Hello! I am a young Scandinavian woman with a thai boyfriend. He has been living in my country about 11 years. We have a little problem with the culture shock lately, altough we have been together for over a year. I was hoping that someone with similar experiences could tell their stories and how they worked out their problem (if they did)? The story goes as follows:

Our cultures are very different in some cases. Here people are more self-centered and have learned to be independent. This is because the country has very low density of population, and in the history people had to survive on their own. They could have 1km walk to the nearest neighbour and 30 to nearest village so people had to be independent and do everything by themselves. In Thailand on the contrary, the density of population is much, much higher, so I understand that getting along with other people is important.

My boyfriend is very considerate and always asking how I am, helping with little things such as cooking etc. His family and thai friends are always so nice to me. When I go to have a dinner at someone's place, they don't let me help with cooking, always fill my class before it's empty and so on. You may think what is the problem? I feel embarassed because they are TOO polite and I don't know what to say or do. I just try to be myself but I feel it's not enough. I feel like I own something to those people but I can't become a Thai and act like them, because it would not be natural to me. I'm afraid they won't understand or think I'm unpolite. My bf always says what is on his mind, good or bad. Sometimes when I don't realize I should help him with some small thing, for example if I fill my glass with water and forgot to ask if he wants too, he reminds about that. Often he asks me to do little things such as bring him his phone or a glass of water etc. when he could as well do it by himself. Those times I feel like he just wants to boss me around. Thai women seem to be experts in this kind of spoiling and he is used to it. On my point of view it's just so unpractical and unpolite from him, too. I ask him to do something for me only if I need his help, because it would be funny to ask him to do something that I could do myself, like bringing my phone etc.

Despite all this, we have a good relationship, but we talk/fight about this many times each week without progress. Any help would be appreciated Thanks!

IMH(male)O I wouldn't say that Thai women would tolerate being told to fetch things for very long! If you don't do things then he will stop asking. It's only because you do something that he will push to see what else you will do.

Us men are like little kids and must be treated with a firm hand!

Sorry, Snow White. Where are you both now? Thailand? And where did you meet? Thailand or your country? Also what age range are you both?

Things like filling his glass are common courtosy IMO, not about being thai. If you are pouring yourself a drink it would be polite to ask regardless if he wanted one. But I do understand where you are coming from about the overly attentive attention thai freinds smother you with. it also makes me uncomfortable sometimes so I dont think you are that unusual, as we brits are also used to fending for ourselves.

On the asking to bring him things, he may not realise he is doing it. My (thai) husband also sometimes says, "honey can you pass me......." when he is sitting the same distance from it as me & I just reply, with a nice big smile, "ahh poor baby, you break your legs today" he then realises that he is being a lazy b-stard & gets it himself & laughs or if I am feeling nice I laugh & get it for him.

But if I am getting up to make a drink always ask him if he needs anything, as for me I like to do little things like that to make him feel good.

Tone & the way you ask for things to be done are very imprtant though (this I find works for all men not only thai) so look at how you ask him to do something. Are you whiney, screechy or do you ask in a nice calm manner???

In the past & even quite recently we used to row cause I never said things to him the right way (in his opinion). So instead of shouting about him for leaving his dirty plates on the sink after being asked billions of times to use the dishwasher for example , I now use this other approach of speaking very calmly & asking him if he would from now on load the dishwasher instead of leaving things on the side as did he know, this new invention the dishwasher was the magic plate washing machine but could only work if you actually put things in it.

He knows I am taking the piss out of him but I am doing it with a smile on my face & a sweetly soft voice which to him is more of an incentive than me telling him he is a lazy git & load the dishwasher as I dont' want to tell you another million times He asked for me to address issues in this way & our row quota has decreased a lot!!!!

