said a figure, but he came up with 100k baht for the sin sod, which I could feel that it is a bit low. My parents did not say much but my father only asked that he brings the rings and a piece of jewelry for me for the wedding day.

So, my now fiancee is struggling to find 100k baht, but he has borrowed from his parents and friends. He got the rings and a necklace from his parents. 

I am frustrated because every time we talk about this, it always ends up with him nagging me about having to buy me off from my parents, and that we could use "that 100k baht" for something more useful. We will have quite a big wedding with about 200 guests coming. And I have already paid 150k in advance for organizing it. And whenever I mentioned this, he would immediately say that he never wants such a big wedding and since it's my parents wish, they should just take care of it. 

 

I am just so emotionally drained from all this money talk. I feel like 100k baht should not be such a huge problem given his age. He keeps saying that that he has to "buy me" from my parents like I am some sort of commodity and often jokes about bringing the cows and camels. I find it very offensive and get a breakdown everytime we fight. Then later, he would apologize but remain clear that he has his valid arguments, and he better keeps it to himself, because it would not make me feel better anyway.

 

I just feel like I am carrying all these burdens on my shoulders - I pay for the wedding, all the doctor visits, he even borrows 10k from me for the Sin Sod. 

 

In his defense, he is still unemployed. (He said it's all because he has to be here with me) He is doing freelance jobs on the internet not making that much money. He is finishing his PhD later this year, and hopefully will find a job here somewhere. He also spends a lot of money flying here and back home many times a year, since we have been together. 

 

It's all money problems and I can't stop thinking about it. He always doesn't like that I am Thai and that I am with him and people would look at us differently. He hates paying for me even for a meal, because it makes him feel like one of those type of men. We share everything equal. But in practice, I just end up having to pay more always. I have a full-time job and work extra jobs also.

 

Please help.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I am not sure I have ever seen a Thai person write something in English so succinctly. 

 

I didn't pay any sinsod when we got married as it was never mentioned. If it was, I may feel similar to him as the whole idea of it seems strange to me. I would be highly embarrassed having to bring out a platter of money / gold on my wedding day in front of friends and family.

 

In my opinion let a Thai man deal with all that nonsense. 

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Cut your losses and get rid of him. I know the baby is a complication but as a man, I cant tell you how to handle that...but clearly your fiancee is not one I would want my daughter marrying.

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"I am just so emotionally drained from all this money talk. I feel like 100k baht should not be such a huge problem given his age. He keeps saying that that he has to "buy me" from my parents like I am some sort of commodity and often jokes about bringing the cows and camels. I find it very offensive and get a breakdown everytime we fight."  - Then give up trying to get money out of him for marrying you. Marrying is about love, not about "sin sod" scams. He's a foreigner, not Thai. And about Thai culture, isn't it once a woman has a kid that no sin sod usually gets paid by a Thai guy? Same with a woman who has been divorced?

 

You said it's your parent's wish to have a big wedding. He doesn't want it. Don't do a big wedding then then there won't be all those costs.

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20 minutes ago, BobbyL said:

I am not sure I have ever seen a Thai person write something in English so succinctly. 

 

I didn't pay any sinsod when we got married as it was never mentioned. If it was, I may feel similar to him as the whole idea of it seems strange to me. I would be highly embarrassed having to bring out a platter of money / gold on my wedding day in front of friends and family.

 

In my opinion let a Thai man deal with all that nonsense. 

Well maybe you didn't pay any sin sod, but keep in mind it's very normal in Thailand.

 

My guess is that sin sod happens in 99% of weddings, it's normal, it's standard.

 

Because you didn't pay doesn't mean that's normal. 

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"So, my now fiancee is struggling to find 100k baht, but he has borrowed from his parents and friends. He got the rings and a necklace from his parents."

 

"I am just so emotionally drained from all this money talk. I feel like 100k baht should not be such a huge problem given his age."

 

You've said that he hasn't got money then and struggled to find 100k baht then you say that it shouldn't be such a big problem given his age. You clearly don't understand him at all and shouldn't get married. That's the true harsh reality.

