A Small Rant About The Boyfriend!

[flightcrew1]

Ok. I just want to vent! This happened this afternoon and it's not the first time it's happened. Was working the last couple of days and just back from flight. I agreed to come directly from the airport to Paragon to meet the boyfriend for late lunch and see the new Bangkok Modern Art Museum. (Yes, I know there is only one exhibit at the moment) As I had a morning flight from Hong Kong I had eaten little and did not eat the crew meal on the aircraft, (no loss there!) as i knew I would be having lunch. We frequently eat at Piri Piri, (kind of like Nando's) so was thinking that would be lunch.

I showed up at 2 and the bf was there, but he informed me he had eaten with his father just awhile ago and was not hungry. Fine I though I will get something quick to eat and head over to the museum. As we were passing one of the bakeries I pointed at some sandwiches and said...how about that? He said again, no I'm not hungry. We passed the super market and I said do you want anything from here? No, he said I don't want anything. Ok I thought, I will get what I want. We were walking past the various stalls and we stopped at "Wrap It" and I put my bag down to get a wrap. Right away he looks horrified and says "What about me?" Huh? I was so shocked I walked away and down to the garage and came home. Phone calls, sms back and forth. This is not the first time this has happened. I frequently ask what do you want for dinner and for him to say nothing as he is not hungry. But when I start to eat he is hungry. He said I should know him, but he is not a child and is educated and working. I said, I do know you, which is why I asked twice and which is why when cooking I cook for two and don't bother to ask anymore.

Ok, I was drama by walking away, but I did not want to shout and scream like I wanted to. I'm still amazed because of course I'm the one on the wrong here!

Help Dear Abby, How do I solve this problem!!

[toptuan]

You answered your own question. You made the mistake. You overreacted by walking off and going home. That reaction is reserved for much more serious offenses. Like when he confesses he slept with the air-conditioner repairman the previous day.

You should have simply said, "Sorry, thought you weren't hungry. What would you like?" Smile and continue your apparently turbulent relationship over food.

You have to lose a few little battles to win the overall "war." And that war is nurturing a stable relationship that overlooks petty problems like this.

Respectfully submitted,

Abby

[flightcrew1]

Thanks Abby! Your right of course! But sometimes I'm so pig headed and silly! I will remember to answer with "Sorry, but I thought you weren't hungry. What would you like?" But can I add a sarcastic OH...in front of the sorry?, but promise to still smile!

Your right...it was very petty! Hey...and what do you know about the air conditioning man???

[toptuan]

No sarcastic "OH..." A genuine, loving smile that says, "I overlook your faults because I love you," is what's required.

Air-conditioning man: For some reason they're all so dog-gone hot.

[Pawpcorn]

Easy mistake for a farang to make...

Understand that in Thailand, FOOD is VERY SYMBOLIC of MANY things, such as survival, family, love and caring...

Rules of thumb...

1) ALWAYS offer to share any food you have with anyone and everyone. This is the Thai way, and variations from this behavior will label you as cheap, uncaring and selfish.

2) ANYTIME you are invited to share in "food partaking" (for lack of a better term) look at it as an honor, again, associated with the symbolic mentioned above, and behave as you would being honored, being very gracious, grateful and polite. Accept it, if at all possible, and if you must decline, explain "Farang puut puut" holding your stomach, and they will understand (I think) since most understand that much of the Thai food will give Farangs diarrhea.

3) Thais will often be hungry just a few hours after eating, and when they're getting into that phase of starting to be hungry again... ALL behavior can become... well, let's just say... unpredictable and possibly short-tempered. Solution: Be prepared to FEED with snacks or anything available!

4) ALWAYS expect the unexpected when it comes to food (with your Thai b/f) and you won't be surprised, upset, or disappointed. And I do mean... behavior that would seem irrational, illogical, and incomprehensible... This recent episode was a perfect example.

You've got to learn to shrug this kind of behavior off as no big thing, and look at it from an amusement and educational aspect instead, to keep from going crazy in this country.

As I said earlier... food is EVERYTHING here, and you weren't raised in this environment, and you likely will never understand it fully, but trust me here... I assure you, his behavior made PERFECT sense and logic to your boyfriend.

Perfect THAI sense and logic.

Thai LOVE is much in the same vein, but that's a whole other topic that could fill pages and pages...

Go with the flow, relax, don't take ANY of this seriously... please. Enjoy life in the slow lane.

Take care,

Pawpcorn

[toptuan]

1) ALWAYS offer to share any food you have with anyone and everyone. This is the Thai way, and variations from this behavior will label you as cheap, uncaring and selfish.

All of Pawpcorn's advice is GREAT cultural insight.

