Are Aussies Really So Bad?

[Axel]

Lindsay, isn't this the irony of life,or the grass on the other side is always greener.

While I like Bangkok seems good old Brissie has got a nice breeze.

[Jai Dee]

BBQ in Midland

BYO meat and drinks

All welcome

[Artisi]

Trust you kept the wheels so that it's still a mobile unit.-

[Jai Dee]

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, a Fosters, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each other.

At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200.

Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner.

Jill thinks that if she pays him some more attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash of him again, so she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her: "Melbourne".

"So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?" "Glen Iris" he replies.

"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I... what Street?"

"Cameo Street" he replies.

"This is unbelievable..." she says, "What number?"

He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished.

"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22! My parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"

[dr_Pat_Pong]

At least Australians are resourceful

[BambinA]

i think Aussies are not that bad ...that's why Barbie dumb Ken and date with an Aussie surfer called Blaine

Bambi

Take a walk Ken ... Barbie's only got eyes for Blaine.

Edited August 19, 2005 by BambinA

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Ken's spirit was willing but his flesh was weak

[Humphrey Bear]

Sorry.... SEPTIC TANK rhymes with YANK... I do believe it's a WW1 or 11 slang thing with the OLD Aussie Diggers.... don't blame me -  just history 

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And it's always full of sh1t

[LindsayBKK]

and those Dickheads still talk to you Lindsay ? 

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Thats the good thing about Brizzy Humour you can call someone a &lt;deleted&gt; and they'll just laugh . Well almost

One blonde in Brisbane asks another:

"Which is further, Melbourne or the Moon?".

The other replies:

"HELLOOOOO, can you see Melbourne from here???"

Of Course I Love Ya Darling

Your A Bloody Top Notch Bird

And When I Say Your Gorgeous

I Mean Every Single Word

So Ya Bum Is On The Big Side

I Dont Mind A Bit Of Flab

It Means That When I'm Ready

Theres Somethin There To Grab

So Your Belly Isnt Flat No More

I Tell Ya, I Dont Care

So Long As When I Cuddle Ya

I Can Get My Arms Around There

No Sheila Who Is Your Age

Has Nice Round Perky Breasts

They Just Gave Into Gravity

But I Know Ya Did Ya Best

Im Tellin Ya The Truth Now

I Never Tell Ya Lies

I Think Its Very Sexy

That Youv Got Dimples On Ya Thighs

I Swear On Me Nannas Grave Now

The Moment That We Met

I Thought U Was As Good As

I Was Ever Gonna Get

No Matter Wot U Look Like

Ill Always Love Ya Dear

Now Shut Up While The Footys On

And Get Me Another Beer!

[LindsayBKK]

Sorry Guys but I found a ripsnorter!

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Aussie....

1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow?(UK)

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street?(USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney- can Ifollow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. . .

4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)

A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise.(Italy)

A: Let's not touch this one.

6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and HerveyBay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not ...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is. .... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)

A: No, WE don't stink.

12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?

14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia?(France)

A: Only at Christmas.

16. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

17. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

18. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

19. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

20. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

[Jai Dee]

Classic Aussi humour LinsdayBKK... keep 'em coming mate!

Got any Kiwi jokes as well?

Ole Chuchock's been getting off a bit lightly these days...

[jackr]

Crap. The best SAS is the Poms..followed by the Kiwis.

LOL! and where do the Kiwis go to train?? It wasn't over 6 months ago either that the Poms were over here doing the same thing as the Kiwis! And that isn't hearsay! Known FACT!

Go and ask the US military who have the best SAS?! You might be surprised! And anyway... i'm sure you know the actual facts otherwise you wouldn't have posted that statement or was that only YOUR opinion?!

Some classics in there guys, unfortunately I only got to 12 pages before my eyes started to go square.

Iceangel, what's all this tripe about the Aussies having the best SAS? Is that what some bloke told you down the pub? Of course the British and other forces go to Oz to train because of its desert environment - they're not all flocking to Oz because you are the elite. They also go to Borneo for the jungle and numerous other parts of the world to become familiar with every environment.

I take it you know of the 'fan dance' in the UK? Go and ask that bloke down the pub and while you're at it ask him to ask his Aussie SAS mate who the most respected special forces are in the world.

[LindsayBKK]

A New Zealander and an Australian are riding through the

outback when they discover a sheep with its head stuck in

a fence. The Australian gets off his horse, walks over,

shags the sheep, then gets back on his horse.

