Worst Joke Ever

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

What did the cowboy maggot say when he went into the saloon bar?

Gimme a slug of whiskey.

　

　

A man with a newt on his shoulder walked into a bar.

"What do you call him?" asked the barmaid.

"Tiny," said the man.

"Why do you call him Tiny?" "Because he's my newt!"

　

　

A man walked into a bar holding a cow pat in his hand.

"Look everyone!" he cried. "See what I almost stood on!"

　

　

Why did the man cry out when he walked into the bar?

It was an iron bar.

[scottiejohn]

Bars & Animals!

 

 

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, and then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cleans his little feet in his whiskers, and proceeds to play the blues.

 

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, which begins to sing along with the rat's music.

 

While the man is enjoying his free drinks, a stranger confronts him and offers him $400 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $500 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $700 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

 

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $700".

 

 

"Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

[scottiejohn]

Better late than never!  This was meant for yesterday.

 

[scottiejohn]

21 hours ago, Minnie the Minx said:

[Rob13]

14 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

Better late than never!  This was meant for yesterday.

 

[scottiejohn]

Sick Jokes;

 

Q. What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

A. If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.

　

She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.

　

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

　

Q. What's both a Golfer’s and the Internet's favourite animal?

A. The lynx.

　

Q. What is the Karate experts favourite beverage?

A. Kara-tea.

　

Q. What caused the airline to go bankrupt?

A. Runway inflation.

　

Q. What's a frog's favourite drink?

A. Croaka Cola.

Q. Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines!

[scottiejohn]

 

　

"A Farewell to Arms" is Ernest Hemingway's novel about an American soldier in Italy during World War I. He falls in love with a nurse in the hospital, decides to go AWOL, and rows all night with her in a boat from Italy to Switzerland to evade the authorities.

 

His girl friend was sitting in the stern of the boat, and he was rowing in the middle. At one point he said, "Cath, I love you."

 

She said, "Pardon?"

 

He said, "I said I love you."

 

She still didn't hear him, so he removed an oar from the lock, moved up to the stern, resumed steering the boat from that position, and said again, "I love you."

 

She said, "I love you too, but why are you standing there sculling when you can do so much better rowing where you were?"

 

He said, "You are undoubtedly right":

 

" I just sculled to say I love you."

　

[scottiejohn]

A few more to lower the standards even more.  Get the 'Groanometer' out. 

 

A gay minced his way into to a psychiatrist.

"Doc," he said, "I keep having these recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

 

The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents and shouldn't camp it up so much."

 

 

Q. What do you call a horse that likes arts and crafts?

A. hobby horse.

 

Q. What did the dolphin say to the whale when he bumped into him?

A. I didn't do it on porpoise.

 

Q. Where did the kittens go to on a class outing?

A. To the meow-seum.

　

Q. What did one plate say to the other?

A. Lunch is on me.

 

Q. What does a cat say when he likes something?

A. It's purrrfect.

 

 

 

[scottiejohn]

Please add your comments!

 

Q. What did a very old, DOS (Dirty Old Sod) computer geek father say or call his first new born offspring?

 

A1 . Microchip off the old block.

A2. A screen dump

A3. ADA

A4. Who programmed that?

A5. It needs reverse engineering!

A6. The entertainment area is too close to the rubbish dump.

 

 

Anyone want to add some answers?

[Minnie the Minx]

[Minnie the Minx]

Senior Sex -- 

 

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

 

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

 

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

 

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

 

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

 

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

 

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

 

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

[transam]

Went for a Prostate checkup yesterday, I got the thumbs up...

[scottiejohn]

2 hours ago, transam said:

Went for a Prostate checkup yesterday, I got the thumbs up...

It wasn't an "in depth" examination then!

[transam]

3 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

It wasn't an "in depth" examination then!

Fink you nailed it...

[Andrew Dwyer]

It wasn't an "in depth" examination then!

About an inch !, if my history teacher was telling the truth !

[scottiejohn]

5 minutes ago, transam said:

Fink you nailed it...

I fink you are correct! and I am glad it tickled your fancy.

[scottiejohn]

3 hours ago, transam said:

Went for a Prostate checkup yesterday, I got the thumbs up...

I hope you only saw or felt one hand on your shoulder!

[scottiejohn]

At the other end of the scale;

 

A lady walks into the gynecoligist's office and the doctor tells her to get into the stirrup's
He then proceeds to tell her that she has a problem and that she is going to have to be numbed down there.
She says "What. Well okay"
So he sticks his face down there and goes "Num Num Num Num Num"

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

Asked how he had achieved fatherhood after all this time the old Computer Geek said it was due to a few form factors;

He did some DIY to the old motherboard after some BASIC inserts after the 'floppy' was replaced and he was able to enable the Hard Drive. She could not find the ‘eject’ button and no headache inducing ‘Blue Screens Of Death’ although there did seem to be a blue pill element in it!

There was also no dumping during the downloading and he was able to get re-booted and spurred on to new programmes when he found a solution called Utube and followed the on screen instructions.

[scottiejohn]

Did you hear about the baby born in the high tech delivery room?
It was cordless!

[scottiejohn]

 

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew the doctor's habit and would always have a drink waiting. But one day the bartender ran out of hazelnut extract, so he substituted hickory nuts. When the doctor arrived, he took a sip and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"

 

 

"No, I'm sorry," the bartender replied. "It's a hickory daiquiri, doc."