Have You Become A Recluse/hermit

[spasticated]

<br />after retiring from a hectic professional career years ago i found it quite relaxing to live a "reclused" life, i still enjoy that kind of life style and have no intention to change it. once in a while Mrs Naam is staging a small revolution. then i take her out of the house and the country for a week (we are presently in Macau) and that's it for some months to come <img src="style_emoticons/default/wink.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="" border="0" alt="wink.gif" /><br />

<br /><br /><br />

"

"Mrs Naam is staging a small revolution"

Surely just a good beating is needed here before it becomes too serious?

[micksterbs]

I've been introduced to a few farangs through my wife; teachers, mostly. It always feels a bit contrived and I get this feeling that people expect us to become bosom-pals simply because we're foreign. I tend to find these encounters a little embarassing, almost like a blind-date!

This is so true! Because foreigners are so few and far between where we are, every time we see one (a farang) my husband or others push me into some awkward bonding session. I'm quite a friendly person anyway but when everyone's pushing you into it, I just want to run away!

Yeah, Rue; I was beginning to worry that it was just me! The thing I ask myself is, would I do it if the situation were reversed? If we were living in England (and I lived in a small market-town, not a city with plenty of foreign students), would I introduce my wife to a Thai newcomer? Yeah, I probably would. I know they mean well when they do it but it still makes me feel a little bit on-the-spot.

[Naam]

<br />after retiring from a hectic professional career years ago i found it quite relaxing to live a "reclused" life, i still enjoy that kind of life style and have no intention to change it. once in a while Mrs Naam is staging a small revolution. then i take her out of the house and the country for a week (we are presently in Macau) and that's it for some months to come <img src="style_emoticons/default/wink.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="" border="0" alt="wink.gif" /><br />

<br /><br /><br />

"

"Mrs Naam is staging a small revolution"

Surely just a good beating is needed here before it becomes too serious?

when Mrs Naam is staging her revolutions i try each and everything to avoid HER beating ME

[Naam]

after retiring from a hectic professional career years ago i found it quite relaxing to live a "reclused" life, i still enjoy that kind of life style and have no intention to change it. once in a while Mrs Naam is staging a small revolution. then i take her out of the house and the country for a week (we are presently in Macau) and that's it for some months to come

You've taken your wife to Macau for a holiday and you're posting on Thaivisa - what's wrong with this picture!

why should there be something wrong? Hotel Venetian, nice suite, broadband connection, my lap top, half a bottle of portwine Mrs Naam occupying the bathroom for hours , television boring, result = reading and posting on Thaivisa.

[distortedlink]

Just before I came to live in Thailand 5 years ago, I was quite excited thinking about the many ways how my life would change once I am a resident in Chiang Mai and all the new friendly people I was going to meet, a complete restart to my life.

Well, 99% of my dream came true, except the part of meeting new friendly people.

My Thai neighbours and other Thai people I have met on my travels are wonderful people. But my Thai language capabilities are very limited and this does put a barrier between myself and my Thai friends when meeting on social occasions.

As for other English speaking Farangs I have met here, I found them inhospitable bordering on the plain ole nasty. I have actually attempted to say good morning or good afternoon to other Englishmen I have passed in the street only to receive the traditional Farang greeting of the flared left nostril and tight lipped stare.

I did once join an Ex pats club here in Chiang Mai. The whole meeting was an endurance of some loud mouthed American speaker rattling on for one and a half hours, then after the rant, had to withstand for the next 30 minutes a woman speaker trying to sell condos and when finished stood around being bombarded by some other members trying to sell me stuff for the next 10 minutes before everyone drifted off to wherever they were going. I was not impressed and after giving it one more try at a following meeting, I gave it up.

Now, before the wind up merchants start posting comments about seeking a new best friend, lonely hearts and all that crap, I am very happy living in Chiang Mai with my family, have many good acquaintances here that I have known for years, Thai and Farangs., but I have had to (like many others) find my own way around here. Back in England our close family friends used to invite us to dinner at their homes and vice versa for our social. Over here it`s the opposite.

