Quality Of Life For Impending Expat Wife In Phuket

[henrytuttle]

I'm an American living overseas considering retiring in Phuket. My wife and I love Phuket but we have serious concerns about our social life once we move. I'm okay. I've met plenty of interesting guys in Thailand and I'm not all that social anyway. We're concerned about the quality of social life that my wife is likely to have.

How difficult will it be for my wife to find western women to socialize with? Are there many living in Phuket? What percentage of men living in Thailand do you think have western wives or girlfriends? How common are western women either living alone or with Thai men in Phuket?

And what about everyday activities? Aerobics and yoga classes? Tennis? Card games and BBQs with friends?

As far as socializing with Thai wives/girlfriends, that has its own set of problems. It's not just the language - that's hard enough. The problem is that, as far as I know, most(?) of the expat men who live in Thailand are married to or have girlfriends who are Thai. And, how to put this delicately, that most of these girls have worked in the "entertainment" industry? I'm sure these girls are fine, decent human beings. But, how to become friends with them? It's not just their previous lifestyles. I'm sure my wife would even find it difficult to relate to a party animal with a wild past who came from the same background and country as she did. But a girl from a village who had an 8th grade education and grew up in a completely different culture and who speaks English as a second language, that sounds almost impossible. I mean, honestly, how many expat men have more than a one or two GOOD Thai friends?

I hope this doesn't sound "racist" or "prejudiced." I've lived overseas most of my life (14 countries at last count). I'm just trying to be realistic. Different cultures, socio-economic backgrounds, education, and language aren't impossible problems to overcome. Just possible more difficult than it's worth taking on when you're trying to live a quiet, comfortable life.

[GaiYaang]

Have you decided where you want to live. Your first 2 posts in Bangkok and Phuket with similar question.

You just change the word Bangkok/Phuket.

Bangkok forum

http://www.thaivisa.com/forum/Quality-Life...fe-t197953.html

Phuket forum

http://www.thaivisa.com/forum/Quality-Life...13#entry2065813

Nice Try.

[donna]

there are international womens groups who meet weekly at starbucks in central shopping centre i think.

i dont think that people will take too kindly to you saying that their wives/girlfriends are all ex working girls, as this is simply not the case. that comment is quite unfair and unqualified, so i do suggest that you dont start off with that kind of attitude.

there are many western women living alone or with partners in phuket and i am sure that your wife would find plenty to do during the days. there are tennis clubs, yoga and aerobics everywhere.

[HDRIDER]

I hope this doesn't sound "racist" or "prejudiced."

you do/it does

Edited July 3, 2008 by HDRIDER

[vanalli]

Maybe check out the place and culture before you decide to move here?

[slackula]

Retire to Florida instead.

[Sir Burr]

One of the biggest potential problems for the female of a western couple retiring in Phuket, is getting dumped by her partner for a local lass twenty years younger.

It happens.

[LivinginKata]

One of the biggest potential problems for the female of a western couple retiring in Phuket, is getting dumped by her partner for a local lass twenty years younger.

It happens.

I've heard of the Farang husband being dumped by wife for a young Thai man. What's good for the goose is good for the gander ..... What is universal is that the Farang partner will be sucked financially dry by the Thai partner.... and then dumped when money runs out. Buyer beware .... Sorry, bit off topic.

[LivinLOS]

My mother tried it out here for 9 months or so... The whole situation made her clinically depressed and even back home now for a year she still is suffering but improving again.

We tried to get her connected to womens groups, social things, etc but she didnt connect with anything. Add in the anxiety of Thai traffic and roads, and then because of her anxiety and nervousness Thais saw that and ripped her off (200 baht watermelon slices etc) it became a vicious cycle feeding off itself and getting worse. Now of course part of that is who you are anyway, confidence, forceful, ability to stand up for not being taken advantage off etc.. But however you slice it, the whole experience gave her a breakdown.

Finding social outlets for her was very tough.

[LeungKen]

'

If you are in a position to do so, I would recomend a trial period of at least 1 year to see if you can cope with a full low-season in Phuket.

Also, there are many that I know who spend half a year here and half a year in Europe, is that a possibility for you ? As this may be the solution to your problem then you can enjoy the best of both worlds.

Just a couple of thoughts,

Cheers & Good Luck.

