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What Can A Buddhist Offer An Unenlightened Person Who Has A Terminal Illness?


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Posted (edited)

It seems a waste when you see people all around you wasting their lives drinking and eating to excess, immersed in either anxiety or boredom and appearing not to be going anywhere.

Many have a total lack of self awareness and will probably end up suffering illnesses as a result of their lifestyles.

I've heard that individuals don't think it will ever happen to them and live in ignorance regarding their mortality.

Huge numbers continue to smoke, even though the dangers are well documented, and just as many if not more are drinking alcohol at dangerous quantities.

There is also the western malaise of over indulgence and over consumption.

I'll soon be visiting a relative who has a terminal illness.

Coming from a Buddhist perspective, what can I offer her in terms of comfort and direction?

She is a Thai Buddhist by belief, not by practice.

I was planning to give her a bronze Buddha for inspiration and offer her my love.

Edited by rockyysdt
Posted
I'll soon be visiting a relative who has a terminal illness.

Coming from a Buddhist perspective, what can I offer her in terms of comfort and direction?

She is a Thai Buddhist by belief, not by practice.

In that case, tell her you will make merit for her. The traditional idea is that making merit for the deceased helps them achieve a better rebirth situation.

I wouldn't know what to say to a non-Buddhist who has a terminal illness because Buddhist ideas would probably sound quite insensitive.

Posted
In that case, tell her you will make merit for her. The traditional idea is that making merit for the deceased helps them achieve a better rebirth situation.

How does one go about making a merit?

Is there a Thai word or phrase for it?

Posted

"tham boon." If your own parents die, you may ordain for a short period. Otherwise you just go to a temple and make an offering. The stuff to offer is often sold near the entrance of the temple. It might be flowers, candles or incense, or an orange bucket filled with things a monk would need. There is probably a special ceremony in which merit can be dedicated to the deceased.

If you don't believe that the Sangha can act as a sort of intermediary to ensure your merit reaches the deceased, you could just make merit in some suitable way and dedicate it to the deceased yourself.

Posted

My mother in law died of cancer 3 years ago. She didn't speak english and my Thai is pretty limited beyond day to day things so most communication beyond the basics went through my wife.

I didn't feel there is anything I could say considering the cultural and language breach that would make a difference, instead through my actions I tried to show that I considered myself to be her son, that I cared for here and respected her, and that I would take good care of her daughter when she was gone, I'm sure she died knowing that.

One difference from your situation though is that I didn't feel I needed to share the dhamma with her. She had a strong sense of dhamma, and morality, she had a bit of Thai superstition as well, but everybody who knew her knew she was a good person.

Posted
My mother in law died of cancer 3 years ago. She didn't speak english and my Thai is pretty limited beyond day to day things so most communication beyond the basics went through my wife.

I didn't feel there is anything I could say considering the cultural and language breach that would make a difference, instead through my actions I tried to show that I considered myself to be her son, that I cared for here and respected her, and that I would take good care of her daughter when she was gone, I'm sure she died knowing that.

One difference from your situation though is that I didn't feel I needed to share the dhamma with her. She had a strong sense of dhamma, and morality, she had a bit of Thai superstition as well, but everybody who knew her knew she was a good person.

I appreciate you sharing your experience Bruce.

Death is still something I'm uncomfortable with but I'll handle it in a similar way to you.

Posted
It seems a waste when you see people all around you wasting their lives drinking and eating to excess, immersed in either anxiety or boredom and appearing not to be going anywhere.

Many have a total lack of self awareness and will probably end up suffering illnesses as a result of their lifestyles.

I've heard that individuals don't think it will ever happen to them and live in ignorance regarding their mortality.

Huge numbers continue to smoke, even though the dangers are well documented, and just as many if not more are drinking alcohol at dangerous quantities.

There is also the western malaise of over indulgence and over consumption.

I'll soon be visiting a relative who has a terminal illness.

Coming from a Buddhist perspective, what can I offer her in terms of comfort and direction?

She is a Thai Buddhist by belief, not by practice.

I was planning to give her a bronze Buddha for inspiration and offer her my love.

:o The same thing that you would offer to any sentient being....love, compassion, and understanding.

Beyond that, and the clear and simple explanation of your own belief and faith in Buddha, what is there?

  • 7 months later...
Posted

How did it work out rocky? I remember Ajahn Chah gave some famous comforting words to a woman who was dying... it was all very insightful to those of us who study Buddhism, but I'm not sure how an uninitiated person would react to it upon hearing it for the first time. I would try to keep it very simple and short, speak original words and don't just preach the Dhamma. I think even a person completely unfamiliar with Buddhism knows something of the anatman sensation intuitively.

