50s, 60s, 70s and up!

[WEBBYB808]

I'm sure I may be the only one saddened by my observation, and I in no way mean to offend or troll.  If tha's what is perceived I'm sure the topic will be removed.   My lady, 20 years my junior, has been asking me to have a child with her.  This, as a man, must respectfully decline, and when I attempt to explain why, she has a tough time accepting why.  It could be that shes thinking of a number  of reasons why she wants it, but I have many why it's not a good idea.  I am thinking of the potential  child first, being foremost. 

I see it everyday many men my age, and older with young children under 5 years of age.  For me at early 50's puts me in my 70s when the child will be in thier 20s.  The avverage life expectancy in an industrial county is 75.  Why would I put that kind of hurt on an offspring?  I know young people have children,and aren't  guaranteed long life, but the odds are in their favor.

The education  system the system that takes care of its people, the lack of freedom of speech, the barely survivable wage paid, and more and more of things that I feel detrimental if the child were a girl deter me from making a child in an undeveloped country. Now it would only be bad for many of these conditions if we stayed in a undeveloped country. Which with a chold I wouldn't want that kind of life for and would take back to be raised in my country.  So, many times I see some take the child back to their country, pass away, and the lady and child return to the underdeveloped country, where the lady is welcomed by local nationals for the money or what ever, but the child is never fully embraced.  Even in developed countries another mans child isn't fully embraced very often.   Its just a sad thing in life that happens.  So, how do some of you do it?  Shes turning out to be a good lady, and her happiness is important  to me, and that may mean I have to end  it and thats hard but a wise decision for her happiness.    I do hope I am asking it as polite as possible,  as if its successful  for others then maybe I can see it that way.  I guess the biggest part is the odds of passing too soon and the child growing without what I feel the best that could have been.  

[ignis]

Bernie Ecclestone springs to mind, he was 90 when he had his last Son, with his present wife Brazilian Fabiana age 44

Edited January 4, 2022 by ignis

[WEBBYB808]

4 minutes ago, ignis said:

Bernie Ecclestone springs to mind, he was 90 when he had his last Son, with his present wife Brazilian Fabiana age 44

How old was his child when he passed.  I mean the oldest lady alive is 119.  If Bernie lives 23 more years then the child will get to know his father, but if not....  making thems easy.  Being there maybe not so easy.  Is Bernie  extremely  rich?  I ask because  at least the child will be financially  ok.  

[ezzra]

50s, 60s, 70s and up! i thought you're referring to music from that era which i listen to... as to your conundrum yes it is a pickle to contemplate but i think that only you can really, really have the answer...

[ignis]

5 minutes ago, WEBBYB808 said:

How old was his child when he passed.  I mean the oldest lady alive is 119.  If Bernie lives 23 more years then the child will get to know his father, but if not....  making thems easy.  Being there maybe not so easy.  Is Bernie  extremely  rich?  I ask because  at least the child will be financially  ok.  

Bernie thinks he will live for ever, child born last year, say's he may well have more and hopes to see them grow up..

[Etaoin Shrdlu]

I was in your situation roughly 25 years ago. I insisted I was too old to have kids, but I had a clever plan, and it worked! She stopped wanting more children after our fourth.

[Etaoin Shrdlu]

9 minutes ago, Etaoin Shrdlu said:

 

Mods, please delete. Duplicate.

 

Edited January 4, 2022 by Etaoin Shrdlu

[KhunLA]

OP, are you retired ?  Are you a Yank ?  If you crapped out just after birth, how would the Mrs & kid financially support themselves, independently, not the family thing.

 

If a Yank, not a problem, as SS would support the kid, if you are paid into it.  Don't know about other countries' policy.

 

Do you or she, already have children, or is this the first for both ?  Do YOU want a kid, and the responsibility it requires for the next 20 yrs.  If not, then NO....and that's no, if or but.  Not fair to you or a kid.

 

 

[OneMoreFarang]

Do you want children? Would you say yes if you would be 30 or 40 years old?

Or are you happy to have a reason why it's a good idea that you don't have kids (maybe in general or with this woman)?

 

Personally I don't have kids because I think they are too much headache and they cost a fortune.

Some people like kids and they do their best for those kids. Fine, do it!

Other people, especially many Thais, somehow "think" kids need a little food and all the rest will somehow go automatically. Parenting? A good school? Time for the kids? It seems many parents just don't care and/or don't realize how important it is to take care of kids.

 

In your case I think think about if you want kids. Do you want to take care of them as long as you live? And what will happen if you die "early"? Will there still be enough money for a decent school and maybe university?

[WEBBYB808]

1 hour ago, KhunLA said:

OP, are you retired ?  Are you a Yank ?  If you crapped out just after birth, how would the Mrs & kid financially support themselves, independently, not the family thing.

 

If a Yank, not a problem, as SS would support the kid, if you are paid into it.  Don't know about other countries' policy.