I quoted the first observation above, because I am constantly amazed at the total number of STRANGERS in Thailand who will share food with you: On the bus, sitting on a park bench, a student on campus, etc. Last week I was in an electronics shop at Paragon, and someone handed the clerk behind the counter a bag of sweet treats. Immediately, he extended the bag over the counter and invited me to have one as well. Three weeks ago, standing in the aisle on a bus journey (common up here in Isaan) a total stranger (junior high aged kid) extended a stick of gum to me. Such a nice gesture of good will and friendliness. Yes, here, food carries a lot more cultural baggage with it, than in most western countries.

[wangsuda]

Please excuse me if this offends, but I think the OP was entirely justified in his actions, and the reason being is that relationship are two-way streets. From my reading of the OP, the OPs b/f was not taking into consideration the OP:

This happened this afternoon and it's not the first time it's happened. Was working the last couple of days and just back from flight. I agreed to come directly from the airport to Paragon to meet the boyfriend for late lunch and see the new Bangkok Modern Art Museum. (Yes, I know there is only one exhibit at the moment) As I had a morning flight from Hong Kong I had eaten little and did not eat the crew meal on the aircraft, (no loss there!) as i knew I would be having lunch.

The OP comes back from a hard time at work and, without going home to relax, goes to meet the b/f. Unfortunately, the b/f has already eaten. The OP needs to eat and

Fine I though I will get something quick to eat and head over to the museum. As we were passing one of the bakeries I pointed at some sandwiches and said...how about that? He said again, no I'm not hungry. We passed the super market and I said do you want anything from here? No, he said I don't want anything.

From the origioal "I already ate with my father" to the TWO OTHER OFFERS OF FOOD, the b/f CLEARLY did not want to eat. Im most cultures, refusing something three times means you really don't want anything.

Unfortunately, when the OP got something, the b/f has a hissy fit. Well, HELLO! He stated he already ate and refused food TWICE! That kinda means the b/f isn't interested in food. I would have done the same. Additionally, I believe the b/f needs to learn a bit about the OPs culture, where a refusal of something is really a refusal. This bisuness of refusing something and then having a fit when you don't get something is bullshit, not culture.

[Jingthing]

This boy sounds very crazy. I would dump him.

[Carib]

Please excuse me if this offends, but I think the OP was entirely justified in his actions, and the reason being is that relationship are two-way streets. From my reading of the OP, the OPs b/f was not taking into consideration the OP:

This happened this afternoon and it's not the first time it's happened. Was working the last couple of days and just back from flight. I agreed to come directly from the airport to Paragon to meet the boyfriend for late lunch and see the new Bangkok Modern Art Museum. (Yes, I know there is only one exhibit at the moment) As I had a morning flight from Hong Kong I had eaten little and did not eat the crew meal on the aircraft, (no loss there!) as i knew I would be having lunch.

The OP comes back from a hard time at work and, without going home to relax, goes to meet the b/f. Unfortunately, the b/f has already eaten. The OP needs to eat and

Fine I though I will get something quick to eat and head over to the museum. As we were passing one of the bakeries I pointed at some sandwiches and said...how about that? He said again, no I'm not hungry. We passed the super market and I said do you want anything from here? No, he said I don't want anything.

From the origioal "I already ate with my father" to the TWO OTHER OFFERS OF FOOD, the b/f CLEARLY did not want to eat. Im most cultures, refusing something three times means you really don't want anything.

Unfortunately, when the OP got something, the b/f has a hissy fit. Well, HELLO! He stated he already ate and refused food TWICE! That kinda means the b/f isn't interested in food. I would have done the same. Additionally, I believe the b/f needs to learn a bit about the OPs culture, where a refusal of something is really a refusal. This bisuness of refusing something and then having a fit when you don't get something is bullshit, not culture.

You are right..and therefore you are not , I think this sums it up.

Pawpcorn`s advice is a very good one. Doesn't matter in what situation or relationship/gay/straight, food has a different meaning that it does to westerners and lots and lots of things are tied up to it.

I do agree that the bf should try and think after this has been explained, and take the partner`s feelings into consideration. Yes should be yes, and no should be no, and therefor ( again ) it is not, simply because he got hungry again and just forgot to tell.

I know,this doesn't make any sense, and that is the problem.

[wangsuda]

I personally hate it when I try to take in my partner's feelings and culture, only to have my partner NOT do the same. This isn't the way to build a strong relationship.

[toptuan]

In my post, I didn't excuse the other person's actions, as none of us should.

However...

Building strong relationships isn't usually about trying to change the OTHER person. First do what you should be able to do best: change yourself. Then, watch the magic transformation in the other person.

Edited August 17, 2008 by toptuan

[onni4me]

Funny, sort of...

