Worst Joke Ever

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What do you call a Hookers Fart?

A PROSTI-TOOT!

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I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn't be fair to all the

skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny and thin.

It's a public service really.

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[Ron19]

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now tell me, what the HECK would you say?"

[Crossy]

I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful, or was it just the 20th outfit she'd tried and he just wanted to get to the party.

[Ron19]

I went to see the worst faith healer ever last night...

He was so bad, a man in a wheelchair got up and walked out!

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Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him.

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes,

and when all is ready he begins to speak:

My son, “Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.”

My daughter “Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end.”

My son, “Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre.”

“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.”

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings,

as Doug slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man

to have accumulated all this property”.

Sarah replies, “Property ?….

the old bugger had a newspaper route!”

[White Christmas13]

A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian. The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body and barks. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too." The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650." "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man. "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and lab tests."

[White Christmas13]

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top." So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"

[White Christmas13]

A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said, "Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo." The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman. The policeman said, "Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!" The boy answered, "I did! Today I'm taking him to the cinema."

[Rob13]

An elderly man just returned from the doctors only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summons the three most important people in his life to tell.

1. His Doctor
2. His Priest
3. His Lawyer

" Well today I found out I don't have long to live. So I asked you three here, because your the most important people in my life. And I need to ask a favour. Today I am going to give each of you and envelope with $50,000 dollars in it. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money in my grave."

Well a few days later the man passed on, The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me lots of medical bills. But I threw the other $35,000 in."

The Priest said, "I have to admit also I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. Its all going to a good cause. And I threw the rest in."

Well the Lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing, "I am surprised at you two. I wrote a check for the whole amount and threw it in."

[WitawatWatawit]

As men age, we end up seeing more and more of the Medical establishment, which nowadays, has more and more women in it. For example, my family doctor recently referred me to a female urologist. I saw her yesterday and she is absolutely gorgeous. She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy. She told me that I must stop masturbating. I asked her why, and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

[WitawatWatawit]

A private school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lip stick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers... and then there are educators

[WitawatWatawit]

'I don't mind going to work, but the eight hour wait to go home is just bulls**t!'

[WitawatWatawit]

Billy Connelly Statement of the Century..............

> >

> > 'If women are so bloody perfect at multi-tasking,

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> > how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?'

[WitawatWatawit]

womans lies

« on: Tue 24 November, 2009 - 05:47 pm »

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting

close to a river, her thimble fell into the river...

When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked,

'My dear child, why are you crying?'

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen

into the water and that she needed it to help her

husband in making a living for their family..

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and

pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked

The seamstress replied, 'No.'

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held

out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'

The Lord reached down again and came up with a

leather thimble.

'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, 'Yes.'

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty

and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the

seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with

her husband along the riverbank, and her husband

fell into the river and disappeared under the water.

When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and

asked her, 'Why are you crying?'

'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!'

The Lord went down into the water and came up with

George Clooney. 'Is this your husband?' the

Lord asked?

'Yes,' cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!'

The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord.

It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to

George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up

with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would

have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of

health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney. And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is:

Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Signed,

All Us Women,

Amen

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Two Chinese guys break into a distillery.

One says to the other "is this Whiskey?"

"Yes" says his mate "but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank"