Give Me Money... Give Me More!

[meemiathai]

I've given a decent amount of money to my in laws and never felt like I was taken advantage of. I've built them a home and pay for her sister's kids school expenses. She has a large family and all have the ability to support themselves. I make a point never to give money unless I feel it will better their situation. It is my money so I decide what is important.

One of her sisters likes to gamble and continuously asks to borrow money. I've never given her anything, unless she is working, and even then I've only given very little. In the long run, I think it would only hurt her. Handouts rarely work; the US welfare system has done nothing to help the poor.

The house her family owned was a dump and was void of the basic facilities. Their new home isn't extravagant, but it meets their needs. Everyday I feel good about her sister's kids coming home to a home they are proud to have.

It's a little selfish, but feeling good about myself is probably the reason I help financially. The key is not to send money with the blind faith it will improve the in laws' life. If you give them 40k baht and six months later they have nothing to show for it, why do it.

This is what I do!

[chinthee]

My friend put herself through university by stripping. We talked about her job sometimes. She said that guys looked down on her for being a stripper, while they kept paying for dances. But doesn't it say something interesting about how these men viewed their own sexual desire? How much respect can you have for your own sexuality if you think it makes someone less than human to give you what you want?

I would like to expand on this but due to forum rules.....

I am very happy to see such understanding people like you. Your thai boy friend has won a lottery!

Take good care of yourself! You are precious!

Woo! At the moment I don't have a boyfriend, Thai or otherwise, but I'll be sure to let him know once he arrives on the scene that he "has won a lottery!"

I hope you weren't being sarcastic, but hey, whatever.

No I wasn't being sarcastic at all! I meant it!

I looked back into the ladies forum and realized I have misunderstood you for being CanadianGirl2 who said she had problems with her thai bf's parents.

Gee, I thought they were the same too. Are you the one who likes Morlam and Jok? I was thinking you were the one with the BKK Thai boyfriend probs with the racist parents.

P.S. I guess that explains why you were asking me for the good jok places in BKK instead of your boyfriend. I was scratching my head on that one.

Edited August 18, 2007 by chinthee

[Krub]

I've given a decent amount of money to my in laws and never felt like I was taken advantage of. I've built them a home and pay for her sister's kids school expenses. She has a large family and all have the ability to support themselves. I make a point never to give money unless I feel it will better their situation. It is my money so I decide what is important.

One of her sisters likes to gamble and continuously asks to borrow money. I've never given her anything, unless she is working, and even then I've only given very little. In the long run, I think it would only hurt her. Handouts rarely work; the US welfare system has done nothing to help the poor.

The house her family owned was a dump and was void of the basic facilities. Their new home isn't extravagant, but it meets their needs. Everyday I feel good about her sister's kids coming home to a home they are proud to have.

It's a little selfish, but feeling good about myself is probably the reason I help financially. The key is not to send money with the blind faith it will improve the in laws' life. If you give them 40k baht and six months later they have nothing to show for it, why do it.

This is what I do!

Seconded

[kuma]

an excellent idea - great post

No matter which social class you marry into, the chances are you will be asked outright for money or asked to enter into a "risk free, sure deal". I would like to know what you say or do and how successful you are with your approach.

Before I married my Thai wife this same question came up for me. The answer that worked for me was on the forum. We have a $1,000.00 borrowing fund. Any Thai family member can borrow from it. The amount of the available loan is equal to the fund balance. So a $1,000.00 loan can be had if all previous loans have been paid back. If not, then one has to be satisfied with the present balance. Family members catch on to helping others remember to repay their loan. This method has been working very well for the past three years.

[qwertz]

When my daughter reached 18 and went to live her own life, I gave her a bankbook with 1,000 pounds in it, all I could afford at that time.

It was apparently enough for her to get started as she rarely asked for help afterwards.

If I married a Thai, I think I'd do the same for her parents and only the parents.

That way at least I'd get an insight into how they handle a gift of money.

BTW, if they came around knocking before this gesture, I'd give them zilch.

[gina]

No matter which social class you marry into, the chances are you will be asked outright for money or asked to enter into a "risk free, sure deal". I would like to know what you say or do and how successful you are with your approach.

Why is money so big a issue in Thailand?

[rafval]

No matter which social class you marry into, the chances are you will be asked outright for money or asked to enter into a "risk free, sure deal". I would like to know what you say or do and how successful you are with your approach.

Why is money so big a issue in Thailand?

I think because when you grow up in poverty short time thinking works best, you dont have a secure way to save and you need food etc now, but when latter in life they may have some money they cant change their thinking to long term so the money is spent on disposables instead of being invested, so they are totally dependent on basically begging and stealing where ever they can

[Texpat]

Just say No.

[teacup]

The problem is that many farangs here were digging their own grave with their own shovel at the beginning when they GIVE GIVE GIVE without any reasonable justifications.

NOW they’re learning the consequence of their own doing in a hard way.

