Are Aussies Really So Bad?

[Artisi]

It is a freeeeeeeeeeeeaking good add.

[Jai Dee]

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy.

All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.

The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and yells,

"He's okay, boys. He's one of us."

[Artisi]

[Jai Dee]

Aussie ingenuity...

The telephone conversation goes...

"Hello, is this the police?"

"Yes it is. How can we help you?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call."

The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers. They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine. They swear at Wazza and leave.

The phone rings at Wazza's house.

"Hey, Wazz. Did the cops come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop up your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, maaaaaate!!!!"

[dr_Pat_Pong]

[Jai Dee]

Australian Immigration Test

Mujibar was trying to get into Australia legally through Immigration. The Immigration Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except there is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter Australia."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."

The Officer said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now lives in a neighbourhood near you, and works at Telstra on the Help Desk.

[Artisi]

The problem with that story is that it's true.

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Oh yes indeedy

[Axel]

Does it ever stop?

BEING STRAYLYAN

At last, a yardstick by which you can measure an "Australian". For

those of you who haven't met an Australian and are not sure what

one is REALLY like!

You're not Australian 'til...

1) You've mimicked Alf Stewart from the TV show Home and Away's

broad, Australian accent, eg. push off, ya flamin' drongo!"

2) You've had an argument with your mate over whether Ford or

Holden makes the better car!

3) You've done the "hot sand" dance at the beach while running from

the ocean back to your towel.

4) You know who Ray Martin is.

5) You start using words like "reckon" and "root" and call people

mate".

6) You stop greeting people with "hello" and go straight to the "how

ya doin'?"

7) You've seriously considered running down the shop in a pair of

Ugg Boots

8) You own a pair of ugg boots.

9) You've been to a day-nighter cricket match and screamed out

incomprehensibly until your throat went raw.

10) You kind of know the first verse to the national anthem, but don't

know what "girt" means.

11) You have a story that somehow revolves around excess

consumption of alcohol and a mate named "Dave".

12) You've risked attending an outdoor music festival on the hottest

day of the year.

13) You've tried to hang off a clothesline while pretending you can

fly.

14) You've had a visit to the emergency room after hanging off the

clothesline pretending you can fly.

15) You own a pair of thongs for everyday use, and another pair of

"dress thongs" for special occasions.

16) You don't know what's in a meat pie, and you don't care.

17) You pronounce Australia as "Stralya"

18) You call soccer soccer, not football

19) You've squeezed Vegemite through vita wheat to make little

Vegemite worms.

20) You suck your coffee through a Tim Tam.

21) You realise that lifeguards are the only people who can get

away with wearing Speedos.

22) You pledge allegiance to Vegemite over Promite. (DEFINITELY)

23) You understand the value of public holidays.

24) Your weekends are spent barracking for your favourite sports

team.

25) You have a toilet dolly.

26) Your Mum or Nan made it.

27) You've played beach cricket with a tennis ball and a bat

fashioned out of a fence post.

28) You firmly believe that in the end, everything will be ok, and

have told a mate in tough times that "She'll be right, mate"

29) You use the phrase, "no worries" at least once a day.

30) You've been on a beach holiday and have probably stayed in a

caravan.

31) You constantly shorten words to "brekkie", "arvo" and "barbie"

32) You've adopted a local bar as your own.

33) You know the oath of mateship can never be limited by

geographical distance.

34) You measure a journey in beer, not kilometres or time. (That's

a 3 beer trip mate) .

[Artisi]

anyone who has the audacity to suck their coffee through a Tim Tam needs rooting good and proper.

[khall64au]

Aussie ingenuity...

The telephone conversation goes...

"Hello, is this the police?"

"Yes it is. How can we help you?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call."

The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers. They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine. They swear at Wazza and leave.

The phone rings at Wazza's house.

"Hey, Wazz. Did the cops come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop up your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, maaaaaate!!!!"

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

THAT is one of the BEST TASTE Aussie jokes I've EVER heard. Thankyou!

[khall64au]

Does it ever stop?

BEING STRAYLYAN

At last, a yardstick by which you can measure an "Australian". For 

those of you who haven't met an Australian and are not sure what 

one is REALLY like!

You're not Australian 'til...

1) You've mimicked Alf Stewart from the TV show Home and Away's 

broad, Australian accent, eg. push off, ya flamin' drongo!"