[fiddlehead]

First of all, i don't see why posting the same question in different forums should make any difference or be a reason for someone to come down on you.

Post what you want, where you want. I don't see that it is breaking anyone's rules.

I do think it can be a problem. I have known a few western women who come here and get frustrated by the cultural differences and leave.

Thailand can be a lot different experience for a man than it is for a woman. There are cultural differences that can discrimminate between the sexes.

I think you pose an interesting and legitimate question and it perhaps wise to seek this out beforehand.

I wouldn't buy any property until you are sure your wife is going to be happy here.

Come on down and try it and rent for a while and you will find out.

There are places where western woman go but I am not familiar with your wife's age and interests to recommend anything.

[huggybear]

I'm an American living overseas considering retiring in Phuket. My wife and I love Phuket but we have serious concerns about our social life once we move. I'm okay. I've met plenty of interesting guys in Thailand and I'm not all that social anyway. We're concerned about the quality of social life that my wife is likely to have.

How difficult will it be for my wife to find western women to socialize with? Are there many living in Phuket? What percentage of men living in Thailand do you think have western wives or girlfriends? How common are western women either living alone or with Thai men in Phuket?

And what about everyday activities? Aerobics and yoga classes? Tennis? Card games and BBQs with friends?

As far as socializing with Thai wives/girlfriends, that has its own set of problems. It's not just the language - that's hard enough. The problem is that, as far as I know, most(?) of the expat men who live in Thailand are married to or have girlfriends who are Thai. And, how to put this delicately, that most of these girls have worked in the "entertainment" industry? I'm sure these girls are fine, decent human beings. But, how to become friends with them? It's not just their previous lifestyles. I'm sure my wife would even find it difficult to relate to a party animal with a wild past who came from the same background and country as she did. But a girl from a village who had an 8th grade education and grew up in a completely different culture and who speaks English as a second language, that sounds almost impossible. I mean, honestly, how many expat men have more than a one or two GOOD Thai friends?

I hope this doesn't sound "racist" or "prejudiced." I've lived overseas most of my life (14 countries at last count). I'm just trying to be realistic. Different cultures, socio-economic backgrounds, education, and language aren't impossible problems to overcome. Just possible more difficult than it's worth taking on when you're trying to live a quiet, comfortable life.

Ever heard the expression "bringing sand to the beach"?

For your relationship, recipe for disaster. But maybe that's the plan Mr. Tuttle?

[stuandchris]

Ridiculous Huggybear,

I live here happily with my farang wife, maybe tarring everyone with your own brush?

Quite easy to keep it in your pants when you grow up.

[huggybear]

Ridiculous Huggybear,

I live here happily with my farang wife, maybe tarring everyone with your own brush?

Quite easy to keep it in your pants when you grow up.

Good for you pal.

I've just heard of a lot more disasters than successes in this situation.

Edited July 3, 2008 by huggybear

[stuandchris]

If you are not tarring eveyone with your own brush your initial comment is nonsense.

As is your final sentence in post 2.

Cheers

[huggybear]

If you are not tarring eveyone with your own brush your initial comment is nonsense.

As is your final sentence in post 2.

Cheers

Your logic is lost on me, but it doesn't really matter.

I've edited one post for it's inappropriateness.

Regards,

HB

[stuandchris]

No probs HG,

My logic is lost on me sometimes!

[ClaytonSeymour]

Ridiculous Huggybear,

I live here happily with my farang wife, maybe tarring everyone with your own brush?

Quite easy to keep it in your pants when you grow up.

For you, perhaps, but certainly not for others.

I'm with HB on this.

[henrytuttle]

Thanks for the replies.

As someone mentioned in an early post, I'm posting to both Phuket and Bangkok forums because I'm considering living in both places. I'm also replying in both places so that it's more convenient to follow my replies.

My apologies to GaiYaang for using cut and paste when replacing the word Bangkok with Phuket. In the future, I'll try to type everything in from scratch.

:-)

As far as my being "off the mark" goes, to be honest, maybe so. I don't have much experience with expats in Thailand. Hence the post. The few (maybe a 20-30 or so in the past 10 years) mostly had Thai wives/girlfriends. If many expats don't have Thai wives and girlfriends, then I'm wrong.

However, I'm sensing that's not the source of irritation for some of the more hostile replies.

