Scousers

[2long]

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at Another man sitting on is own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, And not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until Suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a Pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for

the

Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:

"My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone.

It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he

lets

Go, the man's eyes widen in shock.

"Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's

a

Miracle."

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,

"Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.

``````````````

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the

Counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job".

The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got

One in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his

Nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around a big black

Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the

Meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their

Overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year".

The Scouser said "You're bullsh*tting me!"

The man behind the counter said "Well you started it!"

```````````````

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious

Object was discovered in a car.

It later turned out to be a tax disc.

`````````````````````

A Scouser walks into a bar in Manchester dressed up in his new Liverpool

Shirt and orders a drink before noticing a picture of Sir Matt Busby on

the

Wall.He was just about to leave when the barman says:

"Where do you think you're going?"

The Scouser replies: "I'm sorry, I just noticed Matt Busby there and I

think

I'd better leave,"

The barman says: "No no no. It's too late for that.

You've got to roll the

Dice Pal," The Scouser looks puzzled and says: "Roll the dice?"

The Barman replies: "Yeh. If you roll between 1 and 5 we kick the crap out

Of you,"

The Scouser says: "What if I roll a 6?"

The barman replies: "You get another go.."

`````````````````

A primary teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She

Asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The

teacher

Looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your

Hand?"

"Because I'm not a Liverpool fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not an Liverpool fan,

Then who are you a fan of?"

"I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, pray tell, are you a

Man Utd fan?"

"Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a

Man

Utd fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason

For you to be a Man Utd fan. You don't have to be just like your parents

all

Of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug

Addict, what would you be then?"

"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."

[kopite]

oh dear god

if only you had a brain lar