My point is that for Farangs considering living long term in Thailand will not find any Farang support, advisories or communities here as these are not community minded people, plus new settlers to realize that if they are not into the bar scene, which has now become very expensive, or don't have families here, could find themselves living in isolation without persons to converse with in their native language.

For many, including myself these days, social has become watching DVDs and sitting in front of a computer for hours because farang social gatherings especially in Chiang Mai is practically non existent.

The farang population here is mostly made up from pockets of isolated loners living inside the main city and on the outskirts, old spaz firmly locked into their own worlds and long past being able to do a good old knees up or active solializing looking to play an occasional card game and some iffy young or middle aged farangs who strictly keep to their own clicks and are best not to get involved with.

Some farangs that I have met here have been living in isolation and home bound for so long, that given an opportunity to make out, they would need a blow lamp, a set of jump leads and a months notice to get going. I am worried that one day this may happen to me, so I keep my hand in, so to speak.

For farangs living in Chiang Mai, life can be good and enjoyed on ones own, which for many there is no other choice.

Edited March 16, 2008 by distortedlink

[jaideeguy]

Interesting feedback to my OP. it's reassuring that there others in the same situation as me.....being a 'solo sailor' and having to be self reliant and bonding with your family. Others seek superficial short time friendships in the bars and UP2U. Seen that done that and thank Buddah for this gadget that i'm typing on [and forums like thaivisa], otherwise i would have gone insane or had to return to the 'real' world that I left behind.

I'm beginning to realize that finding friendship is like finding love, it comes when you least expect it and the more you look for it, the harder it is to find.

Meanwhile, I'll just enjoy what I have with my family.

Thanks all.....

[distortedlink]

I am sure there is a need for some decent meeting clubs for ex pats in Thailand, especially in the cities with sizable ex pat populations, that could provide immigration, banking and Thai law issues advice and quality chat time without in your face speakers.

These would be a good business venture for any business entrepreneurs as the clubs would be well attended and much to be gained by all.

This has already happened in South Korea on a large scale whose government have realised that there is much to be gained by keeping their large ex pat communities contented and persuading them to invest their assets in that country.

Edited March 16, 2008 by distortedlink

[toptuan]

Real friends, you can call at 3 a.m. to bury some body that you just murdered, and they just need to ask where to meet you?

Yes, definitely a true test of friendship. Glad I haven't had to test it that way yet!

[cathyy]

My husband and I were both reclusive in the States, and we are reclusive here. Before we came a friend stayed with us for a month. In that month nobody called us, and we called nobody. Nobody came to visit, and we visited nobody. He said he knew then we'd be fine in Thailand. My sister is reclusive, my cousins are reclusive, my aunts were reclusive, my husband's father is reclusive. We like the Internet for communication. I talk to my daughter and a few friends daily.

We have met a few really wonderful people here, people we would have loved anywhere. Sometimes we get into a social whirl that leaves us yearning to be safely back home, alone. We try to be good friends to people, but we aren't the social type. Me particularly. I seem to get pretty much all the social interaction I need ordering my coffee from my favorite kiosk at The Mall.

Being a farang couple has benefits. There is no communication issue. Neither of us are going to talk your ear off if we see you at the bar, either, quite unlike a number of poor souls we have met. Some of them seem to be positively starved for English conversation.

[garro]

The great thing about internet friends is that they come with and off-switch.

[distortedlink]

My husband and I were both reclusive in the States, and we are reclusive here. Before we came a friend stayed with us for a month. In that month nobody called us, and we called nobody. Nobody came to visit, and we visited nobody. He said he knew then we'd be fine in Thailand. My sister is reclusive, my cousins are reclusive, my aunts were reclusive, my husband's father is reclusive. We like the Internet for communication. I talk to my daughter and a few friends daily.

We have met a few really wonderful people here, people we would have loved anywhere. Sometimes we get into a social whirl that leaves us yearning to be safely back home, alone. We try to be good friends to people, but we aren't the social type. Me particularly. I seem to get pretty much all the social interaction I need ordering my coffee from my favorite kiosk at The Mall.

