Worst Joke Ever

[laislica]

[laislica]

[lemonjelly]

[Ron19]

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

“But, officer,” the man began, “I can explain”

“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But, officer, I just wanted to say”

“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chiefs at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

[Ron19]

Two policemen call the station on the radio.

"Hello. Is that you Sarge?”

"Yes?”

"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the
floor she had just mopped clean.”

"Have you arrested the woman?”

"No sir. The floor is still wet."

[White Christmas13]

WICOE

(Women In Charge Of Everything)

Is proud to announce the opening of its

EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!

OPEN TO MEN ONLY

ALL ARE WELCOME

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS

Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?

Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR

Practising with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE;

DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK

OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?

Debate among a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL

Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS

Starting with looking in the right place

Instead of turning the house upside down while screaming -

Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS;

DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?

Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH;

BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH

PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST

Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY

AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?

Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS;

BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN

YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE

Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION

Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES

& CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE

Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT;

LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME

Individual counsellors available

[White Christmas13]

Dear Abby,

My husband hasn't worked for the last 14 years.

All he does is get dressed in the morning and hop

in his fancy car to visit his cronies.

I know he's cheated on me many times with young

girls who could be his granddaughters.

I know because he brags about this to me. He smokes

fancy cigars and drinks the most expensive Champagne

day and night.

We sleep in separate beds because he`s always telling

me he knows I'm a lesbian and my varicose veins and

ugly face turn him off!

Should I clobber him with my frying pan, or should I leave

him, Abby?

Your advice would be appreciated.

Mad as Hell

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Mad as Hell,

You don't have to take that kind of treatment from any man.

I suggest you pack your bags and move out ASAP!

Don't resort to clobbering him with the frying pan, and try to

act like a lady!

Remember ....... you`re running for President of the United States,

so try acting like it!

[White Christmas13]

Three elderly women are talking about their troubles.

“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said Ruth, the 60-year-old, “You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens.”

“Ah, that’s nothing,” said the 70-year-old, Maxine. “When you’re 70, you don’t have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens.”

“Actually,” said Gilda, the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.”

“Do you have trouble peeing too?” asked Ruth.

“No, I pee every morning at 6 a.m. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all.”

“Do you have trouble with your bowel movements?” Maxine questioned.

“No, I have one every morning at 6:30 a.m,” Gilda responded.

Puzzled with this, Ruth said, “Let’s get this straight. You pee every morning at 6 a.m. and poop every morning at 6:30 a.m. So what’s so tough about being 80?”

“I don’t wake up until 7.”

Old one but good

[Ron19]

A kindergarten teacher was helping one of her students put his boots on. He had asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on.

When the second boot was on, she was nearly out of breath.

She almost whimpered when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.”

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as they worked together to get the boots back on – this time on the right feet.

He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.”

She bit her tongue rather than scream, “Why didn’t you say so earlier?” like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear them.”

She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, Now, where are your gloves?”

He said, “I stuffed them in the toes of my boots…”

Edited April 27, 2016 by Ron19

[Ron19]

My wife and I were married for 50 years.

One day, I took a careful look at her and said, “Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.

“Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large-screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black-and-white TV.

Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy’s problems.

[laislica]

They say Shakespeare used marijuana. To Be, Or Not To Be... What was the question?

[Rob13]

They say Shakespeare used marijuana. To Be, Or Not To Be... What was the question?

Doobie or not doobie?

Edited April 29, 2016 by Rob13

[nikmar]

Alas poor wotisname

[Crossy]

Alas ...

[White Christmas13]

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

“But, officer,” the man began, “I can explain”

“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But, officer, I just wanted to say”

“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chiefs at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

[White Christmas13]

Two policemen call the station on the radio.

"Hello. Is that you Sarge?”

"Yes?”

"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the

floor she had just mopped clean.”

"Have you arrested the woman?”

"No sir. The floor is still wet."

[NiwPix]

White Christmas13,

I enjoy reading the jokes you post, however, I noticed you fairly often repost jokes that have just recently been posted...just like your two jokes above this post...they have both been posted on the previous page. While it may seem like a minor "issue" to just not read this, it does take a couple of sentences until you realize you know the joke. This makes the joy of reading the jokes section more and more frustrating.

Are you maybe signed up to receive some sort of daily joke, which maybe others are signed up to and post the joke here before you do?

Again, I ( and probably the others too ) enjoy reading your jokes...just not the recently repeated ones. So please don't take it the wrong way.

[Rob13]

A blonde girl was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriend's dandruff problem.

The redhead says, "Why don't you give him Head and Shoulders?"

The blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?"

[AhFarangJa]

[Ron19]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced
altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him
an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41
degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be a technician," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man.

"How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is
probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of
your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've
not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip
with your talk."

The man below responded, "You must be in management".

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where
you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large
quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea
how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.
The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before
we met, but now, somehow, it's my <deleted!> fault!"

[Rob13]

What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?

"Put it on my bill."

[Rob13]

An Asian lady at the bank was exchanging yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"

Edited May 1, 2016 by Rob13

[Thaiwine]

It's taken me days to read through this thread

I did notice a couple of the doctor doctor jokes that were missed

So...

"Doctor doctor people keep ignoring me"

"NEXT" !!

"Doctor doctor I'm constipated"

"No S##t"

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

m

[riceyummm]

[Ron19]

[White Christmas13]

[White Christmas13]