Are Aussies Really So Bad?

[peter991]

Aboriginal Sorry Day 12/02/2008.

Three aboriginals are sitting at the local shops in Meekathara.

The first bloke says to his mate, "Hey Jeffry wat land ya gonna buy with your money from da gubmint?"

Jeffrey says, " I'm gonna buy Arnom land, dat's good land up der bloke!"

Then Jeffry says to Lewis, " Hey Lewis, what land you gonna buy?"

Lewis says, " I'm gonna buy Gibson land.. Nice place round der eh!"

Then Lewis says to Neville, "Ai! Neville wat land you gonna buy dere bloke?"

Neville replies, " I'm gonna buy LIQUOR LAND!"

[Jai Dee]

Kevin Rudd (Aussie PM) went to an outback community to talk about the stolen generation.

The tribal elders said they knew fark all about a stolen generator.

[suegha]

Kevin Rudd (Aussie PM) went to an outback community to talk about the stolen generation.

The tribal elders said they knew fark all about a stolen generator.

You can see how the confusion would arise!

[johnney]

A Kiwi World.

[suegha]

Oh my word, these are OTT!

[Rooo]

VERY VERY VERY Wrong but funny!

Northern Territory's hottest new pop group! see track listing below.......

All the greatest hits...including:

Money, Money, Money (It's a White Man's world)

Drinking Queen

Walkerloo

The White Man Takes It All

Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (An Apology)

"S.O.S." (Social Outback Services)

The Name Of The Game Is Blame

And Many More....

[dr_Pat_Pong]

On a tour of NZ, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the ocean, for some sightseeing.

He was cruising along the beach at Whangarei Heads in his car when there was a frantic commotion just off the shore.

A helpless man wearing a green and gold Aussie rugby jersey and hat was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 5-metre shark.

As the Pope watched, horrified, a Waka came cruizing up with two men wearing All Black jerseys.

Kora quickly threw a harpoon into the shark`s side. Hohepa reached out and pulled the mauled, bleeding and semi-conscious Aussie from the water. Then, using long clubs, Kora and Hohepa killed the shark and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between NZ and Australia, but now I have seen with my own eyes that is not true."

As the Pope drove off, Kora asked Hohepa "Who the hel_l was that, bro?"

"That was the Pope mate," Hohepa replied. "He's in direct contact with God bro, and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well," Kora said "he may have access to God's wisdom but he don't know Jack Shit about shark fishing......... is the bait holding up okay or do we need to get another Aussie?"

[johnney]

Australian News. Indiginous flags and claim pics.

[suegha]

VERY VERY VERY Wrong but funny!

Northern Territory's hottest new pop group! see track listing below.......

All the greatest hits...including:

Money, Money, Money (It's a White Man's world)

Drinking Queen

Walkerloo

The White Man Takes It All

Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (An Apology)

"S.O.S." (Social Outback Services)

The Name Of The Game Is Blame

And Many More....

Not al all pc roo, but very funny!

[Jai Dee]

SORRY

AUSTRALIAN APOLOGY TO THE ABORIGINAL POPULATION

We apologise for giving you doctors and free medical care, which allows you to survive and multiply so that you can demand apologies.

We apologise for helping you to read and teaching you the English language and thus we opened up to you the entire European civilisation, thought and enterprise.

We feel that we must apologise for building hundreds of homes for you, which you have vandalised and destroyed.

We apologise for giving you law and order which has helped prevent you from slaughtering one another and using the unfortunate for food purposes.

We apologise for developing large farms and properties, which today feed you people, where before, you had the benefits of living off the land and starving during droughts.

We apologise for providing you with warm clothing made of fabric to replace that animal skins you used before.

We apologise for building roads and railway tracks between cities and building cars so that you no longer have to walk over harsh terrain.

We apologise for paying off your vehicle when you fail to pay the installments.

We apologise for giving you free travel anywhere, whenever.

We apologise for giving each and every member of your family $100.00 and free travel to attend an aboriginal funeral.

We apologise for not charging you rent on any lands when white people have to pay.

We apologise for giving you interest free loans.

