If You Have Brought Your Thai Husband Home To Live, Help!

[meme]

Hi,

So I am looking for some advice ladies, for those of you who have moved your Thai partner from Thailand to your home country.

I have lived in Thailand for 6 years, 4.5 of those have been with my hubby. We live in his home town, 15 min from his village which is basically 300 relatives. We met there, he is very old fashioned but has changed soooo much as I am a western woman through and through! So he has had to do a lot more changing and adapting for the sake of our relationship. He would be happy to live in his village forever but in order to be with me he has gone back to school (left school in grade 6 so getting his grade 12) has travelled to Korea, USA and Canada. He has patiently waited for us to have kids, he is 32 so he feels like the equivalent of an old maid! In the time we have been together I can't tell you how many friends and family members have met their spouse, married and are on their 2nd or 3rd child!

Now I have made sacrifices as well and have lived away from home for a long time, but in all honesty I am not sure I want to live in Canada!

It is a matter of timing. We need to stop taking our Thai money over to Canada because it is taking most of our savings every year that could go into a car or a house, we go home for a month to 6 weeks every year, and it is 100,000 baht just for 2 return tickets let alone all the spending money we need (well I need Im the one hwo does all the shopping!)

Plus we would like to have a kid soon, and I would like to give birth in Canada.

Sooo, we are thinking of moving to Canada, not to stay forever, just to get us on the track of having a baby and making some savings for a home in Thailand. If we go back to Thailand once a year that is obviously much cheaper taking the Cdn dollar over there then the other way around.

My hubby is very supportive and understands this is the step we should be taking. However he is very scared and I am very guilt ridden!

Food is a huge issue, we bring over curry pastes but he gets very bored after a month, their is basically no Thai community in my city and most Thai restaurants are run by people from Laos...so enough said about whether he likes eating at the restaurants! Honestly he ate the same food for 27years until he met me! I mean he didnt even eat fried rice until he met me! Straight up curry every day! He can eat western food as long as their is some sort of meat he is OK but of course with out rice he can never be satisfied!

The weather, today it is -23, -33 with the windchill. We have very nice summers but the winter is about December until end of March...he is frozen(we are in Canada at the moment)!

Adapting, my family and friends tell me that I do not give him enough credit and that he would be able to adapt. My fear is that while I have lived in both Thailand and Korea and have easily adapted, Thais are not as adaptable. At any time of the day he can walk outside our home in Thailand and sit with friends and discuss birds and smoke his thai smokes. He has such a huge community there. Either in the town or in the village, he knows everyone and is very social. But not to the point that he goes out with the boys till the wee hours of the morn. We spend a lot of time together and he only drinks if I am out with him and I am drinking, he is always home by 10 etc. He is a very good hubby. So I fear he will get very lonely

Family,he is the youngest of 6 and his father died when he was 2 so his mom is his everything! Luckily she is very cool and rough and tough, so wants to do everything for herself and is content with all she has, which is not much. She is in her 70s though so as you know lots of guilt is felt on his part from moving away from her. He is also close with his siblings.

Birds, yes that's right birds, now if any of you have lived in the South you must know the fascination with men and their birds. Well birds are my husband's passion and I support it seeing as it's a very innocent hobby..but he LOVES his birds and they are a specific kind that you can not get in Canada, so he will have to be without, which is the least of our problems but at the same time if he could only move his birds it would make the move so much easier!

I am aware that I have made a lot of sacrifices on my part and that I have lived without my family and friends for a long time and technically it is my turn, but what I need to know is how did your Thai partners adapt? This is going to be a huge test in our relationship, possibly the biggest test..and that scares me. What if he cant do it? He is willing but I can see the fear in his eyes

I just feel really guilty(he has never done anything to make me feel this way) and scared. He is a village boy through and through, he speaks English but reads at a grade 2 level (which is another plus to moving as they have free English education and standardized testing for immigrants according to their level of ability here)so working and living will be so hard at first..

Thanks for listening.

[Nampeung]

Wow Meme! What a great post! I think Boo will be one of the best to advise on this one. I may chip in later

[meme]

Wow Meme! What a great post! I think Boo will be one of the best to advise on this one. I may chip in later

Thanks Nampeung, I just noticed how long it was.. oops.

Yes I am looking forward to Boo's advice, also Ruefang, those are the only two I know of who have done this. All posts welcome though!

Edited December 13, 2008 by meme

[bina]

meme here is a long post since my situation is different than some other woman's, but this is how it is for anon, who did not choose to live here (israel) but ended up living here. he is from a small village in korat, not got more then 6 yrs education, doesnt speak english, could barely read thai although his family speak thai not thai issaan at home.

as u know my husband came to israel as a foreign worker to make money for sending home. we met here after he had been arrested w/o visa etc. we went thru alot before we actually settled down. this year is the first year that we are actually living in the same house, and living as a 'normative' israeli couple i.e. he is finally working close to home, in a restaraunt, coming home on the bus after a day of work, getting a paycheck, going shopping on his own with being afraid of the reactions of the public (the thai here are very afraid to go to malls etc since they are treated with suspicion as they dress in work clothes, often are slightly drunk, and they are afraid also of the visa police even if they have a visa.)

last saturday, my daughter saw him playing football with some thai workers here on the kibbutz. this is the first time in two years that he has made contact with thai workers living here on the kibbutz due to some bad feeling in the past . my daughter made an interesting comment: anon doesnt look the same anymore, or even act like these guys. what she meant wwas that not just the clothes he was wearing (not just work clothes like the guys were wearing) it was how he was wearing them, but also his facial and body language. his hair cut is still bannork thai as friends from a moshav near by cut his hair. but his way of moving speaking etc has become influenced by living here.

i thought that was interesting since he still doesnt speak hebrew really and next week we have our temporary resident interview and he MUST speak a few sentences with the office poeple... and suddenly he has started to speak a bit, and my daughter has sat with him every weekend tutoring him. it was interesting that he seems to slowly fitting himself a bit in to his surroundings which are so very alien to him. (kibbutz life, israeli jewish households, much more city than where he lived, expectations of his boss (to put in that extra, to use his head a bit more, to take charge) which are so different then what has been expected of him in the past as a foreign worker. he has problems sometimes dealing with changes in schedules, work ours, work procedures (thai farmer types seem to like things that dont change. i.e. they like to wake up in the morning and know what they have to do and they dont mind doing it all day long. they all seem to get made very nervous with change of any sort. any deviations from schedule. )

he is also having a difficult time at work since the thai worker there sees anon as 'not thai' any more (married to me, temp. visa, living in a real house ). he has also changed his drinking habits since here one beer is considered getting drunk. it is not acceptable to sit outside the house and drink a beer or so and hang out with the boys.

anon cooks at home. all we eat is thai food. he absolutely cannot stand the israeli staples of white soft cheese and veggies and bread and yogurts. and it is much more difficult here than most countries to get thai stuff. we have to go to the nearest large city or tel aviv or get from thai workers on moshavs and kibbutzim. pork for instance. he loves pork and shrimp and stuff. here its super expensive and hard to get (not kosher). we make due with eggs and chicken and noodles. we only listen to thai music unless the kids are back from army or my youngest comes home. we recently bought a female puppy to be partner with our foofoo (male lhasa) so that is our surrogate baby (especially anon's)since both dogs need attention and care. he also takes care of our large group of gold fish.

he has had to learn about banking. every month now we have to pay a sort of rent to the kibbutz. it comes out of his bank account (well, ours since he cant have his own here as a foreign worker) automatically. he will have to pay insurance every month also. all the stuff that he has never ever done in his entire life. so it all caught up to him this past month and he was a bit sulky and irritible. a sort of major delayed culture shock. he refuses to understand that there are legal requirements that HE MUST DO whether he wants to or not. that here IS NOT thailand. you cant drive a car w/o a licsense. u have to have insurance. u have to pay taxes.

he doesnt like living here. he doesnt like the noise, the attitude of the people here, the confrontationalism, the religousness, the racism, the bombs or much of anything else. he is here only for me.

the thai population here changes every five years when visas finish. soon his last best best friend from his village will be going home.

internet has been a life saver for thai news, soap operas etc. we are now discussing getting some kind of cable that has thai tv but not sure if i can since the kibbutz controls what company we use for cable tv.

he misses his family but he calls often. he feels no guilt since his sisters and brother are with his parents.

he has difficult times. he sulks, gets irritable quickly, gets tired quickly.

however, all in all, i think that he has expanded his horizons w/o becoming snobby like many of the thai women that move here do. he's really in to getting mechanical stuff for the kitchen (he's descovered the magimix). he still showers in cold water (hot water is free here on kibbutz so go figure). he roasts his peppers outside the house and drives my neighbhors crazy. he's learned to deal with pushy people and bomb scares every other day on the way to or from work. he's even started hitchhiking to get home when he cant make the bus, and he does it and our local area drivers even stop for him, so he has learned the israeli art of hitchhiking body language and smiles.

what i mean to say in all this convoluted post is that anon also was very anti about being 'here' (not as a foreign worker but as a husband actually living a 'real' life here). but in spite of it all, he seems to be getting used to it, his learning curve is sorting it self out with time and patience. he has ups and downs so i really have to be the one to be flexible and understanding.

not sure if that helps at all, but any way...

bina

israel

[Tango7]

It is probably down to each individual and the type of relationship you have in Thailand. Basically, if you two are vrey close here and have few friends and rely a lot on eachother, then the move won't matter too much. Obviously, any Thai would miss the spicy food, Thai friends to chat to every now and then and also family but if you are close, these will... hoepfully.. be the only issues.

If however, you go to Canada and get your friends and he has none, things will be different as he'll feel more isolated.

I have a similar issue. My wife is now pregnant and I want to return home. We've been together 6 years and we're happy as Larry but I worry that her lack of friends, family and food will reverse this abroad.

My wife has been to UK a number of times and loves it as well as my family. All is good there, but holidays are romanticising the situation.

I think if you have a solid relationship and you don't go ignoring him when you get home, things will be OK, but if you go out to work leaving him at home feeling useless or just baby sitting, I think it's not going to be easy. He'll also need his own friends and a job. If all these come into play then the cold will be an annoyance and not an issue.

By the way, would there be any option to move to a larger city if yours is small ?

[meme]

meme here is a long post since my situation is different than some other woman's, but this is how it is for anon, who did not choose to live here (israel) but ended up living here. he is from a small village in korat, not got more then 6 yrs education, doesnt speak english, could barely read thai although his family speak thai not thai issaan at home.

as u know my husband came to israel as a foreign worker to make money for sending home. we met here after he had been arrested w/o visa etc. we went thru alot before we actually settled down. this year is the first year that we are actually living in the same house, and living as a 'normative' israeli couple i.e. he is finally working close to home, in a restaraunt, coming home on the bus after a day of work, getting a paycheck, going shopping on his own with being afraid of the reactions of the public (the thai here are very afraid to go to malls etc since they are treated with suspicion as they dress in work clothes, often are slightly drunk, and they are afraid also of the visa police even if they have a visa.)

last saturday, my daughter saw him playing football with some thai workers here on the kibbutz. this is the first time in two years that he has made contact with thai workers living here on the kibbutz due to some bad feeling in the past . my daughter made an interesting comment: anon doesnt look the same anymore, or even act like these guys. what she meant wwas that not just the clothes he was wearing (not just work clothes like the guys were wearing) it was how he was wearing them, but also his facial and body language. his hair cut is still bannork thai as friends from a moshav near by cut his hair. but his way of moving speaking etc has become influenced by living here.

i thought that was interesting since he still doesnt speak hebrew really and next week we have our temporary resident interview and he MUST speak a few sentences with the office poeple... and suddenly he has started to speak a bit, and my daughter has sat with him every weekend tutoring him. it was interesting that he seems to slowly fitting himself a bit in to his surroundings which are so very alien to him. (kibbutz life, israeli jewish households, much more city than where he lived, expectations of his boss (to put in that extra, to use his head a bit more, to take charge) which are so different then what has been expected of him in the past as a foreign worker. he has problems sometimes dealing with changes in schedules, work ours, work procedures (thai farmer types seem to like things that dont change. i.e. they like to wake up in the morning and know what they have to do and they dont mind doing it all day long. they all seem to get made very nervous with change of any sort. any deviations from schedule. )

he is also having a difficult time at work since the thai worker there sees anon as 'not thai' any more (married to me, temp. visa, living in a real house ). he has also changed his drinking habits since here one beer is considered getting drunk. it is not acceptable to sit outside the house and drink a beer or so and hang out with the boys.

anon cooks at home. all we eat is thai food. he absolutely cannot stand the israeli staples of white soft cheese and veggies and bread and yogurts. and it is much more difficult here than most countries to get thai stuff. we have to go to the nearest large city or tel aviv or get from thai workers on moshavs and kibbutzim. pork for instance. he loves pork and shrimp and stuff. here its super expensive and hard to get (not kosher). we make due with eggs and chicken and noodles. we only listen to thai music unless the kids are back from army or my youngest comes home. we recently bought a female puppy to be partner with our foofoo (male lhasa) so that is our surrogate baby (especially anon's)since both dogs need attention and care. he also takes care of our large group of gold fish.

he has had to learn about banking. every month now we have to pay a sort of rent to the kibbutz. it comes out of his bank account (well, ours since he cant have his own here as a foreign worker) automatically. he will have to pay insurance every month also. all the stuff that he has never ever done in his entire life. so it all caught up to him this past month and he was a bit sulky and irritible. a sort of major delayed culture shock. he refuses to understand that there are legal requirements that HE MUST DO whether he wants to or not. that here IS NOT thailand. you cant drive a car w/o a licsense. u have to have insurance. u have to pay taxes.

he doesnt like living here. he doesnt like the noise, the attitude of the people here, the confrontationalism, the religousness, the racism, the bombs or much of anything else. he is here only for me.

the thai population here changes every five years when visas finish. soon his last best best friend from his village will be going home.

internet has been a life saver for thai news, soap operas etc. we are now discussing getting some kind of cable that has thai tv but not sure if i can since the kibbutz controls what company we use for cable tv.

he misses his family but he calls often. he feels no guilt since his sisters and brother are with his parents.

he has difficult times. he sulks, gets irritable quickly, gets tired quickly.

however, all in all, i think that he has expanded his horizons w/o becoming snobby like many of the thai women that move here do. he's really in to getting mechanical stuff for the kitchen (he's descovered the magimix). he still showers in cold water (hot water is free here on kibbutz so go figure). he roasts his peppers outside the house and drives my neighbhors crazy. he's learned to deal with pushy people and bomb scares every other day on the way to or from work. he's even started hitchhiking to get home when he cant make the bus, and he does it and our local area drivers even stop for him, so he has learned the israeli art of hitchhiking body language and smiles.

what i mean to say in all this convoluted post is that anon also was very anti about being 'here' (not as a foreign worker but as a husband actually living a 'real' life here). but in spite of it all, he seems to be getting used to it, his learning curve is sorting it self out with time and patience. he has ups and downs so i really have to be the one to be flexible and understanding.

not sure if that helps at all, but any way...

bina

israel

All of that helps Bina thank-you, all of that made me feel so much better.

My hubby has also changed so much and I think his village friends tend to exclude him from things but he also has moved on from that point in his life as well...grown up perhaps. I will definitely pass Anon's story on to my husband.

Thank-you!

[meme]

It is probably down to each individual and the type of relationship you have in Thailand. Basically, if you two are vrey close here and have few friends and rely a lot on eachother, then the move won't matter too much. Obviously, any Thai would miss the spicy food, Thai friends to chat to every now and then and also family but if you are close, these will... hoepfully.. be the only issues.

If however, you go to Canada and get your friends and he has none, things will be different as he'll feel more isolated.

I have a similar issue. My wife is now pregnant and I want to return home. We've been together 6 years and we're happy as Larry but I worry that her lack of friends, family and food will reverse this abroad.

My wife has been to UK a number of times and loves it as well as my family. All is good there, but holidays are romanticising the situation.

I think if you have a solid relationship and you don't go ignoring him when you get home, things will be OK, but if you go out to work leaving him at home feeling useless or just baby sitting, I think it's not going to be easy. He'll also need his own friends and a job. If all these come into play then the cold will be an annoyance and not an issue.

By the way, would there be any option to move to a larger city if yours is small ?

Thank-you Tango7, good post.

Yes we do spend a lot of time with each other and are very close.

Luckily he has mixed very well with my group of friends in Canada and while the girls go off to do our things he goes off with the boys and plays poker, watches sports etc. So he does have a support system here.

I think you are also right that if he is left at home feeling useless he will not be happy. The plan includes him getting a job and we have already had offers of people who can help him out in finding work. I think his working plays a mjor role in him being happy here as he is a very hard worker and has amazing work ethic.

We are solid and I am hoping we are solid enough to withstand all that lies ahead

[RueFang]

Hey Meme...well, you pretty much know the sitch with us but I'll expand on it here. We've been back in oz for 4 months now. My husby managed to get 2 jobs within 2 weeks of being in the country (before me even!!) but both were as kitchenhands in Thai restaurants. One was slave labour - $6 p/hr below award wage, no meals, and the people were from Isaan...now, this is in no way whatsoever disrespecting people from the northeast, but it's pretty common knowledge for those who've lived in Thailand a long time to know that people from the north/east and southerners aren't particularly fond of each other..very generally speaking (Boo's hubby obviously the exception coz he rocks!! ) so after 3 weeks he quit that one..the other restaurant was awesome as they were all from Songkla/Hat Yai area...all speak southern, all got on fabulously, all the food he could eat included, pay was $4 below award wage but the family feel of the restaurant made it worth it and he really loved working there. He worked there for a couple of months but quit a month or so ago as we moved house and it was impossible for him to get to work anymore. Now, we're waiting for the fruit picking season to start next month as our place is surrounded by heaps of farms and he's pretty much guaranteed a job within walking distance. He has also said that he never wants to work in a Thai restaurant again because they take advantage of him, underpay and they only speak Thai so his English doesn't improve! He's really keen to get a job working with farang!

In oz he gets 500 hours of free English lessons so he goes for 2 full days per week which he really loves and his English has improved leaps and bounds..he's finally putting all the in between words in! The guilt factor about living away from home is HUGE because he is the eldest, his sis and bro live up in Bangkok and no one is 'looking after' his folks now...we had been living with his parents for almost 4 years so it's like we've completely abandoned them and because they're in their late 60s, they're considered near their death beds even though they are fit as horses and still cut rubber every single day of their lives. I talk with his folks for a few minutes when we call and they are always "We miss you so much, when are you coming home?" which is hard to hear but to be expected. Hub calls about 10 people all in one hit about once a fortnight for his Thai conversation fix. He sits on the internet for hours every day reading Thai news and writing on forums (take a Thai keyboard!!). He really really misses Thailand but he says he's happy to live here if he has the reassurance that he can go back for holidays once a year and that if there is an emergency, that he can fly back at the drop of a hat. That said, he is pretty determined to be living back in Thailand in 4 to 5 years - as soon as he can get his Australian citizenship he wants to move back. I don't think I'll be ready to move back that soon but only really because of my well documented mother-in-law issues!!

Knowing your hub, I think he will get really very lonely because he's so social and has so many friends. J is the type of person who doesnt really need friends around but is so used to having so many family around to talk to that he's feeling it a lot and that's the hardest thing for him. Your hub is so easy going though that I think he would fit in super well and can carry decent conversations...the finding work will be really important obviously to fill the time and give him independence...we're also trying to figure out the motorbike/scooter licence..J doesn't have a car licence but hopefully he can get a moto one and we'll buy a little scooter like in Thailand so he's more mobile and more independent. That's definitely one of the huge perks of being back here is his new found sense of freedom and independence...like he's a real grown up away from the fam!!

We eat Thai food 6 out of 7 days..buy the 25kg packs of rice (!!), he's REALLY missing Geng Som (no surprises there!) but we have more variety of the type of Thai food we can cook here cos his parents don't like to change their diets. I think the lonely thing will potentially be offset by the fact that babies are on the horizon, that he can see what it's been like for you living in his culture for so long by living in yours for a while and if he can stay in regular contact with them by phone/internet. It is a roller coaster and I think it is easier for us to live in their culture rather then the other way around because farang are very much more independent creatures...but if there is that reassurance that he can go back any time if he needs to and regular holidays, and if he knows it's not a permanent move...it can definitely work. We're only relatively new to it though but you'll get regular updates!! Let me know developments!