Well, my bf is quite alike OP's. I might ask him whether he is hungry or not and he might say 'NO'. But I know him better than that. He is in this respect a child of nature and been with him so long, I can pretty well guess when he is hungry. His brains seem to shut down when he finally gets to the point that he is hungry. At that point nothing else gets through to him than food. 'I am hungry!' he cries and that means he needs to eat NOW! It doesn't mean anything that we are in the middle of the jungle or on a boat far away from beach or in some remote village in the middle of nowhere. He needs to eat NOW!

This has made me prepare for situations by buying snacks (which I normally don't buy) buying double amount of food not depending whether somebody actually eats it or not (our dog is the carbage bin...). Food is quite cheap in Thailand so far so I try to keep him happy by not thinking of this issue so much. It's anyway funny when a grown up man suddenly wakes up feeling super-hungry...

The change of mood can happen in minutes. So I actually think that in the future all that could be avoided by buying an extra piece - even if no-one eats it. I personally sort of agree on the idea that Thais share a lot of food and it's a sign of caring to buy something to them even if they are not angry (<<<Freudian slip here, hehe).

What comes to learning from experiences. Hmm...er...cultures are different but I would consider it really a nuisance if someone would repeat silly behavior after I would have discussed it with him. I joke on my bfs faults and doings and he does the same to me and we have fun from things that are a part of being together. I recommend more to look the funny side of things than taking them to negative. Just a suggestion. Thailand and Bangkok especially is a place where you needs your special storage of positivism (naive impression?).

As someone put it ... Look on the bright side of the ... and so on...

Edited August 17, 2008 by onni4me

[peter991]

Building strong relationships isn't usually about trying to change the OTHER person.

Powerful words, toptuan, and very true. If I want a farang bf, I'll stay in Australia. I want a Thai bf and although they can drive you crazy at times, I keep telling mine - please, never change. Sure - learn about my country - but do not try to become farang boy as I like you 100% like you are now.

Peter

[flightcrew1]

All very good advice, though different. As onni4me stated that when his bf is is hungry he shuts down and I beleive mine is the same. I realize that which I why I asked several times. I also think that I may have been bothered that he had already eaten when I was looking forward to sitting and catching up and perhaps having a drink. I was hungry, I was tired, but instead of saying to the bf that I just wanted to go home and "veg" I made the effort to go out.

Pawpcorn talks about food culture. I understand this and I like the way Thai, who you know and don't know freely share their food. I also frequently bring back snacks from trips to my Thai neighbors which they always seem to enjoy.

Peter991 says he does not want his bf to change. Well bf's do change whether farang or what have you. The more they learn, the more they travel, they change. But I'm not looking to change him.

Thankyou wangsuda for feeling as I did at the time. I do believe in this instance that it had nothing to do with culture but selfishness or craziness! I will go with craziness, but as I stated before this is not the first time this has happened. But if this is the major thing that bothers me then I need to let it go and only throw a hissy fit when he sleeps with the air conditioning man as I believe toptuan said!

[Ijustwannateach]

I find myself thinking like Pawpcorn- when you see Thai guys (or anyone, possibly) in relationships quite often you're looking at a replay of their past relationships with family. Maybe in his family it was considered rude to say you were hungry (maybe because of limited food or funds in the past?) but assumed that when food was available it would always be a group event. Something to talk with your Thai partner about and maybe learn more about him and his family history that way. Hang in there.

[farang prince]

I have to admit I'm very Western in my thinking about food. I'll always offer the Farang Princess anything that I am eating. But if my offer is refused, I chow down and don't give it another thought. FlightCrew, I think that your b/f was acting like a dick. Maybe there is something else that is on his mind and he just can't express it right now. I would not have walked off from him, but I definitely would have chewed off a strip of his ass. But then, I'm very good at ass chewing.

[PeaceBlondie]

Cultural interchange works both ways. If a farang comes off a flight at 2 pm wanting to eat, he is hungry. If his partner says NO three times, the farang does not have to order a meal for the Thai.

My bf and I eat differently. We discuss what we will eat, and we eat it. My bf knows that to me as a farang, I eat just to stay alive and I eat strangely. I offer to share, but I do not order a double portion when he says three times that he is not hungry.

[mgjackson69]

Please excuse me if this offends, but I think the OP was entirely justified in his actions, and the reason being is that relationship are two-way streets. From my reading of the OP, the OPs b/f was not taking into consideration the OP:

This happened this afternoon and it's not the first time it's happened. Was working the last couple of days and just back from flight. I agreed to come directly from the airport to Paragon to meet the boyfriend for late lunch and see the new Bangkok Modern Art Museum. (Yes, I know there is only one exhibit at the moment) As I had a morning flight from Hong Kong I had eaten little and did not eat the crew meal on the aircraft, (no loss there!) as i knew I would be having lunch.

