Discontinued allowance

[darksidedog]

Something has come to my attention recently, which I found unpleasant and wanted to see what others think.

Brief background, Farang marries Thai girl, has son, gets divorced and starts a new family with another Thai lady. A very jealous one I might add.

Pays school fees and maintenance and maintains a 10,000 a month allowance after the boy is 18,(50% lower than before) as dad knows he can't earn enough at that age to adequately support himself. Travels from Bangkok once a year for the boys birthday when he is a kid, but as years go by makes excuses more often than not. He steps in when there is a dental or other emergency though.

The lad (now 20) has a girlfriend who lost her job when Covid arrived and his own decent job fell through, but he took whatever he could find working 12 hours a day, 30 days a month to at least bring in 12,000. From grand total 22K house and utilities eat 7K. With  the 10K OK, without very tough.

On the 20th of this month the allowance didn't arrive. Calls and emails went unanswered. With the father living in an area that has seen significant Covid concerns for his welfare were high.

After 4 days the boy gets a message from his grandparents in Europe informing him his father has cut him off, without having the decency to warn him in advance, on the grounds he is lazy and ungrateful. Both of those statements are blatantly untrue, of which I will personally attest.

Anyone working 50% of the hours in a month cannot be called lazy. He has very good manners and always thanks those who answer the phone to talk to him, if not in person. The father never calls his son, mostly doesn't answer the phone or reply to missed calls, messages or emails. Has no idea of his sons situation, yet tells his own parents he is lazy to justify cutting him off. The father is by no means poor by the way. Suspicion is 2nd wife has made him do it.

So, the lad is 20 last month. Old enough many would say to be able to fly the nest and make a life, and if dad always stumps up maybe the bird won't try to fly.

My question is this, and its not about should dad keep helping out an adult child, even though in the midst of a pandemic it's harsh to slash someones money, when options to earn more are low. It is if you are going to cut it, should the father  inform the son of his intentions in advance, or just not send the allowance 3 days before he knows the lads utilities and rent are due, not answer the phone or reply to emails and messages, and get his own parents to tell their grandson the bad news?

Please tell me what you think of someone who could drop their own son in a financial crisis like that and not have the nerve to tell him, to at least give time to prepare, either before, or even after he had done it?

[EVENKEEL]

I would have to ask why the son didn't go to college. Without a proper education the son will never have a decent chance. I couldn't leave my son hanging like that if I had the money.

[CharlieH]

Obviously I dont know the parties concerned nor their respective relationships and circumstances. That said, based purely on what has been detailed here, I would say that this "man" is a spineless coward !

If he truly cared about his son he should talk and explain whaetver concerns or indeed issues he may be facing with his wife over this payment (if any).

He should not simply pull the rug out and bury his head in the sand and get others to explain or deal with it, frankly, thats cruel in my book.

 

This young lad appears to be pulling his weight and deserves better from a parent than to be treated in that way and basically abandoned.

 

IMHO

 

[darksidedog]

2 minutes ago, CharlieH said:

He should not simply pull the rug out and bury his head in the sand and get others to explain or deal with it, frankly, thats cruel in my book.

 

This young lad appears to be pulling his weight and deserves better from a parent than to be treated in that way.

Cruel is exactly the word that came to my mind and I know the parties very well.

I once had a situation where I had a new card from the bank and a couple of monthly payments didn't go through, and I assumed this would be the case here, as everyone thought his dad couldn't be so evil and spineless as to do it without warning. We were all wrong.

He is a nice lad, good manners, fluent in Thai and English, helps everyone, works his butt off and gets kicked in it by his own dad. Unbelievable!

[Lacessit]

Should have given fair warning, by discussing and perhaps reducing the allowance gradually. Cherchez la femme, I bet the new  and jealous Thai wife was in there somewhere.

Times are hard with COVID in terms of employment, being dropped into the doo-doo is ruthless.

I helped my son through university, and with buying a place to live. After that, I said time to look after yourself. He did.

[darksidedog]

10 minutes ago, EVENKEEL said:

I would have to ask why the son didn't go to college.

I think the fairest way to sum that up would be that while he has manners and will graft hard, he was never going to be designing rockets. The mutual recognition of that and a bit of pressure to get a job saw him try to earn his way from just before he was 18.

[EvetsKram]

Should have talked to the kid at least 

[Skallywag]

29 minutes ago, darksidedog said:

From grand total 22K house and utilities eat 7K. With  the 10K OK, without very tough.

I live on 16K a month, (minus entertainment)  Think a 20 year old could also, but of course the girlfriend will need baht. 