[mssabai]

Haven't done it myself and unfortunately for various reasons it's not even a possibility for me and boyo in the near future (though wish it were!). But I would say (and I know a little more of your situation than you posted to) that I agree with your family. You have to give Mr Meme credit for everything he has done so far. Yes he is a little village boy but he is completely enamoured with you and all your western-ness (and no you aint no shy retiring thai house wife!). He has already followed you across the world (I think on his own at one time?). He WILLINGLY goes back to Canada with you in temepratures that even I would feel not ecstatic about going into. The ball is in his court really. You have to give him the respect of being his own person. If he decides that he can live with you in Canada, because there are obviously a lot of benefits for you as a couple and a family, then that is what you will do. If he chooses to leave his birds and suffer the cold and the lack of Thai food, then you have won the battle. Don't beat yourself up about it. We as western women sacrifice a lot ourselves living in Thailand, but the fact is you get used to it and you really don't notice half the time. The same will happen to him.

Yes he will get lonely and homesick, perhaps more than we would because he will have less of a network than we do in Thailand, but at the same time I also think that it is quite ingrained in Thai culture that certain sacrifices sometimes have to be made in order to benefit the family unit. And this is done without resentment. Perhaps it's a bit buddhist. The fact that mr meme could earn more money probably doing easier jobs than he has ever done before may well be quite empowering! It amazes me when I go and see a friend of ours who lives in Bangkok. She has two kids in Trang who she loves fiercely. Yet she sees them perhaps once a year. She works from 5am until 5pm in order to try and send a very small amount of money home. Yet most of the time she is happy. She is happier doing that than not working (even though her kids would probably still be OK) because at least she is contributing to the family in some way. That, for her, is not a bad life. OK only one small example, but it isn't the only one I have heard. Of course Thai's are not the only people who do this, but I guess what I am trying to say is don't assume that you know what Mr Meme's feelings will be about the move (sadness, seperation, loneliness). Yes he probably will feel these things but it may also please him that you both are doing something for you and your future kids and stuff. If you do move, you and he will have enough to deal with. Don't make uneccesary guilt an extra issue. He loves you, you love him. You have done your but for the relationship (4 years in knowhersville Thailand earning pittance) now he can do his (a few years in Coldsville Canada earning a decent wage).

Sorry a bit stream of consciousness, but I am now half way though my 5 months away from Mr Sabai and it's ok but not always easy. You are so lucky that he CAN go home with you and he WANTS to go home with you. You are most of the way there!

ps - Skype. Genius. Set up a computer and a camera at his ma's, send em 500 baht a month for internet and hey presto!

Edited December 14, 2008 by mssabai

[sbk]

Well, meme, my husband is pretty similar to yours. huge extended family (41 first cousins!), very social and very involved in his local community.

We moved to the US when we first got married, lived with my parents. Ended up back here because we already had a house here, and with dad owning land on the beach felt that we had more opportunity here than in the US. (oddly enough ) Anyway, back to the past.

My husband did speak english pretty well when we first met and did have some uni education. My parents lived in a smallish town with a very small Asian community. Mr sbk ended up working fast food at first and made some very good friends with the Filipinos working there. I think the thing he missed the most was the sense of community as Koh Phangan was very much like your village, very tight knit (or as I put it, everyone knows everyone else and everyone knows everyone else's business ).

He went to English conversation classes, made some friends there, took Jiu Jitsu classes and made some friends there and made friends from work.

Despite the fact that there was no Thai community he still had access to asian food supplies (coastal California) but ended up eating western food alot and still does today (probably half half, thai food and western food now). Frankly, he really enjoyed his stay in the US. Enjoyed the easier life style, the good roads, got his driving license and drove the car, went fishing off the rocks and learned to appreciate all the things a beautiful coastal California town has to offer . Anyway, it gave him a new perspective on not only me but foreigners as well. It strengthened our relationship immensely because he could begin to understand me and my life.

Sure, he'll be lonely, but there is Thai tv online, Skype is great, and he can always call. Although I have to say, when we lived in the US there was no internet and his parents didn't actually have a telephone so he only wrote them letters from time to time. But, he not only survived but ended up thriving and still looks back on his life in the US with fond memories.

[Boo]

Bina (and others with thai partners living overseas) my husband has found a website where you can watch thai television online, it costs gbp 5 per months (around 900 baht) & it has all the old programs too, he has spent the last couple of days glued to his computer laughing his head off. I will get the addy from him.

Meme, my husband has been int he UK for over 4.5 years now & has recently become a British Citizen, he would naturally prefer to live in Thailand but appreciates the opportunities we have here that just aren't available in Thailand, particularly in the current climate & although we planned to move back at the end of next year he has asked that we stay here for another couple of years as he can't see things getting better soon in Thailand, so here we stay for now.

I wont lie & say it has always been great, the first year in particular was difficult, hubby couldn't find a job outside of the thai food places & like ruefang said, Thai employers are shit & the main one near us with owners from chiang mai treated their staff like crap (e.g. the owner used to take all the tips for herself!!!) & then friend who is half thai gave him a job at her place which was good for a bit & much better conditions but sadly her older, full Thai, half brother was manager & as his father was from the south he used to make comments to hubby about issan women being whores & stuff (very odd as this guy had not lived in Thailand since his mum married an irish man when he was about 9 years old but hey, some of these prejudices are deep rooted ) so hubby knocked him out one night after the brother had got drunk & started mouthing off My friend did call up the next day apologising for it & saying her brother was well known as a prick but hubby had had enough so was out of work for a few months.

Once he did get a job (the one he still has now) he was much happier but as paying tax & National insurance which took some stomaching but he enjoyed the "normalcy" of being a proper worker here & all the benefits that came with it, like holiday & sick pay.

Hubby isn't very sociable (bit like ruefangs hubby actually, who also rocks ) so moving across the world wasn't that much of a problem once he had a computer, telephone & access to thai food & even now all these years later doesn't have any friends here beyond the guy he works with & a couple of thai guys he knows through me being mates with their English wives & even then he would never instigate a meet up with them but is happy to chew the fat when we wives organise something.

He speaks daily to his best friend in Khon Kaen as they trade music downloads & talk about guitars (don't ask!!!) & also calls his mum & brother at least 6 times a week cause even though he is the youngest of 2 sons he is treated as the eldest & is the main decision maker (older bro is lovely but not the brightest or most dynamic & is happy for hubby to be the main guy) we also have a 45rai farm so he has to check on that too but the calls are mostly to just chat & speak Thai.

Hubby has def become more pro living in the uk since our son was born 19 months ago & of the 2 of us is the one pushing for us to stay here longer, esp now our son is coming up to pre-school age but we will move back eventually, even if only for a few years for our son to become more involved in the thai side of his heritage.

I agree with others who say that if you have a close, strong relationship in los then moving will be easier as he can lean on you whilst you get settled but he will need to have his own interests outside of you & gettinga job will be key imo to his happiness.

As for not having a Thai community near where you will stay, look further afield & consider settling halfway between so that you both get what you need.