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6 minutes ago, scorecard said:

Well maybe you didn't pay any sin sod, but keep in mind it's very normal in Thailand.

 

My guess is that sin sod happens in 99% of weddings, it's normal, it's standard.

 

Because you didn't pay doesn't mean that's normal. 

Only foreigners who are suckers pay sin sod, and Thai guys. Unless they work out a deal where the Thai girl's parents will pay for the wedding to follow the foreign style where it's traditional for the girl's parents to for pay 100% of the wedding. The guy should say "yes sure I'll pay 100k in sin sod to follow your culture but you need to follow my culture too and your parent's need to pay for 100% of our wedding". That could end up costing many tens of thousands of dollars for the parents for sure.

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11 minutes ago, theguyfromanotherforum said:

Not written by Thai as English is just too good. Sorry, but troll

Despite Nong, the hottest and most popular star at Rainbow 2 being understandingly multi-lingual, she doesn't exactly have a Masters from Europe now does she?

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Since we both are paying some large sum of money for the wedding - he for the sin son, and I do for the wedding party. 

I think it is really unfair that he is saying or making jokes that he is buying me and stuff like this. I told him to stop saying all this but it keeps coming out when we get into fight.

Why can't he understand that my side has paid and invested much more in this than he does? 

Why is it embarrassing to him to bring 100k baht on the wedding day when everything else is already paid for by me and my parents?

 

I am trying my best to understand his point, but I can't help feeling so disappointed with myself being pregnant before marriage and having to go through all these troubles. 

I still want to keep the wedding and nourish this relationship and the baby. 

 

 

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there are really people in this forum that have nothing to do with their lives... I'll suggest them a 'jump of fame' at least once in their life they will be in some kind of news...

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40 minutes ago, scorecard said:

Well maybe you didn't pay any sin sod, but keep in mind it's very normal in Thailand.

 

My guess is that sin sod happens in 99% of weddings, it's normal, it's standard.

 

Because you didn't pay doesn't mean that's normal. 

I agree, but as a foreigner I have no interest in taking part in anything like that. 

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1 minute ago, hhdoob said:

Since we both are paying some large sum of money for the wedding - he for the sin son, and I do for the wedding party. 

I think it is really unfair that he is saying or making jokes that he is buying me and stuff like this. I told him to stop saying all this but it keeps coming out when we get into fight.

Why can't he understand that my side has paid and invested much more in this than he does? 

Why is it embarrassing to him to bring 100k baht on the wedding day when everything else is already paid for by me and my parents?

 

I am trying my best to understand his point, but I can't help feeling so disappointed with myself being pregnant before marriage and having to go through all these troubles. 

I still want to keep the wedding and nourish this relationship and the baby. 

 

 

 

Just one point, why not carefully tell him you don't like his comments about buying you. Tell him it upsets you. 

 

Perhaps he thinks it's funny and he's not realizing that it hurts you.

 

If he responds negatively to your comments (above) then you need to think much deeper and long-term. Good luck.

 

 

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17 minutes ago, hhdoob said:

Since we both are paying some large sum of money for the wedding - he for the sin son, and I do for the wedding party. 

I think it is really unfair that he is saying or making jokes that he is buying me and stuff like this. I told him to stop saying all this but it keeps coming out when we get into fight.

Why can't he understand that my side has paid and invested much more in this than he does? 

Why is it embarrassing to him to bring 100k baht on the wedding day when everything else is already paid for by me and my parents?

 

I am trying my best to understand his point, but I can't help feeling so disappointed with myself being pregnant before marriage and having to go through all these troubles. 

I still want to keep the wedding and nourish this relationship and the baby. 

 

 

And who will get all the money given by the wedding guests in envelopes at the reception? The one who pays for the party usually. Totally agree that the couple have better things to spend the money on than Sin Sod. Will the bride's parents give that to the bride? My step daughter is getting married in March. The boys Mum has said she will pay for the party....Hong Thong for breakfast but at our house!......and a small Sin Sod. I said I will put money in a bank account for the couple.

