Worst Joke Ever

[riceyummm]

Edited February 24, 2018 by riceyummm

[riceyummm]

This image thing is acting up again.

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[hashmodha]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St. Peter at the pearly gates.
St. Peter says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want".
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and POOF she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and POOF she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini".
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
He reads the paper and starts laughing. "No Sister, he laughs, this says 'Sahara Pipeline, laid by 500 men in 7 days'!"

That's funny....mouse and elephant.....best of mates....the mouse feeling randy as it hadn't had any for a while....so over to mate Ele.......Eleeee.....I haven't had any for a long time......can I jump on you?..... Elephant looks with surprise.....pulling leaves and eating....a while later.....feeling sorry for the mouse... ..said.....awlright.....hop on then.....mouse.....overjoyed....going for it.......Eleee......wondering when it's going to finish bumps into a tree....a little injured......oh oh oh oh.!,..........the mouse says....."suffer baby suffer".....

Please excuse spelling mistakes/Grammar/Misunderstanding!

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

I am not saying she is stupid but she;

 

Stared at an orange juice container for 2 hours because it said concentrate

 

Returned a doughnut cause it had a hole in it.

 

Put a peephole in a glass door

 

Bought curtains for her computer just because it had Windows

 

Asked if her drug test was multiple choice.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A Jewish guy moves his elderly father to the Jewish nursing home. A week after he's admitted, his son comes back to visit. "So, Dad, how do you like it here?" "I hate it! I want to leave!" was Dad's response. "But Dad, this is where you always wanted to spend your golden years. The synagogue is right next door. There's a lake view and everything. What's not to like?" "This place is filled with a bunch of miserable old Jews. They're always pissing and moaning about everything. It's just depressing. I want to leave!" "But Dad," contests his son, "Where do you want to go?" "There's an Irish nursing home down the street. I want to go there."

"C'mon Dad! An Irish nursing home? Really? Why would you want to go there?" "Because I can hear them laughing all the time. It sounds like they're always having fun. Please take me there!" They gather all of his belongings, discharge out of the Jewish nursing home and he admits him into the Irish nursing home.

The son returns the following weekend to visit, thinking he would just be bringing him back to Jewish nursing home.

"So Dad, how do you like it here?" "I love it here! This place is great!" was Dads surprising response. "What? Really? What's so great about this place?" Dad's face lights up as he begins to explain. "The Irish are always in a good mood and they joke around all the time. It's just fun! They even have nicknames for each other." "Nicknames? Like what?" inquires his son. Dad continues excitedly, "Do you see that bald guy? They call him Curly. He doesn't have a stitch of hair on his head." "That's pretty funny Dad, what else?" "See that guy in the wheelchair? They call him Speedy. Speedy Gonzales! He doesn't even have legs." "That great Dad," the son says sarcastically. "How about you? Do you have a nickname yet?" "Yeah, as a matter of fact I do." "Really? You've only been here a week. What's your nickname?" "Well, you know that I haven't had sex in twenty years since your mom died?

They call me 'The F*ckin' Jew!"

[scottiejohn]

Quote

 

[scottiejohn]

A young Indian student Haji has been in the United States on a student visa for months. He becomes very ill. He goes to US doctor after US doctor trying to cure his illness but they just cannot find what his problem is.

Finally he finds an Indian doctor that said he can help. "Take this bucket into the next room and take a dump in it. Then p*ss in it. Shake it around, stick your head in there and take a few deep whiffs."

Haji comes out of the other room afterwards and tells the doctor that he feels much better now.

 

The doctor says,

"Yeah, you were just homesick."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Edited February 24, 2018 by scottiejohn

[Ron19]

An Engineer dies and goes to Hell.

 

Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

 

One day God calls and asks Satan,

 

"So, how are things going down there?”

 

Satan says, why, things are going great. We've now got air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this Engineer is going to come up with next.”

 

God is horrified. "What?  You've got an Engineer?  That's clearly a mistake – he should never have gone down there!    You know all Engineers go to Heaven.  Send him up here immediately!

 

"Satan says, "No way,  I really like having an Engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him.”

 

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue you.”

 

"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a Lawyer?"

[laislica]

Duck walks into a bar...

"Got any bread?"
"No"
"Got any bread?"
"No"
"Got any bread?"
"No...and if you ask me again I'll nail your beak to the bar"
"Got any nails?"
"No"
"Got any bread?"

[riceyummm]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

If you are easily offended

DO NOT READ

 

An old Jewish man tells his Rabbi that he had won three million dollars in the lottery.

The Rabbi shouts, "That's wonderful! What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Well, I'm old. I'm going to give one million to my kids so their families can pay their bills".

"I'll give another million to charity, and the last million I'm giving to the church." "Fantastic!" yells the Rabbi.

The guy continues, "On one condition. You have to erect a life sized statue of Hitler out front."

"What?

A statue of Hitler in front of a synagogue?

Why?" asked the Rabbi.

 

 

"Because he's the one that got my winning numbers tattooed on my arm."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

Two Italians were riding the bus and the little old lady behind them got disgusted with their filthy mouths.

"Giuseppe, just follow along," Vito said.

"Emma come first. Then I come.

Thena there are two asses, thena I come again.

Thena two more asses thena I come again.

Then you takea you two pees, thena I get to come last. Okay?"

The lady has had enough.

"You foreigners ought to mind your language in public places! You should be ashamed of yourselves!"

"But a da lady," Vito explains.

 

"I was just teaching my friend how to spella da Mississippi."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

An Irishman, an Italian and a Mexican all work as iron workers on top of a tall skyscraper. They eat lunch together every day.

One day the Irishman opens his lunch box and yells, "Corned beef again? If I have to eat this shit one more day I'm gonna kill myself!"

The Italian opens his lunch box. "Spaghetti again? One more day of this and it's good night for Tony!"

The Mexican open his lunch and yells, "Tamales again? I'm sick of this ca-ca! One more day of this and I'm going to kill myself too!"

The next day the Irishman opens his lunch box. "God damn that woman! I hate boiled meat!" He jumps to his death.

The Italian opens his and starts cursing at his spaghetti. He too jumps to his death.

The Mexican opens his and finds more tamales. "Chinga!" He jumps.

 

At the joint funerals all the widows were huddled together crying.

The Irish wife shouts to the heavens, "If I had only listened to his complaints he'd still be with us!"

The Italian wife says, "Why didn't I listen? I could have made him a sandwich!"

The Mexican's wife yells, "Don't look at me. I had nothing to do with his death."

 

"He always bought the ingredients and made and packed his own lunch - the f*****g cheapskate!"

[scottiejohn]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[owl sees all]

Can't get this Listerine stuff anywhere around here.

 

B-in-L hard at it.

 

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[laislica]

Scene: The end of the Second World War.

A Washington Post reporter was interviewing Japanese prisoners in a camp on the mainland.

Reporter to the prisoner: What did you do in the war?

Prisoner: I’m Chinese. I flew aircraft.

Reporter: Oh, and what’s your name?

Prisoner: Chow Mein, I was a Kamikaze pilot.

Reporter: That’s strange, I thought Kamikaze pilots crashed their planes and were killed?

 

Prisoner: No—not me, I was Chicken Chow Mein.