Common Values

[aries27]

In seeking a partner, especially for permanent or long term, how important is it that your partner share common values with you? Like honesty, fairness, belief in justice and equality, basic democratic and human rights, as well as hard work, desire for power, wealth, success, or whatever values you hold, good or not-so. Do you compromise or are these non-negotiables? Thanks...

Edited July 1, 2008 by aries27

[JOHN2]

Not important at all.

[MSingh]

Not important at all.

How on Earth do you work that out ??

[JOHN2]

Not important at all.

How on Earth do you work that out ??

Opposites attract pal!

[William Osborne]

In seeking a partner, especially for permanent or long term, how important is it that your partner share common values with you? Like honesty, fairness, belief in justice and equality, basic democratic and human rights, as well as hard work, desire for power, wealth, success, or whatever values you hold, good or not-so. Do you compromise or are these non-negotiables? Thanks...

the values you have listed are pretty commom to most normal people.

You would hardly seek out a partner who's values are - dishonesty, unfairness, belief in injustice and inequailty, being lazy, no desire to work or get anywhere in life...

[dumball]

In seeking a partner, especially for permanent or long term, how important is it that your partner share common values with you? Like honesty, fairness, belief in justice and equality, basic democratic and human rights, as well as hard work, desire for power, wealth, success, or whatever values you hold, good or not-so. Do you compromise or are these non-negotiables? Thanks...

[/quote

You would most likely need to get involved with six females to get all of those qualities under one roof at the same time .

[JOHN2]

I think the OP may be regretting this fred now

[GuestHouse]

I firmly believe that shared common values are extremely important, though I'd go further than the values shared by the couple and extend that out into the wider families on both sides of the relationship.

OK if you are talking about short term relationships then I don't think values matter so much, but when it comes down to marriage, building a life together and raising a family then I think shared common values are paramount.

The reason I extend that to the wider family is precisely because raising children is the job of the wider family and importantly as we mature we almost all of us 'return' (if we have ever been away) to the values we learned at home.

---

While I agree that the values mentioned are common, and I'd agree are found in most people, it is when conflicts and choices arise that 'real shared values' come into play.

[MSingh]

Not important at all.

How on Earth do you work that out ??

Opposites attract pal!

Yeah i suppose you're right, for the first 6 months anyway...

[aries27]

no john2, i am not regretting asking this question.

i genuinely believe that having the same values is important but of course, it is not the only thing to look for in a partner... don't need to elaborate. i just want to know how many people feel the same way.

of course, i cited a lot of values and it could be hard to find that in one particular person. maybe one overriding value and the rest could be secondary... or something like that.. i believe one can possess as many good values as one wants.

also, i do not necessarily mean values are always morally right. is there such an immoral value? ... like if both of you partners are workaholics, or aim to be powerful or rich (no matter what) or like to party (not necessarily bad but to some people, it may also not be good), but at least you share it, wouldn't that be a factor in sustaining long relationships?

anyway sorry john2 if this post did not sit well with you. again IMO, to some people, sharing common values is not that important.. so it is not that bad.

yes, values would be an overriding concern to some people.. not necessarily background (race, education, age, etc.. )

different strokes for different folks...

[girlx]

i have learned from experience that common values are the MOST important aspect of a long term relationship. difficult to find that when living amidst a totally different culture though, which i assume is the reason you posted this on a board about thailand.

[JOHN2]

aries - if that's what you believe then it shouldn't matter what others think,yet you still asked the Q.

[bkkjames]

i have learned from experience that common values are the MOST important aspect of a long term relationship. difficult to find that when living amidst a totally different culture though, which i assume is the reason you posted this on a board about thailand.

I am guessing the OP means as it refers to Thailand, and if I may assume, between a farang male and thai female.

In my experience, musts for common ground with a Thai female are these:

1) You d*ck her and only her - butterflies need not apply

2) You and her must come to an understanding regarding food - they say a way to a man's heart is through his gut, this applies to Thai women as well. Share her love for Thai food while slowing showing her the virtues of food beyond Thai and you are on your way to making her happy.

3) Understand that Time in Thailand has a different meaning for Time in the West.

4) Don't try to convert her to your religeon.