Posted
How did it work out rocky? I remember Ajahn Chah gave some famous comforting words to a woman who was dying... it was all very insightful to those of us who study Buddhism, but I'm not sure how an uninitiated person would react to it upon hearing it for the first time. I would try to keep it very simple and short, speak original words and don't just preach the Dhamma. I think even a person completely unfamiliar with Buddhism knows something of the anatman sensation intuitively.

Living in Australia I only had a relatively short time with her in November/December.

I somehow knew that I would never see her alive again before I could return.

I offered her my favorite bronze Buddha statue.

It had been with me for many years and had inspired me on many occasions.

I found the family, as many seem to be these days, unable to show any display of affection or closeness with each other.

I broke this by first sitting with her and expressing my feelings in english.

She couldn't understand a word I was saying but she was able to see my body language.

I held her hand and placed my hand on my heart & then hers to show how I felt about her.

She was at first taken aback, but then couldn't stop beaming with all the attention and closeness she was receiving.

It was sad when my time came to leave.

Upon receiving the news of her death, my tears wouldn't stop flowing.

In a way I was thankful of her passing as she suffered greatly.

On my next visit I will make offerings at the temple and express my grief.

I know I should be happy at her release from suffering.

In any death, it's the family who are left to suffer with feelings of grief and emptiness.

Posted
How did it work out rocky? I remember Ajahn Chah gave some famous comforting words to a woman who was dying... it was all very insightful to those of us who study Buddhism, but I'm not sure how an uninitiated person would react to it upon hearing it for the first time. I would try to keep it very simple and short, speak original words and don't just preach the Dhamma. I think even a person completely unfamiliar with Buddhism knows something of the anatman sensation intuitively.

Living in Australia I only had a relatively short time with her in November/December.

I somehow knew that I would never see her alive again before I could return.

I offered her my favorite bronze Buddha statue.

It had been with me for many years and had inspired me on many occasions.

I found the family, as many seem to be these days, unable to show any display of affection or closeness with each other.

I broke this by first sitting with her and expressing my feelings in english.

She couldn't understand a word I was saying but she was able to see my body language.

I held her hand and placed my hand on my heart & then hers to show how I felt about her.

She was at first taken aback, but then couldn't stop beaming with all the attention and closeness she was receiving.

It was sad when my time came to leave.

Upon receiving the news of her death, my tears wouldn't stop flowing.

In a way I was thankful of her passing as she suffered greatly.

On my next visit I will make offerings at the temple and express my grief.

I know I should be happy at her release from suffering.

In any death, it's the family who are left to suffer with feelings of grief and emptiness.

There is an article about Death and Dying here: http://www.knowbuddhism.info/2009/03/right-death.html

However what has helped me a lot with a recent loss of my own is Loving Kindness Meditation. It is important to understand that you will do this for yourself as first step (as only when accepting and overcoming your own vulnerabilities will you be able to give the same kindness and acceptance to others). Then it will bring peace and inner happiness back even if there might be longing misgivings about maybe not being there long enough or at the right time.

Posted

I've had a lot of experience with terminal ill/dying people

people worry way too much about "what to say"to people who are dying or people who have suffered a bereavement.

They really are not waiting to hear your words nor or they likely to remember them, and they certainly aren't expecting you to say something that will make the situation better. Thatr's an expectation you are saddling yourself with and an unrealistic one at that.

And you cannot give people the answers to questions they aren't asking.

What you can give, and what they will remember, is compassion. Pure and simple.

Just extend your heart, and listen to whatever they have to say. Take your cue from them; they may want to vent their feelings about their situation or they may not.

Posted
people worry way too much about "what to say"to people who are dying or people who have suffered a bereavement.

They really are not waiting to hear your words nor or they likely to remember them, and they certainly aren't expecting you to say something that will make the situation better. Thatr's an expectation you are saddling yourself with and an unrealistic one at that.

And you cannot give people the answers to questions they aren't asking.

What you can give, and what they will remember, is compassion. Pure and simple.

Just extend your heart, and listen to whatever they have to say. Take your cue from them; they may want to vent their feelings about their situation or they may not.

I quite agree with you. Twice I have had very dear friends or very, very close relatives terminal and they brought up the issue. One's request -- "Vince, just be the same person you've been throughout our friendship. That's what I've enjoyed. And stop crying!"

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