1 hour ago, White Christmas13 said:

Thank god it's not a real Apple.

 

 

The cat would never get back in!

58 minutes ago, Ron19 said:

What’s the difference between a bachelor and a married man?

 

Bachelor comes home, checks out what’s in the fridge and goes to bed.

Married man comes home, checks out what’s in the bed and goes to the fridge.

A little boy looks at his mum at a wedding and says:

 

"Mummy, why is the girl dressed all in white?"

 

His mum answers: "The girls is called a bride and she is in white because she’s very happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

 

The boy nods and then says, "OK, and why is the boy all in black?"

Mother: "Eat your bread".

 

Child: "I don’t like bread. Why do I have to eat the bread".

 

Mother: "So you become big and strong".

 

Child: "Why do I have to become big and strong?"

 

Mother: "So you can provide the daily bread to your family".

 

 

 

 

 

Child: But I don’t like bread!

 

 

logic!

A man is running down a country road towards the railway station.

 

He sees a farmer near a field and asks:

 

 

“Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 2:23 train.”

 

 

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you might even catch the 1:23 one if he don't catch you first.”

Mother, “How was school today, Patrick?”

 

Patrick, “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!”

 

Mother, “Ooh, don't they do very fancy stuff with you these days".  What will you do at school tomorrow?”

 

Patrick, “What school?”

On a Thai t- shirt  I   noticed  last month  ,   poignant.

 

A woman fakes an  orgasm to have a relationship,

 

A man fakes a relationship to have an orgasm.  

POLITICIAN

Late one night a robber wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

 

"Give me your money," he demanded.

 

Scandalized, the man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!" **

 

"Oh! In that case," smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!"

　

　

**insert country/politician of choice here

 

MUSIC!

I was in an Indian restaurant recently and I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass wind from my nether regions.

 

The music was really great, all my favourite stuff.  It was nice and loud, so I timed my reliefs to the beat of the music!

 

After just a few songs I started to feel better.  Oh! Bliss, nobody could have heard me under that great sound.

 

I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me with handkerchiefs covering their mouths and the sound of coughing and spluttering all around!

 

 

 

 

That was when I remembered I was listening to my iPod.

 

WOMEN IN SPACE

 

Do you know why women aren’t allowed in space?

 

To avoid scenarios like: "Houston, we have a problem!"

 

"What is the problem?"

 

"Yeah, great, pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about!"

 

 

 

BLONDs AND A LADDER

 

 

Two friends are talking, one says:

 

"OH, I fell off a thirty-foot long ladder yesterday."

 

"Oh no, Betty, are you alright?!" inquires the other one, shocked.

 

"Yeah, I’m OK, I was only on the second rung."

 

 

 

 

 

"From the top or the bottom - Betty?"

*snicker*