We apologise for developing oil wells and minerals, including gold and diamonds which you never used and had no idea of their value.

We apologise for developing Ayers rock and Kakadu, and handing them over to you so that you get all the money.

We apologise for allowing taxpayers money paid towards daughters' wedding ($8,000.00 each daughter).

We apologise for giving you $1.7 billion per year for your 250,000 people, which is $48,000.00 per aboriginal man, woman and child.

We apologise for working hard to pay taxes that finance your welfare, medical care, education, etc to the tune of $1.2 billion each year.

We apologise for you having to approach the aboriginal affairs department to verify the above figures. For the trouble you will have identifying the "uncle toms" in your own community who are getting richer and leaving some of you living in squalor and poverty.

We do apologise. We really do.

We humbly beg your forgiveness for all the above sins.

We are only too happy to take back all the above and return you to the paradise of the "outback", whenever you are ready.

[peter991]

Man admits trying to have way with goat

February 29, 2008 12:11pm

A KIWI man has admitted trying to have sex with a goat - but didn't think he'd get busted because "animals couldn't talk".

The North Canterbury 68-year-old, who managed to get his name repressed, told Rangiora District Court he took the goat to the back of his tiny farm and tried to have his way with it.

The court heard it didn't go well - so he did up his trousers, patted the goat and walked off.

"He was contrite, but said he was unable to stop the behaviour," a police spokeswoman said.

The man pleaded guilty to attempting to commit bestiality with a goat. He was convicted and will be sentenced on March 12.

[peter991]

It gets worse ... this just in from news.com.au

Kiwis seek therapy for low sexual desire

Lack of sexual desire and infrequent intercourse are among the most common sexual problems experienced by New Zealanders, according to a new academic study.

Massey University student Laura Buckley carried out the study in conjunction with Sex Therapy New Zealand (STNZ) to identify the types of sexual concerns for which help was sought and to explore whether they are being diagnosed appropriately.

The study found that those making referrals for sexual problems often focused on the symptom such as lack of desire and early ejaculation.

Traditional models of sex therapy had also been symptom oriented.

"We have to look beyond the symptom and find what the cause is in order to bring about lasting change," STNZ director Robyn Salisbury said.

"While New Zealanders have taken on board the medical language of contemporary sex therapy and are now talking more openly about sexual dysfunction, I believe it will always be our style to demand a down to earth, practical approach to sorting out the problem.

"What this research tells us is that is exactly what is needed.

"One man's erectile dysfunction may result simply from not enough direct stimulation; another's may indicate that one or both partners have not learned how to become more intimate after the initial lust period has burned itself out, a third may have a plumbing problem and require medication."

The study found lack of desire and infrequent intercourse were the two most common reasons New Zealanders sought sex therapy.

When this was explored in therapy these sexual concerns were found to require an integrated treatment approach in order to deal with the underlying relationship and intimacy concerns.

Ms Salisbury said the study identified that both New Zealanders and professionals working in the sex therapy field needed to always consider a broader relationship context when finding solutions to sexual concerns.

"The potential complexity of sexual problems suggests that specialist help is required to enable the appropriate solution to be found."

[TopChinese]

It gets worse ... this just in from news.com.au

Kiwis seek therapy for low sexual desire

Funny.. here I thought the Aussies were undersexed.

Aussies among world's most undersexed

By staff writers

AUSTRALIA is among the world's most undersexed nations - but we still outperform the Yanks and the Brits, according to a global survey.

About 60 per cent of Australians have weekly sex, making Aussies the sixth-least sexed nationalities on Earth, the Durex Sexual Wellbeing study - which polled 26,000 people - found.

Japan fared the worst in the survey, with just 34 per cent of its population having sex at least once a week.

The US and Nigeria tied for second last.

On the other end of the scale, 87 per cent of Greeks surveyed were having weekly sex, followed by Brazil (82 per cent ) and Russia (80 per cent).

But the survey also found while the majority of the world’s population saw sex as “fun, enjoyable and a vital part of life”, relatively few people were satisfied.

