What Type Was It?

[tuky]

The Perfect Dump.

Every once in a while, everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but

a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get

is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the

splashless grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet

tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all

is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.

The Beer Dump.

Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too Many

beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister,

lengthy noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close

the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.....

The Chilli Dump (a.k.a. the Japanese Flag).

Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. This dump makes the bowl

look like Hiroshima (after the bomb), it stays with you all day stinging

your ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle's

heat shield. Also makes your ass look like a japanese flag.

The Empty Roll Dump.

Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty

cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use

the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the

rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion

that every "empty roll dumper " must face... pull up your kecks, tighten

your cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you

could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!

The Splash Back Dump.

This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that

washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet -

and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back. Tip of

the day: blot instead of wiping.

The Childbirth Dump.

This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for

this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and

then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your

loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies

trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do: 1.

Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to ###### you've got some Vaseline to

help you get through it.

The Machine Gun Dump.

Best utilised in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when

suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquillity

like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a

Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16... ###### commies.

The Sound Effect Dump.

You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are

within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the

disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing isof the essence. At the

precise moment of release, try the following:

1. Flush the toilet.

2. Drop loose change on the floor.

3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favourite opera.

The Cling-On Dump.

You've finished but there's one ###### morsel that refuses to drop. You grip

the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little

ba***rd just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between

you and the water below. If only you had some scissors...

The Whole Roll Dump.

No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole roll

and have to flush at least a dozen times.

The Encore Dump.

Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to

leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must

therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores...

The Houdini Dump.

You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the

pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes, as you can

guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the next person

who comes in

[Jai Dee]

Thanks tuky... priceless!!!

Tears of laughter are rolling down my face!!!

[Thetyim]

The wife has just come over to comfort me,

she thinks I'm crying.

Thanks Tuky

[Gazza]

One shouldn't forget this one.

The Zorro Dump.

As it starts spinning down towards the bend during the flush, it leaves it's signature marks on the inside of the bowl. Then you have to quickly reach for the bum squirter to erase the marks before the bowl fills up with water again.

[chuchok]

"The Houdini" aka The Ghost <deleted>.

[tuky]

One shouldn't forget this one.

The Zorro Dump.

As it starts spinning down towards the bend during the flush, it leaves it's signature marks on the inside of the bowl. Then you have to quickly reach for the bum squirter to erase the marks before the bowl fills up with water again. 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Also:

The Floater.

This one is usually light brown in color and has a 'fluffy' consitancy. It just sits there floating on the water after you have flushed... You have to put layers of paper over the offending object hoping the paper will drag the Floater down and out through the pipe. Several attempts are often necessary to get rid of the entire dump.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

whats the one called that requires a wire coathanger to break it up before flushing? otherwise is jams the s bend

[chuchok]

One shouldn't forget this one.

The Zorro Dump.

As it starts spinning down towards the bend during the flush, it leaves it's signature marks on the inside of the bowl. Then you have to quickly reach for the bum squirter to erase the marks before the bowl fills up with water again. 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Also:

The Floater.

This one is usually light brown in color and has a 'fluffy' consitancy. It just sits there floating on the water after you have flushed... You have to put layers of paper over the offending object hoping the paper will drag the Floater down and out through the pipe. Several attempts are often necessary to get rid of the entire dump.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

whats the one called that requires a wire coathanger to break it up before flushing? otherwise is jams the s bend

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I would't like to hang my coat at your place...