Being a farang couple has benefits. There is no communication issue. Neither of us are going to talk your ear off if we see you at the bar, either, quite unlike a number of poor souls we have met. Some of them seem to be positively starved for English conversation.

The above is probably a bad example of what sort of ex pats come to settle in Thailand.

These are probably self indulgent elderly hang up your guns stick in the mud people who back in our home countries, we wouldn't bother to give them time of day and these people should be avoided here also.

Sooner or later, everyone needs the help of somebody, whether it is just for advice on how do I do this or that in Thailand? from people who have lived here longer, or the odd chat once in a while.

For those whose lives are revolved round a computer, why come to Thailand?

No one is expected to have to be the life and soul of the party or great hosts but for those considering settling here or already here, being polite and not anti social can enhance life for the rest of us ex pats living in a foreign land.

Edited March 16, 2008 by distortedlink

[Jockstar]

I could count my true friends on one hand before coming to Thailand.

My ole man used to say the same. But when he came to my wedding he changed his view. It was more like you could count your true friends on one hand from each country. I have many true friends from Oz, Nz LOs and the Uk. Real people i can count on. No matter what. Depends on the person you are.

[Ricardo]

If I admit that I have become more-reclusive, or a hermit, do I have to buy my own cave ?

[sendbaht]

"I have a lot more trusted friends here. Mainly due to quitting drinking and joining AA."

Good for you, I'm sure you can think of 12 good steps why this works for you.

[desi]

My husband and I were both reclusive in the States, and we are reclusive here. Before we came a friend stayed with us for a month. In that month nobody called us, and we called nobody. Nobody came to visit, and we visited nobody. He said he knew then we'd be fine in Thailand. My sister is reclusive, my cousins are reclusive, my aunts were reclusive, my husband's father is reclusive. We like the Internet for communication. I talk to my daughter and a few friends daily.

We have met a few really wonderful people here, people we would have loved anywhere. Sometimes we get into a social whirl that leaves us yearning to be safely back home, alone. We try to be good friends to people, but we aren't the social type. Me particularly. I seem to get pretty much all the social interaction I need ordering my coffee from my favorite kiosk at The Mall.

Being a farang couple has benefits. There is no communication issue. Neither of us are going to talk your ear off if we see you at the bar, either, quite unlike a number of poor souls we have met. Some of them seem to be positively starved for English conversation.

The above is probably a bad example of what sort of ex pats come to settle in Thailand.

These are probably self indulgent elderly hang up your guns stick in the mud people who back in our home countries, we wouldn't bother to give them time of day and these people should be avoided here also.

Sooner or later, everyone needs the help of somebody, whether it is just for advice on how do I do this or that in Thailand? from people who have lived here longer, or the odd chat once in a while.

For those whose lives are revolved round a computer, why come to Thailand?

No one is expected to have to be the life and soul of the party or great hosts but for those considering settling here or already here, being polite and not anti social can enhance life for the rest of us ex pats living in a foreign land.

Huh? You choose THAT as a bad example?

(shaking head)

And as far as being tied to the internet, who are you kidding? Have you looked around lately?

[rstrauss]

I have always been some sort of loner, not longing much for close friendship. I have my Thai wife and that is company enough. I lived up to 6 months in Thailand from 1999 to 2006 and learned the Thai language pretty well. Traveling around the country, i met a lot of friendly people, but in the end it is always the same, same phrases and questions. Since there are so many cheaters, you become suspicious of every friendly person. Now i have been in Switzerland for some time and it has been a good time. My wife enjoys it tremendously in Switzerland, she's currently at home in Nakhon Phanom to take care of her ailing father, but she misses the quietness of our life here!

[Scott]

One of the things that people need to remember is that as men get older, their social circle begins to diminish. By the time men are in their 40's, most have very few friends--instead they have co-workers. Relationships tend to be built around work. This may be a big reason why there is a high death rate for men within a year of retiring.

Women on the other hand, tend to keep friends for very long periods of time. My 90+ mother has had the best friend since she was in 3rd grade. Haven't seen each other for 70 years, but still correspond, phone, write etc.