Orgasms

Worldwide, just 44 per cent of respondents said they were “fully satisfied” with their sex lives and only 48 per cent said they “usually” had orgasms.

Nearly a quarter of men surveyed said they have had difficulties getting an erection, while 29 per cent said they have had problems maintaining one.

Of those respondents who were sexually satisfied, more than 80 per cent said they felt respected by their partner.

Just under one-third said they would like more fun and intimacy during sex.

A spokesperson for Durex said the loss of a person’s virginity often had a big impact on how enjoyable sex would become.

“Our findings suggest that achieving sexual satisfaction starts from your first sexual experience,” the spokesperson said.

“37 per cent agree that their sex life has been positively affected by their first sexual experience.”

[alanpartridge]

Yes they are.

A.Partridge

[peter991]

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in Australia.

~~~

Well, there's a very simple answer.

~~~

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

~~~

We just didn't know we were getting low.

~~~

The reason for that is purely geographical.

~~~

Our OIL is located in Bass Strait, East Queensland Shale Fields, Canning Basin, Perth Basin and the North-West Continental Shelf

~~~

Our DIPSTICKS are located in Canberra!!!

Any Questions ???

NO? I didn't Think So.

Peter

[Jai Dee]

Women's Lib Conference

The first speaker, a lady from England, stood and said 'During last year' s conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb.'

(The crowd cheered).

The second speaker from Russia , stood up and said, 'After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well.

(The crowd again cheered).

The third speaker, an Australian Aboriginal lady, stood up and said, 'Afta lass year's conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucker and washin his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself.

(The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes).

She continued. 'Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffin. Afta da second day I nevah see nuffin, but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit outa my leff eye.'

[johnney]

TO BE EXPECTED!

A New Zealand man has been sentenced to community service after telling police he had been raped by a wombat and the experience had caused him to start speaking "Australian".

Arthur Cradock, a 48-year-old orchard worker from Motueka on South Island, rang police on February 11 to say he was being raped by the slow-moving Australian marsupial at his home, The Nelson Mail reported.

He rang back soon afterwards to say he was withdrawing his complaint against the wombat, a court was told.

"Apart from speaking Australian now, I'm pretty all right you know," he told police in the second call.

Cradock pleaded guilty to using a phone for a fictitious purpose and was sentenced to 75 hours community work.

Prosecutors said alcohol played a large part in Cradock's life, although his defence lawyer said he was not drunk on the afternoon of the phone calls.

[peter991]

Gee - gooly crikey bloke - I just read jonney's post above (#1010) - the theme from the Twilight Zone entered my head!

Changing the subject:

Two Aboriginals, Morton, and his cousin Albert, were driving their old Ford Falcon in the outback one day, when off in the distance they saw a police booze bus.

Morton thinks "this is great" and heads straight for it.

As they pulled up, the Morton winds his window down and says "Two slabs pf Emu Export thanks mate!"

The copper looks at him and says "You must be drunk! Get out of the car and blow into this tube for me."

Morton got out of the car and said "Sorry boss, I can't blow in that. I got a letter from the doc saying I'm asthmatic and I'll pass out if I blow in that."

The cop looks at him and with a bemused look and says "OK. In these cases we require you to give a blood sample."

"Nah nah sorry boss. Can't be doin' that. I got a letter from the Red Cross saying I'm a Haemophiliac and I could bleed to death. Sorry boss, can't do that," said Morton .

By now the copper is getting fairly irate and finally demands a urine sample for testing. Morton looks at him and says "Sorry boss, can't do that either."

The copper says "Surely you can't have a letter for that!!!"

"Bloody oath mate." says Morton , "It's from Kevin's government. Says that you whities can't take the piss out of us blackfellas no more."

Peter

[peter991]

AUSTRALIAN BRICKLAYER'S REPORT

This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information In Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building.

When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 250Kg.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 90 Kg. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.

This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Now devoid of the weight of the bricks (that barrel weighed approximately 50kg) I refer you again to my weight - 90Kg.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly.

The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry.

Kevin Roben

Wagga Glass & Aluminium Pty Ltd

PO Box 5004 (11 Dobney Ave)

Wagga Wagga NSW 2650

[Jai Dee]

Says that you whities can't take the piss out of us blackfellas no more."