 

Do you or she, already have children, or is this the first for both ?  Do YOU want a kid, and the responsibility it requires for the next 20 yrs.  If not, then NO....and that's no, if or but.  Not fair to you or a kid.

 

 

Yes and retired,  Have children already grown.  I thought about the SS they'd get, and I know one can't assume the future, I just worry a l9cal guy would come into their life if I went too earlu.  I fear he'd abuse them and only be after money.  I know it doesn't  always happen that way, but She isn't  middle class and seeing this happens  to others is a fear.  Thanks for your response 

[KhunLA]

17 minutes ago, WEBBYB808 said:

Yes and retired,  Have children already grown.  I thought about the SS they'd get, and I know one can't assume the future, I just worry a l9cal guy would come into their life if I went too earlu.  I fear he'd abuse them and only be after money.  I know it doesn't  always happen that way, but She isn't  middle class and seeing this happens  to others is a fear.  Thanks for your response 

So a Yank, and it's down to, 'do you want to have another family again' and all that goes with that in your retirement.  

 

If that's not a thing you'll be happy with, then that will also affect your relationship, and the kid's future.  If you are not happy, then not a happy relationship, and not a happy family.  

 

Hard for anyone to give advice, as I did the opposite than most, and exactly what you're asking about, 20 some years ago.   I took in the unofficial village orphan, when she was about 2.  She graduated Uni this year, self employed, along with salaried job in spare time, and now self sufficient, and I couldn't have made a better decision way back then.  

 

But I waited till I had the time & money needed, to raise a kid, as didn't want anyone I was responsible for, to have to mirror my childhood / teen years.  Never had kids of my own, or was around other's for more than a few years.

 

You already did the family thing, do you really want to do it again.  Did you ever think ... "glad that's over, and worked out good, don't think I'll do that again" ... if so, there's your answer.

 

 

Edited January 4, 2022 by KhunLA

[KhunLA]

Oh yea, I'll throw it out there, though may not apply ... but ... if it didn't cross your mind.

 

How solid is your relationship ?  Some of the negative nannys (not me of course) may suggest, once kid is born, and SS approved, a nice little monthly income (Thai standard) ....  you ain't needed any more ... ????

[Paulaew]

Having children at any age is a thoroughly personal decision, and everyone has their own reasons. I respect that.

 

But I have the sense that the OP's post is a series of rationalizations to support his decision and he's looking for validation. But you don't need validation from anyone, it's your choice. You have your own reasons and only you can choose how best to explain them to your partner.

 

I thought about many of these issues when I had a child in Thailand in my mid-50's. Though I could die at any time, I realized that there are things I could give my son (now 12) that are not easily found in Thailand -- the English language, an international outlook, and support at home for his education (since so many of the Thai schools seem so mediocre). I treasure all the time we have together working on computer and video projects, discussing books and western culture. I feel confident that my son will have many advantages in life that are not purely financial. I hope I live many years more, but all the days are precious. A child can really be a source of great joy late in life.

 

Paul Laew

 

Edited January 4, 2022 by Paulaew

[KhunLA]

18 hours ago, Paulaew said:

A child can really be a source of great joy late in life.

I was so anti kid in my later years, that I got a vasectomy at 40 yrs old.  Raising one was way too cool, and to much fun for both of us.

 

Can think of only 1 other thing that actually gave my life meaning, purpose and worth existing ... ????

 

Main issue for OP is, he already did that, and really no need to repeat.  Doubt if I would, if younger, raise another kid, since already doing, as that's a 20 yr commitment.   Most folks, get to do it again with grandchildren, and part time, a major plus.  I'm actually looking forward to that, but not sure I'll live long enough, as daughter in no hurry.

[BritManToo]

22 hours ago, WEBBYB808 said:

I see it everyday many men my age, and older with young children under 5 years of age.  For me at early 50's puts me in my 70s when the child will be in thier 20s.  The avverage life expectancy in an industrial county is 75.  Why would I put that kind of hurt on an offspring?  I know young people have children,and aren't  guaranteed long life, but the odds are in their favor.

Had my Thai son when I was 55, it's been great.

Divorce is more likely to remove a father than death.

And that's something a man has little or no control over.

My Thai son has spent 4 years more with a dad (now age 65), than my last two Brit sons.

 

If you don't have a kid with her, your relationship is doomed, and she'll just move on to someone that will.

[BritManToo]

21 hours ago, OneMoreFarang said:

Personally I don't have kids because I think they are too much headache and they cost a fortune.

Some people like kids and they do their best for those kids. Fine, do it!

My two in Thailand didn't cost me much at all.

My four back in the UK didn't cost much either, in fact the UK government gave me 10,000 pounds a year for having them.

[Lacessit]

IMO having a child when one is in their sixties is irresponsible. How would anyone relate to them when they are in their teens? What sort of role model would a father in their 80's be? Delusional at best.

