How To Deal With A Tom?

[ernest1966]

My wife's cousin hubby has flown in from Switzerland last couple of days. So, off to the airport, pick him up, then off to a food establishment (loath to call it a restaraunt, thats poetic license gone too far). So we are sitting there and this Tom goes up to my wife's cousin, touches her on the inner thigh, kisses her and hands her her (too many her's?) telephone number on a piece of paper.

The swiss bloke is totally at ease with this, just calm, but when they get home you can hear lots of shouting from their home. According to the wife, cousin was a bit bi (understatement) in her younger days and the Tom (Net) was her old fling, they'd rekindled the relationship several times over the years.

Hubby had made her get rid of her old sim card, so thats why the telephone number, although the Tom new where she lived she'd never been so silly as to try and visit. Now there are huge problems because all the family are angry with the wife's cousin as her hubby is such a nice bloke, always polite, speaks fluent thai and has really taken care of her.

So what is the proper response ? I don't really know what the rules are over here as thankfully I've never had to deal with this. From what the wife says quite a few girls explore their sexuality whilst at school and many Toms have what are now (apparently) 100% straight females.

If it was me and I was in the UK, I'd treat a Tom like another guy but I reckon this is unnaceptable in Thai society.

[sanook2me]

My wife's cousin hubby has flown in from Switzerland last couple of days. So, off to the airport, pick him up, then off to a food establishment (loath to call it a restaraunt, thats poetic license gone too far). So we are sitting there and this Tom goes up to my wife's cousin, touches her on the inner thigh, kisses her and hands her her (too many her's?) telephone number on a piece of paper.

The swiss bloke is totally at ease with this, just calm, but when they get home you can hear lots of shouting from their home. According to the wife, cousin was a bit bi (understatement) in her younger days and the Tom (Net) was her old fling, they'd rekindled the relationship several times over the years.

Hubby had made her get rid of her old sim card, so thats why the telephone number, although the Tom new where she lived she'd never been so silly as to try and visit. Now there are huge problems because all the family are angry with the wife's cousin as her hubby is such a nice bloke, always polite, speaks fluent thai and has really taken care of her.

So what is the proper response ? I don't really know what the rules are over here as thankfully I've never had to deal with this. From what the wife says quite a few girls explore their sexuality whilst at school and many Toms have what are now (apparently) 100% straight females.

If it was me and I was in the UK, I'd treat a Tom like another guy but I reckon this is unnaceptable in Thai society.

Toms seem to be more prevalent here than in the UK - an ex of mine used to share a condo with a tom and not once did I think about them having something going on but now I wonder and how p1ssed if they were as it would have been a top fantasy as the tom was even sexier than my ex.

Wife has a best friend who is a tom too and she is like a snakehead always got a new tom girlfriend and most of them are young in there 20's as she is in her 40's. I wonder if they are experimenting as your wife suggested to you.

What's wrong with hubby - just laugh it off - its a bloody tom for f*cks sake - also if he's so fluent in Thai - why hasn't he spoken to the tom on the quiet..

most blokes dream the mrs and an other girl - sure husband doesn't bat for the other side

[ernest1966]

The tom is not fantasy material, believe me. Die hard lesbian, not into blokes at all.

Wife went to school with her as well, when the tom was 16 she attacked a bloke (22) who had a bit of verbal with her for touching his g/f, with a machette. Shes also part of the towns local thai mafia aparently, so well connected.

I don't give a flying <deleted> as its got nothing to do with me, but feel sorry for the poor bloke. I think others have told him what the tom is capable of, thats why he did nothing.

Just wanted to know what others would do in the same situation.

Edited April 16, 2009 by ernest1966

[sanook2me]

The tom is not fantasy material, believe me. Die hard lesbian, not into blokes at all.

Wife went to school with her as well, when the tom was 16 she attacked a bloke (22) who had a bit of verbal with her for touching his g/f, with a machette. Shes also part of the towns local thai mafia aparently, so well connected.

I don't give a flying <deleted> as its got nothing to do with me, but feel sorry for the poor bloke. I think others have told him what the tom is capable of, thats why he did nothing.

Just wanted to know what others would do in the same situation.

