Put Off Living In Thailand

[st11x]

G'day,

Wife and I had been living in several countries mostly by ourselves, and I love the privacy and all. The grand plan was to come back to LOS and build a nice little house with a yard for the dogs.

Now, I am starting to worry. I intentionally chose to live some 800 kms away, but still, the extended family and the kitchen sink are coming. We are still renting, and they are coming to visit for now (all expenses paid of course). It's going to be X weeks/months, don't know.

One of these days, it's going to be X years. I hate to think about the loss of privacy, and I don't fancy the thought of supporting anybody outside my immediate family nucleus. Why should I?

Selfish I know, but does anyone feel the same? With this constant thought, I am starting to hold back investments (cars, etc).

Thoughts?

Matt

[samuibeachcomber]

in that case put on hold building the house and continue renting,that way if the extended family become too much for you ,you and wife can always upend and leave,and for now leave your money off shore.

[scottyd]

Build a moat around your house, and change your front door to a drawbridge. Should keep them out for a while, until they build a floating market in it.

[robblok]

Discuss it with your wife and set some rules, i would not accept your situation. I told my wife i would not loan out money to her family or have them living with us. She agreed and we are quite happy together. A visit is ok but no more then that and of course if they visit you can pay some things but but it should not be expected of you. Just sort it out.. then rent a while while you look if your wife upholds the agreement. If she does then buy the house.

[patklang]

I suppose its much easier when you first come to Thailand and eventualy settle down,you know the score than and set ground rules if it gets abused.In your situation if you dont like it dont buy,rent.Then you have to set ground rules yourself and stick with them.Ask how long they are staying forand agree a time scale.

good luck

[Gary A]

You should be talking to your wife. Tell her that your home is your castle and that means that it is for the two of you. The first family member that moves in means that you move out with or without her. It worked for me. My wife's family live in the next village and she is free to go visit them anytime. At their house, of course.

[dave111223]

You don't really give much detail on the Extended Family?

For all we know it could be your wife's 90 year old decrepit widowed mother.

Or it could be 25 half cousins, and all their sponsors and kids.

Quite a big difference.

[mhatami]

Discuss it with your wife and set some rules, i would not accept your situation. I told my wife i would not loan out money to her family or have them living with us. She agreed and we are quite happy together. A visit is ok but no more then that and of course if they visit you can pay some things but but it should not be expected of you. Just sort it out.. then rent a while while you look if your wife upholds the agreement. If she does then buy the house.

I know we frangs are very nice but you have to just say NO.

I am sure she would understand and ask for help to say no too. Do what I did, Tell them to go back home and live your life the way you want not what they want.

[G54]

Have to agree. Set the rules now. Rent not buy as has been said, easier to escape.

You can always refer back to the ground rules you both agreed to if things are not as you agreed. Besides, renting gives you a lot more time to check out where you want to be permanently and it is so cheap to rent here.

[st11x]

Thanks for your thoughts mates.

dave111223, this "first" recce team is a party of 5 - Mum, sis, and kids. I don't have a big place, so it's going to get very crowded in the house for a while. In any case, I would consider even 1 to be too many, especially when visits can last for several months!

We talked about it in the past, but as always, the wife's defenses go up and thinks you are trying to alienate her from her family. If any of the immediate family (along with their families) comes calling, she is going to obliged. She did say before that she can't say no.

I thought putting some distance was going to help, but how wrong was I!

[Dave the Dude]

Hi st11x

Good advice given to you IMHO. I can understand your predicament and I think your wife must tell these people that it is not normal for a ferang to lose his privacy for such long stretches in time. Tell her/them that your wife can go visit/stay with them as much as they want too. That should be no problem unless they see you as an ATM.

Start as you mean to go on. Thai ladies are used to MEN being the head of the family.

Dave

[dave111223]

Thanks for your thoughts mates.

dave111223, this "first" recce team is a party of 5 - Mum, sis, and kids. I don't have a big place, so it's going to get very crowded in the house for a while. In any case, I would consider even 1 to be too many, especially when visits can last for several months!

We talked about it in the past, but as always, the wife's defenses go up and thinks you are trying to alienate her from her family. If any of the immediate family (along with their families) comes calling, she is going to obliged. She did say before that she can't say no.

I thought putting some distance was going to help, but how wrong was I!

Don't the kids have to go to school? Or have they actually switched to going to a school in your area?

