Sleeping Arangements

[Brigante7]

My wife is Thai and I am Scottish, we live in Edinburgh and have a 4 month old son. My wife wants our son to sleep in our bed but I said no and she isn't happy, it seems that in Thailnd it is normal for the baby to sleep with the parents. I compromised and told her the cot can stay in our room until he is 6 months old then he will be in his own room, I wanted the cot in the nursery straight away, I don't think it's healthy for a baby to sleep in the same room never mind the same bed as the parents.

Am I being selfish and unfair?

[Fun2Fun]

I'd say you are right on.

Better nip it in the bud, if you don't you might end up with a kid sharing your bed for the next 10+ years as many Thais do

Edited January 14, 2008 by Fun2Fun

[tubber]

I'd say you are right on.

Better nip it in the bud, if you don't you might end up with a kid sharing your bed for the next 10+ years as many Thais do

Yes nip it in the bud, my wife and 2 kids, 6 and 1 year old, all sleep in the same bed. I sleep in another bedroom or on the sofa. All the Thais in the village sleep together anyway.

[PattayaParent]

It's quite common in Asian countries for the baby to sleep with the parents but when our daughter was born we compromised like you have done and put the baby cot in our bedroom and later moved it to her own room. It also makes sense for the feeds in the middle of the night, making the kid more accessible and therefore easier and quicker to get back to sleep for you.

[BossHogg]

nip in the bud now....your wife may be right about the way things are done in Thailand but shes not in Thailand. As a foriegner in Thailand i find im often expected to adopt or at least accept Thai ways which i do .

[Somtamnication]

You guys have more balls than I do. Going on 21 months, baby sleeps in a mattress next to ours, but magically rolls over to our side. Sometimes wife sleeps sideways so the little brat does not roll off the bed.

But, we have an agreement. On my son´s honeymoon, wife and I will not sleep with him.

[thaiclan]

Its a personal choice relevant only to the family and their lifestyle. Many working Dad's and Mum's relish the time they can have overnight with their children that spend the day with a nanny or in daycare. There are plenty of studies both for and against sleeping in one bed, on the "for" side is that the child develops a deeper level of security and suffers less from anxiety. The against group usually list the poor relationship that can develop between husband and wife if they have no alone time. Both camps are equally valid which just leaves us with our personal choice.

Compromising is the best way forward to settle both of you. Its no use if your wife actually feels anxiety about not being right next to her child, but likewise you need to feel that your opinions are taken into account too. The cot in the bedroom is a great idea. Night Night

[Naam]

I'd say you are right on.

Better nip it in the bud, if you don't you might end up with a kid sharing your bed for the next 10+ years as many Thais do

Yes nip it in the bud, my wife and 2 kids, 6 and 1 year old, all sleep in the same bed. I sleep in another bedroom or on the sofa. All the Thais in the village sleep together anyway.

= natural birth control

[legag]

OP! it has to be done! Thai style keeping baby sleeps with parents until God knows when should have stopped.

Lack of passion and time between hubby and wifley after having baby cause so much problems later on. It happens.

Edited January 14, 2008 by legag

[MsFigure]

nip in the bud now....your wife may be right about the way things are done in Thailand but shes not in Thailand. As a foriegner in Thailand i find im often expected to adopt or at least accept Thai ways which i do .

Regardless of country, babies sleeping in their parents beds are a real passion killer

Our daughter was in her cot from day 1 next to my side of the bed. It was easier that way as I was breastfeeding so all I needed to do was stand and pick her up to feed and then put her back down when she was finished. I stopped breastfeeding at 3 months so then we moved her cot into her own room next to us. That is all she knows and she has no problem sleeping on her own in her own room. Wven when she started walking an found out how to climb out of her cot, she was learnt to stay in her room (although we did have to teach her that). Our daughter has always had a 5.30pm bed time and 4 years on, she usually crashes between then and 6pm and will sleep through the night until 5am which is the time we get up.

We're lucky that she is a very confident and INDEPENDENT child and she has no problem sleeping in the dark in her own bed (her own queen size bed fit for a princess) and room unlike her uncle (my husbands half brother) who is 8 or 9, and is scared of his own shadow His mother is chinese-indo so also wanted her baby to sleep with them. Needless to say, he won't sleep in his own room or by himself, scared of the dark and basically everything else. My father-inlaw realises they made a HUGE mistake with having him sleep with them since he was born.

To the OP, do yourself, wife and child a favour - AND get your baby used to its own room AS SOON AS POSSIBLE because the longer you leave it, the harder it will be to get him used to sleeping by himself.

[Samuian]

Am I being selfish and unfair?

You aren't but this is when 2 very different cultures come in live-contact...sometimes there are 3 Generations in one room, so for them it's natural, because they don't know different!

[MsFigure]

Its a personal choice relevant only to the family and their lifestyle. Many working Dad's and Mum's relish the time they can have overnight with their children that spend the day with a nanny or in daycare. There are plenty of studies both for and against sleeping in one bed, on the "for" side is that the child develops a deeper level of security and suffers less from anxiety.

