Baby In Parental Bed

[mogster]

Ever since he was born our son has slept in our bed. I have tried several times to persuade my (Thai) wife to put him in a cot in our bedroom to no avail. I even dedicated a bedroom in the house for him with murals, toys, kids bed and furniture, etc but that just gets used to play in during the day. My wife thinks it is ridiculous of me to even consider having our son sleep anywhere but in our bed. For any of you who have been through this.......does it last forever? I worry so much about squashing him that i dont sleep very well until they wake up around 7am.......and what about sex? sneaking a quick one every now and then when he's fast asleep hardly seems right....

Please share your experiences..

[garro]

Ever since he was born our son has slept in our bed. I have tried several times to persuade my (Thai) wife to put him in a cot in our bedroom to no avail. I even dedicated a bedroom in the house for him with murals, toys, kids bed and furniture, etc but that just gets used to play in during the day. My wife thinks it is ridiculous of me to even consider having our son sleep anywhere but in our bed. For any of you who have been through this.......does it last forever? I worry so much about squashing him that i dont sleep very well until they wake up around 7am.......and what about sex? sneaking a quick one every now and then when he's fast asleep hardly seems right....

Please share your experiences..

I know exacty what you are going through.

Our son is three months old and sleeps with us and there is no sign of him moving out.

Like you I worried about rolling on top of him so he now sleeps on the other side of my wife.

Sex- I am terrified that my baby will have flashbacks in later years to his mum and dad doing it.

It is definitely a passion killer.

Like you I suggested that we put him in a cot.

My wife reacted as if I was suggesting we abandon him at a bus-stop.

Edited November 26, 2007 by garro

[nikisue]

From a mother's point of view. My daughter since birth has slept in a cot next to our bed. Except for the odd occasion when she falls asleep with us in our bed. My daughter is now 20 months old and I can't see her being in her own room at least for another year. This is a personal decision. I am sure that she would sleep just as well if she was in her own room. But as a mother I need the closeness with her. If not I would not be able to sleep. Lately she has been waking up at about 2am and wanting to come into bed with me. And I have allowed this. My husband has had to relocate to the sofa. I feel that a child will sleep on their own when ready. My daughter is going through a stage right now where she wants to be close to me all the time. And I am not going to deny her this. As I say to my husband this will probably change in the next few months. And she will want to sleep in her own.

I don't think you can say when will they grow out of it. As it goes through stages. They might sleep fine on their own at 1years old but at 3 yrs old want to be with you. This is parenthood. I do understand as a man you are worried of rolling over onto the child. My husband has the same concerns (thus the sofa). But it is not for ever. And you need to remember when your child is still young they need the security and comfort of their mother. You should not deny them this. Just think, what would you prefer your child sleeps well, even if it is in your bed. or be up half the night crying.

[maccaroni man]

it is not a parental bed it is a family bed

[SweatySock]

My wife is pregnant and we've discussed this issue as I was aware that Thai families normally have the baby in the same bed as the parents.

Straight away she said that the baby will sleep in a cot next to our bed. We have a few months to go before the arrival but I hope she doesn't change her mind.

[jimmym40]

This is a sensitive subject. I've been around thai family for the better of 30 yrs. It is customary to have the children sleep with the parents. As we all know, thai families are CLOSE. Sometimes 3-4 generations of family live together (forever).

I'm not saying it's a bad thing to have children sleep with their parents. But when is old, old enough. Our grandson is going on six years old, and still sleeps with his parents. Not his fault, the blame is on the parents. The parents babied him from the start, feeding him, even now. Wasn't potty trained until over 4 yrs old. This all is happening in the states by the way. They've spoiled him totally. What can grandparents do/say to help them? Better not say anything.

And here's a worst case scenario and it's true. A friend of my wife as a 15 yr old son, and to this day, they will share a bedroom. I cannot say what the deal is, I do know there is only one double bed in the room. They are a very nice family (just got separated). I've known them for a couple years at least here in Thailand, and the kid goes everywhere with the parents. They didn't let him get out of sight. They were so protective. I feel sorry for the kid, seems as though he has no friends, no interests, etc. because he has been so sheltered.

