Great to be a woman

Reason's why it's great to be a woman 

Free drinks. 

Free dinners. 

Free movies. 

Speeding ticket? What's that? 

New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life. 

If you have to be home in time for Melrose Place, you can say so, out loud. 

If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling. 

You can sleep your way to the top. 

You can sue the President for sexual harassment. 

It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower. 

No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo. 

Brad Pitt. 

No one passes out when you take off your shoes. 

Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store. 

If you forget to shave, no one has to know. 

If you're dumb, some people will find it cute. 

You have the ability to dress yourself. 

If you marry someone twenty years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot.

You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist. 

You can quickly end any fight by crying. 

Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth. 

There are times when chocolate really Can solve all your problems. 

You've never had a goatee. 

You'll never regret piercing your ears. 

You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes. 

You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark. 

You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can. 

 

Europe English

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!

Spelling checker

Eye Halve a Spelling Chequer

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh. 

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no 
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

A guy here keeps saying his 11yr old son is so developed because he knows how to use an iPad.

That's nothing, my 5 yr old Chinese neighbour makes them......

Seems they start that marshall arts stuff early now a days.

 

The English Language

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. 

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form 
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends. 
 

Fish cost a fortune

Two Virginia rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realise that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"

The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
 

Go on a hiking trip

Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. 

They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see? 

"Well, I see thousands of stars." 

"And what does that mean to you?" 

"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?" 

"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent." 
 

I have a question

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?

The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father repied. "Don't rightly know son." Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'." 

Pessimist and a dog

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it. 

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."
 

Want to be healed?

Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat. 

When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ... Could you help me?" 

"Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years. 

The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly. 

When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension." 
 

Business and fishing

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish. 

About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family. 

"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!" 

The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?" 

"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer. 

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling. 

The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again. 

The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said. 

"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman. 

The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!" 

Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?" 

The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!" 

The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?" 
 

A woman had been on the game for 4 years....

and was worried about the size of her fanny on her wedding night.....

so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence......

After an hour in bed with her he said.........

"How far across the field were you before you realised it was caught?"

Business and fishing

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish. 

About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family. 

"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!" 

The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?" 

"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer. 

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling. 

The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again. 

The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said. 

"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman. 

The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!" 

Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?" 

The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!" 

The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?" 
 

Q: What the difference between your first and second honeymoon? 
A: Niagara and Viagra.