Once GIVE now it’s so difficult to SWAT them away, coz it has became a habbit for them to GIVE ME-GIVE ME- GIVE MEEEEEEEE

WHO should you blame here.....duh duh

[JohnC]

Main reason why I refused to "wedding me" with my partner, also told them from day one I will support them and them only and have always refused requests from their family. I am not popular with the family but my partner is happy to be looked after. Not my job to support hangers on, take it or leave it.

[Lancelot]

The problem is that many farangs here were digging their own grave with their own shovel at the beginning when they GIVE GIVE GIVE without any reasonable justifications.

NOW they’re learning the consequence of their own doing in a hard way.

Once GIVE now it’s so difficult to SWAT them away, coz it has became a habbit for them to GIVE ME-GIVE ME- GIVE MEEEEEEEE

WHO should you blame here.....duh duh

Sometimes the truth hurts and yes, I would agree that foreigners have brought the double pricing and money hand outs on ourselves. Most asians are very pragmatic and once they discovered that some foreigners were easily parted with their money, well, here we are

[Texpat]

I made it very clear to my wife that I was marrying her, not her family.

No sinsot, no loans, no grants, no questions.

They know better than to ask. They know the answer.

That doesn't mean you can't be generous at their weddings and graduations, buy a few rounds of drinks or take them to dinner occasionally -- on your terms.

Edited May 26, 2009 by Texpat

[Lancelot]

Main reason why I refused to "wedding me" with my partner, also told them from day one I will support them and them only and have always refused requests from their family. I am not popular with the family but my partner is happy to be looked after. Not my job to support hangers on, take it or leave it.

Yes, maybe you are not "jai dee farng" (sucker) but I bet they have a grudging respect for you. No one respects a fool.

[patklang]

I have honestly never been asked for anything and my wife and I have received large cash gifts from her mother.

Ditto on the gifts. Thrifty working-class family, worked very hard to put their two kids through college, Mom-In-Law bought my wife a very nice used Volvo last year from profits made working two veg. stalls in a local market. The wife doesn't drive, so I have a second car now thanks to them. One more thing. They live within walking distance, yet I cannot recall the last time they came in the house. Couldn't ask for better in-laws.

My gf family just the same,these people bought me a helicopter so we could visit much quicker,how nice is that????

Problem is i cant drive a helicopter!!!!!

[Tigerman1]

In my opinion and life married to a Thai for 10 years I started as I meant to continue.

I never paid a dowry and I do not give money for the mother, brother or buffalo to live.

They can get off of their <deleted> and work the same as I have to do in the UK. It is no free ride.

I give the mother £50 at Christmas and on her birthday but that it is. I hear the usual stories of they have no money etc. etc. (boring) but I give zero. I basically told my wife that this would be the case and she accepted it. She works and wants to sent money to her family but I then said ok, you can send what you want from you salary but I will want 50% of all bills, mortgage, etc. etc. to help me pay and then she can send the rest back - the outcome - 50% of the household living expenses are more than she earns from her part time job and over time it sunk in that we need to live here before we start giving handouts. Maybe if I have money in the future we can help but for now my roof need to stay over my families head.

So, my answer is say no money from the outset and set out your stall then. If they don't like it or you gf/wife doesn't agree then it is the age old question of what does she want you for - life or your pocket? You wouldn'y do this in yor country so why do it in Thailand?

You decide.

[oldsparrow]

If you don't have budget ot spare, don't give. They may gossip on you but nevermind.

You may feel that it's extended family but in fact the preent Thai family is much more independent than it used to be. Your life partner should concern more of your immidiately family more than all of her relatives. Of course the parents are important then the siblings. However, the bad bro or sis ie. gamble addicts don't have much ight ot demand nowaday.

There are also too many cases that in all Thai family, a member rip off all other members or dry up the family commom saving. It's a bad sample for Thais too.

And if you give to one inlaw you suppose to give to all other of equal status equally. If you are not ready to do this, give to no one unless it's the real emergency.

PS: It will be nice if you observe some tradition ie. give a gife to in law's new born baby etc.

Edited May 26, 2009 by oldsparrow

[Chaimai]

In my opinion and life married to a Thai for 10 years I started as I meant to continue.

I never paid a dowry and I do not give money for the mother, brother or buffalo to live.

They can get off of their <deleted> and work the same as I have to do in the UK. It is no free ride.

I give the mother £50 at Christmas and on her birthday but that it is. I hear the usual stories of they have no money etc. etc. (boring) but I give zero. I basically told my wife that this would be the case and she accepted it. She works and wants to sent money to her family but I then said ok, you can send what you want from you salary but I will want 50% of all bills, mortgage, etc. etc. to help me pay and then she can send the rest back - the outcome - 50% of the household living expenses are more than she earns from her part time job and over time it sunk in that we need to live here before we start giving handouts. Maybe if I have money in the future we can help but for now my roof need to stay over my families head.

So, my answer is say no money from the outset and set out your stall then. If they don't like it or you gf/wife doesn't agree then it is the age old question of what does she want you for - life or your pocket? You wouldn'y do this in yor country so why do it in Thailand?

You decide.

Your wife must feel that she is very lucky to have you.

[Chaimai]

The problem is that many farangs here were digging their own grave with their own shovel at the beginning when they GIVE GIVE GIVE without any reasonable justifications.