In marriages/relationships, it is the wife who usually keeps the social life going--planning get togethers etc. Husbands go along and are often 'forced' to socialize with other husbands in the same situation. They may get along Ok, but they usually don't actually become friends. They may drink together and watch football while the women socialize. Men, if they do make social engagements, they are usually related to work--a client coming to town, the boss, a co-worker etc.

Now, these are generalizations, so there are exceptions. But if you look around you'll see a lot of men who are much more content to be reclusive as they get older.

So, am I more reclusive, absolutely. And about every two years or so, I notice I am spending more time alone--but not unhappy with it.

[Ijustwannateach]

Five years here, and I keep running into the same farang I met in 2003, and the farang and Thais I have met since then. Going to a party in an hour, to see two mates who replaced me at my second school. Spent Tuesday with an old Thai teacher. Even the folks at the swimming pool recognize me. But friends? Real friends, you can call at 3 a.m. to bury some body that you just murdered, and they just need to ask where to meet you? I never had many true blue real friends.

Awww, you know I'd help, but it's just so far to Chiang Mai. You'd have to give me a day's notice...

[Ijustwannateach]

One of the things that people need to remember is that as men get older, their social circle begins to diminish. By the time men are in their 40's, most have very few friends--instead they have co-workers. Relationships tend to be built around work. This may be a big reason why there is a high death rate for men within a year of retiring.

I think this is a model that is presented to people by their fathers in present-day nuclear-family society, but I don't think it's necessarily the way things have to be (or at least, less so for gay men than for straight). I find that I become more and more socially active as time passes; it takes almost as much of my day to attend to my social life as it does to attend to my work!

"S"

[Scott]

IJWTT: Yes, it is a generalization and therefore there are many, many exceptions. I periodically force myself to socialize because I look at my life and begin to see that reclusiveness is easier, but not necessarily healthy. It's a tendency to move in that direction for a lot of people.

The thing I see is that most of my 'friends', with the exception of a very small group of friends I've had for many years--and who I seldom see because of distance--most of my friends are a lot younger than me. They are the 20-30 somethings who are still "socially" active and call and come by. They have a huge social circle.

I have watched my other half's social circle begin to diminish. Ten years ago, it was huge. I couldn't remember everyone's names. Now, it's still large, but much fewer in number.

I do know a few expats who came to Thailand and went reclusive to much more social. They are just the exception.

I think for men, especially single (not whoring around) and gay men, it's important to keep up social contact and occasionally push oneself a little if needed.

[DB84]

I only met one decent bloke, a Dane, and he was one week away from going home.

Good choice, Danes are usually well balanced people

Back the the topic. I somewhat agree with the fact that expats tend to get very reclusive at some point during their stay. Especially when the bar-scene gets old.

But in all honesty, how many true friends would you make in your homecountry, in the course of your adult life? Not many probably and I think this applies here in LOS as well.

My personal experience is that true friends often are the ones which you met in elementary school until & including your high school/university years.

I am still relatively new to the concept of being an expat in Asia, as I have only been in Asia a total of 3 years (1 year in Indonesia, 1 year in China and 1 year in Thailand so far - occupational hazard). So I am one of the people that, hopefully until now, have been coming and going. But I have also witnessed people coming & going, so at some point you try to build immunity by not befriending people & creating bonds because you know that they most likely will disappear or get swallowed by the temptations at a certain point.

If we look at it from another angle. I work 50+ hours a week plus I recently got married to a beautiful & intelligent Indonesian woman, so I don't have so much time to maintain friendships. It is also difficult to find people you really connect with in LOS because there are so many different types of people here.

You have the big bulk of english teachers, whom I respect but I find it hard to find common interests which has an undeniable connection to time/money.

Then you have the retirees, who are often not in my "age range" & in a totally different stage of their lives.

Then you have the tourists..... I don't think I need to explain myself.

Lastly you have the people in the corporate world. Some are very occupied with family life & raising children and we don't have children yet. Others are consumed by the nightlife & women to the degree of obsession and they are mostly in a solo race or befriend other people who go out 4-5 times a week and sample a new girl every night.