I didn't want to fully explain myself as that would take an entry resembling a chapter in a book. However, these are a few points of how I see things in Thailand. Again, apologies if I'm "off the mark." Please tell me if you think I'm wrong.

1) I love the Thai people. It's one of the main reasons I'd choose to settle down in Thailand versus Malaysia. Malaysia is arguably just as nice in many ways, but perhaps a little easier. However, primarily because of the Thai people, Thailand is a far better choice for me than Malaysia.

2) It's not about being friendly with someone, it's about making "friends." People you'd want to hang out with on a regular basis. Most expats who have Thai wives have very few Thai male friends. Is it because Thai males are so different from Thai females, or because without the sex/romantic element, the cultural differences are too big to overcome.

3) The, admittedly few, expats with Thai wives/gf I've met have very different relationships with them than westerners have with girls from back home. Perhaps this is part of the attraction. But most don't watch TV together, read the same books, discuss politics, etc. That's not to say they have bad relationships. It's just different from the kind of relationship they'd have with someone from back home.

Anyway, the point being that I love Thailand. My wife loves Thailand. But, I'm just trying to figure out whether she would fit in.

Am I wrong that more than half the expat men in Thailand who have wives/girlfriends have Thai wives/girlfriends?

Also, I'm just realizing that when I say I've met 20-30 expats, I'm counting expats outside of Thailand who have Thai wives. That would, of course, skew the percentage.

So what percentage do you all think it is? Approximately what percentage of expat men in Thailand who have wives/girlfriends have THAI wives or girlfriends? 20%? 50%? 80%?

As far as why I'm looking at Bangkok, it's because of the lack of social activities outside of the home. I love Phuket and we holiday there all the time. However, my wife thinks that actually living there might not be as comfortable as holidaying there. I'm looking at Patong because I think it would be good for my visiting friends and family. But there are no fitness clubs, cooking classes, etc. Consequently, we're thinking of perhaps moving to Bangkok and spending a week or so out of the month in Phuket.

I would consider living part of the time outside of Thailand (six months in/six out) but that seems a rather disruptive lifestyle.

Also, as to my using the word "most" instead of many about expats with Thai girlfriends/wives. I used most to express more than half - or a majority. "Many" seems to be so vague and could mean anything.

Again thanks for the replies. I knew that my post might get some negative responses, but I was hoping that enough people would understand the sentiment. If my ignorance has offended, my apologies.

[henrytuttle]

there are international womens groups who meet weekly at starbucks in central shopping centre i think.

i dont think that people will take too kindly to you saying that their wives/girlfriends are all ex working girls, as this is simply not the case. that comment is quite unfair and unqualified, so i do suggest that you dont start off with that kind of attitude.

there are many western women living alone or with partners in phuket and i am sure that your wife would find plenty to do during the days. there are tennis clubs, yoga and aerobics everywhere.

Well, again, honestly, I could be way off the mark. None of the Thai women I've met who I guess used to be bar girls talk about or display pictures of their former lives.

But, first of all, I didn't imply "all of them" were working girls. I said most of them. Again, when I say most, I mean more than half. Also, I probably wouldn't mention this to them in person. This is the type of thing you might say in a somewhat anonymous setting, not in a dinner party.

However, I think we've all met the typical Thai girl. Proper. Well mannered. And mostly discrete in dress and action. Bar girls seem to be another species entirely. Their brash dress and manner makes them stand out amongst other Thai women.

Consequently, when I meet a Thai girl who behaves that way, I tend to think that she's more than likely an ex-working girl.

This isn't to say they aren't good, decent people. I firmly believe that many westerners would make the same decisions if faced with the choices that these girls were faced with. However, that just adds one more layer of complication in an already complicated situation to establishing a closer relationship.

I appreciate your helpful information and apologize if I've offended. I'm not trying to offend, I'm trying to be realistic.

I have nothing against working girls and have befriended many in my past. But I think my reasons for befriending them are entirely different from the reasons my wife would have.

[LivinLOS]

If you are not tarring eveyone with your own brush your initial comment is nonsense.

As is your final sentence in post 2.

Cheers

While I agree that it shouldnt be...

Statistically theres no question Huggy has the odds on..

[henrytuttle]

The whole point of my post might be moot.

