Pilots & Air Traffic Control

[Boo]

Conversations overheard between pilots and Air Traffic Control

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

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Tower: "American 2341, for noise abatement, turn right 45 degrees."

Amer.2341: Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 737?

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>From an unknown aircraft waiting in a VERY long take-off queue: "I'm f....ing bored!"

Tower: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f....ing bored, not f.....ing stupid!"

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Ohare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the Little Fokker in sight."

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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for take-off."

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A 757 had come in a little "hot" and thus had an exceedingly long roll-out after touching down.

San Jose Tower noted: "Delta 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

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There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."

ATC told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

Jock: "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

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Taxiing down the tarmac, a United 777 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"

Flight attendant: "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," she explained. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

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A United 767 flight waiting for start clearance in Frankfurt overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground: (in English) "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa: (in English) "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful proper British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

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Tower: "Delta 702, cleared for take-off, contact Departure on frequency 124.7."

Delta 702: "Tower, Delta 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway"

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for take off behind Delta 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Delta 702?

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for take off, roger; and yes, we copied Delta...we've already notified our caterers."

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The German ATC at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. It was with some amusement, that we, a British Airline 707 listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt Ground Control and a British Airways 707, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206, taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 707 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

BA 206: "Stand-by Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground: (With quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

BA 206: "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,---and I didn't land."

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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a USAir flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a Continental 757. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the USAir crew, screaming: "USAir 2771, where are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you and how I tell you! YOU GOT THAT, US AIR 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of USAir 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then, an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"