Sister-in-law, Unwanted Pregnancy

[Johpa]

My 17 year-old Thai sister-in-law is 7 months pregnant. The guy is not willing to take any responsibility. She was supposed to be coming to stay with us whilst studying Law at Khon Kaen university. I used to think she were a clever girl. Seems such a waste for an intelligent, extremely beautiful young girl.

My wife is furious but obviously wants to do the best thing for all concerned. In another way she seems happy that a new baby is coming.

I suggested giving the kid away, but they didn't like that idea.

My father-in-law(ex-army) is furious and everyone is scared of what he will do.

My wife is wanting to go back to her home town and confront the schoolboy.

Any suggestions as what to do?

Should I offer to look after the kid?

I am surprised this is much of an issue. In the rural villages this is a rather common situation and normally the parents of the lass or the eldest sister of the lass would become the primary providers of the child without a second thought. For such a child not to be offered to be raised by grandparents (taa yai) or by the elder aunt (paa) would be rather unusual. On the other hand, one of my son's best friend's and a kid I have known since his birth, at the ripe old age of 17, was recently pressured by the village to marry a neighboring 13 year old who had become pregnant. However, it is not unusual for the young father and his family to absolve themselves of any responsibility if the girl is of a lower social class and the resulting marriage would be a loss of face.

[November Rain]

Neeranam,

You know what a huge decision this is & you have to think of your own immediate family first, but I'd like to share my (shortened) story, if I may.

Nearly 4 years ago, my BF asked to move in permanently with me & bring his 2 year old son. I had never wanted kids & never had any, even when I was married. Also, the little boy hated me. I really didn't want to do it, but he was at risk where he was living. He wasn't being cared for properly where my BF was living & had fallen downstairs getting a cut on his eye needing stitches. So, I made a split second decision to say "yes".

We had some really tough times in the beginning, but it worked. Sadly, my BF died a year ago. His little boy is nearly 6 now. He lives with me, calls me "mummy", speaks fluent English & Thai and he is the most precious thing in my life. I do not for one second regret taking him in. Now, my battle is to keep him with me, rather than let him go to a home. You can love a child, who is not biologically yours, with all of your being. Even if you didn't want them at first. I know, because that's me.

[blizzard]

one problem i see for this gentleman is that all future problems will be his.......lol.

sorry but being the good farang in the village might not be such a good thing. always cleaning up after people take a dump...lol.

everyone wants to be adored by the village people but it comes at a price. they except you to put up(usually dosh i presume).

Edited May 20, 2007 by blizzard

[kmart]

one problem i see for this gentleman is that all future problems will be his.......lol.

sorry but being the good farang in the village might not be such a good thing. always cleaning up after people take a dump...lol.

everyone wants to be adored by the village people but it comes at a price. they except you to put up(usually dosh i presume).

lol, really helpful and full of insight, aren't you. lol. lol. lol.

[blizzard]

this is responsible guy so we know he will do right thing. he will get a big shovel as his wife family seems to takes big dumps.

[GuestHouse]

GH, I am surprised of your analysis. At 17 many girls, even in the west, get pregnant because of ignorance, lack of education, lack of family support, etc. In developed countries they have everything, education, information, support and wealth, and even so there are so many 17 years old pregnant.

The sad matter is that we cannot say the same for the man....he got the girl pregnant. game over....he can escape with pregnancy while the girl cannot...this is one of the worse aspect of male unaccountability.

They should cut the balls of all those b%$%* who do not assume responsibility....there is nothing more brutal and violent in this world than abandoned children...and most times are man who do it

I agree with everything you say, and that is why I say 'Game Over'.

As has been noted above, this is a common everyday experience throughout Thailand, something Thais families can deal with and usually do deal with. One option is addressing this with the father of the child (and his family) the other, perhaps more common is getting grandparents to look after the child while the mother goes out to work to provide the income.

I can see the attraction of getting a, presumably rich, relative to look after the child while the mother goes off to get and education, career or what ever she wants in life.

I personally would not get involved with that, unless it was an absolute necessity.

I have endless admiration of people who adopt children, my father was adopted within his own family and my own parents fostered three children when their parents died in a car accident.

But I don't see in this case that adoption is necessary, it might be desirable, but not an absolute necessity.

I also note what you say about welfare etc in the west. I take the view that welfare (the abdication of personal responsibility to the state) is a direct cause of teenage pregnancy and host of other problems the west is facing.

I believe it is this issue of personal responsibility that is at the heart of the OP's question.

