Sorry 'billd766,  I forgot to post these earlier while, whatever the subject was fresh in your.......

 

 

PS;  you must stop encouraging me, I'll just get worse.

 

An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a  gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown Malbay, in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses. One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, and she was willing to pay up to 10,000 pounds. Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.  they talked much about the  Rightness and Wrongness of it.  It was hard to make the decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition. In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay. "I'll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes." T'is why we love the Irish.

3 girls, Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. They rediscover each other via Facebook and arrange

to meet for lunch      Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.    Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.  Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares  the wine.     Jan explains that  after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter.  Timothy is a partner in one of Sydney's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on The North Shore and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Bali.     Sue relates that  she graduated from Monash University, studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial  investment banker in Melbourne. They live in the Toorak area and have a second home in Italy.     Mary explains that  after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Mark. They run a  tropical bird park in Kakadu national park and grow  their own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis.     Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Target they live in a small apartment and have a camper trailer parked on the front drive.     Sue, chastened and  encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old people's  home. They live in Hoppers Crossing and take camping holidays on the Murray.     Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth". The boy decides to go home and try it out.

He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says,

 

 

 

 

"Then come give your FATHER a big hug."

 

Three Insurance salesmen were having drinks and boasting about each companies' service.

The first one said, "When one of our insured died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife and mailed a check on Wednesday evening."

The second one said, "When one of our insured died without warning on Monday, we learned of it in 2 hours and were able to hand-deliver a check the same evening."

The last salesman said, "That's nothing. Our office is on the 20th floor, in the Sears Tower. One of our insured, who was washing a window on the 85th floor, slipped and fell.

 

We handed him his check as he passed our floor."

　

 

"Does anyone in this room need to be dismissed from jury duty?" a judge, asked a roomful of prospective jurors.

Two responded

 

A nervous young man stood up. "I’d like to be dismissed," he said.

"And why is that?"

"My wife is about to conceive."

Slightly taken aback, the Judge responded, "I believe, sir, you mean ‘deliver.’ But either way, I agree. You shouldn’t be here."

 

He as followed by a woman who asked to get off jury duty, insisting that side effects from her medication could interfere with her ability to concentrate.

"What are you taking?" the judge asked her.

"A fertility drug," she answered. "I’m trying to get pregnant."

"And what are the side effects?"

 

 

 

"It gives me a terrible headache," she said.

A man is like a shoelace.

He has to go through many holes before he ties the knot.

2 minutes ago, laislica said:

A man is like a shoelace.

He has to go through many holes before he ties the knot.

And then it all unravels before he gets tied up in knots again by the lawyers who keep stringing them along!

What runs about all day and lies down at night with its tongue hanging out?

A training shoe.

 

We're so poor that Mom and Dad can't afford to buy me shoes.

I have to polish my feet and lace my toes together.