How Can A Farang Have A Successful Relationship With A Thai?

[kedawi]

Perhaps if you stop looking at her as a "Thai girl" and start thinking of her as the "Person" you want to be your "partner".

[GungaDin]

Well heres a successful story

My mum (thai) and dad (english) have been married for 27 years now and im there lovely daughter whos 24 tight knitted family and ive got so much respect for them have taught me a lot esp not stereotype ppl from where they come from, these days ppl have so much bad perceptions of the thai women coz of all the media it makes me sick!! there are decent ppl out there its jus like in any country there are money grabbers and theres real decent people out there, if a person really loves you they will wait the dont say the sayin 4 nothing

Paula

[rockyysdt]

AmeriThai

You summarise it well.

All I can do is spend more time with her, encourage open and honest two way interaction, learn and teach, and love unconditionally.

Time will tell.

It sounds like you view her more with pity about her unfortunate life. There's nothing wrong with that, but it's not exactly the best way to base a relationship.

No pity, just a genuine concern for a much loved person.

I think there are a couple of things in life that can easily be overlooked sometimes. There's the ideal, and then there's the real. What you're saying is idealistic, but not necessarily realistic. I'm not saying it can't work out, but it sounds, though unfortunate, that she already has a lot of emotional and financial baggage to deal with. The negative qualities have already been brought into the relationship by her personal problems. And her personal problems (or I should say family matters) seem to be your focal point and your perceived 'destiny' to bring her to an understanding of a better way to live. Is that the best way to establish a meaningful relationship?

Not really.

It's just that this issue stands out significantly for her.

She knows she's being used and has indicated this several times.

It's more difficult for her to do anything about it.

Think of me more as a fascilitator of issues she reveals rather than someone trying to change her.

It will be up to her what ends up being acceptable regarding her family.

The other problem is that by trying to enrich her learning and awareness, that seems to suggest that she doesn't know and isn't aware, but you do, which puts both of you on unequal footing. You know the best way to live and she doesn't. You've made it sound as if she's continuously driven to tears by her family. That's not exactly how I would see a meaningful relationship. It sounds like a tremendous strain. What will you do if later on down the road it dawns on you that maybe her problems continue to be ongoing, regardless of your efforts? At some point it would become a major block in the relationship. Would you feel okay with that?

Who knows what brings people together and determines whether their union is meaningful?

For any relationships to work there has to be something in it for each party.

We're all vulnerable.

You've mentioned a number of things that sound like gigantic warning flags to me. Perhaps your own emotional involvement is obscuring common sense? You might want to step back for a while with a change of scenery. I'm not in any way saying that a poor rural girl can't be the perfect match for you. I'm just saying a bit more personal and emotional stability would reduce the risk of having it end up down the drain. Still, it's your life and you can do whatever you feel is best for yourself. And as they say, "It's up to you".

My plan is to spend as much time as I can with her.

I think this will be the only way to determine if it will work.

My focus for this thread was to learn how to overcome the technical issues.

Limited time with each other due to our interational situation.

Job prospects in Thailand given the minimal income on offer.

Issues associated with customs.

Ideas about what constitutes an acceptable budget or income to live reasonably on.

Others BM's experiences and insights.

[AmeriThai]

AmeriThai

You summarise it well.

All I can do is spend more time with her, encourage open and honest two way interaction, learn and teach, and love unconditionally.

Time will tell.

It sounds like you view her more with pity about her unfortunate life. There's nothing wrong with that, but it's not exactly the best way to base a relationship.

No pity, just a genuine concern for a much loved person.

I think there are a couple of things in life that can easily be overlooked sometimes. There's the ideal, and then there's the real. What you're saying is idealistic, but not necessarily realistic. I'm not saying it can't work out, but it sounds, though unfortunate, that she already has a lot of emotional and financial baggage to deal with. The negative qualities have already been brought into the relationship by her personal problems. And her personal problems (or I should say family matters) seem to be your focal point and your perceived 'destiny' to bring her to an understanding of a better way to live. Is that the best way to establish a meaningful relationship?

Not really.

It's just that this issue stands out significantly for her.

She knows she's being used and has indicated this several times.

It's more difficult for her to do anything about it.

Think of me more as a fascilitator of issues she reveals rather than someone trying to change her.

It will be up to her what ends up being acceptable regarding her family.

The other problem is that by trying to enrich her learning and awareness, that seems to suggest that she doesn't know and isn't aware, but you do, which puts both of you on unequal footing. You know the best way to live and she doesn't. You've made it sound as if she's continuously driven to tears by her family. That's not exactly how I would see a meaningful relationship. It sounds like a tremendous strain. What will you do if later on down the road it dawns on you that maybe her problems continue to be ongoing, regardless of your efforts? At some point it would become a major block in the relationship. Would you feel okay with that?