It might be desirable to provide the mother to be with the opportunity to go on with her live and education, likewise to let the father off the hook by assuming he will not take responsibility for his actions, nor might not be made to do so.

But I don't see that 'opportunities in life' are of any value without 'responsibilities in life'.

If we accept that, then it is clear that helping the mother/father take on their responsibilities is no less desirable and perhaps very much more so than helping the mother get her education, and coincidentally helping the father dump his responsibility.

Adopting a child when there is no alternative is one thing, letting people off the hook because oportunities are more attractive than responsbilities is quite something else.

Remember..

The road to hel_l is paved with good intentions.

Edited May 20, 2007 by GuestHouse

[SiamSquare123]

she is 17 years old and is going to study law? is she really going to be a lawyer? if you decide to adopt this kid, and then in three years she decides that what she really wants is to marry a farang like her big sister - how are you going to feel?

people jumping in here and saying to adopt the kid like its a puppy are insane.

[t.s]

I really don't think I could love another's child like my own. If another baby took anything away from my own two daughters, I'd find it very hard not to bear a grudge.

then why suggest it? you already have your answer.

as for abortion, it is illegal in thailand. but many things are illegal here. As with prostitutes, practioners exist at many different levels of professionalsm and comptency. there are safe options.

If she were a western 17 yr old i think abortion would be a viable solution. seeing as she isn't i think it is far less likely an option.

its a trade off really, by chosing the abortion she isn't really getting off easy, she is just getting off quickly. (no innuendo intended)

Edited May 20, 2007 by t.s

[SiamSquare123]

isnt an abortion at 7 months very much unethical, and perhaps unsafe? if she is gonna get an abortion, cant she wait 2 months more and give it away?

[t.s]

isnt an abortion at 7 months very much unethical, and perhaps unsafe? if she is gonna get an abortion, cant she wait 2 months more and give it away?

aye, my bad, missed the 7 months thing.

agreed, but adoption looks better on paper here than the reality.

[mpdkorat]

My 17 year-old Thai sister-in-law is 7 months pregnant. The guy is not willing to take any responsibility. She was supposed to be coming to stay with us whilst studying Law at Khon Kaen university. I used to think she were a clever girl. Seems such a waste for an intelligent, extremely beautiful young girl.

My wife is furious but obviously wants to do the best thing for all concerned. In another way she seems happy that a new baby is coming.

I suggested giving the kid away, but they didn't like that idea.

My father-in-law(ex-army) is furious and everyone is scared of what he will do.

My wife is wanting to go back to her home town and confront the schoolboy.

Any suggestions as what to do?

Should I offer to look after the kid?

I have not read the answers to this thread, but if she is 17 you have redress in law.

I think you know this already? If the father is older that will make it easier too. That will be a lever to get money out of the family to help support the child. If she was studying law that helps too, she has a higher standing. With regards to the child just enjoy him/her and collectively as a family take care of him/her. If you are unable to extract money from the fathers family, it does not really matter. But get the mother back to uni ASAP.

[blizzard]

i dont think money the issue here. he got mak mak.

he got to kids that are his.

he dont one as a result of 2 horny teenagers. nothing tragic has happened to either one, they should take the kid. i think this his view even though he better get accustoimed to thai view.

Edited May 20, 2007 by blizzard

[torito]

GH, I am surprised of your analysis. At 17 many girls, even in the west, get pregnant because of ignorance, lack of education, lack of family support, etc. In developed countries they have everything, education, information, support and wealth, and even so there are so many 17 years old pregnant.

The sad matter is that we cannot say the same for the man....he got the girl pregnant. game over....he can escape with pregnancy while the girl cannot...this is one of the worse aspect of male unaccountability.

They should cut the balls of all those b%$%* who do not assume responsibility....there is nothing more brutal and violent in this world than abandoned children...and most times are man who do it

....

I believe it is this issue of personal responsibility that is at the heart of the OP's question.

It might be desirable to provide the mother to be with the opportunity to go on with her live and education, likewise to let the father off the hook by assuming he will not take responsibility for his actions, nor might not be made to do so.

But I don't see that 'opportunities in life' are of any value without 'responsibilities in life'.

I personally insist that this aspect of young pregnancy is a social issue consequence of bad education, ignorance (even if the girl is in the university) lack of family support and care, abandone and other factors hard to manage for a young 16-17 years old. My parallel with developed countries is that I believe that they at least have education, lots of information and support organizations and still the issue occurs.

I was surprise with your points becuase I read it as too cold and without arguments, which is something very out of character.