The Kiwi is staring at him.

"Sorry mate," says the Australian, "D'you want a go?"

"Alright," says the Kiwi and gets off his horse, walks over to

the fence, sticks his head in it and says, "Well, come on then!"

[chuchok]

A New Zealander and an Australian are riding through the

outback when they discover a sheep with its head stuck in

a fence.  The Australian gets off his horse, walks over,

shags the sheep, then gets back on his horse.

The Kiwi is staring at him.

"Sorry mate," says the Australian, "D'you want a go?"

"Alright," says the Kiwi and gets off his horse, walks over to

the fence, sticks his head in it and says, "Well, come on then!"

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Oh dear oh dear....another slow orstraalian.I think this attempt at a joke was about 5 pages back.

[LindsayBKK]

Thats A.U.S.T.R.A.L.I.A for you kiwi's who can't spell anything but the word "Sheep", and that also was about sex pages back.

[chuchok]

Thats A.U.S.T.R.A.L.I.A for you kiwi's who can't spell anything but the word "Sheep", and that also was about sex pages back.

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Better than being a "Roo Rooter".

[udon]

Geez, I'm glad I'm not a Kiwi......

[chuchok]

Geez, I'm glad I'm not a Kiwi......

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Not half as glad I am..

[udon]

I must admit, I had na great time there from '64 to '67 working for Radio Hauraki.

6 o'clock closing was great as a lot of private parties were organised and sly grog houses, The Roedean in Remuera comes to mind and The White Heron bar.

Edited August 23, 2005 by udon

[chuchok]

I must admit, I had na great time there from '64 to '67 working for Radio Hauraki.

6 o'clock closing was great as a lot of private parties were organised and sly grog houses, The Roedean in Remuera comes to mind and The White Heron bar.

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The infamous White heron...never been drunk there before...honest!

So you knew kevin Black?

[udon]

Nope , but I sailed with Jim Davern on 'Fidelis' and crewed on cake days on L.D.Nathan's 'Kahuranghi' yacht, I believe she's still afloat!

[chuchok]

Nope , but I sailed with Jim Davern on 'Fidelis' and crewed on cake days on L.D.Nathan's 'Kahuranghi' yacht, I believe she's still afloat!

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that's probably a bit before my time. L D Nathan got gobbled up by a multi national about 20 years ago, although I think the Yacht is still around.

[dr_Pat_Pong]

I must admit, I had na great time there from '64 to '67 working for Radio Hauraki.

6 o'clock closing was great as a lot of private parties were organised and sly grog houses, The Roedean in Remuera comes to mind and The White Heron bar.

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Always been a piss'ead then Udon ?

[Jai Dee]

I must admit, I had na great time there from '64 to '67 working for Radio Hauraki.

6 o'clock closing was great as a lot of private parties were organised and sly grog houses, The Roedean in Remuera comes to mind and The White Heron bar.

Always been a piss'ead then Udon ?

A true blue piss'ead through and through...

[Jai Dee]

A Priest was seated next to a Queenslander on a flight to Canberra.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Queenslander asked for a Bundy rum and Coke, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the priest if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Queenslander then handed his drink back to the attendant and said "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

[Artisi]

"I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores .............................."

Oh -- to be so lucky

[dr_Pat_Pong]

"I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores .............................."

Oh -- to be so lucky

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[udon]

I must admit, I had na great time there from '64 to '67 working for Radio Hauraki.

6 o'clock closing was great as a lot of private parties were organised and sly grog houses, The Roedean in Remuera comes to mind and The White Heron bar.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Always been a piss'ead then Udon ?

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A true blue piss'ead through and through...

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Only in LoS........... now

Have only had one drink in 11 months with Bill Manly since I got back to Beirut, no fun drinking with Scarfies

[Jai Dee]

I must admit, I had na great time there from '64 to '67 working for Radio Hauraki.

6 o'clock closing was great as a lot of private parties were organised and sly grog houses, The Roedean in Remuera comes to mind and The White Heron bar.

Always been a piss'ead then Udon ?

A true blue piss'ead through and through...

Only in LoS........... now

Have only had one drink in 11 months with Bill Manly since I got back to Beirut, no fun drinking with Scarfies

Coming back soon udon?

I'll buy you one... or two...

[udon]

ASAP mate, as soon as I get results from Nuke Medicine lab about status of legbone.

2 radioactive injections, maybe I'll glow in the dark on rtn.