There will always be differnces in approach but if this is the main problem of your relationship you arne't doing too bad IMO. Depends on how much BOTH of you are compromising & willing to iron out the little issues & how you handle the big.

boo

i wanted to say something about eh water glass thingy:

if u ever watch luk tung music (and if your boyfriend is issaan i.e northeaster village) u will notice that often in the videos etc the girl /young woman/mother will bring a bowl of water/glass of water etc to the man in the video who is angry/upset/after hard day of work.... i worked for 4 yrs with a thai guy who was a very close friend of mine. we had several very hard arguements where he went thai male on me and clammed up and wouldnt speak with me so at one point i went and did "the bring the water in a glass" thing. i even presented it to him as if it was a gift (with a wai and two hands holding the gift of the water glass. he suddenly was back to his old self again. he pointed this out to me as ' u have learned to be like a (old fashioned) thai woman'. there seems to be some old fashioned thing behind this of 'serving your husband' not as a slave but just one of those old fashioned things. it may be mentioned in some old list of things that a perfect wife was supposed to do for her husband. there is btw, the same list with slightly differenct things in it, for the husband to do for the wife. i once found the list on the net. cant find it now. it was listed by some prince or other as to proper behavior among husbands wives etc.

also, thai feel it is almost obscene if u eat without offering to share with the others around u. somthing along the line of 'he who eats alone, dies alone'.

my husband will never eat alone. he drives my kids crazy with offerring them food when he's cooked (they've already eaten in the common dining room); fortunately this is a middle eastern trait also. he also will not go to sleep until i go to sleep which kind of forces me to change my sleep patterns some (earlier to sleep, less computer time etc). he also cant understand why my younger and oldest daughters dont do much around the house (they are busy, one in army, one is just 'busy' doing things that 13 r olds do on kibbutz). also, he doesnt like it when i am alone w/o one of the kids with me at night since he doesnt live with me full time. (not cause of jealousy but cause people in thailand dont like to be alone for the most part) this of course doesnt describe all thai, just seems to describe more th village thai who live in close quarters surrounded by family at all times, and where privacy is not a priority. all of which are issues in us westerners' house/neighbor relationships. i do think that my middle eastern culture is similar in this respect. however the typical israeli loud yelling is definately a no no for him.

maybe cause i'm older than my husband, or this is my second marriage, but i compromise more. i give in more. but then he does a lot of spoiling for me also. he waits up for me until i come to bed. he wont go to sleep without me. in the morning, my coffee is waiting for me. i find that it is a waste of time and energy to argue about things that dont really matter or arent really that important to me. i choose my battles and think how to fight them without the screaming shouting that were part and parcel of my previous marriage. he has less tolerance for cultural differences so i am the one that has to accomodate, since he has never been exposed or taught about cultural difference. its not in his lexicon. i find that that more he gives, the more i give,which in turn keeps him giving which is better then the other type of scenario of 'the more he shouts the more i shout'.

there is a difference between living in a different culture/country and living with someone in that difference culture/country. suddenly the small differences are the ones that are a pain in the a...

a good sense of humour and a willingness to not stand on your pride really go a long way... since thai men DO stand on their pride.

bina

israel

maybe cause i'm older than my husband, or this is my second marriage, but i compromise more. i give in more. but then he does a lot of spoiling for me also. he waits up for me until i come to bed. he wont go to sleep without me. in the morning, my coffee is waiting for me. i find that it is a waste of time and energy to argue about things that dont really matter or arent really that important to me. i choose my battles and think how to fight them without the screaming shouting that were part and parcel of my previous marriage. he has less tolerance for cultural differences so i am the one that has to accomodate, since he has never been exposed or taught about cultural difference. its not in his lexicon. i find that that more he gives, the more i give,which in turn keeps him giving which is better then the other type of scenario of 'the more he shouts the more i shout'.

When I first got married and went home with my husband I had a conversation similar to this with my mother.

My dad is a midnight snacker and always leaves his crackers and peanut butter covered knife on the counter. I asked my mom, "after all these years doesn't it make you crazy that he always leaves his peanut butter knife on the counter?" And she answered, "At first, it did, but then I realized there are alot of things your father does for me that I can't so easily do for myself that I can put his peanut butter knife on the counter. Its such a small thing."

Remember that, don't sweat the small stuff because really, thats all it is. Is he really jeopardizing your independence by asking for a glass of water? If you asked him in a similar situation, do you think he would happily jump up and get you a glass of water? Try it, I'll bet you'd be surprised.

