A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús."

A friend of mine has just started teaching.

One day she arrived to her lesson a bit late and was a bit flustered.

Getting the chalk out of bag she started writing on the black board, on vaguely concious that something was a bit wrong. The writing was a bit feint and the kids were too quiet.

Then one of the girls on the front row said, "Miss, why are you writing with a tampon?"

Looking at her hand my friend realised that she did, indeed, have a tampon in her hand!

Without missing a beat she replied, "Oh dear. I hope I didn't make the same mistake in the toilet!"

A fellow went to the Doctors and said that he couldn’t stop scratching his balls.

The Dr examined him and said “You’ve got crabs”

The man asked if the Dr could do anything to help.

The Dr said, on your way home get a pound of caster sugar and rub it well in.

The man asked if that would kill them

The Dr replied “No, it rots their teeth so you’ll get a good night’s sleep!”

A different version...

A fellow went to the Doctors and said that he couldn’t stop scratching his balls.

The Dr examined him and said “You’ve got crabs”

The man asked if the Dr could do anything to help.

Yes, rub in some pure alcohol and then rub in some sand.

The man asks if that would kill them.

The Dr replied 'yes, the crabs get drunk and stone each other to death'.

And another...

A fellow went to the Doctors and said that he couldn’t stop scratching his balls.

The Dr examined him and said “You’ve got crabs”

The man asked if the Dr could do anything to help.

Yes, shave one ball bare of all hair,

Set fire to the other hairy ball

And when they run from the fire,

Beat them to death with a iron bar.

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard.

She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"

The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question,

then she is old enough to get a straight answer.

He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.

The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"

The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

I got that job down the bowling alley",

What tenpin",

"No it's permanent

A grad student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the grad student. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes topless." Poof! He's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the post-doc. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other." Poof! He's gone.

"You're next," the Genie says to the professor.
The professor says, "I want those guys back in the lab after lunch."

A penguin walks into a store and asks the teller, "Do you have any grapes?"

"No." He replies. This same thing happens the next day.

On the third day the teller replies," No, and if you come in asking for grapes again I will nail your flippers to the floor!"

On the next the penguin walks in and asks," Got any nails?

"No." Replies the teller. "

Got any grapes!" The penguin asks!

I was in the waiting room of my doctor's office the other day when the doctor started yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"

I went up to the nurse and asked her what the hell was going on.

She told me that the doctor liked to call the shots.

Two caterpillars were crawling along a leaf when a butterfly flew past overhead.

One caterpillar turned to the other one and said: "You'll never get me up in one of those things !"

A man walks into a chip shop and asks for fish and chips twice please.

The man behind the counter says "I heard you the first time"

A shipwreck survivor washes up on the beach of an island and is immediately surrounded by a group of native warriors.

"I'm done for", the man cries in despair.
"No you are not," comes a booming voice from the heavens.

"Listen carefully, and do exactly as I say. Grab the spear from the one who is beside you and shove it through the heart of the chief."
The man does so, and the remainder of the band stare in disbelief.

"Now, what?" the man asks the heavens.
"Now, you are done for."

A worried man goes to see his priest.
"Father, I am worried. I think that my wife is trying to poison me."
Said the priest: "Hold on my son, let me talk to your wife and come back to see me tomorrow,

then I shall be able to give you some advice."
The following day the man aging corned to his priest who tells him:

"Well my son, I have talked to your wife for nearly two hours.

My advise to you is :Take the poison"

A man driving into town spots a truck broken down on the side of the road.

He stops to help. The truck driver says he is on his way to deliver some penguins to the zoo.

The truck driver say, "I'll give you some cash if you could take the penguins to the zoo for me."

The man agrees.
Later, when the truck is fixed,the truck driver drives into townand spots the man close to the zoo,

walking with a row of pengiuns waddling behind him, away from the zoo.
The truck driver stops and asks, "What are you doing

I gave you money to take the penguins to the zoo?"
The man replies., "I did, but we got change so we're going to the movies!"

What do you call a woodpecker without a beak?

A Head banger

What do you get if you cross frosty the snowman with count dracula?