When we moved, my husband had never even been outside of Thailand & I promised him that if he really hated it then after 1 year we would move back but I was not gonna put all that money & hassle into getting him there for him to give up after a couple of months. He agreed & if he had really hated it then of course we would have moved back but luckily he was pretty settled & was able to stay after a year, maybe look to making a similar agreement with your husband?

[Boo]

link to thai tv website. www.seesantv.com

can be paid by paypal.

[endure]

Here's another:

www.thaitv.tv

[bina]

thanx for the links will check them out.... for sure

That said, he is pretty determined to be living back in Thailand in 4 to 5 years - as soon as he can get his Australian citizenship he wants to move back

that seems to be our game plan also although i doubt it will happen due to financial issues...

i really have to have anon go back next year if visa issues allow him out of here without giving up and starting again, so that he can get his liscense there and exchange here... then a scooter or moto bike or even third hand subaru p/u will be good...

he is thinking of doing thai catering here on weekends, of course we have the kosher issues for clientele and i dont know how to explain some of the stuff, also rules and regs which thais hate to deal with (cleaning food certs and stuff)... he can only work in restauraunts or agriculture since other employers wont take 'aliens' for good jobs, and prefer 'other' cheap labour that dont get wage slips or benefits for anything else... and i need him to get a wage slip and minimum and insurance at least cause the visa people need to see that and we need the money.... so we are limited... and also, all restaraunts here are israeli owned only, just wokers are imported frm asia.

his parents cant deal with a cell phone so computer is out of question so no skype for us...

thai keyboard a must

mobility a must

also here, the thai embassy kind of ignores independant thais married in here so we never know about thai event (only high so thais i.e. diplomats know about these things and hi so public) although i check their site religiously.

also anon didnt really hook up with other thai guys married to israeli /farang women although i tried and got some phone numbers... he and they dont like travelling far to see each other so it just never works out...

bina

israel

[Goinghomesoon]

This is a great thread, thanks Meme for starting it. So great to have someone else voice all my fears about moving to Oz with my Thai hubby

[meme]

Thank-you so much ladies!

We have such an amazing group of solid women in this forum, thank-you for sharing your stories, advice and experiences.

I feel so much better now, I can't tell you!

Thanks for the links Boo and endure, Mr. Meme will love that.

This would also be a good place to add other tips, websites etc. for those of you who have them.

My MIL doesn't have a phone, so skype is out of the question but we will have to teach her how to use a mobile once we decide to make the move.

And yes Ms. Sabai, you are right, I am thankful and grateful that Mr.Meme has been able to make 3 trips to Canada already and we are fortunate that this move is even a possibility. Sometimes the whole thing of trying to balance two countries, two cultures, gets so overwhelming its hard to remember how lucky we actually are.

Many thanks again, to all of you.

[bina]

we try to have MIL use mobile but she leaves it all over the place and the battery dies and the grandkids answer so we just gave up. we call brother in law or sis and they go and get mom. paw never speaks on the phone. he's not one for words anyway and is out hunting/gathering (illegal orchids and animals- he's the very old fashioned type) so thats that.

i even thought of getting them a mobile with video (g3) but its way out of price range; maybe this year but then someone will have to know how to use it and not at 3 a.m. (why do thai country folks not remember time differences?)

s i just posted boo, i think anon has just kind of realized that he is now really HERE; and not just 'a few years of work to save and scrimp for going home'. i think he has realized that as long as we are here, we should live, not just exist. we are poor, but living as if u are 'soon to be going back' is not the way to do it. now with his impending temp. resident visa (in one week i hope he can speak two sentences of normal hebrew to the nice ladies at the office) he suddenly is willing to invest in things like thai cable or tv or whatever, and s i've noted before, in kitchen mechanical stuff (no more waking the neighbhors on a saturday while pounding toasted khou neiew and prik, we have a blender now, yeah!).

in the distant future some dentistry is awaiting us for his broken teeth --here it is private and super duper expensive but some cosmetic stuff will help when looking for better jobs, sad to say but when people here see jagged toothed or missed teeth people, they dont give the same respect and attitude, the same as dressing appropriately, all the more important for someone who is very blatantly an outsider (asian faces here far and few and 99% are foreign workers, NOT diplomats or asian language teachers.)

the plan for him to go back for a month of visit time next year is so that he can help organize some beurocratic stuff for his parents, see them a bit as they are old, get his liscense, and take care of some unfinished business that before hand he hadnt even realized was neccessary. (get his land in his name and not father's name, rice land organized, etc. so that if we want ot go and live in thailand, he will have a base for getting me a visa, cause who knows what the gov.t will do about visas for women married to thai men, better safe then sorry.)

i guess that for those that are moving in opposite direction, make sure beurocratic stuff is well organized before u go. for us, the cost of a plane ticket is sky high, so anon wont be able to go back and forth yearly. and my folks are elderly and overseas also.

he also has decided that he wants his brother to come and work here, so has asked his employer to try to file for a visa for him. however, israel's new rules are reducing the amount of workers coming over for the food industry so who knows. if brother can come, that might be interesting and also good, so as to see where anon lives , the realities of life and not the 'dream of streets paved in gold' stuff that the family might be thinking.

stream of conciousness here...

bina

israel

[bella1]

hi all,

My husband and I, have been back in Oz for a couple of years now. I was unsure of how he would go, but he is loving it here.

He has made many friends both stereotypically Australian and other friends from parts of South East Asia. He settled in very quickly, mostly from being pro-active with his hobbies. In fact, he settled quicker than I did. It would be wise to make sure your husband continued his hobbies as soon as possible after you arrived. I think my husband joined the football team the 2nd week we were here. His English wasn't ready, but he skills shone through

He managed to get a job in the trades and his wage equals mine. On the work sites he is picking up English really quickly (not the nicest English, but he is really enjoying the humor). I think the 'sanuk' at the workplace is similar to what he had back in Thailand. As he is on the temporary visa, his thai license is accepted here as long as we have an English translation. Once he gets his permanent visa he has 2 months to get an australian license.

I chuckled when I read RueFangs post "Hub calls about 10 people all in one hit about once a fortnight for his Thai conversation fix" as my husband does exactly the same thing. It is important to get onto skype as most of his friends do not have email.

I wish you luck and feel free to msg me if you would like to know more!

[redfish44]

Thank-you so much ladies!

We have such an amazing group of solid women in this forum, thank-you for sharing your stories, advice and experiences.

...

This would also be a good place to add other tips, websites etc. for those of you who have them.

Hi Meme,

If Mr Meme really loves his Thai birds, it is just as likely that he will find other types of birds in Canada that he likes, such as budgies, finches or parrots, or even another kind of animal.

