On that toilet seat issue most of you men are just completely insensitive, totally unconcerned about your partner's delicate sensibilities. I, for one, NEVER leave the toilet seat up, in fact I never PUT the toilet seat up.....I just pee in the sink.

My Dad would do that on Friday night after a good session at the pub.

We fixed him though.

One Friday night, we left the tap running and he was there till morning!

The other day my son came into the living room and asked;

Dad, what's love juice?

I thought what and turned my head towards my wife and gave a quizzical look.

He's watching the tennis she said!

I found out why the Chinese have eyes like that.

I bought some cheap aftershave from China .

After I slapped some on, the pain made me squint too!

As an animal lover, I was shocked when the other day, I ran over and killed a dog.

I jumped out of the car and quickly put a suicide note under it's paw!

I was up in court the other day and the Judge said:

"Do you have anything to say before I pass sentence?"

I replied "<deleted> all!"

The Judge asked my barrister; "what did he say?"

"<deleted> all" the barrister said.

The Judge said; "Funny, I could have sworn that I saw his lips move!"

A millionairess in Australia said she wanted a virgin man.

The looked all over Austrailia and couldn’t find one.

Finally, way way out in the outback, they found an Aborigine man who had never had sex with a woman.

They brought him to her bedroom.

There she lay on the bed with little red socks and little red gloves on

and her legs spread apart.

She looked like the five of diamonds.

The Aborigine rolled up the carpet, took down the curtains.

As he was removing all the knickknacks from the dresser.

The lady asked; “What are you doing?”

He replied; “Well, I’ve never had a woman, but if they are anything like a kangaroo, we’ll need plenty of space!”

A fellow went to the Doctors and said that he couldn’t stop scratching his balls.

The Dr examined him and said “You’ve got crabs”

The man asked if the Dr could do anything to help.

The Dr said, on your way home get a pound of caster sugar and rub it well in.

The man asked if that would kill them

The Dr replied “No, it rots their teeth so you’ll get a good night’s sleep!”

A father and son are out shopping for Christmas presents for their family. The son asks, "What present are my sister and I going to get?" The dad answers, "I got you guys an iPad and iPod." "Wow, thanks," the son replies, "What will you give mom?" The dad says, "Your mom is getting an iRon."

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse approaches the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of twins.” “That's odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!” A nurse then yells the second man, “Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!” “That's weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!” A nurse goes up to the third man saying, “Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets." “That's strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!” The last man begins groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What's wrong?” the others ask. “I work for 7 Up!”

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

A ninety year old aboriginal elder sat in his humpy eyeing two government 'Welfare' officials sent to interview him.

One official said to him: "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You have seen his wars and his technological advances. You have seen his progress and the damage he has done."

The elder nodded in agreement.

The official continued: "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white fella go wrong?"

The elder stared at the two government officials for over a minute and then he calmly replied:
"When whitefella found the land, us blackfellas were running it. There were
No taxes,
No debt,
Plenty kangaroo,
Plenty fish,
Women did all the work,
Medicine man free,
Aboriginal man spent all day hunting and fishing,
All night having sex."

Then the elder leaned back and smiled:

"Only white fella bloody stupid enough to think he could improve a system like that."

A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight. They start eying each other, and both realise they want to do the same thing. He slips a
condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted.

Rear toilet? He suggests. Five minutes, she agrees and goes off. He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her. Right, get that condom on,
she says. Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure.

But a sharp eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realised what they are up to, So, she humiliates them by making an announcement over the PA
system.


"To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now, please put those
cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."

Jesus walks into a restaurant and says to the Maitre'd, "Table, for 26
please."

Confused, the Maitre'd does a quick head count, and says "But there are
only 13 of you."

Jesus replies, "Yes, but we are all going to sit on the same side."

I went out with an inflatable woman once.

It didn't last.

So I let her down gently.

The Domesticator Building Germany.

A drunk man who smelled like beer
sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face
was plastered with red lipstick, and
a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking
out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and
began reading.
After a few minutes the man
turned to the priest and asked,
'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused
by loose living, being with cheap,
wicked women, too much alcohol,
contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes
and lack of a bath!'
The drunk muttered in response,
'Well, I'll be damned, '
Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had
said, nudged the man and apologized .
'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to
come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father.
I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

what s a dog s favourite pizza topping.

pupperoni

Have you heard the joke that they never tell stupid people.............

Have you heard the joke that they never tell stupid people.............

Yes, but I'm not allowed to tell it to you

Have you heard the joke that they never tell stupid people.............

Yes, but I'm not allowed to tell it to you

And just HOW did you get to hear it? It couldn't have come from me!

A camel can work 10 days without drinking...

But I can drink 10 days without working!

PENSION SEX

Two men were talking.
'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.'

'Pension sex?'
'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'

A fellow went to the Doctors and said that he couldn’t stop scratching his balls.

The Dr examined him and said “You’ve got crabs”

The man asked if the Dr could do anything to help.

The Dr said, on your way home get a pound of caster sugar and rub it well in.

The man asked if that would kill them

The Dr replied “No, it rots their teeth so you’ll get a good night’s sleep!”

A different version...

A fellow went to the Doctors and said that he couldn’t stop scratching his balls.

The Dr examined him and said “You’ve got crabs”

The man asked if the Dr could do anything to help.

Yes, rub in some pure alcohol and then rub in some sand.

The man asks if that would kill them.

The Dr replied 'yes, the crabs get drunk and stone each other to death'.

Gentlemen, if on your wedding night, you find that your bride has shaved her Hmmmm, then you know that she will enjoy an anything goes sexual relationship.

Ladies, if on your wedding night, you find that your groom has shaved his Hmmmm, then you know that he caught crabs from a hooker on his stag night

A fellow went to the Doctors and said that he couldn’t stop scratching his balls.

The Dr examined him and said “You’ve got crabs”

The man asked if the Dr could do anything to help.

The Dr said, on your way home get a pound of caster sugar and rub it well in.

The man asked if that would kill them

The Dr replied “No, it rots their teeth so you’ll get a good night’s sleep!”

A different version...

A fellow went to the Doctors and said that he couldn’t stop scratching his balls.

The Dr examined him and said “You’ve got crabs”

The man asked if the Dr could do anything to help.

Yes, rub in some pure alcohol and then rub in some sand.

The man asks if that would kill them.

The Dr replied 'yes, the crabs get drunk and stone each other to death'.

How very dare you critise my joke?

Oh, behave yourself. (small finger to mouth)

Nice one though LOL