Who knows what brings people together and determines whether their union is meaningful?

For any relationships to work there has to be something in it for each party.

We're all vulnerable.

You've mentioned a number of things that sound like gigantic warning flags to me. Perhaps your own emotional involvement is obscuring common sense? You might want to step back for a while with a change of scenery. I'm not in any way saying that a poor rural girl can't be the perfect match for you. I'm just saying a bit more personal and emotional stability would reduce the risk of having it end up down the drain. Still, it's your life and you can do whatever you feel is best for yourself. And as they say, "It's up to you".

My plan is to spend as much time as I can with her.

I think this will be the only way to determine if it will work.

My focus for this thread was to learn how to overcome the technical issues.

Limited time with each other due to our interational situation.

Job prospects in Thailand given the minimal income on offer.

Issues associated with customs.

Ideas about what constitutes an acceptable budget or income to live reasonably on.

Others BM's experiences and insights.

Time will tell.

Indeed it will.

a much loved person.

Meaning that you're already emotionally attached, which you also stated in your original post.

It's more difficult for her to do anything about it.

Therein lies the key point.

It will be up to her what ends up being acceptable regarding her family.

That's partly true, assuming she decided to just leave the family. Otherwise, it will also be a matter of what's acceptable to her family. They might gladly welcome you with open arms as an additional source of income. But they aren't likely to come right out and say that to you.

Getting to the "technical issues":

Regarding the "international situation": why can't you just have her visit you for 2 or 3 months? It doesn't mean moving away from her family. Of course it would mean she'd need a passport, a visa, and an airline ticket, all of which you'd probably have to foot the bill for.

Job prospects: I'd say forget about that if you only have a few more years until retirement.

Issues associated with customs: Can you clarify a bit?

Cost of living/Living expenses: Depends on where you want to live and what you regard as acceptable. There are a number of threads that give some examples with a general breakdown of expenses.

BM: Sorry, but what's that?

Visa restrictions: In your OP you were concerned your access would only be 3 months each year. Why? There are options that allow longer stays. Look through the "Thai visas, residency and work permits" board.

[JSixpack]

My focus for this thread was to learn how to overcome the technical issues.

Over time you'll finally come to realize that even if you could overcome them, which is not very likely anyway, doing so wouldn't be worth the headache, heartache, and expense. I suggest you move on to something more viable ASAP.

[zorro1]

The best advice i could give to anyone is come out here, live by yourself, learn about Thai culture, pick up a bit of the language, and then, after 2 or 3 years, think about finding a partner. The reason why so many relationships fail is that people fall in love without really knowing who they are in love with.

Perfect. Never heard it put so simply before

[stephaniee]

so many fail coz so many relationships from the girls point of view it aint bout love. not hard to see from what guys write, why they cant see it is beyond comprhension. these girls have agendas that have nothing to do with love.

[rick75]

My advice is to buy cheap phone cards, I can talk to a mobile in Bkk for 20minutes for around $3au, second bit is stop sending money, because I bet dollars do donuts she won't be as keen on you without cash, she does'nt need saving we are the masters of our own destiny, they all want out, the girls think we are millionairs and they will never have to scrub a pot or pan again. I have a Thai mate and he gave me some advice " the women of Thailand are like a golf course, play one hole and move onto the next." I myself don't subscribe to his advive but I always keep it in the back of my mind, I met a nice girl, I never send money and money is never discussed. You have to ask yourself how often is money discussed, if the answer is never you are on the right track if money is discussed a lot you are in trouble. Not trying to be negative, just take things very slow and time will tell.

[tonyhowes]

im sure the issues I face are not new and many here would have walked down a similar path.

I'm keen to pursue a relationship with a girl I love. I'm Australian, she is Thai.

Everyone knows building a new relationship is difficult as it is without adding the following.

• Being non professional, my abilty to earn a worthwhile income in Thailand appears to be very limited.
  
• I have a few years to go before reaching retirement age, and probably need to continue generating foreign income.
  
• Thai Visa restrictions appear to limit my access to three months each year.
  

All I want to do is live with my new partner and see where the future takes us.

I don't think bringing her to my country is the answer.

Taking her out of her environment and isolating her from her family would probably destroy what we have.

The Family is her life.

What should I do?

Get a hobby

[stephaniee]

living in los on a limited income is no fun especially under the conditions op is describing. HE CANT EMPOWER THE GIRL HE FANCIES WITH A LIMITED AMOUNT OF MONEY!

[rockyysdt]

Issues associated with customs: Can you clarify a bit?

Thai customs and how they might clash with western values.

BM: Sorry, but what's that?

Board Members.

