Put Off Living In Thailand

[Texpat]

It's too late. Tell them you've got TB. Cough a lot.

Lie in bed groaning all day.

I'll give 'em four days.

[ozzieovaseas]

It's too late. Tell them you've got TB. Cough a lot.

Lie in bed groaning all day.

I'll give 'em four days.

if you really want to make a pr_ck of yourself you could try running around in your ......

nah, not gonna say it!!!

[473geo]

It's too late. Tell them you've got TB. Cough a lot.

Lie in bed groaning all day.

I'll give 'em four days.

if you really want to make a pr_ck of yourself you could try running around in your ......

nah, not gonna say it!!!

Empty the fridge of all alcohol....and go out and drink alone?......do anything,.... but do not place your wife in a difficult situation...it is a no win for you...

[dumball]

Once the family have thier claws emdedded in you , it is like the fish in the claws of an eagle snatched from the sea , relax and take it on the chin OR RUN RABBIT RUN , out of the country .

[Moonrakers]

Threads such as this make me grateful that I married an orphan.

[GrahamF]

You are already causing unhappiness....why not live with it for awhile but start going out more on your own...see the reaction

Why should you! Its the home of your immediate family (husband,wife & maybe kids) and no doubt you are the 'bread winner'.

Cross cultural marriages are about give and take, not one sided IMHO.

Sure have visitors but this is an entirely different matter, You are being used too much, get over it!

Dave

What's to get over...the mother and sister and kids are coming for an extended break.....if it makes the wife happy....where's the problem.......better to 'get over' the selfishness......

Most of us understand that there are cultural differences, but this is a marriage. Obviously the OP is unhappy about the situation and cultural differences or not there should be some compromise. Why should the OP just roll over, because it makes the wife happy, road to a miserable marriage imho.

Be honest, are you going to do something that would make you really unhappy just because your wife wants you too, and I'm not talking about things like taking out the garbage, etc.

[473geo]

You are already causing unhappiness....why not live with it for awhile but start going out more on your own...see the reaction

Why should you! Its the home of your immediate family (husband,wife & maybe kids) and no doubt you are the 'bread winner'.

Cross cultural marriages are about give and take, not one sided IMHO.

Sure have visitors but this is an entirely different matter, You are being used too much, get over it!

Dave

What's to get over...the mother and sister and kids are coming for an extended break.....if it makes the wife happy....where's the problem.......better to 'get over' the selfishness......

Most of us understand that there are cultural differences, but this is a marriage. Obviously the OP is unhappy about the situation and cultural differences or not there should be some compromise. Why should the OP just roll over, because it makes the wife happy, road to a miserable marriage imho.

Be honest, are you going to do something that would make you really unhappy just because your wife wants you too, and I'm not talking about things like taking out the garbage, etc.

Then you understand my point.....compromise......those that try to force a purely selfish decision on the wife, without working out that putting her in a corner choosing him or the family is a bad action; will also run the risk an unhappy marriage.I am advocating that he does not listen only to the 'tell her how it is' brigade......or he surely risks an unhappy marriage......try to box a bit clever.....I guess the family could be really looking forward to the trip and the visit....where does that leave his wife?

[ozzieovaseas]

Maybe the OP could consider renting them the place on the outskirts of the village..

Nah then he would have to pay a fortune in taxi fares!!

[OZEMADE]

G'day,

Wife and I had been living in several countries mostly by ourselves, and I love the privacy and all. The grand plan was to come back to LOS and build a nice little house with a yard for the dogs.

Now, I am starting to worry. I intentionally chose to live some 800 kms away, but still, the extended family and the kitchen sink are coming. We are still renting, and they are coming to visit for now (all expenses paid of course). It's going to be X weeks/months, don't know.

One of these days, it's going to be X years. I hate to think about the loss of privacy, and I don't fancy the thought of supporting anybody outside my immediate family nucleus. Why should I?

Selfish I know, but does anyone feel the same? With this constant thought, I am starting to hold back investments (cars, etc).

Thoughts?

Matt

Tell the wife if it happens again you and her are going to live in another country as you did before.

If she dosent like it, she dosent understand you.

Get rid of her. Stop being a winger and put your foot down.

[473geo]

Maybe the OP could consider renting them the place on the outskirts of the village..

Nah then he would have to pay a fortune in taxi fares!!

I think the walking around 'naturally' was a better idea....