I cannot be less agreed with you with that ideal outcome should deal with oppotunities and responsibility. Adoption is a nice thing to do, but it does not necessarely resolve the issue...she may be pregnant again....

[SiamSquare123]

jeez

"young pregnancy is a social issue consequence of bad education, ignorance (even if the girl is in the university) lack of family support and care, abandone and other factors hard to manage for a young 16-17 years old. "

its called being young. its a very easy mistake to make.

[viciouskitty74]

I wonder....

how much to pay someone to go break that boy's legs?

[TokyoT]

If she chooses abortion. Whats the chances for her to fly to another country to have the procedures done? Is there any laws and regulations prohibiting that?

Edit:

And opps....I was not focusing my attention. The gal is already 7 months pregnant so there is no hope for an abortion. But if the pregnancy was discovered earlier, and choosing to abort. Is it possible?

In this particular case abortion is no longer an option – the lass is already 7 months on. As is the case many times when the rather young end up pregnant they wait too long to seek advice/ assistance (out of fear).

While abortion is technically illegal in Thailand – so it prostitution - both are still available So there is no need to fly the person to another country if this is the road they choose to take. There are safe abortion options available in Thailand.

In relation to the OP, offering to help is a slippery slope. And probably best to avoid a direct offer of assistance unless you are very specific in what you are offering. Simply letting them know that you will give a hand will probably end up with you and the wife as defacto parents for the new one. On the flip side if you for example offer to pay for the hospital bill, or once the baby has arrived simply buy formula, clothes, etc. These are more specific and directed measures of assistance that are not as open to family interpretations of an open invitation to help out.

Offering to take care of a child is a huge responsibility and not one that should be taken lightly – IMHO. My feeling is that in this particular case the best alternative might be to make sure help is given in regard to providing care for the child while still giving the mother a chance to go to school.

Good luck

[retiredusn]

I would offer to take care of the baby. That would mean after the birth she can get on with her Law studies and continue to a productive life.

I would go along with this as well. Once she gets the college done she can give a good life to the child, but she will need help, at lot of help. So, I would say it would be easier to just step and take of the child. If you have the means to that is.

Assuming that the persons taking full-time care of the child don't have "productive lives" and other things to do also?

A big commitment for sure.

Take the girl and leave her at the boys house until the baby is born then leave the baby there. She does not deserve help with anything, thats the problem with teens they know someone else will take care of everything.

[PeaceBlondie]

It happened to us, twice: pregnant teenage daughters. First one was age 17, very clever, very responsible. We all agreed abortion and adoption were out of the question, and both families agreed marriage would be premature. My daughter got full scholarship, BA, then a master's, and her boyfriend has spent the last 22 years taking care of all three children while Mama teaches school! The second time, one of the twin girls was 15 or 16, and the kids got married before the baby was born. They also are the happily married parents of three children now.

The girl in the opening post is still a clever, smart, intelligent girl who needs her education. The baby can be raised by the family(s), somehow. Maybe the boy and his family can help. I'd like to think I helped originally in our first and second case. As soon as I saw the boy who had impregnated my daughter, I told him that I loved him, and I hugged him and welcomed him into the family.

[blizzard]

if one chooses to break the boys legs, as kiitty says, what part of girl you going to break.

this was not a rape situation.

the girl apparently said cum on in guy!

[PeaceBlondie]

if one chooses to break the boys legs, as kiitty says, what part of girl you going to break.

this was not a rape situation.

the girl apparently said cum on in guy!

blizzard, this is no laughing matter.

[blizzard]

I wonder....

how much to pay someone to go break that boy's legs?

huh? breaking things wasnt my idea of a good solution. my comments were aimed at miss kitty, not op.

Edited May 21, 2007 by blizzard

[Prakanong]

"The girl in the opening post is still a clever, smart, intelligent girl who needs her education. The baby can be raised by the family(s), somehow"

Exactly - it will be better supporting her now while she gets her law degree then hopefully a good job afterwards.

Telling her to go away and get a 4000THB a month job to support the baby is just pushing her towards a dead end.

She is only bloody 17 - it should not mean her life is over and she is condemned to a life of poverty by giving up a chance to go to Uni now.

[blizzard]

r u guys nuts?

why cant she go uni, ramkhaengheng is fine insttution i hear, and get a job. she made life harder by trying to be grownup when she only a kid. theres a price to pay for that.

oh i forget their is wealthy farang in family, never mind.