Why doesn't his Mother's family help out? 

If the guy is well to do he should help, except obvious now that he is letting his newest wife control him . 

Ahh marriage bliss, maybe he should get busy and find a 3rd Thai wife, or better yet dump his second wife and live as all men should, FREE !!! ???? 

 

Blood relatives should always come first IMO.  Second wives should come second or third

Edited January 24, 2021 by Skallywag

[darksidedog]

Just now, Skallywag said:

Ahh marriage bliss, maybe he should get busy and find a 3rd Thai wife, or better yet dump his second wife and live as all men should, FREE !!! ???? 

Having been there twice myself, I assure you I am in no rush to take on number 3, even if it is supposed to be a lucky number. 

Totally agree, look after family, never dump on them, especially if you can't even admit to your actions. If you can't acknowledge what you have done, you have to ask if your actions are truly not shameful, why you can't do so?

[OneMoreFarang]

I think the problem with stories like this is that we just don't know many details.

Maybe many years ago the father made it 100% clear that with 20 any payments will stop.

Maybe something else was going on. Who knows?

 

I would guess when the father supported his son for so long then likely (hopefully) he thought about before he stopped paying. Maybe he had a reason, maybe even a reasonable reason. Maybe he didn't have a good reason and had just a bad day. Or whatever. 

 

Summary: We don't know and everything is just speculation.

[talahtnut]

The son should take priority over the new wife, blood thicker than water etc.

I look at my Thai son 22 as an investment.

My English son is 41, and I still look after him, but he will always helps me out,

yesterday he popped a new gearbox in my old G wagon yesterday, saved me £2000.

Money supporting kids is better than money rotting in the bank. Wives come and go.

[Dumbastheycome]

54 minutes ago, talahtnut said:

The son should take priority over the new wife, blood thicker than water etc.

I look at my Thai son 22 as an investment.

My English son is 41, and I still look after him, but he will always helps me out,

yesterday he popped a new gearbox in my old G wagon yesterday, saved me £2000.

Money supporting kids is better than money rotting in the bank. Wives come and go.

IMO that is  a very depressing thing to state !

Investing in the  potential of offspring is  one thing  but then  to acclaim the  selfish advantage ?

I have  six children from  3 marriages. Two are  step children  but despite  divorce of  mother  I and they  still consider  me as  a caring  parent  and  yet have  never  asked me for  extended  support  because they are aware of the fact they  are already of independent  age  and self responsibility and take it !

Blood thicker than  water? Wives  come  and  go? Not  husbands? Or  is that  ok? Children are  evaluated  in terms  of   self advantage ?

And of  course it remains a mystery as to  why so many  children once achieving an age of independence (or now so often many years  before) give their parents   the "big  Flip"!....Not !

 

 

[talahtnut]

1 hour ago, Dumbastheycome said:

IMO that is  a very depressing thing to state !

Sad that you think in that way, none of my family is depressed, I gave my Benz SL to

my son and even paid my Ex's credit card bill off. Nobody suffers here matey.

[Dumbastheycome]

20 hours ago, talahtnut said:

Sad that you think in that way, none of my family is depressed, I gave my Benz SL to

my son and even paid my Ex's credit card bill off. Nobody suffers here matey.

Ah!   Were it only that such personal chivalry be so affordable to the majority !

[TheFishman1]

There are always two sides to a slice of bacon we’ve heard one side but not the other so it’s very difficult to really say TIT

[Timwin]

Well, 20 is plenty and probably father has also financial difficulties during these times. 22K for house is affluent upper middle class. He could live in a 5K apartment instead like tens of millions of Thais do. 

[1FinickyOne]

As others say, don't know the other side of this, but some/many people have problems w/a confrontational conversation... at least he passed it htrough the grandparents...

 

my father used to make promises and renege on them all the time.. it wasn't helpful. But after a while, I learned not to rely on him. That was just who he was.. 

 

Maybe more heartless than cruel... but likely the Thai wife put pressure too... life gets complicated. 

[DeeMak9]

The guy is 20. Im sorry. I stopped getting pocket money at 12 y.o. and starting making my own at any possible way. Something with teaching how to fish....

[sherwood]

Never had pocket money as a kid. Was working and living away from home at the age of 17. Toughen up.

Wife has not worked for seven years and I have paid the bills for her and my daughter but the gravey train has left the station.

She has a house, farm land and two younger sisters ( which I helped through school ) to help with the family. When is enough, enough.

 

Never understood this allowence caper.
 

