Dowry

[pnustedt]

My wife's daughter - nice sweet thing, early 20s, virgin, works in a bank, good education, got a farang step dad and other such benefits getting married to a Chinese bank manager. I keep bringing up the subject of dowry and conversation goes dead.

Should I just blurt out my demands and how much should I ask for?

[wolf5370]

Depends if you intend to:

a] Keep all of it.

B] Return all of it after the wedding.

c] Pay for the wedding with it and return the rest.

"C" is the usual, especially with the HiSo set. So it should be as big an amount as possible - to show off (the Chinese-Thais and HiSo set like that), and to show her woth to him. Make him, and his family, understand the amount to be kept - for the wedding and party - and that the rest will be returned.

My wife was from a middle upper class family, dowry was raised through my wife-2-b initially. They took the "C" option - and I got much of the money back (I used it to buy them things like a large American, pickup etc - but that's unusual it is usually for the young couple to begin their lives together with).

So, let your step duaghter raise the question in private with her man - just give her what you want and the option you are choosing. That way there will be no loss of face if the man's family can not afford the dowry (they will negotiate and she will tell her mum/you what is reasonable).

Hope this helps.

[maitembot]

I'd say, since it's not your daughter, it's not your business.

[bkk barney]

how could having a farang step dad be considered a benifit??

[britmaveric]

No Dowery - those days have come and gone!

[simon43]

I agree with no dowry! My GF knows that I will not pay a single baht as a dowry - on the basis that I have already doled out enough for her and her family. Luckily, they are Thai-Thai and not as 'big-faced' as perhaps the Thai-Chinese are.

I was actually thinking of asking for a dowry from my GF!!

[Tornado]

seeing the bank manager tomorrow Peter, will let you know.

[otherstuff1957]

What does your wife think? It's her daughter, so she should have a good idea of what price (if any) should be appropriate!

[Spee]

No Dowery - those days have come and gone!

Agreed ... the days of daughters being treated as property should be going away.

However, even if looking at it from traditional terms, could the dowery be justified?

- Is the daughter going to be expected to be the breadwinner and take care of the mother and father? Sounds like no ...

- Is the daughter (and hence the husband) going to inherit all of the family wealth? Sounds like no ...

- Is the daughter coming from a traditional village family, where these kinds of traditions are still kept and strictly adhered to? Sounds like no ...

I guess I can't think of any reasons why there should be a dowery, except for perhaps as a symbol in a traditional ceremony. In that case, it should be strictly for show to the guests, returned 100% to the couple, and with that understanding pre-stated to the bride and groom beforehand.

Just my own wrong opinion ...

[Heng]

No dowry. If all parties agree that there should be, just have them get a cashiers check made out to the bride to be. No hassle and no need to deal with 10-30 kgs. of cash.

[chanchao]

Nice effort though, this post. :-) Credit where credit is due...

Having not paid any dowry myself (of course) it would be silly to even think about it when the time comes and any daughters are getting married...

Cheers,

Chanchao

[alleypanda]

My parents asked 0 baht.

[pnustedt]

how could having a farang step dad be considered a benifit??

Because, under the Chinese/Thai family system, the offspring would be expected to care for the parents - this obligation has been lifted. So the groom has quite a financial benefit.

Additionally, we have bought the daughter an apartment in HK (and they don't come cheap).

The daughter (and therefore the husband) will be beneficiaries in our estate.

Additionally - he comes around our place and drinks my booze!

[astral]

Your wife will know how much to ask.

It is a matter of negotiation anyway.

Given the status of the bridegroom, I would expect quite a large sum.

My wife suggests 5 baht in gold plus 100,000 baht money,

could be much higher depending on whether your daughter already has land in her own name.

[duke69]

Organize and pay all the Buffet dinner (half western and half Thai-Chinese), so you can decide the menu without complaints or problems.

...... finish

don't give anything else, you are seen like a cash cow, so use your culture (as they do) as a barrier, they will end up more than happy with the dinner.

If you give them 5000$ for the dinner and ask back the balance, they will end up offering a poor dinner (blame on you, cheap charlie), get back 40% commission from the restaurant and giving you bach 8 baht for the Taxi.

Sad but true.

When I offer dinner (special occasions) to all family members (from my wife), I decide the restaurant (clean and good), I decide the menu (together with my wife, good food, good quantity) and I pay directly. Never had any complaint and saved money when compared to my first years where I was leaving them to do everything (dirty restaurants, poor food, bloody expensive .....)