My boyfriend, a diver, recently had to spend time out of the water due to an injury, and I discovered that he is just as much Dr. Doolittle on land as in the ocean, particularly when we visited the zoo and safari in Singapore while he was out of action - he could find all the animals: confounding and helping the other sightseers, and most would actually seem to come over to him: monkeys climbed out of trees and climbed on him, a kangoaroo even hopped over to where he was sitting and kissed him - twice. He also has a new found understanding of dogs and their behaviour since he started seeing me (a dog person), and though he won't touch them, he seems to like some of them now. Even cats at resturants seems to chill him out after a stressful and tiring day.

Perhaps a trip to the local zoo or place with birds, even a park where he can watch and feed the ducks and swans, would be helpful for Mr Meme during the settling in phase. Give him time to find out what he likes - let him play with your friends cat/rabbit/hamster (or whatever else in around in Canada), and see what happens.

I know that when me and my man are away form the beach, and even if he says he has had enough of diving and needs a break, he will spot any aquarium or the like with his eagle eyes (in shopping malls, resturants, ponds in hotels & parks - anything) and be as intrigued as ever with its contents. If we are in a big unfamiliar city, checking out some fish usually relaxes him quite noticeably, takes his mind out of the madness and best of all - makes him smile (I am sure he doesn't notice these effects at all).

You could also find out things that Mr Meme has always wanted to do or dreamed of doing, but were never really available to him before, and are in Canada - perhaps snow sports?

My boyfreind is convinced that if we ever go to Australia, horseriding is at the top of the list, as he really wants to sit on top of a big horse and learn how to "drive" the horse (like a warrior from one of those thai epic films or somthing). I am sure he will turn out to be a horse-whisperer. As yet we haven't managed to find any horseriding where we have been in SE Asia, so it is something to look forward to in Australia.

I was impressed to read that Mr Meme went back to school to study and can now read English up to year 2 level - I fully understand how hard that would have been and the effort required.

Congratulations to Mr Meme, and to you for supporting him with that.

I am still trying to get my guy to have to the confidence to go to English school when I am away (for the reading and writing - he speaks it fine), as since he left school so young he has an idea in his head that school is not for him.

I didn't realise you were in Trang either - I am currently back working overseas, but counting the days and pining for my man, Koh Lanta and the quiet clamness of that part of Thailand.

Enjoy every second of it while you can.

[mssabai]

Reckon we should plan a south west Thai Visa meet up! Our numbers seem to be growing! Going to be moving to Trang in May and if Meme isn't back by then I am not going to know a soul...

About the school issue Redfish. Mr Sabai also hated school however he is very keen to go back now. But it is because he wants to go to mechanic school and it is the only way to do it. I know a couple of years ago there would have been no way he would have done this. Is there any kind of a goal that would make Mr Redfish more keen on the idea of going? And I am with you on the needing english lessons. Mr Sabai can talk fine (too much I think sometimes!) but his reading and writing is seriously limited (he can read my name and I love you and that's it!). As I am in the UK at the moment I would love to be able to send him texts...

[sbk]

mssabai, don't know how much reading and writing would help. Mr sbk reads and writes in English quite well, could read a book if he wanted to. But, and this is the big but, he said too much reading in English gives him a headache.

Given the nature of the Thai alphabet, I can see his point

[sunspun]

I'm seeing all my thoughts written out in front of me! I've just stumbled upon this forum and am so happy to see it!

In reply to to first post - my husband has come home to Canada with me, and we have been here 7 months. I know the guilt you are talking about. When we were leaving at the airport and his whole (immediate) family came (and I mean everyone) and his mom started crying, and the sisters, and I even saw tears in Pa's eyes..I just wanted to turn around and run back to the village - forgetting my own fathers tears when I left Canada without a return date. (and I know what you mean about the birds...we have 2 - Ong and Bin - and he loves them so much.) I've been there 4 years, lived on the beach in Krabi for half of it (and hated it a lot of the time) and the village for the other half (hating that even more). But even though I'm not happy with my life there, I still feel like I made a mistake bringing him here. He hates it here. There are moments he has fun, but for the most part, he wishes he never left Thailand. It's boring, cold, and we live in the city. I don't know where you are from JP, but we live in Saskatchewan. He has met one Thai couple who run the only real Thai restaurant here, but they aren't friends. He spends most of his time with a group of Mexicans that like to sit around playing guitar and smoke bong, but I can see in his eyes when they break out the spanish songs and joke together in espanol, how much he misses his friends. The food here is terrible (for him), he can't read English, so he works construction in -40 degrees, and to make matters worse, his grandmother is on her deathbed right now, and there is nothing he can do. We are going back in 2 weeks (but only for 6 months) and this is the happiest I have seen him since we got here. If I am not around (working) he just sleeps. I hate Saskatchewan as much as anyone - but this is my home, and where my family is. What would be the point to live in Canada if we were in another city, so far from my family? Might as well be in Thailand.

We are now thinking about having a child. But where? I want to have it in Canada (of course) where the education is better and there is more opportunity, we can both legally work, there is more money, and most important - my family. Mine will be the only grandchildren in my small family. But he, naturally, wants to have them in Thailand. Build a home across from Ma's house and raise our kids with his 9 brothers and sisters families.

I hope my experience is helping you somewhat. I want to tell you it will be great and he will love it...but really? Like what was stated before, it all depends on your relationship and your life. My pua is the best husband anyone could ask for. I know he would do anything to make me happy, and if I say we stay in Canada forever, he would do it. But I know he is not happy. One of the first words I taught him when we got married was "compromise"

Being in a relationship with a Thai will never be easy. I wish I knew that when I was fresh of the boat with a backpack and a naive view of the world. But if I knew then what I know now, I may never have given him a chance.

Good Luck!

[meme]

Thank-you so much ladies!

We have such an amazing group of solid women in this forum, thank-you for sharing your stories, advice and experiences.

...

This would also be a good place to add other tips, websites etc. for those of you who have them.

Hi Meme,

If Mr Meme really loves his Thai birds, it is just as likely that he will find other types of birds in Canada that he likes, such as budgies, finches or parrots, or even another kind of animal.

My boyfriend, a diver, recently had to spend time out of the water due to an injury, and I discovered that he is just as much Dr. Doolittle on land as in the ocean, particularly when we visited the zoo and safari in Singapore while he was out of action - he could find all the animals: confounding and helping the other sightseers, and most would actually seem to come over to him: monkeys climbed out of trees and climbed on him, a kangoaroo even hopped over to where he was sitting and kissed him - twice. He also has a new found understanding of dogs and their behaviour since he started seeing me (a dog person), and though he won't touch them, he seems to like some of them now. Even cats at resturants seems to chill him out after a stressful and tiring day.

Perhaps a trip to the local zoo or place with birds, even a park where he can watch and feed the ducks and swans, would be helpful for Mr Meme during the settling in phase. Give him time to find out what he likes - let him play with your friends cat/rabbit/hamster (or whatever else in around in Canada), and see what happens.

I know that when me and my man are away form the beach, and even if he says he has had enough of diving and needs a break, he will spot any aquarium or the like with his eagle eyes (in shopping malls, resturants, ponds in hotels & parks - anything) and be as intrigued as ever with its contents. If we are in a big unfamiliar city, checking out some fish usually relaxes him quite noticeably, takes his mind out of the madness and best of all - makes him smile (I am sure he doesn't notice these effects at all).