Take his mrs back home then... otherwise he might join one of many clubs they have in Thailand for farangs

The flying club

The accident club

The suicide club

The death by natural causes club

Good luck to your mate, it is a tricky one given the circumstances...

[CelticBhoy]

The most evil of all Thais is a spurned 'tom'.

The Swiss guy is smart to say nothing to her.

I would stay well clear.

[Mosha]

@ Sannok2me, according to my wife a Tom's significant other is referred to has a Dee

[katasyd]

Want to act like a man, get treated like a man.

*backhander*

[jfchandler]

I believe, the correct terms are.... Tom for the masculine lesbian...and Dee for the feminine lesbian.

You wouldn't have two Toms together as GF, generally speaking. But I'd be OK going together with two Dee's.....

No machettes...please!

[Indo-Siam]

The "Tom" doing this in the presence of the husband was a direct challenge by one "alpha male" to another "alpha male". If he just grins and bears it, the Tom becomes "top dog", and hubby becomes just a source of funds.

It's not clear how long the Switzerland couple plan to remain in Thailand. If this is a brief visit, probably best to just go with the flow, not make a big deal, and let the incident pass.

If the Swiss couple is relocating back to that community in Thailand, then the husband has the choice of being the side show "bitch" of a better Tom-man than himself, or of standing up and reasserting that he is the alpha male. It's his choice - whether he wants to get punked and stay punked - or figure out how to stand up.

[Livinginexile]

I ddunno, call me a sick bastard I guess but if this was to happen to my wife I would be delighted

First thing on my mind would be; threesome on the cards?

At worst I would be making a compromise with them to just watch

Your friend could have a nice little thing going if he played his cars right.

[scorecard]

In places where there are large numbers of female employees it's common for girl gangs to form.

In most cases the gang leader is a full dyke Tom.

Upsetting the Tom gang leader is very dangerous and there's a good chance it will lead to violence.

Most girls who end up in this situation disappear very quickly.

[ernest1966]

Well, looks like I ower my wife 1000baht, that was the bet, she said to me "her husband is fuc_ked" and from all opinions on here I think he is. He either goes back home with her or dumps her. At the moment she doesn't want to go back, but the kids are there, so he might get custordy at least. Don't think his wife cares to be honest as he's already lost face by not standing up to the tom.

[JimsKnight]

Toms are a funny breed.

Had a chick who was sorta on the fringes.

Whether a Tom or a Dee I'm not too sure.

Certainly slept with me a few times but made it clear it was a comfort until she found a Dee for herself!

She did after about 3 weeks and it was time to find another bird

[thithi]

hate TOM!

i can say that all of them are soooo arrogant. that's why they are tom boys!

they think they are boys, can do things like boys can.

i have nothing with lesbo or bi ... but TOM!

sorry a bit off topic

[ernest1966]

hmmm

.

[jfchandler]

Thithi... don't knock it... until you've tried it!!!

[thunder30101]

Well back home when we had a tom that was getting too wild we would take him straight to the vet to get neutered.

[girlx]

can't really neuter these toms

[WinnieTheKhwai]

Honestly they're no worse (or different) than guys..

[eek]

I believe first of all the husband and wife need to sort this out between them. The Tom showed blatent disrespect to her husband (if she knew who it was), but i think he was very right to play it cool. It shouldnt matter whether the person was Tom or Dee or Hetro male, if someones wife/partner is given a number like that, she should politely decline it, or just smile and take it but then not keep it . Seeing as she knew the Tom it may have been nice for her to introduce them to each other, respectfully. (but that may be rocky territory..only the wife could know if that would be a good thing to do or not). (or, if appropriate, send a short message wishing them well, but letting them know they are happily married now)

Anyway, its in the past right? So, her husband should trust and respect her. Its not like she can stop another person from admiring her. Not her fault, so long as she doesnt intend to do anything about it. If she is open and honest with her husband and has done no wrong, there is no reason he should doubt her or give her the third degree. They should talk about how to handle this if it happens again, so that they both feel ok about it and know what to expect. The husband should voice what he would prefer she do, but respect how she wishes to handle it. As for the Tom, just be polite but ignore. What harm can she do?