Relationships are a two way street, and if you are satisfied with his behavior in the rest of it, why should such a small thing as asking for a glass of water be important?

your mum is a wise woman sbk

your mum is a wise woman sbk

I know, I love her to bits and admire her deeply.

Thank you really much for your posts! Yes, I agree with all of you, and it sometimes feels better to hear the facts from someone else. I don't like to argue about small things but he always starts nagging about the smallest things (on my point of view). I'm sure that by time we will learn to compromise more and understand each other.

Sbk: Your mother sounds like a wise woman

Sorry, Snow White. Where are you both now? Thailand? And where did you meet? Thailand or your country? Also what age range are you both?

We are both living in my country and we met here in university. We are age "twenty-something", he is a few years older than me. Unfortunately I haven't been to Thailand for more than a couple of weeks holiday and that is the reason why I'm not so familiar with Thai culture. I don't think we ever move there because his family lives here, and also he can earn more money than in Thailand as he explained.

I used to live with my ex-husband in my country for several years. He was just awesome! Considerate, helped with everything, we could talk and everyone envied me. Then we went to his country and everything changed within the hour. It was not appropriate to go out together (he went with his buddies), he felt he had to get a mistress, he became violent, the whole story... I never knew what hit me. Therefore I would advise anybody who used to live in another country with their (Thai) husbands to remain there. Don't ever move to his country.

actually an interesting point; i actually wonder about that also; peer pressure and all that sort of thing

maybe cause i'm older than my husband, or this is my second marriage, but i compromise more. i give in more. but then he does a lot of spoiling for me also. he waits up for me until i come to bed. he wont go to sleep without me. in the morning, my coffee is waiting for me. i find that it is a waste of time and energy to argue about things that dont really matter or arent really that important to me. i choose my battles and think how to fight them without the screaming shouting that were part and parcel of my previous marriage. he has less tolerance for cultural differences so i am the one that has to accomodate, since he has never been exposed or taught about cultural difference. its not in his lexicon. i find that that more he gives, the more i give,which in turn keeps him giving which is better then the other type of scenario of 'the more he shouts the more i shout'.

When I first got married and went home with my husband I had a conversation similar to this with my mother.

My dad is a midnight snacker and always leaves his crackers and peanut butter covered knife on the counter. I asked my mom, "after all these years doesn't it make you crazy that he always leaves his peanut butter knife on the counter?" And she answered, "At first, it did, but then I realized there are alot of things your father does for me that I can't so easily do for myself that I can put his peanut butter knife on the counter. Its such a small thing."

Remember that, don't sweat the small stuff because really, thats all it is. Is he really jeopardizing your independence by asking for a glass of water? If you asked him in a similar situation, do you think he would happily jump up and get you a glass of water? Try it, I'll bet you'd be surprised.

Relationships are a two way street, and if you are satisfied with his behavior in the rest of it, why should such a small thing as asking for a glass of water be important?

Hey, I'm a midnight peanut butter snacker as well. No knife on the counter though, as I need to get rid of all evidence of snacking, or lectures ensue. I'm going to cite your mom as an example of what a truly understnding mate will allow.

I used to live with my ex-husband in my country for several years. He was just awesome! Considerate, helped with everything, we could talk and everyone envied me. Then we went to his country and everything changed within the hour. It was not appropriate to go out together (he went with his buddies), he felt he had to get a mistress, he became violent, the whole story... I never knew what hit me. Therefore I would advise anybody who used to live in another country with their (Thai) husbands to remain there. Don't ever move to his country.