[PeaceBlondie]

Threads like this make me grateful that I partnered with a Thai man with a small family who never sleeps over. A few visit on Sunday, cook me snacks, and go home.

How to say this sympathetically...you married a strong Thai woman. She married a weak farang. One of you needs to change, drastically, soon. Good luck.

[473geo]

Threads like this make me grateful that I partnered with a Thai man with a small family who never sleeps over. A few visit on Sunday, cook me snacks, and go home.

How to say this sympathetically...you married a strong Thai woman. She married a weak farang. One of you needs to change, drastically, soon. Good luck.

Where does her strength come from.....family.....and how many Thai women do you know would contradict their parents if they announced a visit for a few days...weeks.....it is still the parent that runs the life of their siblings in Thailand.....in many cases.....children are reared to respect and obey the wishes of the senior members of the family...are they not?

[ozzieovaseas]

Maybe the OP could consider renting them the place on the outskirts of the village..

Nah then he would have to pay a fortune in taxi fares!!

I think the walking around 'naturally' was a better idea....

Actually i was going to suggest a very old pair of Y-fronts with two holes strategically placed...I used this method in Australia when jehovahs witnesses would come knocking at 9am Sunday morning....

they NEVER came back

[unforgiven]

Discuss it with your wife and set some rules, i would not accept your situation. I told my wife i would not loan out money to her family or have them living with us. She agreed and we are quite happy together. A visit is ok but no more then that and of course if they visit you can pay some things but but it should not be expected of you. Just sort it out.. then rent a while while you look if your wife upholds the agreement. If she does then buy the house.

Their not stupid,they'll wait till you buy Ive seen it many times.It all depends on your wife and your relationship.If she married you like 90% of the thai girls do to boon kun her family for her then your toast and unfortunately you won't know untill they get you in deep.There's a book (only kidding) falang 101 published in esan it has alll the details.My advice ,move far away like suggested and don't pay for anything for her relatives explain to your wife you don't do that even with your own family,see how she takes it.Tell her you never plan on buying in Thai because falangs have now rights and only buffalo buy and that you and her will be happy renting=more freedome watch her squirm and or scheme another way to the $$$$.............I hope I'm wrong for your sake but when you inform her you'll never buy in thailand you see a big change in her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[bonzor]

There appear to be a vast amout of people on this forum who are totally unaware of the strength of family ties in Thailand....or any country for that matter....if you are unwilling to acknowledge the 'family' because of a selfishness not familiar to thais', you run the very real risk of not having much of a relationship.......you may well attain your solitude in paradise.

You are already causing unhappiness....why not live with it for awhile but start going out more on your own...see the reaction

I agree. Family bonds are strong. Why not try and take some pleasure in their company. If you feel so strongly about privacy rent the house next door for them. It's only cheap. Why marry a Thai if you don't like thais? Some of the posters sound like miserable control freaks. I suppose that's why they are in Thailand, they bought into the dream of marrying a doormat.

[G54]

If family of we 'Farang' come to stay we usually understand it is for a weeks holiday or some such. The visiting family help pay for excess and do not moan about doing so, especially as they are staying without paying rent, as opposed to staying in a hotel.

Seems strange a Thai family cannot do the same.

Any reasonable person would make an offer of a contribution and advise how long they would be wanting to stay for. Please not 'wanting', not to dictate how l;ong they will be here for. It is your place after all.

If the 'family' want to stay for an extended time and not make any reasonable contribution, surely that makes them Leeches?

[ozzieovaseas]

If family of we 'Farang' come to stay we usually understand it is for a weeks holiday or some such. The visiting family help pay for excess and do not moan about doing so, especially as they are staying without paying rent, as opposed to staying in a hotel.

Seems strange a Thai family cannot do the same.

Any reasonable person would make an offer of a contribution and advise how long they would be wanting to stay for. Please not 'wanting', not to dictate how l;ong they will be here for. It is your place after all.

If the 'family' want to stay for an extended time and not make any reasonable contribution, surely that makes them Leeches?

Only one problem...the visiting family probably has to survive on less than 10,000 baht a month.

Our relatives chip in because they can afford to..

[473geo]

If family of we 'Farang' come to stay we usually understand it is for a weeks holiday or some such. The visiting family help pay for excess and do not moan about doing so, especially as they are staying without paying rent, as opposed to staying in a hotel.

Seems strange a Thai family cannot do the same.

Any reasonable person would make an offer of a contribution and advise how long they would be wanting to stay for. Please not 'wanting', not to dictate how l;ong they will be here for. It is your place after all.