Frostbite

The man's on a roll!

Two sailors are eating biscuits together.

One breaks a biscuit and two bugs, one large and one small, jump out and run across the table.

The sailor asks his mate, "Now, is it better to eat the big one or the small one?" T

he other replied, "The answer is simple: you must always choose the lesser of two weevils.

what did the 0 say to the 8?

Nice belt!

Where would you find a tortoise with no legs ?

Wherever you left it

THE MOST VENOMOUS SNAKE IN THE WORLD

NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake)

LOCATION: Throughout the world

DESCRIPTION: One-eyed, with mushroom-shaped head (other types come
with extra layers of skin) varying from pink to black.
Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. (Spit can reach distances
up to 2-3 feet)
* Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its
mood & sub-species.

SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen,
resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed
by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually
fatal.

Beware: It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen!

HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in
the most unusual places.

ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once
the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure
complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.

WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED

TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the
body to be affected.

CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and
ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.

SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim,
but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.

SEARCHING FOR ANTI-VENOM :

1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the
reptile, with the thumb in the front.

2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.

3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive, very
rigid and start spitting.

4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the
milker and the last time the snake attacked.

5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.

CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active,
is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect,
makes a wonderful pet.

What has 104 teeth and holds back a monster.
My Zipper!

A man walked into a bar and sat down next to burly man.
He asked, "Do you want to here a Red Neck joke?"
The burly man said, " Before you tell me it, you should know,
I am a redneck, 6'2" and weigh 200 lbs.
The guy sitting next to me is a redneck, 6'4" and weighs 220 lbs.
The guy sitting next to him is a redneck, is 6'6" and weighs 260 lbs.
Now do you still want to tell the joke?"
"Nah", the man replied," I don't want to have to repeat it 3 times."

How do you teach a blonde math?

Subtract her clothes, divide her legs, square root her then watch her multiply

A man walks into a bar. Asks the bartender for 12 shots of whiskey.
All of them are lined up.
The man drinks them one after another with out stopping.
The bartender asks,"Why you drinkin so fast?"
The man says, "You would too if you had what I got."
"What?"
"75 cents!"

little Johnny took his chemistry set into the basement and stayed there all day.
finally his father went into the basement to find him nailing a worm into the wall.
His father said "what are you doing?".
Little Johnny says "my chemical mixture made this as hard as a rock!"
his father says he'll buy him a new Toyota for his mixture. johnny agrees and the next day

when he comes home from school he sees a brand new Mercedes Benz.
He goes inside the house and asks his father about the car and his father says
"your Toyota is in the garage, the Benz is from your mother

Little Johnny ran into the house one day and asked his mommy
"can little girls have babies?"
"of course not" his mother remarked.
Little johnny got a big smile and ran out of the house and yelled
"its O.K. we can play that game!!!!!!!!!"

There once was an 8th grade class. . .
One guy walks into first period 15 minutes late.
“where have you been?!” asked the teacher.
the guy replies “on top of Blueberry Hill.”
Another guy shows up in second period 45 minutes later, with no shirt.
“where have you Been?!?” asked the teacher.
Again the student repies “ontop of Blueberry Hill.”
In 3rd period, another guy shows up 1 hour and 1/2 later butt naked.
Where have you been?!?” asked the teacher
“on top of Blueberry Hill.” was the response.
5 minutes later, a nude and beautiful girl walks into 3rd period, and blow the guys a kiss.
The teacher gets pissed and asked “who the hell are you?!?!”
She replies “I’m Blueberry Hill”.

Three Men walk into a king's palace in hope of marrying his beautiful daughter.
He tells them, "The one of you who brings me the most ping-pong balls will win my daughter!"
The first man comes back with 200 ping pong balls.
The second comes back with 500, and the last comes back smelly, beaten, and bruised.
When the king asks where his ping pong balls are he exclaims,
"Ping pong Balls!!!! I thought you said King Kong's BALLS!!

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak.After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the begining of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door.

1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are ten commandments, not twelve.
3. There are twelve diciples, not ten.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goalith, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not to be referred to as "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh God!"
14. Next Sunday, there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St.Taffy's.