2) You've had an argument with your mate over whether Ford or 

Holden makes the better car!

3) You've done the "hot sand" dance at the beach while running from 

the ocean back to your towel.

4) You know who Ray Martin is.

5) You start using words like "reckon" and "root" and call people

mate".

6) You stop greeting people with "hello" and go straight to the "how

ya doin'?"

7) You've seriously considered running down the shop in a pair of 

Ugg Boots

8) You own a pair of ugg boots.

9) You've been to a day-nighter cricket match and screamed out

incomprehensibly until your throat went raw.

10) You kind of know the first verse to the national anthem, but don't

know what "girt" means.

11) You have a story that somehow revolves around excess 

consumption of alcohol and a mate named "Dave".

12) You've risked attending an outdoor music festival on the hottest

day of the year.

13) You've tried to hang off a clothesline while pretending you can

fly.

14) You've had a visit to the emergency room after hanging off the

clothesline pretending you can fly.

15) You own a pair of thongs for everyday use, and another pair of

"dress thongs" for special occasions.

16) You don't know what's in a meat pie, and you don't care.

17) You pronounce Australia as "Stralya"

18) You call soccer soccer, not football

19) You've squeezed Vegemite through vita wheat to make little

Vegemite worms.

20) You suck your coffee through a Tim Tam.

21) You realise that lifeguards are the only people who can get 

away with wearing Speedos.

22) You pledge allegiance to Vegemite over Promite. (DEFINITELY)

23) You understand the value of public holidays.

24) Your weekends are spent barracking for your favourite sports

team.

25) You have a toilet dolly.

26) Your Mum or Nan made it.

27) You've played beach cricket with a tennis ball and a bat 

fashioned out of a fence post.

28) You firmly believe that in the end, everything will be ok, and

have told a mate in tough times that "She'll be right, mate"

29) You use the phrase, "no worries" at least once a day.

30) You've been on a beach holiday and have probably stayed in a

caravan.

31) You constantly shorten words to "brekkie", "arvo" and "barbie"

32) You've adopted a local bar as your own.

33) You know the oath of mateship can never be limited by 

geographical distance.

34) You measure a journey in beer, not kilometres or time. (That's 

a 3 beer trip mate) .

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

STOP IT!!!! It's too close to the bone NO MORE!!!

[chuchok]

An Australian school teacher explains to her class that she is a Wallabies fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Wallabies fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Wallabies fan," she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Wallabies fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I am a All Blacks fan, and proud of it," Janie replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, why pray tell are you an All Blacks fan?" "Because my mum is a All Blacks fan, and my dad is All Blacks fan, so I'm a All Blacks fan too!" "Well," said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, "That is no reason for you to be a All Blacks fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom were a moron and your dad were a moron, what would you be then?" "Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be a Wallabies fan."

Theres a kiwi and an ausie walking down the road, and there in on the side of the road is a sheep with its head stuck in a fence. The kiwis like oh score, and runs over and has a quick one, when he's finished he turns around and asks the ausie if he wants a go, the ausie replys "Sure" and gets down on his knees and sticks his head in the fence.

Edited August 3, 2005 by chuchok

[Jai Dee]

<snip>

You're on a roll today maaate!!!

It's about time...

[chuchok]

One more JD...

Three rugby fans were on their way to a game when one fan noticed a foot protruding from a clump of bushes on the side of the road. They all stopped and discovered it was a nud_e female, dead drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the Springbok fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The All-Black fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Australian fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.

The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the springbok cap, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the All-Black cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. The officer then lifted the Australian cap, replaced it, lifted it replaced it, lifted it a third time and replaced it one last time.

The Australian fan was getting upset and finally asked," what are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking lifting and looking?"

Well," said the officer," I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under an Australian hat, I find an @rsehole!"

[chuchok]

SPONSOR A STEVEDORE/LONGSHOREMEN

We need to show them that we care..... ..... ..

It's just not right. Thousands of stevedores in our very own country are

living at or just below the six figure salary line. And if that wasn't bad

enough, many of them may go several weeks or months without a paycheck if

they are forced by the Maritime Union of Australia to strike.