If the 'family' want to stay for an extended time and not make any reasonable contribution, surely that makes them Leeches?

When I was single and earning a good wage.I put myself out to visit my family as they were all raising their own families, so they would find the travelling more difficult...but they fed me and provided accomodation without question. Money was never an issue either way.....but then again we all had enough....we have 'looked after' each other for years.....a western family...yes with the attitude that within reason nobody in the family will go without......maybe I'm one of the lucky ones......but perhaps you understand my perspective on Thai family more clearly.Their values align very closely to mine.....

[stuandchris]

There are a few, very few who strike lucky. For the vast majority you are a cash cow with limitless funds.

Do it right, you have the cash, that is what they want, so you make the rules. This business of sin sod, sick buffalo etc is of not your business.

If you say that from the outset then no problem, they get your money in other ways.

[473geo]

There are a few, very few who strike lucky. For the vast majority you are a cash cow with limitless funds.

Do it right, you have the cash, that is what they want, so you make the rules. This business of sin sod, sick buffalo etc is of not your business.

If you say that from the outset then no problem, they get your money in other ways.

Have you guys never heard of .....'guile'........

In this instance with the visiting relatives.......suggest perhaps that a long stay by the family, may well postpone the building of the house...for instance....or the next major purchase....thus, the longer they stay the more excuse you are given to keep your money in your pocket... ......learn to use situations to your advantage.

[a99az]

When in ROME.

[loong]

The flood of tears and silent is a form of blackmail.

If it's too late to cancel the trip now, if I were you, I'd put up with it for a week and then tell them it's time for them to go. If this meets resistance from your wife, tell her to go with them for a couple of weeks.

Start using some of her tricks (Ok, don't use the flood of tears)

Ask your wife why she is not interested in your happiness? Why doesn't she love you anymore? Why does she care more about her family than you?

Do as little as possible to make your visitors comfortable.

And one thing, if it happens, and almost surely will. If you are sitting talking to your wife and the family walk in and totally ignore you, interrupt and start talking to her - do not allow it. This is Frikking rude and disrespectful.

If they make plans for the children to change schools (they may not tell you this), then you will have to be really assertive.

Remember, you should not feel like a visitor in your own home.

[473geo]

The flood of tears and silent is a form of blackmail.

If it's too late to cancel the trip now, if I were you, I'd put up with it for a week and then tell them it's time for them to go. If this meets resistance from your wife, tell her to go with them for a couple of weeks.

Start using some of her tricks (Ok, don't use the flood of tears)

Ask your wife why she is not interested in your happiness? Why doesn't she love you anymore? Why does she care more about her family than you?

Do as little as possible to make your visitors comfortable.

And one thing, if it happens, and almost surely will. If you are sitting talking to your wife and the family walk in and totally ignore you, interrupt and start talking to her - do not allow it. This is Frikking rude and disrespectful.

If they make plans for the children to change schools (they may not tell you this), then you will have to be really assertive.

Remember, you should not feel like a visitor in your own home.

Oh.....and a flood of tears may not be a release of inner frustration at been stuck in the middle......a husband who refuses to be understanding on one side.....an insistent family on the other?

[tartempion]

Strange or am I just lucky, but don't think so.

We live 1 km from her parents place, between the village and the family's rice fields.

Thus they pass by every day without bothering us.

Once every 2 months we ask someone in the family to cut the fast growing jungle grass or they need some tools we have but they don't. So we get a family visit every month or so.

Yesterday late afternoon or neighbour was burning his rubbish releasing strong stank. Wife went to see her parents and her mother showed up around 19h. I was positively surprised to have my mother in law coming over for 10 minutes to check the stench.

She will talk yo older folks in the village and so the message will get to our neighbours coming from the village, better than ourselves getting into a dispute with the neighbours.

My wife told me that she talked to her parents before we moved over here telling them they should not behave by invading our privacy or emptying our fridge: that is not done at a farang place

I did try to invite the family to a restaurant once, embarrassed they refused. So what I sometimes do is order a moo kata to be delivered at their place. They are dirt poor by the way.

I have no problems with such nice folks

[henryalleman]

That's why I rented an 2bed/bathroom apartment. And we made an agreement that we will protect our privacy. Lucky all my Thai relatives have a job and their own house.

