Worst Joke Ever

[scottiejohn]

 

A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband’s 60th birthday.

During the party , a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife said, "We’ve been so poor all these years, and I’ve never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF!

She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband’s turn.

He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I’d like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy waved her wand and POOF!

 

He was suddenly 90 years old!

 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A father passing by his teenage daughter’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy . Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the

pillow.

It was addressed "Dad".

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

"Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you, but I’m leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I’ve been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you’ll like him too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it’s not only the passion Dad, I’m pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together. Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway , 42 isn’t so old these days is it? ), and has no money , really these things shouldn’t stand in the way of our relationship, don’t you agree? Randy has a great DVD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It’s true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he’ll be faithful to me in his own way . He wants to have many more children with me and that’s now one of my dreams too. Randy taught me that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone and he’ll be growing it for us and we’ll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren. Your loving daughter, Rosie."

At the bottom of the page were the letters " PTO".

Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at the neighbours house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that’s in my desk centre drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home. I love you!

Your loving daughter,

Rosie.

[scottiejohn]

 

He's not called "Justin" for nothing!

[laislica]

[fasteddie]

https://www.facebook.com/fanstuga/videos/1321446784587251/

 

[fasteddie]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

Q: How can you tell which is the head nurse?

A: She's the one with the dirty knees.

　

If it weren't for nipples, boobs would be pointless.

　

I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra. It was a booby trap.

　

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a condom?

A: Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!

　

Q: What do computer literate cheerleaders eat to increase their breast size?

A: Silicone chips.

　

Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?

A: It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.

　

Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?

A: Nothing. They've never met.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square , Rome .

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father".

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him "Your Grace"."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says "Your Eminence"."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly , "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him "Your Holiness"."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well...?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, Slim, Tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say ,

 

"My God!"

 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:

"Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to "love, honor and obey" and "be faithful to her forever," I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed:

"I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

 

[scottiejohn]

[chickenslegs]

• 5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.
• Two blondes fall down a well. One says to the other one, “Isn’t it dark down here?” She replies, “I don’t know. I can’t see.”
• English is weird. – It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
• I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. 
• What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he’s hooked up to? – The computer runs.
• Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. – I gave him a glass of water.

Edited October 7, 2017 by chickenslegs

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

The Penis Study:

 

The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's Penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

 

After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

 

The Irish, unsatisfied with those findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks, at a cost of around $75.46, and many pints of Guinness, they concluded that reason a man's Penis was larger than the shaft was;

 

 

 

to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the face.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?

A: Because (on the rare occasion they do think!) they believe red means stop.

　

Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?

A: Because everybody gets a turn.

　

Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant?

A: Her feet!

　

Q. Why did the woman want a divorce on the grounds of religious differences?

A: He thought he was God and she didn't!

　

Q: Why is marriage is a three ring circus>

A: An engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffer-ring!　

　

Wife: Honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear!'

Husband: Kitchen, living room, laundry, dining room......'

'

Husband: "Hey babe, you smell that great aroma?"

Wife: "No."

Husband: "Me neither, start cooking."

　

First Husband: "My wife's an angel!"

Second Husband: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

　

I was going to write a joke about alcoholic midgets but I don't want to lower the bar.

　

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, ?For you, no charge!?

　

Q: What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini?

A: "Olive or twist?"

Edited October 8, 2017 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

A Newfie went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like Newfies.

The game warden ordered the Newfie to show his hunting license, and the Newfie pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its ass, and said, "This duck ain’t from Ontario. This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec huntin’ license, boy?"

The Newfie reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its ass, and said, "This ain’t no Quebec duck. This duck’s from Manitoba . You got a Manitoba license?"

The Newfie reached into wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its ass, and said, "This ain’t no Manitoba duck. This here duck’s from Nova Scotia . You got a Nova Scotia huntin’ license?"

Again the Newfie reached into his wallet and brought out a Nova Scotia hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Newfie, "Just where the hell are you from?"

The Newfie turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said,

 

 

 

"You tell me, you’re the expert."

[scottiejohn]

[Ron19]

A rather ‘frustrated’ woman went to the supermarket to try to take her mind off her overly erotic thoughts.                

As she moved through the aisles she saw bananas and apples and so many things that made her recall rather than forget her erotic mood.                

She ended up buying far more than she needed.                 

When she arrived at the checkout there was a young man packing bags. 

As he packed her bags his muscles gleamed under the fluorescent lights and she could make out the contours of his fit body under his tight T-shirt and trousers.                 

She could hardly control herself.

After she paid she asked the young man if he could help her to her car with her many heavy bags of groceries.

The young man willingly obliged.

As they walked through the car park the lady finally lost control. 

She placed her hand on the young man’s bum and said “I have an itchy pussy”.

To which the young man replied “You’ll have to show me where it is ’cause all these Japanese cars look the same to me”.

[Ron19]

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life an old

Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin. In one of the stores, he

picks up a mirror and looks into it.

 

Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image staring

back at him.'How 'bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of my Fadder.'

 

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go there and look at it.

 

His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed. So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's running around with.'

[Ron19]

NORTH KOREA TO SEND MAN TO THE SUN BY 2028!

Kim Jong-un announced that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!

Reporter - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on it?" 

There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react. 

Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered, "We will land at night". 

The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause !

Donald Trump heard what Kim had said and sneered - 
"What an idiot. There is no sun at night time!" 

And his people responded with thunderous applause!

[Ron19]

Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.
They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.
The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off however, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn't possibly handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

Q: What's the difference between you and eggs?

A: Eggs get laid and you don't

　

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

　

Q: What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control?

A: A trip without the kids!

　

Q: What do you call an IT teacher who send sexually explicit material to his students?

A: a PDFile

　

Q: What do you call lesbian twins?

A: Lick-a-likes.

　

Q: What do you call a Chinese midget?

A: Tai Nee

　

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

A: Ask your mother!

　

Q: What is the definition of Confidence?

A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next Baby... !"

　

Q: What do you call a Chinese rapist?

A: Rai Ping Yu

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A Shot of Whiskey

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey then looks into his pocket.

He does this over and over again.

Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a shot of whiskey and afterwards look into his pocket.

The man responded,

 

"I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then I'll go home."

 

Edited October 9, 2017 by scottiejohn
system is double posting!