[ozsamurai]

An old one

God Bless Australia

In Vietnam things not OK

Think to self must get away

So jump on boat and come to Aussie

"Ah so" I say "what a lovely possie"

Go quick smart to welfare fella

he hand me money - I give bank tella

Welfare say "come here no more"

"We send you cheque right to your door"

Six months on dole no longer poor

Drive around in Commodore

Write to friends in Vietnam

Tell em "Come here quick as can"

Still on welfare (but work on job)

So get loan from finance mob

Get pretty smart - know what is good

Buy big house in Collingwood

Friends write and tell me 'on their way'

Can I find them place to stay

When they arrive with beds I fix

In just four rooms I get 26!!

Soon I am banking plenty rent

Five in backyard live in tent

All are drawing social money

Must think Hawke a 'Bloody Bunny'

With all my friends now living there

Next door neighbours start to swear

Tell me he must move away

I buy his house, with cash I pay

Now everything is going good

Soon I own whole neighbourhood

Open fish shop next to Coles

make big profit from spring rolls

get real fat from eating nice

Sure as hel_l beats bloody rice

Still on welfare - still gets rents

Think I buy Mercedes Benz

Very Happy - real good life

Bring out girl to make her wife

Take up hobby call it breeding

Baby bonus pay for feeding

Kids need dentist, wife need pills

we get for free, we pay no bills

White man good, he pay all year

To keeping welfare running here

We thank Australia, dam_n good place

Too dam_n good for Aussie race

So if you don't like yellow man

Plenty room in Vietnam

[TopChinese]

AUSTRALIAN BRICKLAYER'S REPORT

Kevin Roben

Wagga Glass & Aluminium Pty Ltd

PO Box 5004 (11 Dobney Ave)

Wagga Wagga NSW 2650

OMG This is a real person! He looks the part tho!

http://www.waggachamberofcommerce.com.au/?...oardofdirectors

[Jai Dee]

I see some good news to come finally out of Australia.

Now that the Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd has finally said 'sorry', the aboriginal union is holding a meeting tomorrow to decide whether to end their 220 year strike and start working........

[njpski]

after 1013 entries and 53471 views, what is the conclusion, consensus? Aussies are great!!!

Now can we pick on some other country?

[Zpete]

At the risk of being humiliated by my fellow poms, I LIKE Ozz, have never met an Ozzie I never liked and when I visted your country was made to feel most welcome, (But why are there so many bloody flies in Bunbury?) Still NO WORRIES MATE- TOSS ANOTHER SHRIMP ON THE BARBIE- but I would question the fact that you drink more than us Pom's

Seems ya rite matey.

Luxembourg101.6*66.1*1.6*12.6*Hungary72.2*37.4*3.5*11.4*Czech Republic157.0**16.8*3.8*11.0*Ireland141.2*15.2*2.0*10.8*Germany117.5*23.6*2.0*10.2*Spain78.3*30.6*2.4*10.0*Portugal58.7*42.0*1.4*9.6*United Kingdom101.5*20.1*1.8*9.6*Denmark96.2*32.6*1.1*9.5*Austria110.6*29.8*1.4*9.3*France35.5*48.5*2.4*9.3*Cyprus60.0*17.8*3.9*9.0*Switzerland58.1*40.9*1.6*9.0*Belgium96.2*23.0*1.4*8.8*Russia32.8*8.6*6.2*8.7*Slovakia88.4*13.0*3.5*8.5*Latvia36.6*3.6*6.1*8.1*Romania67.0*23.0*2.0*8.1*Finland80.2*26.3*2.1*7.9*Netherlands78.7*19.6*1.5*7.9*Greece40.4*33.8*1.6*7.7*Australia91.5*20.4*1.2*7.2*Canada67.8*11.0*2.2*7.0*Italy30.1*47.5*0.4*6.9*New Zealand72.8*19.1*1.6*6.8*United States81.6*9.5*1.9*6.8*

Source.....

http://www.britannica.com/eb/article-93902...-countries-2003

[Zpete]

WOW..... first they all bag us Aussies, now us "Shielas"??