[st11x]

Don't the kids have to go to school? Or have they actually switched to going to a school in your area?

I believe there is a 2 month break starting next week. How "nice". When they grow up a little, they might switch to one around my place; hence part of the "recce" trip.

[robblok]

Don't the kids have to go to school? Or have they actually switched to going to a school in your area?

I believe there is a 2 month break starting next week. How "nice". When they grow up a little, they might switch to one around my place; hence part of the "recce" trip.

I would really not accept that. But its between you and your wife.

[edwinclapham]

Don't the kids have to go to school? Or have they actually switched to going to a school in your area?

I believe there is a 2 month break starting next week. How "nice". When they grow up a little, they might switch to one around my place; hence part of the "recce" trip.

I guess its all about saving face as well. a weekend wouldnt hurt, but maybe they in the future they must made a date and keep to it and disappear sunday/monday. Its amazing watching all the food disappear out of the fridge, that does my head in! Hold your ground mate

[jubby]

Don't worry about it. I'm sure they'll be paying board right! and splitting the Utility Bills. Never having food in the fridge when you want to eat is also Character Building .. I can picture you all sat around watching Thai TV in harmony, drinking your Beer.

You've got to say no and be firm. Try firm & nice first ofcourse and quickly before they do switch schools.

A guy in our village has got extended family constantly trying to move in. They are also constantly asking to borrow his car. No ones moved in yet, or took the Car but its only a matter of time as they are working on him relentlessly . No ones every tried to move in with me or borrow my Car , its all about projection. Project some abuse if necessary.

[dave111223]

I guess if it was me i'd just tell my wife "No".

I can't imagine that anyone would think you unreasonable for not wanting 5 people to move into your home.

No need to be a **** about it, but just set some clear demands, such as a maximum of 2 weeks that family can stay.

And why do 5 people need to travel to meet 1 person? Wouldn't it make more sense if you wife traveled to meet them?

[Oberkommando]

You pay = your rules.

Thais are banned from my house with the exception of short visits. Absolutely no overnighters.

Give 'em an inch, they take a mile.

[mahtin]

Thai ladies are used to MEN being the head of the family.

Dave

Affirmative

[st11x]

Thai ladies are used to MEN being the head of the family.

Not true in my case. Head of family in the finance department, that's about it.

Asked the wife an innocuous question "How long are they staying", and she put 2 and 2 together. The waterworks started, the silent treatment, the lot. There is just no room for negotiation, how did you guys manage to say NO, or bring up a topic as sensitive as this?

At one point, she even suggested that maybe I could take a trip back home. So now I have to leave the comforts of my place to go somewhere else while a bunch of people come and make themselves comfortable, all at my expense. Nice!

Doesn't matter if Tom Yum is several times cheaper here than back home if you have to buy several more portions each time you have to buy it!

[sendbaht]

I am lucky in this matter, my wife did not want to live any closer to her family then 100k when we moved to Thailand. We are in CM they all live in CR.

Would'nt you know it our landlord which just happens to live just down the street will not let have have anyone extra guests spend the night in our extra small, small condo, wink wink.

Shoot gosh darn, we have to go visit them. I really like them but not for any extended stay overs.

[t.s]

Thai ladies are used to MEN being the head of the family.

Not true in my case. Head of family in the finance department, that's about it.

Asked the wife an innocuous question "How long are they staying", and she put 2 and 2 together. The waterworks started, the silent treatment, the lot. There is just no room for negotiation, how did you guys manage to say NO, or bring up a topic as sensitive as this?

At one point, she even suggested that maybe I could take a trip back home. So now I have to leave the comforts of my place to go somewhere else while a bunch of people come and make themselves comfortable, all at my expense. Nice!

Doesn't matter if Tom Yum is several times cheaper here than back home if you have to buy several more portions each time you have to buy it!

i agree there is no room for negotiation on this one, now why haven't you made your wife understand that?

i would suggest you get proactive very quickly and ask your wife who she would prefer living with.

no arguments, no waterworks just lay it out and make sure it is understood.

[GrahamF]

Thai ladies are used to MEN being the head of the family.

Not true in my case. Head of family in the finance department, that's about it.

Asked the wife an innocuous question "How long are they staying", and she put 2 and 2 together. The waterworks started, the silent treatment, the lot. There is just no room for negotiation, how did you guys manage to say NO, or bring up a topic as sensitive as this?