That's actually why I was asking where Snow White & her beau were living. I would imagine that in farangland, a Thai man would possibly adapt more to the farang way of thinking & doing things, rather than here where (through peer pressure, as bina stated, or other reasons) he might want the situation to be more Thai. Of course, it depends on the man, but by living in a foreign country you do conform to the ways of that country & perhaps act differently to how you would in your own. For instance, I don't argue with people or lose my temper nearly as much here as I would in the West.

maybe cause i'm older than my husband, or this is my second marriage, but i compromise more. i give in more. but then he does a lot of spoiling for me also. he waits up for me until i come to bed. he wont go to sleep without me. in the morning, my coffee is waiting for me. i find that it is a waste of time and energy to argue about things that dont really matter or arent really that important to me. i choose my battles and think how to fight them without the screaming shouting that were part and parcel of my previous marriage. he has less tolerance for cultural differences so i am the one that has to accomodate, since he has never been exposed or taught about cultural difference. its not in his lexicon. i find that that more he gives, the more i give,which in turn keeps him giving which is better then the other type of scenario of 'the more he shouts the more i shout'.

When I first got married and went home with my husband I had a conversation similar to this with my mother.

My dad is a midnight snacker and always leaves his crackers and peanut butter covered knife on the counter. I asked my mom, "after all these years doesn't it make you crazy that he always leaves his peanut butter knife on the counter?" And she answered, "At first, it did, but then I realized there are alot of things your father does for me that I can't so easily do for myself that I can put his peanut butter knife on the counter. Its such a small thing."

Remember that, don't sweat the small stuff because really, thats all it is. Is he really jeopardizing your independence by asking for a glass of water? If you asked him in a similar situation, do you think he would happily jump up and get you a glass of water? Try it, I'll bet you'd be surprised.

Relationships are a two way street, and if you are satisfied with his behavior in the rest of it, why should such a small thing as asking for a glass of water be important?

Hey, I'm a midnight peanut butter snacker as well. No knife on the counter though, as I need to get rid of all evidence of snacking, or lectures ensue. I'm going to cite your mom as an example of what a truly understnding mate will allow.

Probably wouldn't go over so well here in Thailand what with the attraction of rats and cockroaches

Thais can be experts at manipulating others to feel guilty. learn the smiles.

Hello again

I was reading this post and now when I look back some weeks, I realize that this was just part of a bigger problem. We were fighting about small things when there was something wrong with the relationship. You see, he is willing to settle down and wanted me to buy an apartment with him and live together. I wasn't ready to buy yet, so he bought by himself. He still wanted me to move at his place, but I wasn't as eager as him, altough I was thinking it could be nice idea. A couple of weeks ago he was even talking about having childern together... and then next week broke up with me. The reason as he told was that he thinks life is easier for him without me. This is what is puzzling me: following my logic, he was serious about me and still he broke up. I think it's a guy thing, some older woman trye to explain to me, but it doesn't hit me why he would abandon a woman that he cares about? Just because I want to progress slowly with our relationship? Maybe it looks to him that I'm not interested enough when I don't want rush with important things like living together etc. I guess I will figure it out later but it's so new situation that I still feel puzzled and kind of surprised that he change his mind so fast. I'm not even sure if he's just simply dissapointed with me for a reson or he's just not patient enough. Whatever the reason I don't think he would take me back and I'm not sure if it would be good for me to be his girlfriend if I have to be afraid that he will leave me if things don't go as he wants. Any help appreciated...

It doesn't sound to me like he ended the relationship because he couldn't get his own way, it sounds to me like he ended the relationship because he realized that you didn't hold the same level of commitment that he did.

I'm no expert but SBK's theory sounds right to me

That, and also perhaps that he just wasn't getting the type and degree of caring from you that he wants. Western women are much less solicitious of men than is the norm in Thailand. Some Thai men can adjust to this; some even like the more independent nature of western women and also find it a relief not to have to "take care" of her constantly. But your man doesn't sound like one of these...he wanted to fuss over you and have you fuss over him. And he wanted a life-long commitment.

I know it's hard to accept, but it looks to me like he made a good judgement call in terms of your respective needs, and it may have saved even more heartache further down the line for both of you.

It doesn't sound to me like he ended the relationship because he couldn't get his own way, it sounds to me like he ended the relationship because he realized that you didn't hold the same level of commitment that he did.

it sounds weird but I - male - can somewhat relate to him. some years ago, i suddenly wanted to settle down and have kids. like - right now. NOW. there was suddenly a very strong desire to settle down. so if I had had a partner at the time who didn't even want to move in with me, I would have known that that was never going to work.

my life situation was pretty different of course, i was already married and while my wife was not as eager as me she was not opposed, so it all ended differently - built house and expecting baby.

point is, I can relate to the sudden urge to want to settle down and have a family and I know that this desire can be very strong. maybe that's what happened.

on the topic of Thai table manners - that can be pretty stressful with the in-laws or even normal Thai friends. I know what to do or at least how to get by without being extremely rude, but I am far from the point where I could find the experience relaxing.

