My uncle, the ventriloquist, died last week. we are all very saddened but atleast hes in a getter clace now.

I was wondering this morning what is the actual time that the sun rises in Bangkok. Then it dawned on me!

SNOWMAN FOR SALE
NEEDS ATTENTION £5

A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.

A Gamekeeper shouts, 'Dinnae drink tha waaater! Et's foo ae coo's <deleted> an pish!'

The man replies, 'My dear fellow, I'm from England .

Would you kindly repeat that in English for me?'

The keeper replied,

'I said use both hands, you'll spill less that way!'

I got a political advent calendar.
It's like a normal advent calendar,
but there's a dick in number 10!

I said to the wife, I've got a problem.
She replied "no we have a problem.
We are a couple, we're a unit"...
Your problem is my problem.
We are in this together
" Over whelmed with relief,
I said.... "it's hardly worth mentioning now"
but she was insistent on knowing,
" what is the problem??....."
I then had to explain to her that,
" WE have got your sister pregnant!!!

During a robbery, one of the robbers mask slid down.
He looked at a man and asked. Did you see my face?
The man said yes! The robber shot him.
Then he asked another man. Did you see my face?
He said no, but my wife over there did.

Dear Santa..

Last year you got me a sweater for Christmas,

this year I would prefer a moaner or a screamer.

Was out with the new girlfriend when a mouse jumps out of nowhere,

to impress her I bricked the little #######.
I'm now single
And banned from Disneyland.

UK somehow manages fifth successive year with no mass shootings

A country with strict gun control laws has somehow managed to go the entirety of 2015 with no mass shootings.
The achievement, widely agreed to be impossible by self-proclaimed firearm experts on the Internet, is being met with surprise and outright disbelief in the United States.

Experts in Gunology, which includes anyone with an Internet connection and a short temper, insist that the only way to avoid regular massacres is for everyone to be armed and decry anyone who thinks differently as ‘fukcin stupid basterds I shoud waist yer gay ass’, whatever that may mean.
Internet experts often cite studies drawn from the voices in their heads which suggest that people being unarmed increases their chances of being shot by,

oooh, a million-billion percenticles or something.

Sadly, they then go on to ignore that people being armed increases their chances of being shot by their own children by a similar amount.

Responding to the news, President Obama took a sombre tone.
“My fellow Americans”, he said. “It has long been known that if you take guns off good guys, only bad guys have guns.”
“Well, it seems the UK has waaaay fewer bad guys than we do.”
“I guess they’re just better people than us.”

American scientists are stunned by the lack of massacres, and have announced a US$17-billion, ten-year study into how nobody went on a shooting rampage in a place where nobody has any guns.
However, the NRA has pledged to lobby against the study being funded, insisting it is entirely unnecessary and a complete waste of time and money.
“There are regular massacres in the UK”, spokesman Simon-Bob Williams told us. “You just don’t get to hear of them because of the New World Order Zionist ZOG Media hiding the truth.”

“Wake up, sheeple!”, he added

This one gets my vote for the absolute worst joke ever. If I could vote twice, I would.

This one gets my vote for the absolute worst joke ever. If I could vote twice, I would.

Oh ya think so do ya?

Try this:-

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists found
Traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that
Their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American
Archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:
"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their
Ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians".

One week later, the British authorities reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in North Yorkshire, Jack Arkwright,

a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f*** all.
Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."

Just makes you bloody proud to be British, don't it!