[GreasyFingers]

I probably should not reply to this topic as I have never fathered a child but inherited 10 through various marriages, so it is easy to give them away even though expensive at the time (still have two to worry about). At 20 yo it would be good to think he can look after himself but when I was 20 and basically independent there were times when I needed to rely on my parents, and Iived in an easier country than Thailand.

To cut out the support is a very big decision unless the father has money issues himself which he should explain to the son. If it is the new wife it is easy to understand her thinking but he is the man, father, so no question of what he should do if his son really needs support.

[Caldera]

I think any father who only comes to see his son for his birthday (and then ends up making excuses to avoid even that) is a total disgrace and a failure as a parent.

 

While an honorable man might see it fit to divorce his wife (there are legitimate reasons and I don't know if any apply here), there's no such thing with children.

 

With that said, I won't even comment on the way he cut him off.

 

Edited January 27, 2021 by Caldera

[digger70]

On 1/24/2021 at 6:45 PM, darksidedog said:

The lad (now 20) has a girlfriend who lost her job when Covid arrived and his own decent job fell through, but he took whatever he could find working 12 hours a day, 30 days a month to at least bring in 12,000. From grand total 22K house and utilities eat 7K. With  the 10K OK, without very tough.

We all had some difficult times and have to make sacrifices and difficult decisions.

They've been depending on the Handout now it has stopped they are in trouble .

What about his partners/wives Parents ? 

They haven't been mentioned  .They maybe are able to help if they are that badly in need. 

 

[Dene16]

12 hours ago, sherwood said:

Never had pocket money as a kid. Was working and living away from home at the age of 17. Toughen up.

Wife has not worked for seven years and I have paid the bills for her and my daughter but the gravey train has left the station.

She has a house, farm land and two younger sisters ( which I helped through school ) to help with the family. When is enough, enough.

 

Never understood this allowence caper.

 

So she doesn't need an allowance because you provide everything she asks you for ? looks to me like she gets a better allowance then most and the gravy train is still full steam ahead.  Maybe that was your point?

In the UK 20% of children are still living at home between the ages of 25-40, not out of choice but necessity but are still better off then kids here

Thailand by it's very nature is much harder in every sense (minimum 6 day week, living in <deleted> conditions while working in Bangkok. sending money back to aging parents/grandparents leaving them with very little.

The kid is working his socks off (for very little income) trying to keep afloat and you seem to think that he needs to toughen up because your life was so much harder.It's possible that's true but highly unlikely

He had come to rely on the income sent to him as anyone else would regardless of where and how they live.

[bwpage3]

I will support my own son until the day I die, whenever he needs my help.

I also financially support my wife's family every year.

I won't stand by and watch anyone in our family suffer.

Family is more important than money to me.

 

[timkeen08]

Allowance?  What the heck is that?

[sherwood]

6 hours ago, Dene16 said:

 

So she doesn't need an allowance because you provide everything she asks you for ? looks to me like she gets a better allowance then most and the gravy train is still full steam ahead.  Maybe that was your point?

In the UK 20% of children are still living at home between the ages of 25-40, not out of choice but necessity but are still better off then kids here

Thailand by it's very nature is much harder in every sense (minimum 6 day week, living in <deleted> conditions while working in Bangkok. sending money back to aging parents/grandparents leaving them with very little.

The kid is working his socks off (for very little income) trying to keep afloat and you seem to think that he needs to toughen up because your life was so much harder.It's possible that's true but highly unlikely

He had come to rely on the income sent to him as anyone else would regardless of where and how they live.

No the wife works 5 or 6 days a week, in a brick yard and I never ask her for money.

Sure I pay for 3BB, elect, school, bus to school and food. Sets me back around 7k baht a month all up.

I just think that to rely on someone else to pay your way is not the best way to manage your life.

 

My family has the infrastructure to develop, after my imput from a lifetime of working. It's now up to them to move ahead. I just stay home and do the housework.

Good luck mate

[MarleyMarl]

It's not a nice time to lose an income source unexpectedly, and as others have said it's only one side of the story, but I think in the long run it's better. How can you become independent and build / work your way to creating your own wealth if you're a 20 year old man still sucking off the teat?

 

I can only compare to my own personal experiences, but I never had an allowance, been working since I was in high school, and my younger brother who is 23 is the same. He lives at home still, but he pays board, and has to pay his own way for other things.

Edited January 28, 2021 by MarleyMarl

[bermondburi]

Seems like the OP is just looking for confirmation of his own opinions going on what he said. 

 

As others have said, there's 2 sides to every story, only one of which we know here.