Well from my personal observations I think it makes for a child that is more clingy and totally dependent on their parents, and they suffer greatly from anxiety (like my brother-in-law). And I have also seen this happen with other children who are also allowed to sleep with their parents.

Like you said, it's a personal choice - but I still think it makes for more problems that could otherwise be easily avoided later on.

[wileycoyote]

Compromise:

Move the baby out to a cot,but it can be in the same room.

Then as the child grown move to her own room,with both bedroom doors open!

Later ,we she will her door shut !

Wiley Coyote

[PattayaParent]

I think kids sleeping in the same bed / room has come about due to Asians not having big houses with numerous bedrooms for the extended family to have a separate room each.

There's no economic need for it these days in Farang-Thai relationships.

[thaiclan]

Its a personal choice relevant only to the family and their lifestyle. Many working Dad's and Mum's relish the time they can have overnight with their children that spend the day with a nanny or in daycare. There are plenty of studies both for and against sleeping in one bed, on the "for" side is that the child develops a deeper level of security and suffers less from anxiety.

Well from my personal observations I think it makes for a child that is more clingy and totally dependent on their parents, and they suffer greatly from anxiety (like my brother-in-law). And I have also seen this happen with other children who are also allowed to sleep with their parents.

Like you said, it's a personal choice - but I still think it makes for more problems that could otherwise be easily avoided later on.

Yes personal observations I agree with, but if you research the subject you will find that the for's and against sum up pretty equally. Many of the greatest entrepreneurs (Richard Branson, Anita Roddick and many more) advocate having their children sleep with them. The medical case for babies being squashed when sleeping in their parents bed was totally retracted, and infact more babies die in their own beds.

There is no hard and fast answer, only personal preference. I can totally understand a working Mum who still wants to create a great bond and therefore over night is the perfect way to do this.

As parents we have spent a lot of the 20th century using our wealth to create gadgets that keep our children FROM our bodies - high chairs, strollers, cots, boucers, walkers. This differs greatly from Asian culture and from times past when the baby was attached to a human being for much of its first 6months. Recently child developers have opened the debate as to the connections babies make during this time and the effects on their future development, and this is eveident in the amount of parents opting for baby carriers strapped to their bodies rather than a stroller (or in conjunction with).

In the meantime, trust you personal instincts and what is best for you and your family. Your baby has to fit in with YOUR family, no-one elses.

[Boo]

The medical case for babies being squashed when sleeping in their parents bed was totally retracted, and infact more babies die in their own beds.

I had a baby 8 months ago & was constantly warned about suffocation risk of baby being in bed with us by midwives & my peaditrician (in the UK) so I don't think the medical case for sleeping with parents has been totally retracted. It is advised against if you have any medical condition that reuqires medication, drink alcohol or smoke as these can affect your sleeping &/or judgement also being diabetic (as I am) it is advised not to have your baby in bed with you. Ignoring the emotional & practical reasons there are very valid medical reasons that have to be looked at before thinking about having a baby in bed with you but if you have/do none of the things listed then it is agreed that there is no reason why babies can't sleep with parents.

As to whether you would want to well thats a personal choice & one that both my thai husband & I agreed before he was born ( & discounting a valid medical reason not to) that he would be in his own crib in our room for the first 4 months & then in his own room once he was no longer requireing night feeds, which actually happened at 10 weeks but as we were in los for a month & staying with the in laws he was still in our room but he went straight to his own room the first night we got back home.

[Brigante7]

The medical case for babies being squashed when sleeping in their parents bed was totally retracted, and infact more babies die in their own beds.

I had a baby 8 months ago & was constantly warned about suffocation risk of baby being in bed with us by midwives & my peaditrician (in the UK) so I don't think the medical case for sleeping with parents has been totally retracted. It is advised against if you have any medical condition that reuqires medication, drink alcohol or smoke as these can affect your sleeping &/or judgement also being diabetic (as I am) it is advised not to have your baby in bed with you. Ignoring the emotional & practical reasons there are very valid medical reasons that have to be looked at before thinking about having a baby in bed with you but if you have/do none of the things listed then it is agreed that there is no reason why babies can't sleep with parents.

As to whether you would want to well thats a personal choice & one that both my thai husband & I agreed before he was born ( & discounting a valid medical reason not to) that he would be in his own crib in our room for the first 4 months & then in his own room once he was no longer requireing night feeds, which actually happened at 10 weeks but as we were in los for a month & staying with the in laws he was still in our room but he went straight to his own room the first night we got back home.

I'm not worried about hurting him, I just don't think that it's the right thing to do but try telling the wife that.

[Mossfinn]

You can find some further Responses Here it might give you further insight,

Good Luck

Moss

[dr_Pat_Pong]

You guys have more balls than I do. Going on 21 months, baby sleeps in a mattress next to ours, but magically rolls over to our side. Sometimes wife sleeps sideways so the little brat does not roll off the bed.