Relaxed eating at our house was everyone for themselves and all have fun & dig in, whereas in Thailand it's about not taking too much (rude!), checking other's glasses/plates more than one's own, helping out with bringing food / disposing of plates, not eating the last bit until its so cold and old that no one else could possibly want it, serving rice the "nice" way (in order to avoid doing it the extremely rude way!).... I could continue this list, it goes on and on... It's charming to watch but relaxing - not! Maybe some day all this will come naturally but as of now it requires a lot of concentration that I would rather expend on the delicious Thai cooking.

Edited April 4, 200719 yr by nikster

Hello again

I was reading this post and now when I look back some weeks, I realize that this was just part of a bigger problem. We were fighting about small things when there was something wrong with the relationship. You see, he is willing to settle down and wanted me to buy an apartment with him and live together. I wasn't ready to buy yet, so he bought by himself. He still wanted me to move at his place, but I wasn't as eager as him, altough I was thinking it could be nice idea. A couple of weeks ago he was even talking about having childern together... and then next week broke up with me. The reason as he told was that he thinks life is easier for him without me. This is what is puzzling me: following my logic, he was serious about me and still he broke up. I think it's a guy thing, some older woman trye to explain to me, but it doesn't hit me why he would abandon a woman that he cares about? Just because I want to progress slowly with our relationship? Maybe it looks to him that I'm not interested enough when I don't want rush with important things like living together etc. I guess I will figure it out later but it's so new situation that I still feel puzzled and kind of surprised that he change his mind so fast. I'm not even sure if he's just simply dissapointed with me for a reson or he's just not patient enough. Whatever the reason I don't think he would take me back and I'm not sure if it would be good for me to be his girlfriend if I have to be afraid that he will leave me if things don't go as he wants. Any help appreciated...

I am a male and hope you don't mind that I post a comment.

This is what you wrote in your OP:

Hello! I am a young Scandinavian woman with a thai boyfriend. He has been living in my country about 11 years. We have a little problem with the culture shock lately, altough we have been together for over a year.

Unfortunately we know just one side of the story.

Some facts:

* you have been "living" together (in Scandinavia I presume) for over a year; or was it "been together", living apart ?

* strange is, that he asked you to buy an apartment and live together; why not buy together ?

* You were not ready yet to buy....so HE buys an apartment and asks you to live together but you "wasn't as eager as him but thought it to be a nice idea"

* He started talking about having children and the week after he broke up.

Some thoughts:

* I admire him for being in your country for 11 years and able to buy an apartment on his own (but maybe he was born well-off, financially)

* Obviously you are still madly in love with him but you're still -very?- young and not yet mature enough to make a commitment-for-life (nothing wrong with that)

* I think you were right to "take it slowly" but he wished to 'push' you a bit stronger -for a commitment together-.

Advice?

Stay put to your decision to take it slow. If he really loves you, he'll be back knocking on your door.

If he doesn't......he's NOT the love-of-your-life.

My opinion is that this is a typical East-West cultural kind of clash and way of thinking about having a serious relationship/marriage/having children.

You're Scandinavian and they are known for being 'cool' about serious matters in life and again, nothing wrong with that.

Advice2: stay cool; you're still very young and you have a long life ahead of you; enjoy it!

LaoPo

Thanks so much for all of your advices! It was a great help and I feel better and more calm now. Some days have passed so it's easier to think clear now. When we were togehter I couldn't think very clear

*Quote from LaoPo

* you have been "living" together (in Scandinavia I presume) for over a year; or was it "been together", living apart ?

* strange is, that he asked you to buy an apartment and live together; why not buy together ?