But now you can help. You can sponsor a needy stevedore. For less than

$60 an hour you can help keep a stevedore economically viable during their

time of need. Sixty dollars an hour may not seem like a lot of money to

you, but to a stevedore it could mean the difference between a vacation

skiing in Switzerland or a Mediterranean cruise.

For you, sixty dollars is nothing more than half a week's rent or mortgage

payment. But to a stevedore, sixty dollars an hour will replace a portion

of his or her salary.

During the strike action stevedores are facing the hardships of losing

their daily subsidised hot meals and access to their free gym, swimming

pool and recreational facilities. Many striking stevedores can no longer

take home crates of whiskey or the occasional 100 cm television or new car

that "accidentally" fell-off-the-back-of-a-container-ship and was written

off by the Shipping Line's insurance.

"HOW WILL I KNOW I"M HELPING?"

Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the stevedore

you sponsor. Detailed information about his or her stocks, shares,

savings, and real-estate holdings will be mailed to your home. You will be

able to watch your stevedore's net worth grow. You'll also

get information on how they chose to invest their 2.4 million dollar lump

sum they get upon their retirement.

"HOW WIILL THEY KNOW I'M HELPING?"

Your stevedore will be told that her or she has a SPECIAL FRIEND that just

wants to help. Although the stevedore won't know your name, he or she will

be able to make reverse-charges calls to your home via a special operator

in case they need more funds.

Please charge the account listed below $480 per day for the duration of

the strike.

Please send me a picture of the stevedore I have sponsored, along with a

"Die Scab Die" badge and my very own Stevedore Ticket" which enables me to

claim a wage for up to 4 hours a day while sitting on my ass doing nothing.

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Does it ever stop?

BEING STRAYLYAN

At last, a yardstick by which you can measure an "Australian". For 

those of you who haven't met an Australian and are not sure what 

one is REALLY like!

You're not Australian 'til...

1) You've mimicked Alf Stewart from the TV show Home and Away's 

broad, Australian accent, eg. push off, ya flamin' drongo!"

2) You've had an argument with your mate over whether Ford or 

Holden makes the better car!

3) You've done the "hot sand" dance at the beach while running from 

the ocean back to your towel.

4) You know who Ray Martin is.

5) You start using words like "reckon" and "root" and call people

mate".

6) You stop greeting people with "hello" and go straight to the "how

ya doin'?"

7) You've seriously considered running down the shop in a pair of 

Ugg Boots

8) You own a pair of ugg boots.

9) You've been to a day-nighter cricket match and screamed out

incomprehensibly until your throat went raw.

10) You kind of know the first verse to the national anthem, but don't

know what "girt" means.

11) You have a story that somehow revolves around excess 

consumption of alcohol and a mate named "Dave".

12) You've risked attending an outdoor music festival on the hottest

day of the year.

13) You've tried to hang off a clothesline while pretending you can

fly.

14) You've had a visit to the emergency room after hanging off the

clothesline pretending you can fly.

15) You own a pair of thongs for everyday use, and another pair of

"dress thongs" for special occasions.

16) You don't know what's in a meat pie, and you don't care.

17) You pronounce Australia as "Stralya"

18) You call soccer soccer, not football

19) You've squeezed Vegemite through vita wheat to make little

Vegemite worms.

20) You suck your coffee through a Tim Tam.

21) You realise that lifeguards are the only people who can get 

away with wearing Speedos.

22) You pledge allegiance to Vegemite over Promite. (DEFINITELY)

23) You understand the value of public holidays.

24) Your weekends are spent barracking for your favourite sports

team.

25) You have a toilet dolly.

26) Your Mum or Nan made it.

27) You've played beach cricket with a tennis ball and a bat 

fashioned out of a fence post.

28) You firmly believe that in the end, everything will be ok, and

have told a mate in tough times that "She'll be right, mate"

29) You use the phrase, "no worries" at least once a day.

30) You've been on a beach holiday and have probably stayed in a

caravan.

31) You constantly shorten words to "brekkie", "arvo" and "barbie"

32) You've adopted a local bar as your own.

33) You know the oath of mateship can never be limited by 

geographical distance.

34) You measure a journey in beer, not kilometres or time. (That's 

a 3 beer trip mate) .

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

STOP IT!!!! It's too close to the bone NO MORE!!!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Oh yes indeedy

[mijan246]

I knew you like it, if you are from down under.