It's only been one day since my posts and I've had dozens of replies. Looking more carefully at the posters, I'm noticing that there are people with 700, 2000, 5000 posts??? I've spent the better part of an afternoon doing this and I've got 6.

OH MY GOD! Who's got time for a social life! I'll just get my wife a computer and let her post and reply to posts all day!

But seriously, the liveliness of the expat community online says alot for the level of involvement of the expat community. I'm just hoping that doesn't mean that people stay home and on the computer because there's nothing happening outside.

[ClaytonSeymour]

there are international womens groups who meet weekly at starbucks in central shopping centre i think.

i dont think that people will take too kindly to you saying that their wives/girlfriends are all ex working girls, as this is simply not the case. that comment is quite unfair and unqualified, so i do suggest that you dont start off with that kind of attitude.

there are many western women living alone or with partners in phuket and i am sure that your wife would find plenty to do during the days. there are tennis clubs, yoga and aerobics everywhere.

Well, again, honestly, I could be way off the mark. None of the Thai women I've met who I guess used to be bar girls talk about or display pictures of their former lives.

But, first of all, I didn't imply "all of them" were working girls. I said most of them. Again, when I say most, I mean more than half. Also, I probably wouldn't mention this to them in person. This is the type of thing you might say in a somewhat anonymous setting, not in a dinner party.

However, I think we've all met the typical Thai girl. Proper. Well mannered. And mostly discrete in dress and action. Bar girls seem to be another species entirely. Their brash dress and manner makes them stand out amongst other Thai women.

Consequently, when I meet a Thai girl who behaves that way, I tend to think that she's more than likely an ex-working girl.

This isn't to say they aren't good, decent people. I firmly believe that many westerners would make the same decisions if faced with the choices that these girls were faced with. However, that just adds one more layer of complication in an already complicated situation to establishing a closer relationship.

I appreciate your helpful information and apologize if I've offended. I'm not trying to offend, I'm trying to be realistic.

I have nothing against working girls and have befriended many in my past. But I think my reasons for befriending them are entirely different from the reasons my wife would have.

Unless you've got an open relationship & you're free to seek gratification elsewhere, this comment in itself might suggest that your marriage will be in trouble should you move to Thailand.

[fiddlehead]

So what percentage do you all think it is? Approximately what percentage of expat men in Thailand who have wives/girlfriends have THAI wives or girlfriends? 20%? 50%? 80%?

If I put together my top 10 farang friends who are men, 7 have Thai wives/girlfriends, two are single, and one has a farang wife.

His wife is very interesting and an artist. She seems to have her farang women friends that she does things with. She has a career and stays busy i believe.

Once someone told me a story about a man traveling and thinking about settling down. He stopped in a town and asked what appeared to be a wise man: "How is it here? Are the people friendly? Honest? Sincere? "

The wise man answered: "How where the people where you come from?"

Traveler replied: Not very friendly or honest"

Wise man: "Well that's about how they are here too" ............and the traveler moved on.

Then another man came to the same town a few months later and was thinking of staying also and asked the wise man: "How is it here?"

The wise man asked how it was where he came from

and he replied: "Pretty good, honest people who are friendly and sincere"

Then the wise man said: "That's about how it is here too"

(I hope that makes sense, that's from memory and the original author did a much better job than me on the story.)

I do believe your wife should come here and see for herself. Personally i think Patong is not the best place to start a loving relationship with Phuket (especially for a farang woman)

[henrytuttle]

Unless you've got an open relationship & you're free to seek gratification elsewhere, this comment in itself might suggest that your marriage will be in trouble should you move to Thailand.

Well, that was like 10-20 years ago.

And how many farang men who have ended up settling in Thailand do you think have never tasted the forbidden fruit here? I've had it and found it less than completely fulfilling. I think those who haven't tasted the fruit might be more likely to do so.

At the age of forty, I've retired. And rather than buy a yacht and sail around with an ever changing bevy of beauties, I got married.

Now I spend my time and energy hunting for a place for me and my lovely wife to settle. I battle with the forces of darkness (i.e. nasty reply posts) to find my beloved a warm and nurturing place to live.

I want to live in Thailand because of the foot massages, not the other kind. The warm weather and warmer smiles. Not the beer and pu**y.