At one point, she even suggested that maybe I could take a trip back home. So now I have to leave the comforts of my place to go somewhere else while a bunch of people come and make themselves comfortable, all at my expense. Nice!

Doesn't matter if Tom Yum is several times cheaper here than back home if you have to buy several more portions each time you have to buy it!

i agree there is no room for negotiation on this one, now why haven't you made your wife understand that?

i would suggest you get proactive very quickly and ask your wife who she would prefer living with.

no arguments, no waterworks just lay it out and make sure it is understood.

I think by being too sensitive you have put yourself into awkward situation, by not laying out any groundrules in the first place you are now stuck. I would try a two-step approach now that the family is already there, so as not coming off as a real jerk. Here's what I would suggest, first try to "babyface it", tell your wife things like how much you enjoy spending alone time with her and that you also enjoy your privacy. That you don't mind the family visiting for a certain amount of time, specify an amount of time and the amount of people that YOU are comfortable with, if at all! If the waterworks turn on, etc, then it is time to "reverse the heat" get a little angry, ask her why she is being so mean to you, after all you are only telling her what makes you happy, doesn't she want you to be happy?! Then maybe tell her you are so upset/hurt that you just need to go out for a while to clear your head. If that doesn't work then I would go with what t.s said.

A good lesson to all of us about setting groundrules and communicating in a relationship. If you had done so in the first place you would be a lot happier now.

[473geo]

There appear to be a vast amout of people on this forum who are totally unaware of the strength of family ties in Thailand....or any country for that matter....if you are unwilling to acknowledge the 'family' because of a selfishness not familiar to thais', you run the very real risk of not having much of a relationship.......you may well attain your solitude in paradise.

You are already causing unhappiness....why not live with it for awhile but start going out more on your own...see the reaction

[ozzieovaseas]

Thai ladies are used to MEN being the head of the family.

Doesn't matter if Tom Yum is several times cheaper here than back home if you have to buy several more portions each time you have to buy it!

Make it yourself and mix some carefully selected special ingredients...

that'll bugger em

[capco1]

Thai ladies are used to MEN being the head of the family.

Dave

Affirmative

That may be true unless your wife has lived abroad for more than a few years....... my wife will tell me to piss off in a heart beat! (but that's why we get along so well).

[ozzieovaseas]

There appear to be a vast amout of people on this forum who are totally unaware of the strength of family ties in Thailand....or any country for that matter....if you are unwilling to acknowledge the 'family' because of a selfishness not familiar to thais', you run the very real risk of not having much of a relationship.......you may well attain your solitude in paradise.

You are already causing unhappiness....why not live with it for awhile but start going out more on your own...see the reaction

Err sorry about that last one, i just couldnt help it..

but yes i actually agree with you...thais do not even consider the issue of eating "someone elses food"...it doesnt exist..food is to be shared as that is what gives life and to the thai it is a privelege to share food, so in that regard they would not even consider themselves to be "sponging" off you..

If you arc up at sharing food with family you will risk being seen in a VERY poor light.

I personally would prefer to spend a few thousand baht feeding a decent family than some bargirl in Pattaya

[Dave the Dude]

You are already causing unhappiness....why not live with it for awhile but start going out more on your own...see the reaction

Why should you! Its the home of your immediate family (husband,wife & maybe kids) and no doubt you are the 'bread winner'.

Cross cultural marriages are about give and take, not one sided IMHO.

Sure have visitors but this is an entirely different matter, You are being used too much, get over it!

Dave

[473geo]

You are already causing unhappiness....why not live with it for awhile but start going out more on your own...see the reaction

Why should you! Its the home of your immediate family (husband,wife & maybe kids) and no doubt you are the 'bread winner'.

Cross cultural marriages are about give and take, not one sided IMHO.

Sure have visitors but this is an entirely different matter, You are being used too much, get over it!

Dave

What's to get over...the mother and sister and kids are coming for an extended break.....if it makes the wife happy....where's the problem.......better to 'get over' the selfishness......

[ozzieovaseas]

You are already causing unhappiness....why not live with it for awhile but start going out more on your own...see the reaction

Why should you! Its the home of your immediate family (husband,wife & maybe kids) and no doubt you are the 'bread winner'.

Cross cultural marriages are about give and take, not one sided IMHO.

Sure have visitors but this is an entirely different matter, You are being used too much, get over it!

Dave

you marry the girl, you marry the family....

surely you must know that..

these are old values, which in times past were applied in our own countries..only thais have kept them