Getting Old

[Rdrokit]

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He

went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of

hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor

said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you

can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around

and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under

a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and

I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my a ge. How do you

feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating,

the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were

talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it

was really great I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of

that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and

has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen

and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

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Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.

However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman

already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who

insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about

rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the

way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said.

"She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

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A couple in their nineties is both having problems remembering things.

During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but

they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure ."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it

down, so's not to forget it?"

He says, "I can remember that.You want a bowl of ice cream with

strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream.I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?"

she asks.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice

cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man

returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast?"

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A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're

getting married?"

"Yep!"

"Do I know her?"

"Nope!"

"This wo man, is she good looking?"

"Not really."

"Is she a good cook?"

"Naw, she can't cook too well."

"Does she have lots of money?"

"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."

"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

"Because she can still drive!"

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Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

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A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me

four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days

later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young

woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really

doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be

cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be

careful."

One More

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself

slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a

banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

[chinthee]

Some of those had me in stitches. Just sent those off to my 80+ parents.

[byeth]

excellent!!!!!

[JimGant]

SENIOR LOVE STORY

Mrs. Murphy and Mrs. Cohen had been longtime close friends. But being

old-fashioned, each went to a retirement home of her own respective

religion.

It was not long before Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen,

so one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old

friend. When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs, and kisses.

Mrs. Murphy said, "Don't be holdin' back, Mrs. Cohen, how do you like

it here?"

Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and

the care takers. Then, with a twinkle in her eye, she said, "But the best

thing is that I now have a boyfriend."

Mrs. Murphy said, "Now isn't that wonderful! Tell me all about it."

Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch we go up to my room and sit on the edge

of the bed. I let him touch me on the top, and then on the bottom, and

then we sing Jewish songs."

Mrs. Murphy said, "For sure it's a blessing. I'm so glad for you Mrs.

Cohen.

Mrs. Cohen said, "And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy?"

Mrs. Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that

she also had a boyfriend.

Mrs. Cohen said, "Good for you! So what do you do?"

Mrs. Murphy says, "We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the

edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me

down below."

Mrs. Cohen said, "Yes? And then....?"

Mrs. Murphy said.."Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs, we

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