Worst Joke Ever

[scottiejohn]

 

A small grocery store had just installed some new juice machines, and everybody who worked there was excited about who would be chosen to run them. One employee in particular, a grocery bagger, was determined to get the job. He went to the manager and made his case, telling his boss how excited he was about the new juicers, and how badly he wanted to be the one chosen to run them. His boss turned him down.

"But why?" protested the hapless young man.

 

"Son," replied his boss, "Everybody knows that baggers can't be juicers."

　

 

Recently an educated robber nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out, and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

 

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such a foolish error, he replied, "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

　

[scottiejohn]

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[scottiejohn]

When Noah built his ark, he had two snakes aboard. When the animals were leaving, he said, "Go forth and multiply."

The snakes didn't move.

"Go forth and multiply!"

They still didn't move.

Noah was yelling by now. "Go forth and multiply!"

"We can't," they answered.

Noah was confused. "Why not?"

 

 

"We're adders."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[riceyummm]

Did you know they won't be making yard sticks any longer?

[scottiejohn]

18 hours ago, riceyummm said:

Did you know they won't be making yard sticks any longer?

Is that because we are inching towards metrication?

[scottiejohn]

If you don't like a rule of thumb do you just give it two fingers?

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

Keep it simple

 

Four guys were in their final year and going into the final they had a solid A’s. These friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals they decided to go up country for a party with friends. They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to University until late Monday morning and missed the beginning of the exam.

 

They found their Professor and explained to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went away for the weekend, and had planned to come back on Sunday in plenty of time to study and take the exam, but that they had a flat tyre on the way back, didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.

 

Their Prof thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day with a special exam he would prepare just for them.

 

The guys were elated, relieved and very proud of their story. So, they studied that night checking thru old exam papers as they were sure the Prof did not have time to create a new special exam just for them. They went in the next day at the time their Prof had advised.

He placed them at each corner of the exam hall and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first page which said there would be 10 questions each worth 10 points and the pass mark required was 70.

 

They read the first problem, which was something simple about polarity and solutions. The Prof could see they were relieved (it was in last years exam after all!) They did that problem and he watched them turn the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next few pages. The Prof could hardly contain himself has he watched them turn over each page and read the questions;

 

 

 

 

 

Q2 What time did the tyre go flat

Q3 Which tyre was it

Q4 What Make of tyre did you buy

Q5 Who bought the new tyre

Q6 Where did you buy the new tyre

Q7 Describe the person who sold it, sex, age etc

Q8 Did you buy a spare as well

Q9 How did you get to the tyre replacement place

Q10 Who fitted the new tyre

They all got up at the same time and walked out and had to stay at Uni for another year!

Edited May 15, 2017 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

The slovenly, obese banker got up from his seat at the club to go to the bar. Returning with beer and whisky in hand, he inquired of a young woman, “Did I step on your foot a few minutes ago?”

“As a matter of fact you did,” she replied tartly.

“Great! Then this must be my table.

[scottiejohn]

What makes you think?

At his annual checkup, Bernie was given an excellent bill of health. “It must run in your
family,” commented the doctor. “How old was your dad when he died?”
“What makes you think he’s dead?” asked Bernie. “He’s ninety and still going strong.”
“Aha! And how long did your grandfather live?”
“What makes you think he’s dead, Doc? He’s a hundred and six, and getting married to
a twenty-two-year-old next week,” Bernie informed him.
“At his age!” exclaimed the doctor. “Why does he want to marry such a young woman?”





“And what makes you think he wants to?

Edited May 15, 2017 by scottiejohn
Having problems with this site today! cannot get this to reformat!

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

Weiss and Stein went into business together and opened a wholesale men’s clothing outlet.

Things went well for a year or so, but then the recession came along and they found themselves sitting on ten thousand plaid jackets, which they couldn’t sell to save their souls. Just as they were discussing bankruptcy, a fellow came in and introduced himself as a buyer for a big menswear chain in Australia.

"Wouldn’t happen to have any plaid jackets would you?" he asked. "They’re selling like crazy down under."

Weiss looked at Stein. "Maybe we can work something out, if the price is right," he said coolly to the Aussie.

After some tough negotiating, a price was agreed on and the papers were signed. But as he was leaving, their big prospect said, "Just one thing, mates. I’ve got to get authorization from the home office for a deal this big. Today’s Monday. If you don’t get a cable from me by Friday, the deal’s final."

For the next four days, Stein and Weiss paced miserably back and forth, sweating blood and wincing every time they heard footsteps outside their door. On Friday the hours crept by, but by four o’clock they figured they were home free—until there was a loud knock on the door. "Western Union!" a voice called out. As Stein collapsed, white-faced, behind his desk, Weiss dashed to the door. A minute later, he rushed back into the office waving a telegram.

 

"Great news, Stein," he cried jubilantly, "great news!

 

　

Your mother’s dead!

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

My wife never lies about her age.

She tells everyone she’s as old as I am.

Then she lies about my age.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

How many Harvard grads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one. He grabs the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him

 

 

The other day I saw two dogs walk over to a parking meter.

One of them says to the other, "How do you like that?

Pay toilets!"

 

 

I got my grandmother a Seeing Eye dog, but he’s a little sadistic. He does impressions of cars screeching to a halt.

 

 

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?

Someone who lies awake all night wondering if there really is a Dog.

 

 

What did one ocean shark say to the other?

"Oh, no—not airplane food again.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

The newlyweds stopped at a farmhouse and asked if they could rent a room for the night.

By noon the next day they were still not up and about, so the farmer yelled up that it was last call for breakfast.

"Don’t worry about us," called the groom, "we’re living on the fruits of love."

"Okay," screamed the farmer, "but quit throwing the damned skins out the window—

 

 

they’re choking the ducks."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

This guy called up his lawyer to tell him he was suing for divorce, and the lawyer inquired as to his grounds for the suit.

"Can you believe my wife says I’m a lousy lover?" sputtered the husband. "That’s why you’re suing?" asked the lawyer.

"Of course not. I’m suing because she knows the difference."

 

 

A young blonde lady is in the hospital for an operation.

She says, "Doc, how long after my operation will I have to wait until I can have sex again?"

He says, "You know, Miss  you’re the first patient who ever asked me that before a tonsillectomy."

　

You go to the ballet and you see girls dancing on their tiptoes.

Why don’t they just get taller girls?

 

Q.  Why did the little refrigerator salute the big refrigerator?

A.  Because he was from a private company and the big one was from General Electric