[henrytuttle]

If I put together my top 10 farang friends who are men, 7 have Thai wives/girlfriends, two are single, and one has a farang wife.

His wife is very interesting and an artist. She seems to have her farang women friends that she does things with. She has a career and stays busy i believe.

Once someone told me a story about a man traveling and thinking about settling down. He stopped in a town and asked what appeared to be a wise man: "How is it here? Are the people friendly? Honest? Sincere? "

The wise man answered: "How where the people where you come from?"

Traveler replied: Not very friendly or honest"

Wise man: "Well that's about how they are here too" ............and the traveler moved on.

Then another man came to the same town a few months later and was thinking of staying also and asked the wise man: "How is it here?"

The wise man asked how it was where he came from

and he replied: "Pretty good, honest people who are friendly and sincere"

Then the wise man said: "That's about how it is here too"

(I hope that makes sense, that's from memory and the original author did a much better job than me on the story.)

I do believe your wife should come here and see for herself. Personally i think Patong is not the best place to start a loving relationship with Phuket (especially for a farang woman)

Thank you. That's the first number I've gotten. 10%. Actually lower than I would have expected and still justifying the word MOST for Farangs having Thai gf/wife.

Anyway, as I've mentioned, when we come for a few weeks as a tourist, all we meet are tourists. And even if we stayed for a few months, how would we meet all these wonderful expats with foreign wives? I don't work. My wife doesn't work. And for the most part, we only leave the house to get fresh DVDs.

Thank god for bulletin boards such as this! I was beginning to fear I'd have to leave the house! (I might be coming down with a mild case of agoraphobia)

[Boo]

there are several expat women posting here who live in Bangkok & Phuket. Some are single, some with farang partners/husbands & some with thai husbands.

I think the advice to come & stay for a year in one place to see if you can cope year round is the best advice. Thailand is a totally different prospect when living fulltime as apposed to a 2 week holiday. dealing with telephone companies, maintenance firms, household staff, general boredom in rainy season.

So come & rent a house, stay for a year, look around, get a feel for the place, see if the Mrs likes it & if it works & you both settle then alls good but if not then you haven't lost anything except time ( & sounds like you have some to spare, lucky souls) and can move to another place & try it there.

But as another poster mentioned, our ladies section is also there for more specific lady questions from your wife (and you of course!)

[henrytuttle]

So come & rent a house, stay for a year, look around, get a feel for the place, see if the Mrs likes it & if it works & you both settle then alls good but if not then you haven't lost anything except time ( & sounds like you have some to spare, lucky souls) and can move to another place & try it there.

But as another poster mentioned, our ladies section is also there for more specific lady questions from your wife (and you of course!)

Thank you. I'm beginning to think that might be the best option. But, Phuket or Bangkok? That's the question.

I'll have my wife come here and check out the site. I've already spent the better part of a day here.

I've been in chat rooms that have less activity.

[Boo]

I've been in chat rooms that have less activity.

we aren't the largest expat forum in the world for nothing you know

[Royale]

So come & rent a house, stay for a year, look around, get a feel for the place, see if the Mrs likes it & if it works & you both settle then alls good but if not then you haven't lost anything except time ( & sounds like you have some to spare, lucky souls) and can move to another place & try it there.

But as another poster mentioned, our ladies section is also there for more specific lady questions from your wife (and you of course!)

Thank you. I'm beginning to think that might be the best option. But, Phuket or Bangkok? That's the question.

I'll have my wife come here and check out the site. I've already spent the better part of a day here.

I've been in chat rooms that have less activity.

It's almost impossible for anyone to say whether your wife will be happy here in Thailand. If she's lucky she might make some nice friends, i've been here almost 14 years and have made very few what i call "good friends". In my experience i've found the Thai ladies that i've met to be very imature and to be honest not too good when it's come to deep meaningful converstations. I personally don't care if someone has or does work in a bar or in a bank, i've mixed with many and have found Thailand to be a nation of children, but i can only speak for myself.

The weather, and my quality of life is what keeps me here although i really do miss my good friends back home.

There's plenty to do here in Phuket, don't know about Bangkok. I agree that it would be a good idea to try it for a year,rent somewhere, whatever you do , don't burn your bridges!

There does seem to have been an increase of female expats over the past 5 years, single and married, she won't have to look hard to find them.