Sunday Jokes

[Jamesyboi]

Two buddies, Dazza and Pete, are getting very drunk at a bar when

suddenly Dazza throws up all over himself.

"Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me!" Pete says, "Don't worry, mate. Just

tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone

threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually, Dazza stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad

time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God,

you're disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Dazza says,

"Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin! Itsh snot wha jew think. I

only

had a cupla drrrinks, but thiss other guy got ssick on me. He had one

too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry

sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty

bucks."

Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any"

'But I always buy it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist

"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

These are comments made by T.V. presenters

Here are 12 of the finest double-entendres aired on TV & Radio, some

familiar but all the better for being collated into a handy package . .

.

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from

Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl

Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely

horse. I

once rode her mother.'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't

that

nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the

Oxford

crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is

playing

so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and

kisses them ..... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team

Live'

said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have

snowed

and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that

eight

inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the

set,

but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better

today

after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:

'There's

nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.'

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:

'Stephen

Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male

astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: They

seem

cold out there, they're rubbing each other and

he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny

Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes

to use

Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.

[IMA_FARANG]

Two buddies, Dazza and Pete, are getting very drunk at a bar when

suddenly Dazza throws up all over himself.

"Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me!" Pete says, "Don't worry, mate. Just

tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone

threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually, Dazza stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad

time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God,

you're disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Dazza says,

"Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin! Itsh snot wha jew think. I

only

had a cupla drrrinks, but thiss other guy got ssick on me. He had one

too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry

sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty

bucks."

Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any"

'But I always buy it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist

"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

These are comments made by T.V. presenters

Here are 12 of the finest double-entendres aired on TV & Radio, some

familiar but all the better for being collated into a handy package . .

.

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from

Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl

Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely

horse. I

once rode her mother.'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't

that

nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the

Oxford

crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is

playing

so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and

kisses them ..... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team

Live'

said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have

snowed

and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that

eight

inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the

set,

but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better

today

after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:

'There's

nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.'

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:

'Stephen

Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male

astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: They

seem

cold out there, they're rubbing each other and

he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny

Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes

to use

Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.

The actual story:

Quote: 5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is

playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and

kisses them ..... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!'

The real story. Mrs Arnold Palmer (the golfer's wife) appeared on the popular Johnny Carson talk show,

Carson asked her,"Golfers are very superstitous. Do you do anything to make Arnie feel he's going to have good luck?"

"Yes, I do", Ms Palmer replied,"before he goes out I kiss his golf clubs. Sometimes I even grab his balls and kiss them."

"Yeah", said Johnny," I bet that makes his little putter head right for the hole."

Carson was sued by Ms Palmer for that remark.

There was an American football player whose name was Phare Hooker (pronounced as Fair Hooker). A commentater on the game said about that player the following, "I really enjoy coming here to Cincinatti to watch football. You can always be sure your going to have a Phare Hooker (fair hooker) on the field at least once every game."

Edited April 22, 2007 by IMA_FARANG

[Crow Boy]

And one of the great moments in Cricketing commentry

"And the batsman's Holding the bowler's Willy"

CB

[sceadugenga]

And one of the great moments in Cricketing commentry

"And the batsman's Holding the bowler's Willy"

CB