* You were not ready yet to buy....so HE buys an apartment and asks you to live together but you "wasn't as eager as him but thought it to be a nice idea"

* He started talking about having children and the week after he broke up.

We have been living apart. Some reasons why I haven't moved together with him is that I'm still a student, without a career or financial security. The decisions that I make now are going to influence the rest of my life. If I stay here on a small city, I have no changes to follow my dream, which is becoming an architect. I should change to another university and live in a bigger city to have career opportunities. As a student without a job it's very difficult (and risky) for me to get a loan from bank to buy apartment. Also I'm concerned about the cultural differences that may occur since I don't have enough information about Thai culture. I'm serious about him and I want to have a family one day, but the day is not yet. There would be too much changes in my life within a short period of time. I could change my career plans or wait for other opportunities, but money and cultural issues made me say this when he suggested buying an apartment: "Let's wait half a year until I graduate..." On my opinion it's not too long time to wait, and it would be financially better for him to wait until I graduate and get a job and then take a loan together. Well, he didn't want to wait...

* I admire him for being in your country for 11 years and able to buy an apartment on his own (but maybe he was born well-off, financially)

* Obviously you are still madly in love with him but you're still -very?- young and not yet mature enough to make a commitment-for-life (nothing wrong with that)

* I think you were right to "take it slowly" but he wished to 'push' you a bit stronger -for a commitment together-.

I'm proud of him because he got a good job after graduating from univeristy, which can be difficult for a foreigner. He's family is not rich but he got a loan easily. I feel he's pressuring me to have commitment but the reason may be that he's afraid I'm not willing to commit... It's true I'm a bit young to make life-long commitment and especially with such a fast schedule.

*Stay put to your decision to take it slow. If he really loves you, he'll be back knocking on your door.

*If he doesn't......he's NOT the love-of-your-life.

*My opinion is that this is a typical East-West cultural kind of clash and way of thinking about having a serious relationship/marriage/having children.

*You're Scandinavian and they are known for being 'cool' about serious matters in life and again, nothing wrong with that.

*Advice2: stay cool; you're still very young and you have a long life ahead of you; enjoy it!

Thanks! I will!

Thanks so much for all of your advices! It was a great help and I feel better and more calm now. Some days have passed so it's easier to think clear now. When we were togehter I couldn't think very clear

*Quote from LaoPo

* you have been "living" together (in Scandinavia I presume) for over a year; or was it "been together", living apart ?

* strange is, that he asked you to buy an apartment and live together; why not buy together ?

* You were not ready yet to buy....so HE buys an apartment and asks you to live together but you "wasn't as eager as him but thought it to be a nice idea"

* He started talking about having children and the week after he broke up.

We have been living apart. Some reasons why I haven't moved together with him is that I'm still a student, without a career or financial security. The decisions that I make now are going to influence the rest of my life. If I stay here on a small city, I have no changes to follow my dream, which is becoming an architect. I should change to another university and live in a bigger city to have career opportunities. As a student without a job it's very difficult (and risky) for me to get a loan from bank to buy apartment. Also I'm concerned about the cultural differences that may occur since I don't have enough information about Thai culture. I'm serious about him and I want to have a family one day, but the day is not yet. There would be too much changes in my life within a short period of time. I could change my career plans or wait for other opportunities, but money and cultural issues made me say this when he suggested buying an apartment: "Let's wait half a year until I graduate..." On my opinion it's not too long time to wait, and it would be financially better for him to wait until I graduate and get a job and then take a loan together. Well, he didn't want to wait...

* I admire him for being in your country for 11 years and able to buy an apartment on his own (but maybe he was born well-off, financially)

* Obviously you are still madly in love with him but you're still -very?- young and not yet mature enough to make a commitment-for-life (nothing wrong with that)

* I think you were right to "take it slowly" but he wished to 'push' you a bit stronger -for a commitment together-.

I'm proud of him because he got a good job after graduating from univeristy, which can be difficult for a foreigner. He's family is not rich but he got a loan easily. I feel he's pressuring me to have commitment but the reason may be that he's afraid I'm not willing to commit... It's true I'm a bit young to make life-long commitment and especially with such a fast schedule.