Edited April 19, 2009 by eek

[Moonrakers]

Toms scare the <deleted> out of me.

Back home I used to drink in a bikers pub, and despite not being a big lad myself I rarely felt threatened.

Until One Tom turned up at the pub one day and that all changed. She was a bitter, nasty character whom had an intense hatred for all things Male and wouldn't think twice about hitting somebody with a glass.

Others I have met since have been similar characters and although I am aware that I am generalising, they still give me the heebee jeebies.

[ernest1966]

I know I am generalising but excuse me for this. On the whole Tom's have the upper hand, because the majority of males have been brought up conditioned NOT to hit the female sex under any circumstance.

Some of the toms I have seen about town have scared the shit out of me, the one that is causing my wife's cousin and her hubby all this agro is a definate hard case and loves and dirty fight.

On a side note, although not as high as violence to females from their male partners, there are many men who suffer from PMT induced violence from their other halves, its a sad fact and some of these guys are too "ashamed" (not sure if that is the correct wording) to admit it, or seek councilling for their wives/gfs

[coventry]

So what is the proper response ?

Speak to her in Gaelic (Gay Lick), it's the only language they know.

[bkkjames]

Never could understand the 'fashion' of being a Tom.

Generally, they are short, fattish, not very attractive but well shaven.

Do they go to a school to learn how to act 'tommish'?

Do they reach some age like 16 and realise that they are not beautiful enough to attract a man - so if you cant beat em, become one?

I am with Thithi on this one, I like my lesbians cute and cuddly. No time for every Tom Dick or Harry.

[BigSnake]

I guess it will be up to the wife if she want the hubby or the tom or maybe she want both, her, hubby and tom must work that out. For me dealing with a tom, I give the a smile and a wide wide berth.

[mmrooms]

Never could understand the 'fashion' of being a Tom.

Generally, they are short, fattish, not very attractive but well shaven.

Do they go to a school to learn how to act 'tommish'?

Do they reach some age like 16 and realise that they are not beautiful enough to attract a man - so if you cant beat em, become one?

I am with Thithi on this one, I like my lesbians cute and cuddly. No time for every Tom Dick or Harry.

man I laughed so hard that my GF came in my room asking if anything was wrong :D:D

[bkkjames]

Never could understand the 'fashion' of being a Tom.

Generally, they are short, fattish, not very attractive but well shaven.

Do they go to a school to learn how to act 'tommish'?

Do they reach some age like 16 and realise that they are not beautiful enough to attract a man - so if you cant beat em, become one?

I am with Thithi on this one, I like my lesbians cute and cuddly. No time for every Tom Dick or Harry.

man I laughed so hard that my GF came in my room asking if anything was wrong :D:D

I aim to please.

[jfchandler]

I am with Thithi on this one, I like my lesbians cute and cuddly. No time for every Tom Dick or Harry.

I agree with you James... I don't care for Toms who are Harry or have Dicks... Give me cute, cuddly and shaven any day...

[nidhogg]

The "Tom" doing this in the presence of the husband was a direct challenge by one "alpha male" to another "alpha male". If he just grins and bears it, the Tom becomes "top dog", and hubby becomes just a source of funds.

It's not clear how long the Switzerland couple plan to remain in Thailand. If this is a brief visit, probably best to just go with the flow, not make a big deal, and let the incident pass.

If the Swiss couple is relocating back to that community in Thailand, then the husband has the choice of being the side show "bitch" of a better Tom-man than himself, or of standing up and reasserting that he is the alpha male. It's his choice - whether he wants to get punked and stay punked - or figure out how to stand up.

Now we know. Clearly, according to your theory, the Swiss guy forgot to pee on his wife to mark his territory.

[Lami]

this Tom goes up to my wife's cousin, touches her on the inner thigh, kisses her and hands her her (too many her's?) telephone number on a piece of paper

You forgot to tell us how your wife's cousin reacted .

Proprietorial gestures and "male to male" challenges aside, I am quite sure the Thai view of this would largely focus on who lost/gained face.

Not sure that the Swiss guy's situation would be seen from quite that aspect, though?