I've been collecting the mats the Olympic athletes land on after the high jump and pole vault.

Some day I may sell them to fund my retirement.

After all, it's good to have something to fall back on.

Was going to tell a joke about sodium, then I though 'Na'

Tripped over and bashed my head on my drum-kit.
Doctor says I've got mild percussion.

I WAS DELIGHTED when the kind people at the Inland Revenue wrote to me recently, telling me that my tax return was 'outstanding', particularly since I can't even remember sending it in.

The local vicar was suspected of having an affair with the village school cook.

It was confirmed when they found his vest in her pantry and her pants in his vestry.

Son:"Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later ...

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great son. Who is she?" Son:

"It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that.

Angela is also your sister." This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: "Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want.

He isn't your father."

I see that that the British Ambassador to the EU, Ivan Otherjob, has resigned.

I've just started attending weekly therapy sessions to help me with my obsession with The Carpenters.

I've not noticed any sign of improvement yet but then we've only just begun.

Customer: Waiter, what's your name?
Waiter: George, but everyone calls me pool cue. Customer: Why do they call you that?
Waiter: Because I work much better with a tip.

A guy in a restaurant says to the waitress ''I want a cup of coffee without cream.'' The waitress comes back a few minutes later and says ''I'm sorry, but we're all out of cream. Would you mind taking your coffee without milk?''

Pupil: Would you punish someone for something that they didn't do?
Teacher: Of course not.
Pupil: That's good, because I haven't done my homework.

What do you call a Chinese bloke made of bricks?......Bill Ding

Koreans have recently brought out their own vegetarian version of an instant noodle snack.

It's called Not Poodle.

I got Michael McIntyre's DVD for Christmas and it's brilliant.

It's stopped the kitchen table from rocking

After the horse meat found in Tesco burgers scandal a few years ago

they have now found thousands of camel toes in Primark leggings.

If you're born in September it's pretty safe to assume your parents started the New Year with a bang.