People like Bernie Ecclestone may want to affirm their potency at an advanced age, he has the money to ensure any offspring are well provided for. I don't have that amount of money, or any desire to make myself look ridiculous.

[KhunLA]

15 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

If you don't have a kid with her, your relationship is doomed, and she'll just move on to someone that will.

In which case, he would have made the right decision ... ????

 

 

[Lacessit]

16 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

 

If you don't have a kid with her, your relationship is doomed, and she'll just move on to someone that will.

IMO a relationship based solely on having kids would not be worth having anyway.

[OneMoreFarang]

44 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

My two in Thailand didn't cost me much at all.

My four back in the UK didn't cost much either, in fact the UK government gave me 10,000 pounds a year for having them.

I hear all the time parents complaining about the high cost. And that includes poor parent when they have to buy new uniforms and books and also "rich" parents when they pay for good schools, a new computer, new phones, etc.

 

Personally I decided that I only would want to have kids if I have enough money and I am willing to spend that money for a good school and university. Just any school, especially in Thailand, is IMHO not good enough.

And the better the school the more extra costs. Like a new expensive notebook, a school trip to the USA, etc. I know enough people who spend over a million THB per year per child. 

Thanks but no thanks.

[OneMoreFarang]

54 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

If you don't have a kid with her, your relationship is doomed, and she'll just move on to someone that will.

If the relationship is doomed only because they don't have a kid then the relationship is anyhow doomed.

 

Too many couples have kids because they think that will save their relationship or make it somehow better.

Don't rely on that. Because what will you do if it doesn't get better? Kids deserve better than that.

[BritManToo]

41 minutes ago, OneMoreFarang said:

I hear all the time parents complaining about the high cost. And that includes poor parent when they have to buy new uniforms and books and also "rich" parents when they pay for good schools, a new computer, new phones, etc.

Mine go to the local government school, it was good enough for me, so it's good enough for them.

I ain't raising spoiled little princes/princesses.

Not to mention the schools are all closed with no signs of opening.

You can pay as much as you want, they still ain't going.

 

One finished university last year, got a job right away.

One would still be in junior school, if it were open.

It's nice they're happy, IMHO that's all that matters.

 

Cost of kids, 20kbht/year until university then 40-50kbht/year (for 4 years).

Almost nothing from my pension ........ not so good if you're a rice farmer.

Edited January 5, 2022 by BritManToo

[Hummin]

I do not want kids, therefor I do not get involved with a younger lady who do not have kids from before or want kids. Simple as that!

 

It is not right to get involved with a younger lady who do not have kids from before, and deny them a kid if they still want to be together with you! 

Edited January 5, 2022 by Hummin

[OneMoreFarang]

51 minutes ago, Hummin said:

I do not want kids, therefor I do not get involved with a younger lady who do not have kids from before or want kids. Simple as that!

 

It is not right to get involved with a younger lady who do not have kids from before, and deny them a kid if they still want to be together with you! 

Any partner can end the relation with any partner if they have different ideas about kids.

IMHO too many people have kids because "everybody" has kids and "everybody" is asking about kids.

 

It seems lots of Thais just have kids without any planning or any thoughts. Like: Where did they came from. We had no idea...

[Lacessit]

2 hours ago, BritManToo said:

My two in Thailand didn't cost me much at all.

My four back in the UK didn't cost much either, in fact the UK government gave me 10,000 pounds a year for having them.

IIRC you have stated your four children in the UK are struggling, and hate you.

That's not how I would want any child of mine to remember me.

[Hummin]

23 minutes ago, OneMoreFarang said:

Any partner can end the relation with any partner if they have different ideas about kids.

IMHO too many people have kids because "everybody" has kids and "everybody" is asking about kids.

 

It seems lots of Thais just have kids without any planning or any thoughts. Like: Where did they came from. We had no idea...

Having kids is the most natural thing and desire for many, and especially girls maybe! It is part of most humans to reproduce, except people like you and me! And I agree with you in your arguments why not to have, still, I would never deny my gf to have if she got pregnant, but as far we know, she can not have. And that's one of the reasons why I choosed to stay with her in the first place. 

[ignis]

5 hours ago, Lacessit said:

IMO having a child when one is in their sixties is irresponsible. How would anyone relate to them when they are in their teens? What sort of role model would a father in their 80's be? Delusional at best.

People like Bernie Ecclestone may want to affirm their potency at an advanced age, he has the money to ensure any offspring are well provided for. I don't have that amount of money, or any desire to make myself look ridiculous.

people will just think you are the granddad taking the grandchild to school

[RandiRona]

4 hours ago, ignis said:

people will just think you are the granddad taking the grandchild to school

Except when the accompanying old man is Falang....in that case he is defacto Father....the son and the Holy Ghost!!

[EVENKEEL]

No reason not to have a kid in your 50's that I can see as long as you got the money. You don't want a kid, up to you. But not to have one because you worry of your age what happens if you die, well that is something all ages should think about, not just you.