laislica Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 I've been collecting the mats the Olympic athletes land on after the high jump and pole vault. Some day I may sell them to fund my retirement. After all, it's good to have something to fall back on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 Was going to tell a joke about sodium, then I though 'Na' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 Tripped over and bashed my head on my drum-kit. Doctor says I've got mild percussion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 I WAS DELIGHTED when the kind people at the Inland Revenue wrote to me recently, telling me that my tax return was 'outstanding', particularly since I can't even remember sending it in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 The local vicar was suspected of having an affair with the village school cook. It was confirmed when they found his vest in her pantry and her pants in his vestry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 Son:"Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!" Father: "That's great son. Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later ... Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great son. Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: "Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. He isn't your father." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 I see that that the British Ambassador to the EU, Ivan Otherjob, has resigned. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 I've just started attending weekly therapy sessions to help me with my obsession with The Carpenters. I've not noticed any sign of improvement yet but then we've only just begun. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
White Christmas13 Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 Customer: Waiter, what's your name? Waiter: George, but everyone calls me pool cue. Customer: Why do they call you that? Waiter: Because I work much better with a tip. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
White Christmas13 Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 A guy in a restaurant says to the waitress ''I want a cup of coffee without cream.'' The waitress comes back a few minutes later and says ''I'm sorry, but we're all out of cream. Would you mind taking your coffee without milk?'' 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
White Christmas13 Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 Pupil: Would you punish someone for something that they didn't do? Teacher: Of course not. Pupil: That's good, because I haven't done my homework. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 What do you call a Chinese bloke made of bricks?......Bill Ding Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 Koreans have recently brought out their own vegetarian version of an instant noodle snack. It's called Not Poodle. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 I got Michael McIntyre's DVD for Christmas and it's brilliant. It's stopped the kitchen table from rocking Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 After the horse meat found in Tesco burgers scandal a few years ago they have now found thousands of camel toes in Primark leggings. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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laislica Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 If you're born in September it's pretty safe to assume your parents started the New Year with a bang. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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