[qwertz]

r u guys nuts?

why cant she go uni, ramkhaengheng is fine insttution i hear, and get a job. she made life harder by trying to be grownup when she only a kid. theres a price to pay for that.

oh i forget their is wealthy farang in family, never mind.

I think it would be a tall order and too late now to expect the girl to develop a sense of responsibility and go on to complete studies as has been suggested by several BMs.

This is Thailand, you don't get paid to study there and there's no safety net apart from family.

It's also unlikely that the boy's family will regard it as more than a minor problem; from my experience there, men have much more freedom than women to walk away from their responsibilities.

IMO, there's only one deserving party in all this and that's the unborn child.

The girl probably won't want it after she finds what a burden it's going to be.

In the OP's place, if I had a good steady marriage I would adopt and have done with it.

Any other alternative would be costly, troublesome and perhaps not in the best interests of the child.

[a2396]

This is a "broken record" story in LOS. Firstly, it is sad they did not have the foresight to prevent the pregnancy. Secondly, as per usual, the Thai guy skates off scott free. For one,Thailand needs to modernise the laws re: abortion, even though such might be offensive to many. They also need to have some legal mechanism for parential responsibility on the part of the Father. I assume there is no such legal remedy now?? As for adoption- would you want to be an adopted kid in Thailand or any other country for that matter?? The likely course of events will be for the child to be cared for by Grandmother or someone in the immediate family, if the girl wants to continue her education. Or else, she can sell herself off to a Farang - now or later, as countless woman have done before her.

[blizzard]

so a 926 you saying one option is for girl to become a pleasure woman.

like the mod insinuated this is a serious situation.

please be serious.

[viciouskitty74]

I wonder....

how much to pay someone to go break that boy's legs?

huh? breaking things wasnt my idea of a good solution. my comments were aimed at miss kitty, not op.

peace peaceblondie.

Well, I am still asking. How much it cost to break someone's legs?

[Aujuba]

I would recommend an abortion if she had just gotten pregnant. If she is too far along well than maybe you could raise it with her. You could hire a nanny to help you at home for not too much. It's a problem but not the end of the world.

As for the general problem of unwanted children, abortion should be legal. The government should be encouraging people not to have kids. half of the world's problems could be solved if the world's population went down. For some reason governments mouths are taped about this. Only China has made an effort to address the population issue. I think it all has to do with Capitalism's imperfection more than just Religion. Anyways we should all care about each other a lot more. If we don't care as we are doing we can expect more war and more problems in the world. Population is the number one problem.

[DrFisher]

Just an observation I have seen many cases like this in Thailand and generally the child is shared by the family caring for attending to needs. My wife and I have a daughter, who actually is a cousins child but the mother and father were killed in an auto accident and the grandmother was to old to care for her. My mother-in-law took care of the child for 4 years until my wife and I moved to Thailand permanently now she is with us permanently. Not that we would ever even think of shipping her off but if we did she would go to the next family members. This seems to be common practice from my experience.

[bina]

if u are rural, then dr. fisher's scenario is probably what will happen. if the boy's parents can take care of the baby and give a good life, that is one possibility if the girl is willing. if the girl wants 'her' family to deal, then it will probably be grandparents and/or your family, whomever has the economic/emotional means of providing good life... the child is still the girl's child, and legal adoption seems to be complicated in thailand from other threads ive read. i also noticed that most thai prefer to 'adopt' only from within the family. too bad families in west dont see extended family as safety net. although not a western model of family caretaking, it seems to me an impovement over orphanages, outside adoption and outside fostering. staying within the extended family provides her with what she needs, and u, being a real outsider, can help the girl maintain good ties with the baby but continue on in her life until she can fully take care of her baby, if the girl in question is able to.

my own youngest daughter was raised almost entirely by my brother in law and his family living next door to me (except for sleeping at my house, and legal medical/schooling decisions) for about three years between ages 9-12 , due to my very long work hours, divorce, her father not sure how to deal with her etc.

she is back in my house now, and for sure i am her main person but i found it was very good for us that i had this oppurtunity of having close family as caretakers instead of unknown babysitters etc. grandmother and uncle are still very much her family: she eats many if not most meals with them, they take her on almost all family trips including overseas (with my ex and my permission)and provide a huge emotional safety net for her.

the big question is how willing are u to be the emotional and financial safety net of the child and the mother. my brother in law acted with his whole heart and in the end, his four youngest children see my daughter as their big sister, and is now the safety net for them when the parents need a babysitter or mother's helper (the children refuse to be with anyone not from the family) so a good win/win situation for all concerned if not a very 'western' one (as my mother points out all the time).

good luck

bina