Worst Joke Ever

[laislica]

Google earth gives us the ability to see every place on earth but,

what do we do?

We go and find our house.

[Muzarella]

[laislica]

[luk AJ]

Hey ladies and gents, I really enjoy your jokes........555555555555555555555

[Ron19]

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and..... OH, MY GOD !'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.

'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

One Irish passenger yelled...

'For <deleted>'s sake ........ you should see the Back of mine!!!'

[Ron19]

-What do you call a blonde in a closet?

-Last year's hide and seek champion.

[Rob13]

Did you hear about the 2 pollacks that froze to death at the drive-in theater?

They were waiting to watch "Closed For The Season"

[laislica]

[Daffy D]

asIgrowOlder.jpg

I know that feeling

[laislica]

[laislica]

RIP the dinosaurs.

Can't believe it's 65 million years already.

Always in my thoughts

[laislica]

[laislica]

[Wilsonandson]

Happy Valentine's Day!

[Rob13]

Three engineers got into a car. The car won't start.

The mechanical engineer says; 'It's the starter.'

The electrical engineer says; No, it's the battery'

The IT engineer says; 'Guys, let's all get out of the car and get back in again.'

[sandmike]

Or you could have opened the windows and closed them again ....

[Ron19]

A painter, whitewashing the inner walls of a country
outhouse, had the misfortune to fall through the opening and
land in the muck at the bottom.

He shouted, "Fire! Fire! Fire!" at the top of his lungs.

The local fire department responded with alacrity, sirens
roaring as they approached the privy.

"Where's the fire?" called the chief.

"No fire," replied the painter as they pulled him out of the
hole. "But if I had yelled, 'Shit! Shit! Shit!', who
would have rescued me?"

[ozsamurai]

[Crossy]

Geek alert!

[Ron19]

There was this guy who lost one of his arms in an accident. He
became very depressed because he couldn't imagine life without
playing music, sports and all the other things that he took for
granted.

One day he could not stand it anymore and decided to commit
suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall
building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on
the sidewalk below skipping along whistling and kicking up his
heels. He looked closer and noticed this man didn't have any
arms at all.


He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for
myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes
a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on
with his life.

He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how
glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and
felt ugly, useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him
again for saving his life and he now knew he could make it with
one arm if that guy could do it with no arms.

The man with no arms continued dancing and whistling and kicking
up his heels.

He asked "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said "I'm NOT happy, you one-armed ! My ass itches."

Edited February 16, 2016 by Ron19

[Ron19]

THE MIRACLE OF A SHEET OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of romantically telling me this is not true, heuncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: 'If you want your breasts to grow,
then take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds 3 times every day.'

Willing to try anything, I got a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
'How long will this take?' I asked.

'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts 3 times every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'

Without missing a beat he said, 'Worked for your bum, didn't it?'

The idiot is still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man......

[Crossy]

The content of the HTML file.

The Talking Centipede


A single guy decided life would be more fun
if he had a pet.



So he went to the pet store
and told the owner
that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.



After some discussion,
he finally bought a talking centipede,
which came in a little white box
to use for his house.



He took the box back home,
found a good spot for the box,
and decided he would start off
by taking his new pet
to the pub for a drink with him.



So he asked the centipede in the box,

"Would you like to go
down the pub with me today?
We will have a good time."



But there was no answer
from his new pet.



This bothered him a bit,
but he waited a few minutes
and then asked again,
"How about going
down the pub with me ?"



But again,
there was no answer
from his new friend and pet.
So he waited
a few minutes more,
thinking about the situation.



The guy decided
to invite the centipede
one last time.



This time he
put his face up against
the centipede ' s box and shouted,

"Hey, in there!
Would you like to go
to
the pub with me?

.....

This time,
a little voice
came out of the box,

"I heard you the first time!

I 'm putting my shoes on!"

[Ron19]

The content of the HTML file.

The Talking Centipede

A single guy decided life would be more fun

if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store

and told the owner

that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion,

he finally bought a talking centipede,

which came in a little white box

to use for his house.

He took the box back home,

found a good spot for the box,

and decided he would start off

by taking his new pet

to the pub for a drink with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box,

"Would you like to go

down the pub with me today?

We will have a good time."

But there was no answer

from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit,

but he waited a few minutes

and then asked again,

"How about going

down the pub with me ?"

But again,

there was no answer

from his new friend and pet.

So he waited

a few minutes more,

thinking about the situation.

The guy decided

to invite the centipede

one last time.

This time he

put his face up against

the centipede ' s box and shouted,

"Hey, in there!

Would you like to go

to

the pub with me?

.....

This time,

a little voice

came out of the box,

"I heard you the first time!

I 'm putting my shoes on!"

How did you do that ? Was it just a simple copy and paste ?

[Jai Dee]

The content of the HTML file.

<snipped>

How did you do that ? Was it just a simple copy and paste ?

Yes... simply open the HTML file in your browser and copy/paste the contents.

You need to be careful with this, and you might accidentally release some personal information (like your email address) within the pasted HTML file.

I will go back and remove that file now.

[Wilsonandson]

red

yellow

blue

green

http://www.bbcode.org/examples/?id=6

Edited February 17, 2016 by Wilsonandson

[laislica]

Of course I won’t laugh said the nurse. I'm a professional.
In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers,

revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen.

In length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.

Feeling Very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could.

"I am so sorry," she said.I don't know what came over me.

On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again.

Now, tell me, what seems o be the problem?"

"It’s swollen/' Bob replied.
She ran out of the room.

[laislica]

[Ron19]

-What do a dwarf and a midget have in common?

-Very little.

[davidhen]

Please can anyone tell me if it is possible, when navigating a subject (such as "worst joke ever") with many pages, to go to a specific page instead of trawling through from beginning to end, or vice verse.

Thank you.

[laislica]

Please can anyone tell me if it is possible, when navigating a subject (such as "worst joke ever") with many pages, to go to a specific page instead of trawling through from beginning to end, or vice verse.

Thank you.

Yes