NOW they're learning the consequence of their own doing in a hard way.

Once GIVE now it's so difficult to SWAT them away, coz it has became a habbit for them to GIVE ME-GIVE ME- GIVE MEEEEEEEE

WHO should you blame here.....duh duh

It is not helped by articles like the one in a Thai ladies magazine last month where the Swiss (I think) Chief Executive a large company has given his new found Isaan girlfriend 4 Goldcards, a car and a house.

That raises the bar straight away and sets a new level of expectation in some girls

[sassienie]

Give Me Money... Give Me More!, How do you deal with requests for money from the in-laws?

[thaimate]

its never ever been a problem with my in laws ,when i need a loan they have always obliged.

[Pierrot]

its never ever been a problem with my in laws ,when i need a loan they have always obliged.

Same here. We have a mortgage in Bangkok and employ a couple of people here too, but we are living most of the time abroad,so we usually ask my wife's sister or brother to pay first and we pay them back the next time we come back to Thailand. Never have any problem. Actually it could be a good idea to meet the family before committing.

[Texpat]

Is it just my experience -- or is it always a certain farang demographic that gets sucked into the divorced/never married bar skag with a litter of sprogs requiring new strollers and hospital bills and sapping the stressed-out farang's extremely limited will to live?

Sorry that wasn't meant to be humorous.

[Brigante7]

No matter which social class you marry into, the chances are you will be asked outright for money or asked to enter into a "risk free, sure deal". I would like to know what you say or do and how successful you are with your approach.

Start as you mean to go on, if you decide not to give any "Help" then stick to your guns.

Brigante7.

[Chaimai]

Is it just my experience -- or is it always a certain farang demographic that gets sucked into the divorced/never married bar skag with a litter of sprogs requiring new strollers and hospital bills and sapping the stressed-out farang's extremely limited will to live?

Sorry that wasn't meant to be humorous.

You succeeded.

[jubby]

No matter which social class you marry into, the chances are you will be asked outright for money or asked to enter into a "risk free, sure deal". I would like to know what you say or do and how successful you are with your approach.

for one off requests It depends on how much they want , what they want it for and how much you have to spare I guess.

Interesting this thread has turned into a poll on 'supporting the wifes family or not' which I suspect wasn't the intention.

I know a few Guys who insist they don't but I know different. If the Girl needs to support her family then she will use any means to do so.

better to be upfront about it for everyones sake.

10,000 + views and counting.

[sanook2me]

I feel sorry for the g/f or wives as I think alot of the Western men do not give the girls a chance with getting an education, job for a career or even budgeting the household income.

From my readings on here the men who gave their woman a chance have a happy relationship with lots of understanding about feelings and money.

Men who just give a wage to their Mrs and not take time to let her develop herself are asking for trouble because how can she begin to learn, gain new experiences and knowledge about money and the World when she is never given a chance.

Give the girl a chance! Let them take control of family budgeting and giving out family loans and send her out to work too. Earn some respect for your woman she is not a toy or dog she is for life!

[Heng]

The problem is that many farangs here were digging their own grave with their own shovel at the beginning when they GIVE GIVE GIVE without any reasonable justifications.

NOW they’re learning the consequence of their own doing in a hard way.

Once GIVE now it’s so difficult to SWAT them away, coz it has became a habbit for them to GIVE ME-GIVE ME- GIVE MEEEEEEEE

WHO should you blame here.....duh duh

It takes two to tango. The fleecers involved are typically going to be those who would be prone to do some fleecing to begin with. The foreigners involved aren't doing themselves any favors by choosing these types of folks (family included) to be life partners.

[old wanderer]

Well I have been married to my wife for around 13 years. Many years ago when this "loan" stuff 1st surfaced, I made a suggestion to my wife.

I will loan you the money, if you want you can loan them the money, but take a chanote as security..

I have either gotten all my money back (I let the wife keep the interest) or I have about 6 Chanotes (in my wife's name now) that I keep as security for the loans I mad her that she did not collect on, but ended up with some property...

Few of the shirt-tail relatives are unhappy, but we let the share crop their old land and see a profit most years. Others decided it was better to repay the money and get the Chanote back.

The most important thing is my wife is really happy, as she has all this land, and is treated like visiting royalty when she returns home. She has become a pretty hard nosed business woman, even making her sister sign a contract to work one piece of land.

And for sure, I am usually happy if the wife is happy.

[BigSnake]

No matter which social class you marry into, the chances are you will be asked outright for money or asked to enter into a "risk free, sure deal". I would like to know what you say or do and how successful you are with your approach.

Their will be some that say they never give anything to the family of the wife, but one more time I will say they do, in one way or the other. Each of us have to deal with it the best we can, with a lot depending on our financial assets. Nuff said

[Pierrot]

No matter which social class you marry into, the chances are you will be asked outright for money or asked to enter into a "risk free, sure deal". I would like to know what you say or do and how successful you are with your approach.

Simple. If the guy is a loser who accumulates failed deals after failed deals, I politely decline. If he is a successful businessman who want to integrate the new family member in the family business, I join. But be careful to understand what "family" means before committing to any partnership.