My two cents is NOT to have the baby sleep with the parents for too long. I'm no professional, but believe the child nees to start being independant as soon as possible. Remember, the parents duty is to raise and prepare the children to face the future by themselves. Mom and dad won't be around forever.

[pete_r]

My wife was about 6 years old when her parents decided she should sleep in her own bed. Until today she remembers it took several nights of crying and of yo-yoing between being re-allowed in the parents bed, then kicked out again.

My nephew slept in a cot in his parents' bedroom after his birth, and was moved to his own room when he was 3 months old, because his parents go to sleep later than him and started to notice that they were disturbing him when they entered the bedroom. I can't read his mind so don't know whether he keeps any bad memory about it or not (although if he does, he hides it well), but at least he won't have the same drama my wife had when she was 6 years old.

[technocracy]

Thankfully my expectant wife (in Feb) is completely with the cot by the bed then moving into his own room with baby monitors at 6 months .. .. she is highly concerned about the lack of sex!

[MrSquigle]

Our kids never 'slept' in our bed, they sometimes fall asleep in it but then get put into their beds.

Our daughter is 2 and 3/4 now and she has just started sleeping in her own room with her brother.

I never had a problem with the kids sleeping in our room, I actually like it, but not the same bed.

At one stage we had the biggest bed possible, 2 single matresses and 1 king all on the floor next to each other.

Lucky our kids are very sound sleepers also when a bit of rumpy pumpy rolls around...or there is always their room which was vacant.

[maccaroni man]

this is interesting in the way the western attitude of individual clashes with the asian attitude of the group.

I have two children in s.e. asia and we have always had a family bed. This was not my idea but I could tell my wife was not going to budge on this so i went along with it. My oldest is now 9 and he has his own room but we often sleep together and i must say i find the time i spend with my boys in bed is wonderful. i love watching them sleep and i love having them cuddle. I am very happy to be of comfort to them when they wake from a dream or simply need to go to the toilet. I wish I would have had this type of qulity time with my 2 older children in N. America.

[Mosha]

I find myself wondering at the age of the posters. My mum and dad in the UK were poor and the bed with my older brothers was a family bed.

[mogster]

Thanks to everyone for the replies.

I didnt realise that the "family bed" was an accepted concept. I thought it was either something they did in Dickensian times due to lack of bedrooms or some new-age hippy ideal. I am googling it now and finding out the pros and cons.

I had assumed from my own upbringing that children sleep in their own bed so that:

1) they dont get squashed,

2) they dont have to witness mum and dad 'doing it'

3) so they become independant

4) so dad can sleep

However the benefits seem to be

1) Nursing is easier,

2) Mum and child bond more

3) Its naturally how animals sleep with their babies

I can accept this family bed thing at the moment while our son is 2 years old. Not sure if i will feel the same when he is 15 and waking up with "morning glory" like his dad!

[Boo]

my son is now 6 months & has never slept in the bed with us, he had a moses basket from birth next to the bed as it made it easier for me to feed him during the night but once he was sleeping through the night he went into his own room, which was at 16 weeks. He now sleeps a full 12 hours every night & we also get a good night sleep & when hubby is up at 5.30am getting ready for work, my son isn't disturbed.

I have a monitor to hear him in case he does wake, which is very rarely & usually due to teething & he comes into bed with us on weekend mornings for cuddle times & I change his nappy in the morning in my bed & we have a alittle play before giving him his morning bottle but it is not good for him IMO to get too dependant on us to sleep. He is quite able to be put down awake at his nap & bed times & go off to sleep without being held or soothed & my (thai) husband was in full agreement about him having his own bed & later moving into his own room.

I think you have to do whats best for you & your child but I do think that anything over a year is for the benefit of the parent rather than the child, which is fine but do think that the line has to be drawn somewhere & afaiac, the longer you leave it the harder it will be.

[Neeranam]

My elder daughter was never in the bed(in a cot) until about 1 year then out at about 2 years, now in again at 5 years!

No big deal as wehave a double bed and a single in the master bedroom. I also often sleep in the second bedroom. There is another room al decorated for the girls and when the youngest is about 1, they can both sleep there. Got to be firm with them, and their mum!