But, we have an agreement. On my son´s honeymoon, wife and I will not sleep with him.

[ZZZ]

Another consideration regarding the child's sleeping arrangement is that it should be completely dark. Studies have reviled that nearly 60% of children sleeping with the light on before they are 2 years old develop myopia, near sightedness.

In some cultures, where living space is tight, myopia is very common. Just look at Singapore and Japan where just about everyone wear glasses.

[GuestHouse]

I think its the start of the whole 'Thai Mother / Child' thing that I don't regard as particularly healthy.

The issue is not just sleeping arangements but also personal development and independence.

[fletchsmile]

I think its the start of the whole 'Thai Mother / Child' thing that I don't regard as particularly healthy.

The issue is not just sleeping arangements but also personal development and independence.

I have similar thoughts around that. Sometimes I'm not sure who is really more clingy mother or child. Then it just seems to continue and become more ingrained if you're not careful. This seems to go over and above the protective mother in the west. As for whether it's healthy or not, I think it has some pros and some cons. On balance I'd prefer a little more independence than your average Thai when it's my own daughter. Then again my wife is unusually independent for a Thai at times.

[torrenova]

Our 6 month old sleeps in her cot in our room. On rare occasions she'll come into our bed but usually if we just want a longer lie in. We have no reason to move her into her own room at the moment but we haven't discussed it really. I suppose we should in the next few months.

[PeaceBlondie]

I heard recently of a Thai-farang couple who haven't had sex for three years, since the baby was born. Maybe the baby sleeps between them?

[onnut]

My wife is due in a couple of months, I have already told her our baby can sleep in our bed for a little while, but he will have his own bed within 6 months. and pretty soon after will be moved into his own room as well.

It did me no harm, or my sisters and brothers.

put your foot down on certain things mate, its your kid as well.

[onnut]

I heard recently of a Thai-farang couple who haven't had sex for three years, since the baby was born. Maybe the baby sleeps between them?

yeah, thats not healthy for the baby, and certainly not healthy for the married couple.

put your foot down mate, dont let it happen

[tutsiwarrior]

as falangs, we basically intrude upon the local sleeping arrangementd with our western insistance that we sleep alone unless sex is required. This is reasnable as we all know what we need for a goodnight's sleep...best to keep peace in the office and with the boss and not fall asleep at work.

I have had to put my foot down so as to not have adolescent nieces crawl into bed with me and the wife and have variously been accused of being a pedophile on this forum. It's just something that you have to deal with when living in a traditional thai arrangement. I have now insured that the adolescent nieces have their own arrangement and that they are expected to use it. However, the 15 y.o.has gotten ill and has insisted upon sleeping with her mother and is not alarmed when she wakes up next to a fat, hairy, 57 y.o falang. The wife sleeps partially naked so as to be available to her husband. The kids always sleep fuilly clothed as they normally do...pisses me off as I don't like dirty street chlothes in the bed...

With the wife we reserve sex for when we are alone, of course...

'to bed, to bed said sleepy head, let's wait awhile said sloe...take up the cup said greedy gup, le't's sup before we go...'

Edited January 17, 2008 by tutsiwarrior

[torrenova]

Sorry but I think a 15 year old getting into bed with their parents or relatives is wrong. A slumber party with her friends maybe and even a boyfriend but not with the old uns !

[tutsiwarrior]

Sorry but I think a 15 year old getting into bed with their parents or relatives is wrong. A slumber party with her friends maybe and even a boyfriend but not with the old uns !

I hear what you're saying but at the age sometimes the kid doesn't know about 'appropriateness'...her mom doesn't want her in the bed either but we are both hard put to say to her 'yer not a kid no more'...

in a special arrangement when there is illness and the child wants closeness to their mother for comfort I can be flexible...never on a regular basis...she's bigger than her mom and takes up a lot of bed space...and I insist that she has her own blanket. She just wraps up like a burrito until morning.

Plus you have to consider that the traditional thai sleeping arrangement is to have three generations sleeping together like a tamale pie on the floor in front of the TV...privacy comes dear when adults want to 'be on their own'. I remember my first encounter at the old family house...basically a shack on stilts above a rice paddy...people on the hard floor snoring away...had to angle yer way in to get floor space...modesty becomes a big issue as ALL the space is shared...half naked wimmin with a towel around held on by teeth...people just keep on keepin' on...a real eye opener for yer garden variety falang...

'tutsi, yer not supposed to look at my mom and my sister's asses...it's not polite...'

Edited January 17, 2008 by tutsiwarrior

[torrenova]

Tutsi, I agree with your comments on how they live but I am not one who just because they live in Thailand must do everything the Thai way.

I remember a while back we had a thread about sleeping many to a room and I am still of the notion that it is from economic necessity where they didn't have 5 rooms for the 4 kids or had 15 kids because some would die and they needed them to work the land (boys) and sell off for sinsot (girls). Very over simplified I will admit but you wouldn't leave 4 bedrooms empty and huddle together on the floor would you ?