The OP comes back from a hard time at work and, without going home to relax, goes to meet the b/f. Unfortunately, the b/f has already eaten. The OP needs to eat and

Fine I though I will get something quick to eat and head over to the museum. As we were passing one of the bakeries I pointed at some sandwiches and said...how about that? He said again, no I'm not hungry. We passed the super market and I said do you want anything from here? No, he said I don't want anything.

From the origioal "I already ate with my father" to the TWO OTHER OFFERS OF FOOD, the b/f CLEARLY did not want to eat. Im most cultures, refusing something three times means you really don't want anything.

Unfortunately, when the OP got something, the b/f has a hissy fit. Well, HELLO! He stated he already ate and refused food TWICE! That kinda means the b/f isn't interested in food. I would have done the same. Additionally, I believe the b/f needs to learn a bit about the OPs culture, where a refusal of something is really a refusal. This bisuness of refusing something and then having a fit when you don't get something is bullshit, not culture.

I agree...it appears that in this case the b/f wanted to be bitchy and create a problem...for whatever reason.

[Rionoir]

I just have to giggle when I read the original post... I think it is those kind of quirks that make dating a thai guy so funny sometimes... even if it is so frustrating at the moment! Hang in there, we all feel for ya.

[gymshark]

Sounds like he needs a slap.

[orchis]

I think it s ok as long as you make up quickly after that.

[ulath]

Sounds like he needs a slap.

Hitting your boyfriend is scummy, should be no need for violence in a relationship.

[onni4me]

Sounds like he needs a slap.

Hitting your boyfriend is scummy, should be no need for violence in a relationship.

Not a good idea anyway. The question of "face" arises in that kind of situation and might cause a war.

What comes to the situation in question, I have always wondered does farang loose face walking away from situation or is it actually understandable since Thais as well try to avoid confrontation?

Anyway, in my mind it doesn't cause a big problem. It would be much worse to start shouting and causing a scene. To all amusement of Thais, of course...

[geriatrickid]

I go through his sort of nonsense frequently with my friends, especially with my travel buddy bringing back food from me from food stalls despite his knowing I won't eat from the vendors.I always decline the food and I have seen the hurt in his face. I should have cared but because he's not my girlfriend I'm just in my little bubble and say get over it. I also get pissed off at him for leaving cooked food out (he refuses to consider the benefits of a refrigerator, but that's a different rant along with leaving the fridge door open for too long, or his underwear on the floor. ) Anyways, after reading pawpcorn's bit I realize I have been a jerk. There are ways to do things and some consideration and manners would do me some good. For those that are calling the OP's b/f a jerk or whatever, read pawpcorn again. If you want to keep your Thai friends, follow pawpcorn's advice. Patience and understanding can fix so much.

[gymshark]

Sounds like he needs a slap.

Hitting your boyfriend is scummy, should be no need for violence in a relationship.

They are both men so what's the problem, I wouldn't agree with a man hitting a woman but it might do the guy good, shake him out of his hissy fit.

[onni4me]

They are both men so what's the problem, I wouldn't agree with a man hitting a woman but it might do the guy good, shake him out of his hissy fit.

I really don't recommend. You might get more than you bargain for.

[wangsuda]

Anyways, after reading pawpcorn's bit I realize I have been a jerk. There are ways to do things and some consideration and manners would do me some good. For those that are calling the OP's b/f a jerk or whatever, read pawpcorn again. If you want to keep your Thai friends, follow pawpcorn's advice. Patience and understanding can fix so much.

You're right - pawpcorn's advice is good - unfortunately it leads to a one way street (in other words, the OP is doing everything to understand his b/f, while the b/f has to do nothing). Personally, I refuse to bend over backwards for my partner when I get nothing in return. Multi-cultural relationships require that both partners understand (or try to understand) the other person's culture.

I go through his sort of nonsense frequently with my friends, especially with my travel buddy bringing back food from me from food stalls despite his knowing I won't eat from the vendors. I always decline the food and I have seen the hurt in his face.

Then your friend should learn and not keep playing the culture card.

I also get pissed off at him for leaving cooked food out

Me too. I've threatened to sell the refridgerator and that seemed to put an end to it. Plus I pointed out that food left out attracts all those ants and bugs that my partner hates. Put away the food, and the bugs go away. Nothing cultural about that - it's just common sense.

[farang prince]

They are both men so what's the problem, I wouldn't agree with a man hitting a woman but it might do the guy good, shake him out of his hissy fit.

I really don't recommend. You might get more than you bargain for.

The Farang Princess would kick my ass if I ever hit her and I have a black belt in judo and tought combatives in the Army. I have a healthy fear of her even if I'm 100 pounds heavier than she is. Never fuc_k with a ladyboy.

[gymshark]

Never fuc_k with a ladyboy.

Only a perv would Edited August 23, 2008 by gymshark

[farang prince]

Never fuc_k with a ladyboy.

Only a perv would

Is that supposed to be funny?