You could also find out things that Mr Meme has always wanted to do or dreamed of doing, but were never really available to him before, and are in Canada - perhaps snow sports?

My boyfreind is convinced that if we ever go to Australia, horseriding is at the top of the list, as he really wants to sit on top of a big horse and learn how to "drive" the horse (like a warrior from one of those thai epic films or somthing). I am sure he will turn out to be a horse-whisperer. As yet we haven't managed to find any horseriding where we have been in SE Asia, so it is something to look forward to in Australia.

I was impressed to read that Mr Meme went back to school to study and can now read English up to year 2 level - I fully understand how hard that would have been and the effort required.

Congratulations to Mr Meme, and to you for supporting him with that.

I am still trying to get my guy to have to the confidence to go to English school when I am away (for the reading and writing - he speaks it fine), as since he left school so young he has an idea in his head that school is not for him.

I didn't realise you were in Trang either - I am currently back working overseas, but counting the days and pining for my man, Koh Lanta and the quiet clamness of that part of Thailand.

Enjoy every second of it while you can.

Yes he loves the horses!! still scared to ride one but it is his favorite animal next to the birds of course!

The problem is half the fun of his birds is that they are prize winning and compete in fighting competitions, which actually just mean they have sing-offs! So while we would probably get a bird here it would not be the same.

The other problem is my husband never had big dreams, his dream is to live in his village with me in a new house that we built and of course his mom lives with us. He never wanted to leave Thailand.

He loves school, mostly the social aspect of it but he was so scared to go at first and had no confidence in himself and now 4 years later he is almost finished!

We spend a lot of time in Koh Lanta! MsSabai is right we should have a Southern meet up!

[meme]

I'm seeing all my thoughts written out in front of me! I've just stumbled upon this forum and am so happy to see it!

In reply to to first post - my husband has come home to Canada with me, and we have been here 7 months. I know the guilt you are talking about. When we were leaving at the airport and his whole (immediate) family came (and I mean everyone) and his mom started crying, and the sisters, and I even saw tears in Pa's eyes..I just wanted to turn around and run back to the village - forgetting my own fathers tears when I left Canada without a return date. (and I know what you mean about the birds...we have 2 - Ong and Bin - and he loves them so much.) I've been there 4 years, lived on the beach in Krabi for half of it (and hated it a lot of the time) and the village for the other half (hating that even more). But even though I'm not happy with my life there, I still feel like I made a mistake bringing him here. He hates it here. There are moments he has fun, but for the most part, he wishes he never left Thailand. It's boring, cold, and we live in the city. I don't know where you are from JP, but we live in Saskatchewan. He has met one Thai couple who run the only real Thai restaurant here, but they aren't friends. He spends most of his time with a group of Mexicans that like to sit around playing guitar and smoke bong, but I can see in his eyes when they break out the spanish songs and joke together in espanol, how much he misses his friends. The food here is terrible (for him), he can't read English, so he works construction in -40 degrees, and to make matters worse, his grandmother is on her deathbed right now, and there is nothing he can do. We are going back in 2 weeks (but only for 6 months) and this is the happiest I have seen him since we got here. If I am not around (working) he just sleeps. I hate Saskatchewan as much as anyone - but this is my home, and where my family is. What would be the point to live in Canada if we were in another city, so far from my family? Might as well be in Thailand.

We are now thinking about having a child. But where? I want to have it in Canada (of course) where the education is better and there is more opportunity, we can both legally work, there is more money, and most important - my family. Mine will be the only grandchildren in my small family. But he, naturally, wants to have them in Thailand. Build a home across from Ma's house and raise our kids with his 9 brothers and sisters families.

I hope my experience is helping you somewhat. I want to tell you it will be great and he will love it...but really? Like what was stated before, it all depends on your relationship and your life. My pua is the best husband anyone could ask for. I know he would do anything to make me happy, and if I say we stay in Canada forever, he would do it. But I know he is not happy. One of the first words I taught him when we got married was "compromise"

Being in a relationship with a Thai will never be easy. I wish I knew that when I was fresh of the boat with a backpack and a naive view of the world. But if I knew then what I know now, I may never have given him a chance.

Good Luck!

Wow! we need to start PMing! Im from Winnipeg!!

Your husband seems to be experiencing all of the things I fear my hubby will go through! And just as you said, my husband is the best and I know he would do anything for me including moving and living in Canada. But I dont know what it will do to our relationship as I will always be worried about him....AHHH GOD THIS IS SO STRESSFUL! And really the -40 degree weather is not helping AT ALL!

[sbk]

Oooh, Winterpeg, meme

I have a dear friend from Winnipeg who moved back to Canada with her husband and kids when their kids reached a certain age. But, her husband came back to Thailand every December to run their resort during high season, so he managed it for quite a few years....

[bina]

hi all totally off the topic -well sort of anyway..some good news.

we got finally got anon's official israeli id card (temporary resident in israel). now we have to do the yearly question and answer interviews for five years and then he can get citizen ship. he can apply for insurance in six months, and it makes it so much easier when dealing with authorities to have the blue id rather then a foreign worker visa and passport.

when we got to the ministery of the interior office, my daughter came with us, since she had a two day break from the army... she had been tutoring anon in hebrew for the past three weeks (essentially getting him to open his mouth and speak in sentences, which he can , simple ones, but refused since basically, he deep down doesnt really enjoy it here so kind of finds passive resistance ways of showing it) ... anyhow, T came with us and the visa lady (who actually knows me from my running the petting zoo in the past, and she raises rabbits) actually suggested that T sit with anon in the office 'for moral support' so he would relax and be able to speak since we are interviewed separately. well, it worked, with T prompting him and in facilitating ... since she works with kids that came here but havent integrated well, she has, as part of her job, learned to teach them using barrier breaking methods etc. so it paid off.

we also paid extra and got a multi entry visa for the year, in case his parents get ill ... plus we can leave for a few months to thailand if we want and come back w/o having to restart the temp. resident process...

all in all,

a good job done; and i see that anon is a bit more relaxed now, more confident. i'm wondering what will happen when two friends from the local asian fast food shop go home as visa time has come again and workers are going home. fortunately one last friend frm his village has two years to go on his visa so we can visit him once every two weeks or so, s he is only an hour plus away from us. anon's junk washing machine business is expanding so that keeps him busy on fridays when i work and he doesnt, and saturdays are travelling or doing house stuff (we have pet chickens and a few papaya trees that are dying as we speak since the temperature just dropped to about 7centegrade (for us it might as well be below freezing : )

lili, our puppy, is a big help, and if there is nothing to do and i am not home, there is internet, or the thai fave hobby, sleep.