Edited November 27, 2007 by Neeranam

[MrSquigle]

Well our kids slept in our room until well after 1yo and it was certainly not for the benefit of us alone, it was for all concerned and to think that the child does not benefit from the love, closeness and care and consideration is quite simply....well, best not say what I think hey...

As for the longer you leave it, the harder it will be.....oh you mean leaving the kids in the parents room...well again, my 5yo son moved into his room when he turned 5 early this year, his 2yo sister went with him and they were fine with it from the first night on.

After about a week, the girl got sick and moved back into our room, boy got lonely so he followed and it was easier for all and he felt happier being all together.

A couple of months later, they all moved back into their room again and are still there, happily.

So it depends how it is approached and age makes no real difference.

[Boo]

as I quite clearly stated in my opinion & do what you think is best there is no need to get upset or to turn nasty. I personally beleive all I wrote, if you don't Mr Squiggle, thats your call I never said your were wrong or anyone was wrong for that matter & I never said I was right, the op was asking for opinions, I gave mine. You managed to (yet again) turn a thread nasty by making it personal so try not to be so sensititive ok.

[MrSquigle]

I am a sensitive guy, everybody knows it.

[Mossfinn]

Our Boy sleeps in his own cot in his own room, whilst in the main the wife sleeps on the spare bed in the nursery, whenever this arrangement changes, the monitor goes on.

I guess there is no right or wrong way, just your own ways, culture, mores and bias, whichever suits your needs and whatever floats your boat and is best for the baby and the family as a whole, but mainly the baby.

However, I am no expert as this is my first and I'm learning as I go.

Good Luck

Moss

[PeaceBlondie]

My wife read "The Family Bed" book in the 1980's. and the last four kids were raised in that big bed. We'd ship them off to separate bedrooms at age 2 or 3, but they tended to sneak back in during the night. It didn't interfere much with our sex life. No big problem, really.

[mogster]

Wow - The Family Bed! Just discovering that theres books written on the subject and websites dedicated to it. I shall investigate. Here i was thinking it was a 'Thai peculiarity'

Thanks for all the response.

Sleep well

[seonai]

I have a half Thai child (boy) and it took until he was 12 to persuade him to sleep outside my/our bed. It's common in Thailand to let the kids sleep with the parents - and even the grandparents too ) but IMHO it was a mistake - I wish I had trained my son to sleep alone at an early age like Boo said - it caused me a lot of stress eventually

[Jared]

I tried getting my son in his cot straight away but the comments I got from my wife were, if he sleeps in a cot you get up and look after him when he cries. Ok then he can stay until hes 3 months, ok 6 months, ok 1 year lol Hes just turned 13 months and we a planning to move house and when we do I think I will let him stay in our room although I will buy him his own small bed that I will try and make him stay in. My son likes to sleep crawl, kick and headbutt!

[sibeymai]

our 3 week old girl sleeps in a cot in the same room. If she falls asleep on the bed then she gets put back in the cot. I am assuming that at some future point she will be moved to her own room but have not discussed this with the wife so don't know when this will be. When she stops feeding and waking during the night seems like the right time. How old is that then ? 18 months ?

My wife's sister upcountry has 3 daughters, 14, 11 and 7 and all sleep with ma and pa in the same bed and have always done so.

[Boo]

When she stops feeding and waking during the night seems like the right time. How old is that then ? 18 months ?

My son stopped needing a night feed at 16 weeks but a friend is still feeding her baby a small top up at 12am & he is 9 months so I don't think there is a hard & fast rule but 18months would be quite a long time to still need a night feed IMO.

[torrenova]

My daughter is 4 1/2 months old. From day one she slept in her cot in our room. She wakes around 2am and then again about 6-8am whereupon she often gets an invite into our bed. That tends to settle her (after a feed and a change of nappy) so that we can get some more sleep. I don't mind that as it is not intrusive and a certain compromise. As it is limited, it is nice to be so close to her adn I know my wife likes to have the baby in the bed.

I would not have her in our bed permanently and we have a room for her when we feel she is ready.