[Beardog]

Matt

You already answered your own question. It is imperative not only in LOS but anywhere to set the ground rules & make sure they are honored.Since your the breadwinner it is up to you to be strong & just say no way. The key is in communicating with your wife. If it looks like she can't honor your wishes I would look at moving somewhere neutral where the family won't be a factor. P S As much as I love my gal & her family is hellacool I like the distance we have from them & that way it is always a blessing to see them on a visiting bases.

[loong]

Not true in my case. Head of family in the finance department, that's about it.

Asked the wife an innocuous question "How long are they staying", and she put 2 and 2 together. The waterworks started, the silent treatment, the lot. There is just no room for negotiation, how did you guys manage to say NO, or bring up a topic as sensitive as this?

At one point, she even suggested that maybe I could take a trip back home. So now I have to leave the comforts of my place to go somewhere else while a bunch of people come and make themselves comfortable, all at my expense. Nice!

The flood of tears and silent is a form of blackmail.

Oh.....and a flood of tears may not be a release of inner frustration at been stuck in the middle......a husband who refuses to be understanding on one side.....an insistent family on the other?

The OP stated that the waterworks and silent treatment came after he asked how long they are going to stay. A reasonable question after all. He has the right to know.It seems to me that the wife refuses to be understanding, not the husband. If she realises that her husband is unhappy about a visit without a clearly defined timespan and refuses to discuss it, she is giving 100% consideration to her family and zero consideration to her husband. She even suggested that HE leave.

What's to get over...the mother and sister and kids are coming for an extended break.....if it makes the wife happy....where's the problem.......better to 'get over' the selfishness......

The husband is allowing the visit, despite not being happy about it. The wife is refusing to set a time limit for the length of stay.

So who's being selfish?

If the family are still there 1 or 2 years in the future would you still consider him selfish if he is unhappy about it? It appears to me that his main concern is that once they are there, he will be unable to get rid of them, because there has been no limit set on length of stay.

She could go and visit the family as she knows that her husband values his privacy

I agree that in a Thai/farang relationship, the farang should respect Thai culture....to a degree.

But it should not be just one sided.

Edited March 8, 2009 by loong

[jackr]

You pay = your rules.

Thais are banned from my house with the exception of short visits. Absolutely no overnighters.

Give 'em an inch, they take a mile.

Like it

At one point, she even suggested that maybe I could take a trip back home

I reckon you need to have a serious think about your marriage if she's like this.

Oh.....and a flood of tears may not be a release of inner frustration at been stuck in the middle......a husband who refuses to be understanding on one side.....an insistent family on the other?

Mate, give it up. You're obviously content with going native and giving in willy nilly to your extended, but this is not normal behaviour. His missus needs to respect him more and he clearly needs to kick her up the arse.

[phutoie2]

If they are going to move in with you!, some forward planning is required!

First task, buy your own fridge with a good lock and chain.

Second, hide the remote control for TV.

I know as my wife's sister and her two charming brats have just left

[robblok]

Im amazed with all those bleeding hearts in this topic who say you should not refuse this because it puts your wife in a hard spot. What about putting himself in a hard spot if he does, it will only get worse and soon if he builds a house (that wont be on his name) his wife will have even more leverage then now.

I would really not build the house and first set some rules, if the wife does not agree then he has to think if he wants to live like this with his wife or be alone. I have learned you will always have to choose for yourself in the long run else you will lead a real unhappy life.

I had a Thai wife in Holland who thought she could get away with everything, i tried to be good but in the end i choose to divorce. Guess what she is divorcing her 3rd husband next Tuesday. Now i am living in Thailand with a great wife no problems with family what so ever because i set some ground rules.

In the begin they kept begging for money, and asked me to pay for their gas if they came to visit us. Then they would expect me to take them out to dinner and pay for it all. Once is ok but if things like that become normal your nothing more then a walking ATM for them.

Guys who accept things like this are too afraid that their wife will run off, maybe they think they can never get a new one. Could be but if you have to pay to keep your wife with you what kind of relationship are you in then.

Culture works two ways, you don't have to accept everything our own culture has value too. You should be happy in your life and if a situation like this makes you unhappy you should remedy it. If you cant then check if you want to live like that or move on.

You can also let your wife blame you then she isnt in a hard position at all. Its her husbands doing as head of the family. I am not saying you have to break all contact but just keep it on a level your comfortable with. Currently i have no problem when the family comes here because they come seldom and will go away in the end of the day or in really rare occasions stay for a night.

I repeat don't invest a dime in Thailand until your sure because she will have all the leverage and you will be left with nothing.