Friday Jokes

[Jamesyboi]

A guy is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worry about getting seasick.

The doctor suggests, ''Eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock.''

The guy replies, ''Would that keep me from getting sick, Doc?''

The doctor says, ''No, but it'll look real pretty in the water.''

Fun things to do at drivethrus

1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and let your passenger order.

2. Ask the price of almost everything on the menu and then order something that you didn't ask the price for.

3. Tell the employee that your window is broken. Order and then pay with your door open. When the food comes, roll down the window and snatch your order from their hands.

4. Go to McDonald's and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.

5. Pay for a large order in small change.

6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you're in.

7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window-shopping and drive on.

8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like any sauce.

9. Ask the cashier how they fit into that little box.

10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.

11. Demand to speak to the manager. When they come on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said, "May I take your order?"

12. When asked if they can take your order say, "Why, can I take yours?"

13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.

14. Pretend your car has broken down. Ask for assistance moving it. When they come out, drive away.

15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.

16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That is all.

17. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.

18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag with all the trash from your car in it.

19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare.

20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.

At a pharmacy, a blonde asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.

"That won't work," countered the woman. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."

What did the dog get when he multiplied 88 x 7?

The wrong answer.

Rednecks

You might be a redneck if you go to your family reunion to meet women.

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.

Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.

"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.

"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.

"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"

These three guys got together one day and were talking about how drunk they got at a party the night before.

The first guy said, ''''Man I was so drunk last night I went home and blew chunks.''''

The second guy said, ''''Man that was nothing I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I got my DWI.''''

The third guy says, "Man that was nothing. I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed.''''

Then the first guy said, ''''No -- you guys don''t understand! Chunks is my dog!"

A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a bitch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."

The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."

He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"

The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"