Visa restrictions: In your OP you were concerned your access would only be 3 months each year. Why? There are options that allow longer stays. Look through the "Thai visas, residency and work permits" board.

Just my lack of knowledge on the subject.

I must study the subject a little more to know where I stand.

Sounds like the two "180 day" visas back to back might be a starting point.

Also, as already has been said, Thailand might not be a lot of fun on a Thai minimal income.

Edited September 6, 2008 by rockyysdt

[unforgiven]

I'm sure the issues I face are not new and many here would have walked down a similar path.

I'm keen to pursue a relationship with a girl I love. I'm Australian, she is Thai.

Everyone knows building a new relationship is difficult as it is without adding the following.

• Being non professional, my abilty to earn a worthwhile income in Thailand appears to be very limited.
  
• I have a few years to go before reaching retirement age, and probably need to continue generating foreign income.
  
• Thai Visa restrictions appear to limit my access to three months each year.
  

All I want to do is live with my new partner and see where the future takes us.

I don't think bringing her to my country is the answer.

Taking her out of her environment and isolating her from her family would probably destroy what we have.

The Family is her life.

What should I do?

Your quite right.T aking them out of Thailand is statisticlly a bad move.

[stephaniee]

getting involved with one is statistically a bad move

[way2muchcoffee]

Statistically?

Evidently marrying a woman from: USA, Russia, UK, Denmark, New Zealand, Australia, Finland, Portugal, Singapore, Greece, or China (and others) will result in a greater likelihood of divorce when compared with Thailand.

http://www.nationmaster.com/graph/peo_div_...le-divorce-rate

Edited September 7, 2008 by way2muchcoffee

[teacup]

That's because most thai women are more willing to put up with the jerks than farang women!

Edited September 7, 2008 by teacup

[sylviex]

Statistically?

Evidently marrying a woman from: USA, Russia, UK, Denmark, New Zealand, Australia, Finland, Portugal, Singapore, Greece, or China (and others) will result in a greater likelihood of divorce when compared with Thailand.

http://www.nationmaster.com/graph/peo_div_...le-divorce-rate

Those stats are for divorces per country. In Thailand, that means mostly Thai-Thai relationships

and with those, separation & informal rearrangements are more frequent than formal divorce & remarriage.

These figures don't tell us anything about intercultural marriages.

Edited September 7, 2008 by sylviex

[way2muchcoffee]

That's because most thai women are willing to put up with the jerks than farang women!

LOL - That's probably true. And vice versa as well!

Those stats are for divorces per country. In Thailand, that means mostly Thai-Thai relationships

and with those, separation & informal rearrangements are more frequent than formal divorce & remarriage.

These figures don't tell us anything about intercultural marriages.

Obviously. I was just playing....

Edited September 7, 2008 by way2muchcoffee

[IMA_FARANG]

I'm sure the issues I face are not new and many here would have walked down a similar path.

I'm keen to pursue a relationship with a girl I love. I'm Australian, she is Thai.

Everyone knows building a new relationship is difficult as it is without adding the following.

• Being non professional, my abilty to earn a worthwhile income in Thailand appears to be very limited.
  
• I have a few years to go before reaching retirement age, and probably need to continue generating foreign income.
  
• Thai Visa restrictions appear to limit my access to three months each year.
  

All I want to do is live with my new partner and see where the future takes us.

I don't think bringing her to my country is the answer.

Taking her out of her environment and isolating her from her family would probably destroy what we have.

The Family is her life.

What should I do?

I know exactly where you are coming from.

I've had a relationship with a Thai woman for nearly 30 years now.

It takes compromises on both sides and a lot of patience and understanding by both paries.

Not as though that is really any different than in any long term relationship or marriage. but as for some special challenges:

1. Unless you are lucky enough to be able to learn some kind of a living in Thailand you will have to work outside Thailand to make enough money for you both to survive. Expect to be able to return to Thailand once or twice a year, maybe a month or two at a time. The amount of time depends on your financial situation, i.e. can you afford it?

2. Plan for your retirement as best you can. Try to accumalte the money you'll need to retire in Thailand.

3. If you can get your partner to agree to come to your country, that's fine. But be aware of the cultural differences and problems that will always result.

4. The visa problems: well you can work around those with patience and the composure required to endure the visa runs, hassle, and rude and arrogant immigration officials. Keep smiling, and don't let the petty fools get to you. You are better than them, aren't you?

5. But basically, you have to believe it is worth it all. The good times will overcome all the negatives if you really love your partner, and she does the same.

Like my old hippie friends used to say....Life's a bi##h, but in the end you die anyway. So why worry.

[Diablo Bob]

getting involved with one is statistically a bad move

I have read all of your comments......

Question: Do you work in the visa section at the US Embassy?

[AmeriThai]

Issues associated with customs: Can you clarify a bit?