I don't mind going out on occassion, I love a game of pool and a drink, as long as it is limited to once or twice a week tops.

According to above equation, that leaves couples or singles in the age range of 25-40 years old, who are in the corporate world/entrepeneurs and are without children and are able to control his/their nightlife activities. I do not see many of them around.

I have one single person I have met in LOS I would consider a friend, a great guy originally from the UK - I did have my concerns, as I have witnessed an ocean of uncivilized tourists from UK but seems like most of the ones who live here are good people And this guy pretty much fits into above "formula" from my vantage point.

Please don't take any of above statements personally. I know it is a very, thinly sliced conclusion, of course there are exceptions but it is as close as I can come to a "perfect formula" for a prospected friend here.

Edited March 17, 2008 by DB84

[BigSnake]

Somewhat of a HERMIT, but still like to have a beer or two with the boys and check out the ladies,

[spasticated]

<br />

<br />after retiring from a hectic professional career years ago i found it quite relaxing to live a &quot;reclused&quot; life, i still enjoy that kind of life style and have no intention to change it. once in a while Mrs Naam is staging a small revolution. then i take her out of the house and the country for a week (we are presently in Macau) and that's it for some months to come <img src="style_emoticons/default/wink.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="" border="0" alt="wink.gif" /><br />

<br /><br /><br /><br />"<br />"Mrs Naam is staging a small revolution"<br />Surely just a good beating is needed here before it becomes too serious?<br />

<br />when Mrs Naam is staging her revolutions i try each and everything to avoid HER beating ME <img src="style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" /><br />

<br /><br /><br />

Hmummmmmmph some people would happily pay "venetian" prices for a good beating instead......... so Ive been told! Happy holiday anyway Mr-Mrs Naam dont forget my postcard!!

[Jefferson]

I'm almost a complete recluse, to the point of actively avoiding people most of the time. Doesn't apply to most Thai people though.

Edited March 17, 2008 by Jefferson

[Insight]

Not sure myself. Preferred to get out there and meet new people in the first 2-3 years, but as girlx mentioned Thailand can be quite transient, and repeating the process with new people can start get slightly tedious.

Since getting married the amount of time spent socializing has took a bit of a hit, but I'm really not complaining I must be getting more reclusive...

[cobra]

... Real friends, you can call at 3 a.m. to bury some body that you just murdered, and they just need to ask where to meet you?

.... when I lived in the Bronx, a late night call may in fact entail just such a scenario, ... hey, fagid abowd it, ...

But yes, a true blue friend will help first, and ask questions later,

[Naam]

<br />

<br />after retiring from a hectic professional career years ago i found it quite relaxing to live a &quot;reclused&quot; life, i still enjoy that kind of life style and have no intention to change it. once in a while Mrs Naam is staging a small revolution. then i take her out of the house and the country for a week (we are presently in Macau) and that's it for some months to come <img src="style_emoticons/default/wink.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="" border="0" alt="wink.gif" /><br />

<br /><br /><br /><br />"<br />"Mrs Naam is staging a small revolution"<br />Surely just a good beating is needed here before it becomes too serious?<br />

<br />when Mrs Naam is staging her revolutions i try each and everything to avoid HER beating ME <img src="style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" /><br />

<br /><br /><br />

Hmummmmmmph some people would happily pay "venetian" prices for a good beating instead......... so Ive been told! Happy holiday anyway Mr-Mrs Naam dont forget my postcard!!

we are leaving for the airport in an hour. it was indeed a relaxing week. once in a while Mrs Naam gets it right without any beating

[Mobi]

Many of us have settled in Thailand after a lifetime of living and working overseas in different parts of the world.

I first became an expat worker way back in the 60’s when a vast majority of Brits had hardly ever even been abroad on holiday, let alone uprooting themselves from their home towns to go abroad to live and work. Folks in those days were quite parochial and couldn’t understand why I wanted to go and live in places like Nigeria or Indonesia.

I was barely 21 when I first left the UK, and at that time, like most young people I had a wide circle of friends, all hailing from the place that I grew up in. But it wasn’t long before I lost contact with nearly all of them. When I went home I would look them up – but I had moved on, and so had they.