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2 minutes ago, wgdanson said:

And who will get all the money given by the wedding guests in envelopes at the reception? The one who pays for the party usually. Totally agree that the couple have better things to spend the money on than Sin Sod. Will the bride's parents give that to the bride? My step daughter is getting married in March. The boys Mum has said she will pay for the party....Hong Thong for breakfast but at our house!......and a small Sin Sod. I said I will put money in a bank account for the couple.

So far, I have paid 150k as deposit for the wedding but we are still due to pay another about 80-100k after the party. We've planned to used envelopes money to pay off for that 80-100k. If we would still be in profit, we've all agreed that the money will be given to us and we will put this away for the baby (medical bills, delivery etc.) If it's not enough, my parents offer to help with the rest.

 

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1 hour ago, hhdoob said:

It's all money problems and I can't stop thinking about it. He always doesn't like that I am Thai and that I am with him and people would look at us differently. He hates paying for me even for a meal, because it makes him feel like one of those type of men. We share everything equal. But in practice, I just end up having to pay more always. I have a full-time job and work extra jobs also.

I accept that as you are managing to do a masters in Europe that you have managed to master English as well. Taking everything at face value the problem is that your finance doesn't have any real understanding of Thai culture. So the concept of Sin-sod is totally foreign to him. Regrettably he may just be too immature to appreciate that different cultures can be so diametrically opposed. He may never come to understand the concept, in which case it will be an ongoing problem that may lead to the relationship breaking down.

 

As you will have seen there are people here who have the same problem. 

 

If you want to have a chance of continuing you will both need to talk for many many hours and remember that just because you are both speaking the same language does not mean that you understand each other.

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He is in his mid 30s and no job and just about to get his PhD. Can you tell us what his degree is in. Has he ever had much of a job? it almost sounds like he is a perpetual student. Fit to be an English teacher perhaps.

 

But look doubts about his long term prospects aside, sin sod is a cultural thing that doesn't translate well into another culture. I wouldn't read too much into his or any other comments that denigrate it. A lot of people here are boofheads who have little hope of understanding something different and compensate by making bad jokes. Also its a symbol of pride for some western men to be able to say that no thai woman ever ripped them off especially on an anonymous internet forum.

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9 minutes ago, hhdoob said:

So far, I have paid 150k as deposit for the wedding but we are still due to pay another about 80-100k after the party. We've planned to used envelopes money to pay off for that 80-100k. If we would still be in profit, we've all agreed that the money will be given to us and we will put this away for the baby (medical bills, delivery etc.) If it's not enough, my parents offer to help with the rest.

 

Who gets the Sin Sod money....your Mum & Dad, who will help you pay off the rest of the party WITH HIS MONEY. Absolute waste.

As he is a Westerner, why not combine both cultures. he pays Sin Sod, and your family pay a Dowry....look it up on Wikipedia.

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The potential husband has to realize that sin sod is traditional and cultural. Usually it is cash that is laid at the feet of the brides parents and then returned after the ceremony to the couple/bridegroom. To not have it at a village wedding is...well...bad form.

If it has to be used to pay for the rest of the party then it is a waste as it could have been used for better things.

 

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23 minutes ago, hhdoob said:

I don't need to prove anything to anyone here. But I will just take this as compliment. 

FWIW sweetheart, by my judgment as a native English speaker and as one who was highly educated in reading and writing when education meant something in the US, you are either an highly educated ESL who writes very well (with the proviso that its easy for me to see you are a non native speaker) or a very creative native english speaker/writer who can imitate an educated non native. 

 

Based on the writing skills I see every day, the second appears unlikely.

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2 minutes ago, Sheryl said:

By a Thai who completed a Masters Degree at a Uni in zeurope, certainly possible.

Sent from my SM-J701F using Thailand Forum - Thaivisa mobile app
 

Please read my post, Id say very probable. So maybe folks should cut the girl a break. If "she" is a troll, she is a good enough imitation to deserve it 🙂

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