*Stay put to your decision to take it slow. If he really loves you, he'll be back knocking on your door.

*If he doesn't......he's NOT the love-of-your-life.

*My opinion is that this is a typical East-West cultural kind of clash and way of thinking about having a serious relationship/marriage/having children.

*You're Scandinavian and they are known for being 'cool' about serious matters in life and again, nothing wrong with that.

*Advice2: stay cool; you're still very young and you have a long life ahead of you; enjoy it!

Thanks! I will!

Thanks for your post, Snow White. It gave a lot better insight into your situation and future and boyfriend as well.

You might be young but not stupid and I think you did wise NOT to move in with him yet as you're planning a career and wish to become an architect. Wow!

Moving in with him (at such a young age) would mean you would become 'depending' on him, more or less.

Follow your brain, heart and dream (architect), travel as much as possible and see what the future brings, before committing; but you knew that already.

Good luck to you!

LaoPo

we can all reitierate: thai men that are interested in family/relationships want it now, and want it full time, and want it lock stock and barrel...

most of us i think have the same story: male (now husband) month or so together, marriage is proposed, everythhing goes very quickly and its either, make up your mind or get out....

the 'i need time i need space' thing doesnt seem to be a 'thai' thing... its very either/or.... read some of our other threads about relationships and u will notice the patter.

i guess he cut his losses; and u are young and independant and dont really want house/family/job...

that is my take on it..

bina

I might say this may be an Asian men thing, not just Thai men.

when I was living in Beijing, I dated a Chinese man I met in the very first days I had moved to China, he was fun to be with, he showed me the sites, we went out to movies, even the Pekin Opera.

Then one day out of the blue, 4 or 5 months dating, he got upset at me because I had not mention marriage yet,

when I explained we were just dating, having fun, he promptly broke up with me.

I wasn't upset since I wasn't serious about the relationship,

and it was much better for him to find someone who wanted the same things he did.

I heard he was married the next year.

Oh, by the way, my (Thai) husband and I married 8 months after we met, we both wanted the same thing at the same time.

Oh, by the way, my (Thai) husband and I married 8 months after we met, we both wanted the same thing at the same time.

That's the key, and that is exactly what the OP's situation lacks...which is why the break-up, ad to say, is best for both of them.

Snow White...it was no-one's fault and can't be helped. You and he are just needing and wanting different things at this point in your lives. You are right not to be hurried or pressured into a commitment you are not ready for and to pursue your dreams. And he's right to break off with you given that his dreams right now are to settle down.

Hello again

Hi Snow White,

You are in a good position now to stay away from him. He is a self -centred so and so. When I first read your mail, I thought you were both in Thailand, which is excusable for him. But being in your country for eleven years, he still does not understand the meaning of human rights, then you would have a long term problem if you marry him. I am in Thailand and have seen so many of Thai husbands doing the housewife's chores with delight in helping out. I have never seen one spouse calling another to fetch his telephone for him when he can do it himself. There must be five families I know of which are most united as a family unit than those with a lot of servants. Thai scenario has changed a lot and please don't blame on our culture. The change is due to economi opportunity with both working. So working as a team to make good of the future for your children seems to be the top desire. There is no longer a belief that a woman's role is to serve. Working as a team is a secret tip to a successful marriage. I have been married for thirty years and never have my husband put me in any sub-servient position. He respects my rights as much as I respect his right.

Well, I guess we all have different ideas about what constitutes courtesy in a marriage then.

I often do small things like get my husband a glass of water. It doesn't hurt me and makes him feel cared about. And, amazingly enough, he does the same. If I asked him to get me a glass of water when I could just as easily get it myself he wouldn't look at me and say "Go get it yourself, you self-centered biotch". He'd smile, get up and get me a glass of water.

Marriage, IMHO, is about give and take. Not about who gets what and did he do enough for me to make it worth it for me to do this for him.

But, then everyone's relationship is different.

As my dad says, "You can never know what goes on in another man's head or another man's bed" (or woman's). So, before standing in judgment of someone you don't know, perhaps think that maybe he has a different idea of how to show love and affection than you.