Thai customs and how they might clash with western values.

Okay, I understand. Just wanted to make sure you weren't talking about "customs" on entry to the country.

So you don't understand customs and cultural differences, but you're trying to 'help empower' this girl with her family problems? Just curious, but how much time have you spent in Thailand? How well do you understand the language?

[rockyysdt]

Okay, I understand. Just wanted to make sure you weren't talking about "customs" on entry to the country.

So you don't understand customs and cultural differences, but you're trying to 'help empower' this girl with her family problems? Just curious, but how much time have you spent in Thailand? How well do you understand the language?

I'm definitely a novice in this area with no claim to any expertise AmeriThai.

The way it unfolded was by living with her, listening to her problems and watching her interact with her parents.

If a person you care about shares their problems with you, your reaction is to try to help in some way.

People will never change to resolve their lifes problems unless they want to change.

Infact, depending on their age, many will never change and are destined to repeat their habits until death or until they expereince a major crisis.

What I do is try to help the person work through their problems through active listening.

Empowerment facilitated through active listening (the listened arrives at their own solutions) can be universal.

I may not succeed but I don't think just watching her suffering is good either.

I understand that many Thai women will always stay loyal to their family.

This will always be the case and is not the issue.

The issue is the extent to which she is being used (e.g.bankrolling excessive alcohol consumption, gambling, womanising etc).

Edited September 7, 2008 by rockyysdt

[stephaniee]

and you find this woman appealing? what am i missing here? cant wait till my next trip to los in a month. things that go on there is just hard to believe, in a fun kind of way!

[rick75]

rockyysdt, is your girlfriend bankrolling the gambling and drinking relatives or are you?

like I said before stop sending money and see where the relationship goes, the saying "there are plenty more fish in the sea" is very true in Thailand, if things don't work don't worry there are plenty of nice girls willing to spend time with you.

[stephaniee]

if things don't work don't worry there are plenty of nice girls willing to spend time with you.

isnt this the problem. there are very few desireable girls who are available for the farang.

i would like to know what does this girl do to make enough to bankroll alcohol and gambling things.

[rick75]

stephaniee there are plenty of nice women in Thailand, the problem is most guys don't know where to look, if you spend a little time learning Thai and look outside the usual bar areas you will cross paths with lots of nice women. Stephaniee You sound like a bitter Farang woman who is jaded that the farang men are not interested in you, I have seen that look on the face of many farang women in Thailand.

Edited September 7, 2008 by rick75

[stephaniee]

on the other hand most of the farang that hang out in los are not all that great, leave em for the upountry girls

[NaaiGuwnTheen]

That's because most thai women are more willing to put up with the jerks than farang women!

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA i love it!!!!

[dumball]

That's because most thai women are more willing to put up with the jerks than farang women!

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA i love it!!!!

Just sew velcro on the inside edge of all your pockets and zippers on the outside with a large padlock , wear a 'T'shirt with the logo displayed that states in large type I AM NOT AN ATM MACHINE NOR A MILLIONARE , if you get any advances or interest , you have a live one ( maybe) , the vast majority of Thai women and their families are not interested in you as an INDIVIDUAL , just an easy income 'For as long as ye both shall live ' , end of the rant .

[Lopburi99]

You stated:

Unfortunately my girlfriend is far too dutiful and extensively used by her family.

My friend, sounds like your Thai girlfriend will never be able to limit her family's control (of both of you) if you live in Thailand. I think your story has almost no chance of a happy ending for either of you. I'm very sorry, but I think you should move on and look for a woman with different life circumstances and/or considerably more personal strength.

But I understand sometimes "moving on" just may not be a option you can choose if you truly love this person and want to "go for it", albeit against extreme odds. In this case, I could only suggest you DEFINITELY bring her to your home country to live, away from her family in Thailand, at least until you retire. During this time period she could hopefully develop the ability to say "I'm sorry but NO" to her family's repetitive pressure and demands. If she is not willing to do that, you will never be "number 1" with her and you are destined to years of frustration and unhappiness. Good luck deciding on a course of action founded in wisdom. (Sure wish I had done that in an earlier marriage - mine ended in disaster).

Edited September 8, 2008 by Lopburi99

[rockyysdt]

My friend, sounds like your Thai girlfriend will never be able to limit her family's control (of both of you) if you live in Thailand. I think your story has almost no chance of a happy ending for either of you. I'm very sorry, but I think you should move on and look for a woman with different life circumstances and/or considerably more personal strength.

Unfortunately or fortunately my situation was not chosen.

When you love someone you inherit what they come with.

Sadly I have a feeling that the family bond will lose strenght in time.

My girlfriends mother has a terminal illness and may pass away within the year.

The bond is not as strong with the father.

Only time will tell what the new dynamics become.