5) If she sees a ghost - believe her...gives you a chance to hold her close

6) Familes here are closer than families there. No point in trying to convince her that her family is full of BS. Never win that battle...don't even try.

7) Never come home empty handed. In other words, if you are going on the piss with your mates and arrive home late, always bring something home for the Mrs, her fav food, new shoes and the like. Trust me, you will get to sleep faster.

8) Academy Fantasia is forbidden - if I have to comply with all of the above - she needs to know that we don't allow that kind of crap in my house.

9) Money - a tricky issue - on one hand you may feel obliged to support her, but on the other hand you don't want to support the whole family. Solution, make it very clear from the start the ground rules for supporting kids, dads, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles. If this means an allowance so be it. Just promise her X amount a month, and let her divi it up amongst those in her clan.

10) Housework - come to an understanding as to who does what when. I cook, she cleans the dishes. I do the floors, she does the bathroom. I take out the garbage, she fetches the laundry.

[teacup]

There has to be some commonality in the relationship...be it values, morals, goals, etc. Those tend to be a good bonding factors in any long lasting relationship.

But all in all I have to say more likely any successful relationships are those where both parties are also similar in age and social economic background. For this group, I don’t think it is snobbery, it just boils down to having the similar values, goals, including opinions and most of all, the similar life experiences, if that what they think are very important to them. For us, because of those similarities, that’s why our marriage has been working quite well for the past 22 yrs.

But of course out there, there will always be differences as well. And the differences are what make us unique and perhaps attractive to each other , for some. I think opposite attract only works for those that have high tolerance threshold for that and don’t look at differences in a negative way. But otherwise stay away from differences!

[roygsd]

Not important at all.

How on Earth do you work that out ??

Hi

John2's recent posting " I cant keep my d... in my pants" may answer your question

Roy gsd

[astral]

When I got married I was amazed at how often my Thai wife and I were thinking

along the same lines, despite our different backgrounds. I am British.

[JOHN2]

When I got married I was amazed at how often my Thai wife and I were thinking

along the same lines, despite our different backgrounds. I am British.

As long as you're not sniffing the same lines

[egg6447]

sure common ground is a must. as another poster remarked my wife and i often think the same thing, have the same views, without a word being spoken. which also answers some of the questions like does your wife stimulate you and can you converse with your partner. well there more to communicating than speech or waving your hands around. so some common ground is a must. it sometimes amazes me that with no education to speak of my wife shows some admiral insights to the , for me, the obvious . i call it humanenous .

[egg6447]

sure common ground is a must. as another poster remarked my wife and i often think the same thing, have the same views, without a word being spoken. which also answers some of the questions like does your wife stimulate you and can you converse with your partner. well there more to communicating than speech or waving your hands around. so some common ground is a must. it sometimes amazes me that with no education to speak of my wife shows some admiral insights to the , for me, the obvious . i call it humanenous . long may we find common ground.

[ade100]

In seeking a partner, especially for permanent or long term, how important is it that your partner share common values with you? Like honesty, fairness, belief in justice and equality, basic democratic and human rights, as well as hard work, desire for power, wealth, success, or whatever values you hold, good or not-so. Do you compromise or are these non-negotiables? Thanks...

I think it is both important to hold common values and to compromise on them…to some extent. The list you give is a good start but possibly rather Western. I know my Thai GF has thrown a few extra values into the mix like, not wanting to lose face, always being there for your family, not working too hard unless you really have to, respecting ludicrous old wives tails and half-baked superstitions…

[feffejonsson]

Sharing the same fundamental values is very important. It´s just as important as the ability to compromise!

Edited July 9, 2008 by feffejonsson

[Valjean]

I think values are just part of it and perhaps not the most important part. There are some non-negotiable values like honesty but there are others; religious, social, etc. that people don’t share but have good relationship. I read one research study awhile back that found that personality type was a more important factor than shared values.

There are personality or behavioral types; take Myers-Briggs or whatever, that I think are more fundamental than the values that are overlaid on the personality. Opposites can attract – and in fact I’ve learned in the workplace it’s essential I hire my opposites to balance the team. However, in a relationship there are some combinations of behavioral types that are more problematic than others.

[Heng]

Opposites attract but like values keep relationships on even keel.