anon has his own calling card type cell phone for the thailand phone calls... so he doesnt feel like he is using up m y budget for the house phone... he now hands over a certain amount every month towards food/household stuff, and limits himself to buying one 'toy a month (kitchen tools, handyman tools, that sort of thing), and we are progressing towards getting a new tv, one that actually works properly. these are short term goals that keep him looking forward, but for a bannork thai, two or five years is a very long time, and they prefer short term goals, like these. it helps them feel the time is passing, and gives them positive reinforcement for 'adjusting behavior '.

well, that was off the topic but still, felt that it sort of fit here, there is hope ... i think that as anon starts speaking more, he feels less frustrated and is calmer, can communicate with more people, it will make it easier for him here.

bina

merry christmas channuka etc

israel

Edited December 23, 2008 by bina

[glibb]

hi.... this is my first time on here..... i have a thai hubby, met in thailand almost 6 years ago and lived there for 3.5 years together - then moved to england. Been here over 2 years now and all i can say is it's been hard hard hard. He'd never been abroad before, but was fully willing to give it everything here – money/career-wise we were going nowhere in Thailand (earning 200B a day each) so decided we'd move here for 3ish years, for me to do a degree and him to work and hopefully save money. He found finding work v difficult, spending months out of work, traipsing around looking and being generally treated with disdain – became very depressed and spent most of the time in our room, much of it asleep. Eventually he found work in a Thai restaurant (also underpaid like some of the above) but after a few months had to leave as we moved.... cue another 6 months out of work. Luckily a friend hooked him up with a job in a pub where he's been for almost a year – although he's still underpaid and not treated very well – but cannot afford to not have this job. I thought he would have no problem getting a low-level job – he's so dedicated and works so hard at anything – but people just wouldn't give him a chance. He hasn't made any friends here and is terribly homesick....for everything: food, weather, speaking his own language...... i always knew it would be difficult coming here but never realised quite how big a responsibility it really was bringing him here. It was a bit like having a child at first as he was so dependent on me for everything and really struggled, and still does. I've spent hours and hours trying to help him through everything and trying to figure out a way for us to enjoy our lives here..... and he's tried so hard.... but ultimately have come to the conclusion that we never will – or at least not in the area we're in, which we can't leave until i finish studying. It's also not just him – i've really struggled being back here as well and would never choose to stay here permanently. This doesn't sound very positive i know, HOWEVER............. there's real positives too. It has been a huge relationship test and still is at times (i know other couples who've made the move and not survived – but then i don't think they were so strong to start with) but after going through this together i think we could get through anything and are stronger than ever. From his point of view, having actually lived here he feels he understands me much better than before, and my background and culture – and he's been forced to grow up and become independent in a way which i don't know he ever would have while surrounded by the cushion of his friends and family.... and although he's desperate to go home, he can see the value of what he's gained here – i think what i'm trying to say is that he kinda hates it here but is glad he's been through the experience. Plus we're finally in a position where we're saving money, i'll graduate soonish – it all looks much sweeter when the end is in sight! With hindsight i'd do some things differently but would still come here. I know another couple in a similar situ apart from she's Aussie and we've had a bizarrely similar experience on opposite sides of the world. Not sure if this is helpful....... but that's my story. Now we're just waiting for me to finish uni and get enough savings together then we'll be home free.....................and hopefully back to Thailand for good next year . Good luck whatever you decide to do - if you really want to go and have a strong honest relationship with your husband you'll be fine in the end - my motto now is 'if it doesn't kill you it makes you stronger' - and it could be good - you never know unless you try.

[redfish44]

Wow glibb, good on you for finding the positives. And all of you.

I doubt we would ever go to live in Australia, as when I met my thai man, I was in SE Asia, looking for a nice place to call home one day.

But if we did it, and it wasn't great (which I wouldn't expect it to be), I can at least see how it could be beneficial to us.

Thanks ladies!

[redfish44]

Reckon we should plan a south west Thai Visa meet up! Our numbers seem to be growing! Going to be moving to Trang in May and if Meme isn't back by then I am not going to know a soul...

About the school issue Redfish. Mr Sabai also hated school however he is very keen to go back now. But it is because he wants to go to mechanic school and it is the only way to do it. I know a couple of years ago there would have been no way he would have done this. Is there any kind of a goal that would make Mr Redfish more keen on the idea of going? And I am with you on the needing english lessons. Mr Sabai can talk fine (too much I think sometimes!) but his reading and writing is seriously limited (he can read my name and I love you and that's it!). As I am in the UK at the moment I would love to be able to send him texts...

I agree, we so should meet up at some point. The boys would probably like it too - they can trade stories about their women trying to make them go to English school, and then maybe Mr Meme can inspire them to greatness.

Mine can read a bit, or even a lot if he's been practicing recently (memory a bit like a sieve when it comes to things out of the water). He is pretty good with dive terminology, and that is his incentive to learn English properly - career progression.

He has an email address now, but hasn't quite figured out the actual using the computer bit yet, so am still waiting for a successful email to arrive. Not much different from when my mum got an email address though, and she was a Senior English teacher (who still can't understand, read or send texts either).

[redfish44]

Yes he loves the horses!! still scared to ride one but it is his favorite animal next to the birds of course!

The problem is half the fun of his birds is that they are prize winning and compete in fighting competitions, which actually just mean they have sing-offs! So while we would probably get a bird here it would not be the same.

The other problem is my husband never had big dreams, his dream is to live in his village with me in a new house that we built and of course his mom lives with us. He never wanted to leave Thailand.

He loves school, mostly the social aspect of it but he was so scared to go at first and had no confidence in himself and now 4 years later he is almost finished!

We spend a lot of time in Koh Lanta! MsSabai is right we should have a Southern meet up!

What is it with the horse thing? I guess if you don't grow up with them, they would seem far more interesting than cows or buffalo...

Aren't there birds that sing in Canada? Nightingales? (I am totally guessing as I grew up surrounded by raucous, non-musically enclined, squawking aussie parrots).

My man doesn't really have "big dreams", just wants to know how to "drive a horse".

The more I get to know him though, the more I scratch the surface and find out that he is interested in things that he never considered a possibility before, and that I can probably easily make a reality - if he would like it.

He is still getting used to this aspect of our relationship, and so am I, as it takes us both by surprise.

There is so much stuff he had "seen on tv or in a movie" that he has actually seen in person now, and probably a lot more to come.

The best things are often the smallest and simplest too.

The hotel we stayed in Singapore was non-smoking, so he would go downstairs for a smoke in the evening and sit at a table by the road and "watch the beautiful cars" go by - for ages. He had never seen so many of them, continuously passing by, he was enamoured.

It had never occurred to me what downtown Singapore traffic could look like to someone from small towns of a few boats, minivans, trucks and motorbikes - like an endless parade of the cars you usually only see in movies I guess.

So I guess, if we take our Thai guys somewhere totally removed, the goal is to try and chose (and make) some moments amongst what sounds like could be a struggle "back home", and remember to focus on the strength that will be added to your relationship if you can keep yourselves together in two totally different cultural environments.