I take only credit for posting it here, othrs mailed it to me, same as this one

(takes some buffering)

http://www.mla.com.au/uploads/templates/ot...vich_90_sec.wmv

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

It was good to see Sammy again. (for those that don't know or maybe even don't want to know Sam (the Man) Kekovich was a star Australian Rules footbal player in the late 60's eARLY 70'S - he played for footscray!!

[udon]

It's official: We're top of the world Down Under

By Harriet Alexander

August 2, 2005

Australians convinced of their cultural superiority can rest assured. The rest of the world agrees that Australia is the No. 1 country in many respects; the notable exceptions being exports and, well, culture.

Australia was ranked top in an international survey on country "brands" to be released today.

It was the first choice among 25 countries for investment, immigration, tourism and people but respondents were nonplussed about our exports and culture.

Governance rated highly, with most of the 18,000 respondents describing the Howard Government as "trustworthy".

Simon Anholt, who authored the brands index with the online market research company GMI, said it was up to Australia now to take advantage of the global infatuation with it.

"A powerful and positive nation brand has a direct impact on the country's ability to sell products, influence governments and people," he said.

"Australia is in a perfect position now. Anything that reflects, promotes and sustains those essential and admired Australian values will sell."

Australian people were described as "honest" in the survey, a compliment shared only with people from Britain.

Most countries' populations were described as "hardworking", with some exceptions. Mexicans were thought to be "lazy", the French "intelligent", Americans "ambitious", New Zealanders "Sheep-shaggers", Swedes and Swiss "trustworthy" and Italians, Brazilians and Spaniards "fun".

Australia was about midway down the list when respondents were asked to rate their satisfaction with each country's products and their likelihood of buying them, both of which counted towards a relatively low overall export result.

But Tim Harcourt, the chief economist with Austrade, attributed this to Australia's commodities being largely "hidden".

"Germany has BMW, Finland has Nokia and Japan has Toyota … whereas most of our exports are things like coal and what you don't see on the supermarket shelves."

[dr_Pat_Pong]

We're good guys eh Johnno ?

[Jai Dee]

Most countries' populations were described as "hardworking", with some exceptions. Mexicans were thought to be "lazy", the French "intelligent", Americans "ambitious", New Zealanders "Sheep-shaggers", Swedes and Swiss "trustworthy" and Italians, Brazilians and Spaniards "fun".

That should get a few bites udon...

[dr_Pat_Pong]

The PC Police will do you Udon ( and they'll know where to find you )

[Jai Dee]

The PC Police will do you Udon ( and they'll know where to find you    )

You're right Doc... he did post his GoogleEarth coordinates of his shed didn't he?

[dr_Pat_Pong]

and of course, as you well know, our Udon is a whitey in western sinnee, and long ensconced in the shed (thus depriving five middle eastern families of acommodation ) They know where he is

[udon]

They'll never find me, I've covered the shed roof with branches..

[chuchok]

They'll never find me, I've covered the shed roof with branches..

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Another covert Australian operation...

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Will the raggies know what a tree is ?

[udon]

Will the raggies know what a tree is ?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Only if it's a ceder of Lebanon

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Will the raggies know what a tree is ?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Only if it's a ceder of Lebanon

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

You win ... you win ...

[chuchok]

A New Zealand man was having coffee and croissants with butter and

jam in a cafe when an Australian tourist, chewing gum, sat down next

to him. The New Zealander politely ignored the Australian, who,

nevertheless, started up a conversation.

The Australian snapped his gum and said, "You Kiwi folk eat the whole

bread?"

The Kiwi frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast,

and replied, "Of course."

The Australian blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In Australia, we only

eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle

them, transform them into croissants and sell them to New Zealand."

The Aussie had a smirk on his face. The Kiwi listened in silence.

The Aussie persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?"

Sighing, the Kiwi replied, "Of course."

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the Aussie said, "We don't. In

Australia, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the

peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform

them into jam and sell to New Zealand."

The New Zealander then asked, "Do you have sex in Australia?"

The Australian smiled and said, "Why of course we do."

The New Zealander leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you

do

with the condoms once you've used them?"

"We throw them away, of course."

Now it was the Kiwi's turn to smile. "We don't. In New Zealand, we

put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing

gum and sell them to Australia...

Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?"