[kat]

Well, I can definitely understand both side of the comments here. I am not a parent, but I was a kid that slept with my mom on and off - but mostly on, until I was about 13. I am now a woman that travels around the world by herself, has lived alone several times including in foreign countries, has worked in foreign countries both independently and as a manager, and currently shares a big, wonderful house with mature roommates (with my own private part of the house). I am maddeningly independent in every way, to most who know me.

When I was very young (under 5) I have vague memories of sharing my parents bed, but I can't remember if it was all the time. As I got older, my parents had separate beds, and I would sleep with my mom. As a young child under 5 and a little older, I remember climbing all over my dad and playing with him in bed, but the line was always drawn at me sleeping with him. That was never allowed (by him), even though I would ask and want to sleep in his bed all the time. It just wasn't done. I'm pretty sure that if my parents had shared a bed into my teen years, there's no way I would've been able to sleep there. I think it gets a little strange as the girl or son starts to enter their high school years. I just naturally stopped sleeping with my mom at that point. And no, I wasn't the reason why they took separate beds.

[Beachbunny]

good luck to you all. My niece is in her mid 20's and my nephew almost out of school

and they both still sleep with their mom.....(all thai by the way)my brother-in-law has

his own room......

Edited December 2, 2007 by Beachbunny

[nidge]

My baby is 6 months old and sleeps in our bed. I was not happy with this at first but became used to it after a short period. I work away from home and am often alone for long periods of time. My wife would like my son to do the same type of work as i do when he grows up as pays rather well. So i explained to her that if we move him out of the bed and into a cot soon he will learn to become more independent sooner and will be able to cope with solitary working conditions easier. Next time i am home we will buy a cot and he will (hopefully) sleep there. Whether or not it makes him more independent or not is unimportant really, having the mother think it is a good idea to move the baby out of the bed it the hurdle that needs to be jumped.

[apex2000]

I have been living with my partner (after having divorced my first Thai wife 4years ago) since 25 December 2003; ever since day one, her son from a previous marriage has slept with us. He will be 10 next year. Luckily he sleeps like a log (maybe it's his wooden head? - No, just joking; he's not a bad little kid really). I'm hoping we will one day be able to sleep together, just the two of us (me and the 'missus', that is), but I'm not holding out to much hope.

[answer]

My husband is a Thai and his son slept with us until he was 11! I think this and the pampering Thai culture built up the dependent attitude that he (13 now) doesn't want to do anything. I don't know when he will start riding the motorcycle to do his own things like renting DVDs, picking up things from post offices, etc. He doesn’t know how to ride a motorbike.

Back to the golden days. The son knew it when my husband removed my bra. It was just frustrating. I had to get up around 1am or 2am to have sex when I was feeling very tired for waking up like that.

Two people acting like thieves quietly moved out of the room and when we was doing "it", if my husband heard the sound of him calling "Father", he would jump right back to comfort the son.

On our honeymoon in a hotel, he (slept with his elder brother in the connecting room) knocked our door after an hour and said "I thought you have finished".

Until now my husband asks me why I don't have hot feelings when having sex.

When we built the new house with separate room for the son, he asked me "When the new house is done, Mother, where will you sleep?"

I said "In my own room". He was feeling like we left him, I am the person who made his father abandon him and he (the son) ignored me for about 2 years. During that time we still slept 3 people in one room. He didn't allow us to talk to each other in English. He stayed awake until he collapsed in our bed to make sure we didn't have sex. He woke up but pretended he was sleeping to see if we touched each other in the morning. As soon as we stepped out the bed, he ran after. Strictly no privacy for a newly-wed couple.

One day we were having sex around 2pm but he returned early from school (his teacher sent him home. Normally my husband sent and picked). He saw the curtain in the laundry room closed, and my husband came out from that room. He sat in the sofa to cry like hel_l.

Now I'm pretty sure the 13 y.o. son has become a teenager. He doesn't need us anymore. During 2 term breaks, he locks his room all the time and played with internet and you know what web pages he views besides playing games!

My friend (non-Thai) and her Thai husband let their babies sleep in their own beds in the room next to their room since the beginning. When the babies are sleepy, they point to their beds.

Generally a Thai child will sleep with parents until he/she becomes a teenager or until he/she goes to school dorm at 12 years old. If the school doesn't have dorm, you will sleep with him/her until he/she wants to separate.