Give us a break!

I have just been readng all this rot about us Assies in other topics and OMG..... did any of you notice that all their little pictures etc, are of AUSSIE THINGS rofl! Ned Kelly, Humphrey etc. Next someone might have a vegemite signature? LOL! This totally cracks me up.

We are all criminals?? rofl... that's right i forgot way back then there was no such thing as FREE SETTLERS! and the assumed money the other (non convict) people paid?? That's right! There was no such thing as assisted Immigrants either?! My ancestors actually came over on their own ship!

I really think people shouldn't judge others on hearsay but actually know facts.... cos guess what?! it's those people that always in the end come out looking like real dickheads! Why generalise? Just because of a certain few!

So in Thailand they ALL are paedophiles? If we start to generalise also... that must be what all Thais are.

Aussies are the most down to earth people! We are always there for people/countries etc. Not because we "have to be" but because we do the right thing! We will stand by anyone we think deserves it.

Just ask a soldier that ahs fought in a war with Aussies. Ask any US military personnell that ahs been in Iraq... little known fact is that we were in before the US, we have the best SAS in the world, countries send their armies here to be taught by our SAS!

Come on all you foreigners cut us some slack! I'm not sure why you all have such a low opinion of our country, maybe it's because you've never been here!

AUSSIES ROCK and Australia is "FULLY SIK BRO!"

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Those early criminals were Dodger's after all. And I wanna Vegemite jar avatar

Good American invention, Vegemite, stolen by Ockors.

Eat plenty and skeeters will leave ya alone.

There ya are, alla way from the shakey isles......NZ

[dingdongrb]

USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..

USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA

WORLD'S FASTEST BEER GUZZLER

Steven Petrosino of New Cumberland, Pennsylvania downed 1 liter of beer or 33 ounces in a chilly 1.3 seconds on June 22, 1977.

USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..

USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA

[njpski]

USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..

USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA

WORLD'S FASTEST BEER GUZZLER

Steven Petrosino of New Cumberland, Pennsylvania downed 1 liter of beer or 33 ounces in a chilly 1.3 seconds on June 22, 1977.

USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..

USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA

But was it really BEER or was it dishwater like Bud?

Meanwhile some achievements by serious drinkers - Aussies!!

One of our Prime ministers - Bob Hawke - held the world record for drinking a yard of Ale

One of our most favourite sportsmen - David Boon achieved much fame and notoriety for consuming 52 cans of beer on a flight from Sydney to London^[9]

[Jai Dee]

It's the AFL Grand Final and a man makes his way to his seat right on the wing.

He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

'No,' says the neighbor. 'The seat is empty.'

'This is incredible', said the man. 'Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for AFL Grandfinal and not use it?'

The neighbour says 'Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first AFL Grand final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967.'

'Oh .... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?'

The man shakes his head 'No, they're all at the funeral.'

[dingdongrb]

USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..

USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA

WORLD'S FASTEST BEER GUZZLER

Steven Petrosino of New Cumberland, Pennsylvania downed 1 liter of beer or 33 ounces in a chilly 1.3 seconds on June 22, 1977.

USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..

USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA..USA

But was it really BEER or was it dishwater like Bud?

I think it was more of a 'piss-water' beer called Fosters....

Meanwhile some achievements by serious drinkers - Aussies!!

One of our Prime ministers - Bob Hawke - held the world record for drinking a yard of Ale

Key word here, "held"...Does he still hold that record and what was the time?

One of our most favourite sportsmen - David Boon achieved much fame and notoriety for consuming 52 cans of beer on a flight from Sydney to London^[9]

Wow, that's not too bad... From my calculations that is about 1 can every 12-14 minutes.... I used to drink myself one can every 5-7 minutes while watching some American football (this is not ths sissy sport you all call 'soccer') on Sundays. But I found it much easier just to drink straight from the keg.............It's hard for me to beleive they actually served him that many beers on a single flight.

Got anymore ridicious feats you Aussies are proud of? This time please provide better evidence other than your post scriptures...