When I was asking my wife explanation she was the first one to be angry with her family and than was calming me down saying: "The Shark fin soup is expensive, the sea cocumber is very expensive, the fish lips are very expensive" all CRAP.

[dr_Pat_Pong]

I'd say, since it's not your daughter, it's not your business.

I second the motion

[RamdomChances]

When I got married, we had money and gold to "show" at the wedding, 400,000 and 20 bht gold. This was only for show though and we had it straight back, my mother-in-law even gave us all the money from the guests about 80,000 as I paid for the wedding. We did talk about the dowry ect before hand but the mother-in-law only really wanted a big wedding not cash.

In all we had about 3-400 all day, and about 1200, in the night, food, drink every thing came to about 150,000 but I got 80,000 back, not bad really.

The returning of the dowry is more comman now but in this part of the world, its by no means the rule, and yes thai men have to pay as well, usually the gold is given on the engagment.

My brother-in-law had to pay and not get any back 100,000, and a good friend got engauged last week and had to fork out for 10 bht gold.

I would say that up here, a well educated, nice looking girl with a good job and family, they would be asking for around 500,000 and 10-20 bht, where this was to be kept would be open to negotiation.

Of course it something to do with him, even if she is only his step daughter, but its probably best to ask the misses what she recons.

Cheers RC

[duke69]

I would say that up here, a well educated, nice looking girl with a good job and family, they would be asking for around 500,000 and 10-20 bht, where this was to be kept would be open to negotiation.

Wow like a beast market ..... when my daddy buys a sheep he talks in the same way.

In this case why don't they try to sell her to Nana, for sure they will get more than 500,000 baht.

I offer 500,001 ..............

[RamdomChances]

Wow like a beast market ..... when my daddy buys a sheep he talks in the same way.

In this case why don't they try to sell her to Nana, for sure they will get more than 500,000 baht.

I offer 500,001 ..............

Nothing to do with selling, just telling you the sort of figures people ask for for the weddings. No bodys selling anyone, these are'nt arranged marrages.

[duke69]

Wow like a beast market ..... when my daddy buys a sheep he talks in the same way.

In this case why don't they try to sell her to Nana, for sure they will get more than 500,000 baht.

I offer 500,001 ..............

Nothing to do with selling, just telling you the sort of figures people ask for for the weddings. No bodys selling anyone, these are'nt arranged marrages.

IS THAT SHE IN YOUR AVATAR??

NICE ANIMAL

[RamdomChances]

Her names "uewi" and yes i did buy her, but did'nt marry her

As opposed to my wife that i did marry but did'nt buy

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Her names "uewi" and yes i did buy her, but did'nt marry her

As opposed to my wife that i did marry but did'nt buy

No purchase, just a 30 year lease

[Heng]

Whether you get it back or not, it's still a dowry or sin sod. But yes, nowadays, one rarely hears of not getting it back, unless you marry into the lower classes (low not in a bad way, just poor) of society, that is. Let the girl handle all the discussion with her folks, if you get ripped, it's as much her fault as it is yours.

[pnustedt]

The date is now being arranged - Nov. 2005. The dowry has been discussed - talking about the equiv. of 2.5mill Baht. The groom is talking about moving into the step daughter's apartment (which I paid for).

The civil ceremony will be here in HK followed by village wedding near Sisaket.

[astral]

It is all about "Face".

The more money paid, the greater value the husband places on his wife.

Whether the money is retained afterwards is a totally different matter.

[SK1972]

Sorry............IF you are a FARANG, why do you want a dowry???????

Wouldnt it be better if your step daughter was happily married instead of you or your wife receiving money??? I dont think you should have any say either.........you are not her father.

[pnustedt]

Wouldnt it be better if your step daughter was happily married instead of you or your wife receiving money??

The two are not necessarily mutually exclusive

[SK1972]

True pnu....but he has indicated that whenever he brings the dowry thingy up.........the other party clams up.

Insisting or demanding dowry may cause a rift between the "happy couple"............... Better off letting the happy couple decide...

[SK1972]

RC, sorry.........as an Asian woman this sounds like buying livestock to me!!!!

I would say that up here, a well educated, nice looking girl with a good job and family, they would be asking for around 500,000 and 10-20 bht, where this was to be kept would be open to negotiation.

I would say that a thoroughbred Arab Stallion, 15 hands, with nice legs and a good body, they would be asking for 10-50k, open to negotiation............ alternatively you can have an Appaloosa, nice markings, 14 hands, yearling for 8k.............

[JimmyGreaves]

How much is this amount of Gold 10-20 bht?