Wherever I went in the world I would make new friends, some of them very good friends who I would trust with my life, but inevitably the process of moving on from one continent to another meant that I would lose contact – mainly due to laziness on my part to make the effort to keep in touch. Of course we didn’t have the convenience of emails etc which would have made the business of keeping in touch so much easier.

I personally believe that the older you get, the more difficult it is to make new friends. One gets more set in ways and one has less tolerance for fools, whereas years ago I would probably have been more open minded.

I lived and worked in Thailand from the mid seventies to the early eighties, and had a good circle of farang friends here – all working in Bangkok. Many of those friends have long since gone, but when I returned to live permanently here some 5 years ago, I was surprised how many of them were still here. Some had fallen on bad times, but others were doing fine. I had managed to keep in touch with many during the intervening 30 years, as I was a frequent visitor to Thailand, even though I didn’t live here permanently. Before I returned, 3 of my Thai based farang friends had already passed away – all in their fifties, and all due to alcohol related illnesses. In the past two years 3 more have passed away, all my age (61) and again alcohol was the main culprit. Of those remaining, one has been on the point of death more times than I can remember due to a ruined liver, and another only calls me when he needs help or money, or both. I was actually surprised and disappointed how often I was ‘used’ by these old so-called ‘mates’, and was one of the reasons that I decided to move to Pattaya some 3 years ago.

Since settling down in my little “paradise’, some 15 kms from Pattaya, I admit I have struggled in the friendship stakes. I have met a lot of farangs, and every time I let my guard down, I realized that they just wanted to ‘use’ me, or cheat me. It seems like nearly every farang in Pattaya requires a commission for helping or advising you, or giving you information, that would be free anywhere else in the world.

I am not too bothered. I have my wife, my step son, two maids and a cook, and I have frequent visits by various members of the wife’s family – from babies to grand mothers, and I get on well with them all and enjoy their company. Fortunately I can speak passable Thai, so although we can’t have in depth conversations on the political situation or philosophy, we can chat and have a laugh.

Then there is my computer (I listen to BBC radio daily) my books, my television (S. African Sports channels, UBC, Cable and a ready supply of DVD’s from Tuk Com), my photography, my music, and I take frequent trips around Thailand and overseas (last year Vietnam, Malaysia, Australia, Singapore); and then my own family and a couple of remaining friends from the old country come to visit now and then, so life is never dull – even without friends.

But recently, I have even made a few friends – some through the auspices of this forum, and others at the friendly bars that are scattered around the lake. They are all residents out here in Mabprachan so there is less chance that they will up and move,and not many 'lager louts'.

So am I recluse? Probably – but a happy one.

I think

[jaideeguy]

Interesting and insightful post mobi.........

especially,

"I personally believe that the older you get, the more difficult it is to make new friends. One gets more set in ways and one has less tolerance for fools, whereas years ago I would probably have been more open minded."

It just dawned on me that I'm 60 now and I HAVE become less tolerant [of fools] in my ways and will stop feeling sorry for myself and enjoy my solitude, as 'I' am my best friend and it is 'I' that 'I' have to live with.

but, it does get lonely sometimes......

"So am I recluse? Probably – but a happy one"

and I try to be a happy camper as well. I could be stuck in the states with a fat white bitch that thinks her pee is champaigne. ......been there, don't wanna go back.

[Beardog]

after retiring from a hectic professional career years ago i found it quite relaxing to live a "reclused" life, i still enjoy that kind of life style and have no intention to change it. once in a while Mrs Naam is staging a small revolution. then i take her out of the house and the country for a week (we are presently in Macau) and that's it for some months to come

You've taken your wife to Macau for a holiday and you're posting on Thaivisa - what's wrong with this picture!

why should there be something wrong? Hotel Venetian, nice suite, broadband connection, my lap top, half a bottle of portwine Mrs Naam occupying the bathroom for hours , television boring, result = reading and posting on Thaivisa.

Ahh a perfect way to recluse. That Port sure sounds good -have a sweet vacation!!!